26 Days Before Christmas
It wasn’t a good day for me. I was out of my mood and I felt like we aren’t okay at all. I tried to avoid making conversation with him and I didn’t even talk to him at all. I never looked at him and stopped myself from having conversation with him.
I woke up early as I am having hard time to sleep. I kept on waking up cause my tummy is really upsrt after I had a coffee from Starbucks. I stared at him and he is really sleeping very well. Like he is okay not sleeping next to me and ignored my messages at all. I fell asleep around 2am again and I wish I stayed up all night and just went out to let go of him. I cried the entire night again and questioning my worth and myself again.
I don’t want to cry but I did. My heart felt too emotional and I can’t help myself to cry all the time. I was trying my best to hold up my tears but it keeps on falling each time.
I woke up around 8am as my tummy hurts again and he acted shock again when he saw me and I just ignoree him. After I use the bathroom, I went back to our room and player music there alone. He went upstairs to get the clothes I prepared for him. He didn’t even said thank you for preparing it for him. He packed up his things and he didn’t even asked me even a single things this morning. So, I kept my mood and not talk to him. After he used the room I went up to get my wallet and buy breakfast. He didn’t even asked me to get breakfast or talk to me at all. We all had short talks and it made me feel awkward at all. I played few songs while he was fixing himself in our room and I played a song and he kept on singing it.
I handed him the tuyo that I will give to my friend and he took my paperbag and left our house. I started to fell sad and I feel like he is fine without me and hr can survive without my existence. He will be happy, well and free. He made me feel that I am less important to him. I never seen him an effort even asked me if I am hungry or not.
I knew it but I still have some hopes that at some point I can still have a place in his heart. I never felt enough and important to him. I didn’t see any care from him.
After he left, I fixed the house, prepared my stuff and I left my Christmas gift for him. It was a necklace with Butter’s face and his name. I wrote short letters and I think it will make him think.
It was really a sad day for me. I went to Dade’s house and we had some short talks. He gave me a gift from Miniso at door mat with Panpan’s face. It was so cuuuutecand appreciate it a lot. I used not to get gifts but when someone is sending me one, I never felt more greatful. Even the smallest thing.
He sent me their photos around lunch time but I tried not to comment in to it anymore. I know that he felt it. He never talked to me after that. And it’s okay. I don’t want him to be bother cause I know he is not and I feel like it’s better for me to do this way.
I arrived home afteenoon already and fell asleep. I didn’t do much afterwards and I only ate dinner and took some photos of my necklace as I forgot to get a cake for Butter.
Good night.
Love always,
Iyaaan