#help its again

[zemnianjoy]

[thatshadowgastwhore]

now's the part of the evening where we ruminate on whether or not the batfam intrigues me because I like the general vibe of the media, OR because of an intense, previously unrealized need in my own life to be specifically chosen and loved by a parental figure, a la Bruce Wayne chosing to take in all of his children. what do we think the odds are, is that why I have an unhealthy obsession with Dick Grayson, folks? do I need to email my therapist again?

[top-cheese]

― "Arrhythmia," Shastra Deo

Hockey Poetry Post 108/?

@girlfriendline you were right. it is both of them.

[whenflowersfade]

So now that it’s slightly less fresh than fifteen minutes, and now that my birthday is mostly over:

My boyfriend broke up with me because I am inattentive and effectively frigid, and that makes us incompatible.

I have made no secret about being asexual, and I’m fairly certain I might also be aromantic. He also still lives with his eventually-ex-wife and his two daughters, and I live with my mother. So when it comes to a “lack of intimacy,” I don’t know what he really expected. We literally had nowhere to go to be alone together, and I have very little interest in sexual activities.

I also have ADHD, depression, and borderline personality disorder, so I already have trouble maintaining relationships, especially ones where I don’t see someone every day. In addition, I tend to describe myself as being like a cat: affection when I ask for it, and easily smothered.

I spent a lot of the last 24 hours fighting with my depression and BPD, both of which were insisting that not only am I a bad roommate and a bad friend, but now I’m a bad girlfriend, and I’m just better off alone. That he came to his senses and got out and it’s better this way, and it’s good that I’m used to being alone, it’s what I’m good at, and all of this is my fault anyways.

I also jumped very quickly to the point of “maybe I’m just not going to eat today, there’s not much point.” So that’s a thing.

[rhythmreborn]

help i love carlos and tk

[fuck-off-im-ace]

I made new memes, enjoy

[whenflowersfade]

Help, it’s again.

I think I’m having a bad night. All I can think about is that I’m not important, that I don’t matter, that I’m no one and nothing. I kind of don’t even feel like a person right now, I’m just a person-shaped thing. I honestly don’t even know why I’m posting this, I know I shouldn’t be bothering anyone with it, but at the same time I kind of want someone to know. Anyone.

[dailyrandomwriter]

Day 186

Despite the fact that I’m calm, and chilling there is an inner part of me that is raging like a five year old throwing a temper tantrum. 

Which is a pretty good way to describe my situation.

So, I had been, for a while, carefully watching myself. It’s something I’ve had to do because I don’t often get fevers and I have a stupid high pain tolerance. Or maybe, it’s less of a stupid high pain tolerance and more of a stupid high tolerance for putting up with my body’s bullshit.

It’s an aspect you don’t think about when it comes to pain from a chronic condition. And it’s that, you may not always have pain like others with chronic pain, but you will have days where you’ll be uncomfortable. It’s not fully painful, it’s not like a stabbing pain in your spine or in your head, but it’s a discomfort that may make it hard to stand for long periods of time, or you might not have the full range of motion you’d normally have. And because it’s the kind of pain where you don’t necessarily need pain medication to deal with it, it’s not worth trying to stop. More often than not the treatment is too invasive with no guarantee of success. So it’s not worth doing, and you might as well just bear it. 

But the problem with that is, if you get sick with something that causes pain, it doesn’t cause immediate out of the ordinary pain, you may just ignore it. And the human body is weirdly adaptable, I’ve mentioned this in the past. So if the pain doesn’t increase by a huge amount over a series of days or weeks, but slowly and gradually some of us can ignore it. Not realizing it’s a problem until you take stock and realize you’re not quite as mobile as before, and there is an issue.

Anyhow… There is a non-zero chance I’m probably sick again, which means heavy medication and very fucked up sleeping schedules. So that’s fun…

I’ll try not to write drabbles about how miserable I am if I do end up on meds again.