#hidden sadness

[tobleronester]

A little art by me. Nothing really special.

[run-down-verses-version3]

The Illusionary Poetress

When she puts pen to paper

It's not her heart we see

It is an illusion

Of what she wishes it could be

As she takes us on journeys

Through dreams we think our real

Making us believe

All these things we feel

Are her true love and happiness

As we envy a life

She too often thinks of ending

With the sharp edge of a knife

[tv-mia]

[much-youtube-very-addicting]

If one day you wake and I’m gone don’t cry, don’t grieve don’t write paragraphs about how much you loved me because when I was alone in my darkest hours, you weren’t the one that would stay up at night to make sure I was alright, don’t say I was a wonderful girl and wonder how people could be so cruel, because in some ways, you were the reason I might’ve took my own life that night.

[beatingsadness]

My Life Is Not A Game

I think the decade or more of surprising my feelings and compatmentalizing the different area of myself left me playing life as a game that had too many rules, or maybe as if I was an actor in a play written by others.

Society has certainly branded what is “good and bad” or “right or wrong”, and yet I am finding society itself is way off base.

I had so much curiosity and passion when I was young. But I did not allow myself to be free enough to let it all take flight. I got serious. I did what I thought was right. I played my role.

Now I am working on a massive jailbreak in my mind to free myself.

I am going through some big changes and change is difficult. Difficult means scary. Scary for me often means more sadness. But I feel good about what is happening. No more games and no more compatmentalizing as I move forward.

My sadness and the effort to cover up those feelings caused me to forget that my own heart and soul are real. But they are real. And I have to cultivate them to allow them to thrive. If I over them up they will be suffocated.

Drinking was my favorite way paint over the pieces of my life that were not congruent. Now I am running 3-5 miles a day to clear out the clouds. In the end this is a better choice for my physical and mental health. I am an optimist and know that in the long run I can get to a place where things are better, but only if I take the right actions.

Discovering this constant hidden sadness 6 months ago, combined with meeting a friend whose good soul has served as a bright guiding beacon are all just part of my new journey. I have to choose what I want and make it happen. No games, no roles, no undermining my own soul.

Life is hard, but I can’t give up. I have to find solutions and forge my own path to the future. This is not a game so I have to quit trying to play by rules that don’t exist.

If this is a play, I am the writer, not just an actor. Knowing this is the hardest part; I can decide.

Writing this down has been therapeutic, but I still feel very lost and I am still sad. I still want this to be easy. Where is that “easy button” from those office supply commercials?

[lucivonm]

*Smiling in the mirror for no reason* Me: Look, I'm dead....inside

[lucivonm]

Soul:Remember the last time when we were happy? Brain:no ... Soul: me neither.

[lucivonm]

you hate yourself but you smile every day haha