“ um … ” taeseon doesn’t bother to stand as chulsoo walks up the path toward him. despite the cold rain, he’s been sitting outside chulsoo’s house for at least two hours, waiting for him to come home from work so they could talk. despite the way taeseon shivers under the cold weight of his soaked clothes, two hours in the rain feels like nothing compared to the last month of not speaking to each other. “ it- it doesn’t matter. can i um- can i come inside? i think we need to talk . ”
@hiccoras // cont.
he’s like a tiny, soaked kitten on his doorstep, so of course how is chulsoo going to turn him away? the fact that THE PAST MONTH has been hell for him doesn’t make this situation any easier as well. ❛ come inside, ba-----taeseon, ❜ he mutters, opening the door quickly and pulling taeseon inside. ❛ you must be freezing. ❜
it’s harder than he thought it would be . how do movies and tv shows manage to make this look so easy , like the words are able to just flow from the pen , and yet here dongsub sits , a second away from banging his head against the table as words refuse to form in his mind . ‘ just start again , ’ is whispered into the air of his empty room , belongings already packed away into his suitcase , door locked . HE LEARNT FROM THE LAST TIME , ‘ this is your only chance to do this .. just start at the beginning ...
DEAR ...
HAZEL . i’m sorry for everything i’ve done that has ever caused you to feel hurt or upset . you have every right to hate me and i bear no ill will towards you because of it , in fact i’ve started to understand where you have been coming from . my interactions with blair have never been with malicious intent nor with intention to manipulate him , i never asked him to concern himself so heavily with my problems , in fact more often than not i would beg him not to get involved , but i understand where your concern for him comes from , and i’m glad you voiced it , it’s helped me to reflect on what kind of person i truly am , and as much as the truth hurts , i’m glad someone was honest enough to let me hear it . blair is very , very lucky to have you , i know you can take care of him well and that you also take care of yourself . i wish you nothing but the best and i hope you continue to enjoy your political science degree !! (( that is your major , right ?? blair mentioned it once , i hope i got it right .. ))
GRAYSON . i’m sorry i didn’t tell you about this , but i didn’t tell anyone until now , now that i’m far enough away that no one can catch me and talk me out of it like the last time . this is just something i need to do , and i’m so sorry i’m leaving you alone . all i can do is beg for your forgiveness , though i know i don’t deserve it . i can’t imagine my life without you , you have been there with me through everything and i’m so , so sorry that i’m doing this to you . i’m sorry i’m not a better friend like you deserve and i hope you find someone who isn’t so conceited and evil . you deserve everything and more and i wish you and jonah nothing but the best . tell him that i’m sorry too . hey , do you remember that time we ditched that party and took the bus to the beach instead ?? it was so late but it was just us and we watched the stars and i don’t know any constellations so we just made them all up . that was fun . haha , i’m sorry if the writing is smudged , i just started crying . i miss you so much already , and acting like nothing’s wrong and like i’m not going to just leave some day soon has been hard , but i know it’s for the best . maybe we can go to the beach again someday ... i’d like to do that , if you’ll ever want to see me again .
BLAIR . it’s you that i should apologise the most to . haha , if i was brave enough to do this all in person i’d say it on my knees , begging , even though you always told me never to say sorry to you , it’s all i can even think to say . i don’t deserve your forgiveness , especially not now , i’ve been so horrible to you that thinking about it makes me feel sick . you didn’t do anything wrong , and i know that now . i’m sorry , i’m so sorry that i even thought you would tell seongwook about me . i was so upset and embarrassed and it’s not an excuse , i know that , and i know you deserve so , so much better than me as a friend and that everyone is right : i’m a bad person for you . i’m toxic and manipulative and it took time for me to realise that what everyone was saying was true . but i hope you understand that i never , ever , looked at you as someone that i had the intention of hurting , of making you feel like you had to deal with any of my problems for me , i just thought i was ranting to a friend , but i understand that may not have been the case and that everyone was right , maybe i was unintentionally manipulating you and i’m so sorry . i don’t deserve your forgiveness , i know i don’t , so please don’t forgive me . please just live your life as though we never met . i hope you find happiness , blair , it’s all i could ever want for you , and hazel seems to make you happy - i hope you hold onto them , they care about you a lot .
DAEHWI . i’m sorry that i’m so selfish . i never deserved your patience , your care , any of it , and you gave it to me anyway . you’ve done so much for me and i don’t know how i can ever pay you back for it . the night we met ... do you remember it ?? i do , hahaha . i was so drunk and scared , i’d never been to a party before , i thought maybe it could have been a chance to reinvent myself . to stop being the dongsub that was afraid of his own shadow and was always looking over his shoulder for people who would judge me or think that i was wrong in my existence . that didn’t happen , as you’re definitely aware , but it’s what i wanted . and you came and spoke to me and you were so nice , i know that’s a terrible word to describe it but y’know , no one had ever spoken to me the way you did . and i know you were just flirting , and i didn’t know why you picked me (( i still don’t , but i’m glad you did )) maybe it was fate because i fell completely head over heels for you from the first sentence . you wouldn’t believe that from how i acted , maybe you still don’t , but it’s the truth . i was just scared .. terrified , really , i was always told that liking other boys was disgusting and wrong and that i should be ashamed , and i was , and i guess i still am , that’s really what’s brought us here isn’t it ?? i’m not embarrassed by you , i promise , i’m embarrassed by myself . and you keep telling me not to be , and i know that’s what you’re thinking reading this , if you’re reading this , but i can’t help it . being ... gay it’s ... i don’t know why i think it’s okay for everyone but me . but i can’t get it out of my head that it’s wrong for me to even look at you sometimes , it feels like i’m disgusting . like you think i’m disgusting or like some predator or something and i can’t handle it sometimes . and now everyone knows , and now every time someone looks at me they’re going to think i’m evil , some kind of wicked pervert or something . and i can’t handle that , and i’m so sorry . it’s getting late while i’m writing this ... and i’m crying haha , can you tell ?? you said my handwriting gets more neat when i’m upset because i’m trying to switch my attention to focus on something else instead of what’s bothering me .. you’re always so observant , maybe that means you saw this coming . or maybe not . you know , i almost ditched my plans to leave that night we danced in my kitchen , you made it feel like we were the only people alive , like no one could touch me or think bad things about me because it was just me and you and we were in love . i’m still in love with you . that felt really nice to write down . i’m saying it out loud now and it feels even better . i’m in love with you , kang daehwi . only you . and i think you’re it for me . but i want you to be happy too , so i have to let you go , don’t i ?? you deserve someone who’s not selfish , who’s not a ... a whore . who can be better for you than i ever will be because let’s face it , i’m a mess . i know you probably think i’m being over dramatic but i really need to do this . i need to get away from everything and everyone . everything around me feels like it’s shattering and i don’t feel like i’m even in my own body anymore . it feels like no matter who i turn to i’m going to hurt them and i can’t do that anymore , it’s not fair on anyone . but i want you to know that i love you . i know it’s not ... it’s embarrassing that i was rarely brave enough to ever say it to your face , but it’s all that consumed my thoughts when i ever saw you . i love you , daehwi . i love you . i love you . i love you .
WOOJIN . i’m writing this while you’re asleep in bed and i’m sitting on the sofa . i hope you can’t hear me crying , you’d always wake up and be there before i ever noticed if you heard me so much as sniffle . i miss you being with me already . i had to write this one last because i know if i wrote it sooner and still had to face you , i would have stayed . but i need to go . i know you’re going to hate me for this and i deserve it , i know that too . you’re going to think i’m a coward for running away and you’re going to be mad at yourself because i didn’t tell you what was bothering me . see ?? i know you as well as you know me . so that’s why i wanna tell you to not be angry at yourself , to be angry at me if you want to be upset with anyone , i’m the one that’s eighteen and can’t deal with my problems . i can’t tell you where i’m going because you’ll come and look for me but it’s somewhere safe , i promise . it’s somewhere that wooseok isn’t going to look for me and it’s only temporary before i can find somewhere to stay on my own . maybe once i have my own place i can tell you where i am , i’m sorry i can’t tell you now , but i don’t want to be looked for because i don’t want to be found . it’s ... the only thing i had any control over in my life has been stolen away from me , it’s gone and i just need ... i need to feel like i have a hold over something , anything . i love you , woojin . i hope one day you can forgive me . i’m sorry i’m such a terrible brother .
❛ you... y-you’re NEVER around anymore! a-and we never hang out anymore, b-but everyone else gets to go on.. on dates all the time. why can’t we? ❜ grayson cries. he feels his cheeks heating up already, eyes wet as he tries hard to glare at jonah, but he probably just looks like he’s about to cry instead. ❛ do you... do you even c-care about us anymore? or did you just... U-USE ME FOR SEX like everyone’s been t-telling me...? ❜
@hiccoras // jonah and grayson break up pt. 1 / 239842
❛ babe... do you wanna WATCH A MOVIE or shit talk? ❜ saint asks, lays down next to october, as if waiting for the other demon to invite himself to lay on top of saint.
