i want to work out to be in shape again, because I love feeling strong and i love feeling like i can physically keep up with demanding climates and environments.
that being said….my body image is awful. and it’s always god awful around the holidays, but it’s even worse now. it makes me want to rip all the mirrors off the walls and break them and scream myself hoarse at the pieces. being a little fat kid was such a cruel experience. you are taught to hate yourself violently before you are taught anything else.
Por mais que a letra da música falasse de uma partida mais definitiva como a morte, Kou sentia que aquela frase específica se encaixava perfeitamente com a sua situação naquele instante. Era o fim.
Não que não soubesse daquilo. Não que já não estivesse esperando. Não que já não houvesse acontecido meses atrás. Não que já não estivesse acostumado com a ideia. Não era como se ainda restasse sentimento. Se tivesse que ser honesto, sequer tinha o direito de sentir alguma coisa com aquela confissão. Mas ali estava ele, e sentia. Sentia muito, mais do que queria assumir.
Talvez fosse a mágoa por como as coisas haviam terminado. Talvez fosse o ciúme corroendo sua lógica, porque não havia nenhuma em como estava agindo naquele momento. Talvez ele apenas tivesse se enganado e na verdade ainda sentia algo. Talvez fosse apenas o seu ego ferido. Qualquer que fosse a opção verdadeira, a única coisa que Kou tinha certeza era que nada daquilo lhe agradava. Pela primeira vez em muito tempo desejou para de sentir por completo.
A música havia mudado em seus fones de ouvido, mas ainda continuava alta, ensurdecedora. O japonês tentava bloquear os próprios pensamentos assim, mas não estava tendo muito sucesso. Talvez porque se tratasse de uma das bandas favoritas da garota.
Kou tinha a leve impressão de que era masoquista.
Fosse como fosse, só queria arrancar tudo aquilo de si. Fosse com as próprias mãos, ou gritando, ou à força, só queria que aquilo parasse, toda aquela confusão, toda aquela mistura de sentimentos. Estava sendo fraco, e havia jurado para si mesmo que nunca mais deixaria aquilo acontecer. Ia ser forte e seguir em frente, era aquilo que devia fazer e continuar fazendo, pelo seu próprio bem e pelo bem de todos ao seu redor.
Mas talvez… Só talvez, por uma noite, pudesse se permitir sentir aquilo. Talvez fosse melhor do que simplesmente guardar tudo. Ele era humano, afinal de contas, não um super-herói. Ninguém ia saber. Por isso encolheu as pernas, abraçou-as e escondeu o rosto no próprio abraço, suspirando. Não ia chegar ao ponto de deixar que lágrimas caíssem, até porque não havia motivo para elas. Mas ali, quieto, se permitiu sentir sua própria confusão, seu monte de dúvidas.
Tudo era muito “talvez”.
Só havia uma coisa certa: dessa vez era mesmo o fim.
It’s been 111 days we aren’t together anymore. And it still hurts the same. It’s weird because the whole day and night I only think about how you are no longer with me but then it hits me hard that you’re not with me and it hurts all the same all over again.
Be still my child.
Be so still that the essence of wander can never catch you
You my child
You …..you must be still.
You must lay your heart to rest for it is mistaking its beating for aching.
At once be still.
So still the movement in your eyes will not even flutter yet your mind will make sound.
Be at peace with your soul.
Letting all oneness drift to the heavens Make peace and laughter overtake you
All I wanted in a partner was someone to be honest, loyal, and be able to stay with me through thick and thin. I didn't need perfect, just someone to understand when there were problem bigger than me. I assumed that the person I thought I knew met these qualifications, and added more. I had for the longest time never got an "I love you" or an acknowledgement of how much I meant to them, and every day I got that.
And in the end, this person realized that they never did love me and cheated. And now I just have to move my stuff, my heart and my life out again after feeling that finally I felt like things were beginning to fall back into place.
leaving, finally
I think after all the suffering, tears, and heartbreak I’m finally ready to move on from my ex. I realize now that the relationship was too hard (long distance..) and that there must be someone better for me out there but…I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop wondering what he’s up to or if he misses me. I know the first step is to get rid of everything that reminds me of him but that doesn’t help. I keep thinking of him and missing our relationship when it was good and wishing that it would go back to that. Is there some sort of magical break up remedy? I really hope the only answer to this isn’t “time.”
By the way I really appreciate what you guys do for all of these people who are in need for someone to help soothe their soul. I wish one day I can do what you guys do <3
aw thanks friend c: you're seriously really kind, your words really do mean a lot to us <3
moving on from someone isn't easy, especially when they played a pretty big part in your life. taking every thing away that reminds you of them can help, keep yourself busy and distracted and make an effort to meet new people! put yourself first and do things that you wanna do - paint your nails if you like and go shopping when there's sales and watch your favourite movies and go roller blading and eat out at your favourite restaurant, whatever makes you happy :*
make a happy/positive/empowering playlist and spend that extra few minutes in the shower, it's the lil things that really make a difference (: spend lots of time with people who make you laugh too, laughter is a secret to moving one because it shows you that you can have a good time even without this person in your life. ultimately time and closure help the most, but you can help yourself too by trying out some of aforementioned tips to let go (: all the best <3
