#hellsite detective

[hellsite-detective]

this is Hellsite Detective, P.P.I. announcin’ that TUMBLR LIVE IS GONE FROM MY APP YES FINALLY GOOD RIDDANCE YOU FOOL

[heyftinally]

To show my thanks to @hellsite-detective for the IMMENSE help in finding an old friend here on tumblr, I drew a bit of a personification (while still maintaining the signature mystery, of course).

Thank you again for all of your help, detective. Your skills (and that of your community) are truly amazing!

[enon-ymous]

@hellsite-detective probably nothing what you look like, but sue me lmao

[hellsite-detectives-files]

You thought I was done, didn’t you…

when i went down to the shop, i was lookin’ for a brand new filing cabinet. something that would fit a large amount of files. i’m a busy woman, so obviously i was gonna need something big. i found the perfect one there too. i looked inside every drawer, and it was perfectly empty. i bought it, took it back to the office, and set it up. i checked the drawers once again, still empty.

a few days later, i came back from the office from my holiday break. finally home. i was goin’ to file away my first case when i saw a slip of paper sittin’ at the bottom of the drawer. i picked it up and flipped it over. i stood, in complete horror, and dropped it to the floor. they were back. the Dog Photoer had returned…

no, pal… welcome home to you…

[echoinginthevastscosmos]

Fanart for @hellsite-detective

Thanks for finding the posts that we have lost. We would be lost without you!

[hellsite-detective]

me? i'm just a private eye trying to make a difference here in this hellscape we call a city. folks come into my office, beggin' me to track down some long forgotten shitpost. and it's my job to oblige. my name is Hellsite Detective, Tumblr Private Eye.

you lookin' for a post? whether it's a recent post, or a long forgotten cold case from a decade ago, anything goes in this business. so long as you provide me with a lead to follow, be it a quote from the post, a detailed description, or a screenshot, i'll do what i can to chase leads and track that sucker down.

for any of you saps that can't figure this one out: send in an ask requesting a post to be found, and include a quote, description of the post, or a screenshot, and i'll find it and tag you with the results

disclaimer: i'm only takin' on one case at a time. so you fellas are gonna have to wait your turn.

[hellsite-detective]

hellow. it has been a while hasn’t it? i want to apologize to everyone for not being around that much. i keep wanting to come back, keep wanting to take cases on again, but every time i want to my life somehow gets worse

i haven’t forgotten you all. i think about this service and these cases all the time, and i feel so guilty for not helping yall find the posts you’re looking for. i’ve considered abandoning this blog altogether just to try and hide from the responsibility. it’s all a lot. it’s so much. i’m not gonna abandon it because i wanna have hope ill come back to it someday

i really hope one day i can come back. i hope one day i can do this again. but today isn’t that day and that day doesn’t look at all close by

i am so sorry to everyone. i have let you all down

[hellsite-detective]

the fan spun slowly and lazily above my head. the sound of rain pounding on the window just beyond the blinds, while normally soothing, now only added to the sense of isolation. on my desk, strewn across it and the rest of the room, were cases. unopened, forgotten. a glass of liquor sat half filled on the only clear space on that desk, the rest having gone down my gullet and straight to my head. projects unfinished, my novel barely touched, life preventing me from continuing…

i considered, for a moment, locking the doors of the office for good. shutting it down and leaving this all to the rats. setting fire to the remains and walking off into the fog one last time. but then i thought about the cases. those people who needed my help, lost without their posts. it made me feel wrong for abandoning them in their time of need, like i was no better than the crooks who hid their posts away in the dark recesses of the city.

so the thought of what to do lingered in my mind, what to do, how to move forward. those cases sat on my desk untouched, my coat and hat unworn, and my whiskey cabinet nearly empty. the faces, the names of all those people i helped and all those i had yet to help. the service i provide is a necessary one, fight back against the evil of this city’s algorithm.

then i thought of my schedule crossed my mind. the old schedule of three cases per day was efficient, but unsustainable. but perhaps if i solved one post per day, this would be significantly easier to ensure the schedule can be maintained. a singular burst of motivation on one day per week would cover me indefinitely…

i stood from my desk, grabbed my keys, coat, and hat, and approached the door. was i really about to do this? was i about to make this call and reopen my office and offer my services to the world? my heart pounded as i slid my key into the lock. there was a hell of a lot of work to do, but dammit if it wasn’t worth it. to have purpose again, that’s what really mattered here. i turned the key, opened the door, and stepped outside onto the street.

the rain fell slower now, as if the heavens themselves could feel my spirits lift. the air was cool and brisk. fall was coming on fast. the paperboy came along to drop off the news when i called out to him…

“ay, boy! spread the word!” i said to him. “the Hellsite Detective is back on duty…”