17 Things I Learned from Traveling (unexpectedly) Solo in Southeast Asia
***Please read previous post (novel) for the full story***
3 days into our dream Thailand backpacking trip, my friend / traveling partner discovered that she would have to leave early to tend to urgent family matters. It was devastating news but despite my uncertainty and anxieties, I made the decision to stay behind and travel alone.
Turns out I learned a few things along the way............
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1.) Plans are a joke.
Honestly…..the big plans for sure are but even the small ones as well. We make plans so that we can try to control an experience (not in a bad way): what we want it to look like; what we want it to feel like; control what we want to see and what we want to do etc. and we do it with the best intentions - Lord knows I did - but it’s all an illusion…...because control is an illusion. As seen by most of my trip, plans were made and most of the time those plans fell apart. This was obviously an extreme case of plans falling apart, but the truth is we hardly have any control in this life. Plans certainly help to some degree and at times they are definitely necessary to make, but it seems they are mostly there to make us feel like we have some form of control so we don’t completely lose our shit. Not sure how many times i will need to learn this one (I have a feeling it’s forever) but as of now it continues to be an ongoing lesson in life.
2.) Riding a motorbike in Southeast Asia is also a joke.
And sometimes briefly introduces you to a near death situation that ends with you ass up in a red ant hill. As someone who loses all sense of motor skills and coordination on a regular bike, I obviously should not have been on a motorized one but regardless of that, the driving is insane there and I vote for taking a tuk tuk (taxi).
*peep that Lavender Doterra oil which saved my skin’s life
3.) Alone time can take you to some really serene places of physical and mental peace, but it can also take you to the depths of hell.
The truth is that sometimes sitting on a beach alone for hours brought me more clarity than I have known in awhile…...but sometimes the uncertainty of what I was doing, where I was going or who I would meet pulled me back down into that dark place. There were some unsurprising issues of control and fear of uncertainty that came up but there were some unexpected friends that showed up to the party as well like a deep need for validation. As I have come to realize over the years though is that it’s hardly a dark place within us, it’s just a place that needs more light and understanding shone on it. These things that were bubbling up clearly needed attention and the stage was set for me to give it to them. Which leads me to my next point.
4.) Journaling can save your sanity.
Journaling was a great way for me to keep up with what what was happening physically on my trip but also where i was emotionally. When I was in the throws of anxiety for a couple of days on a somewhat deserted island, journaling was often my only comfort besides a fat order of some pad thai and possibly some mango sticky rice (judge me). I had to practice what i often preach to others, turn inward and see what it was that was causing the severe anxiety.
5.) Drinking out of buckets is an aggressive death threat to your liver.
Vodka + their version of Red Bull (glorified crack) will always end poorly……..or great, depending on the night / person.
6.) Uncertainty can be scary, but also extremely rewarding.
This was a huge theme on the trip: learning to be ok with not knowing what was going to happen next. Once again, a somewhat extreme occasion but at the end of the day “not knowing what is going to happen next” can be applied to almost any situation or moment in life. I think most people certainly acknowledge this fact on an intellectual level but it is a whole different story as to whether or not they actually accept it and embrace it on a soul level and into their everyday lives. It’s something that I struggle with, being able to let go of the illusion that there is any certainty in this life (besides death of course), but being on this trip and being hit over and over again with its almighty presence literally forced me to be ok with it. The alternative was feeling constant anxiety from resisting its presence and I was pretty over having to deal with that.
7.) You have no control over elephants.
You may think you do but lest we forget that they are 5 *ton* intelligent mammals.
8.) Food dishes are not always what they seem
Sometimes you think you are eating chicken and it turns out to be some form of cow intestines. Sometimes it’s best to not ask what your food plate consists of.
9.) Pictures are also not always what they seem
Not a new learning but still always a good one to remember since it seems to be one that we all forget, including myself. When I was on the island of Koh Lanta aka ‘The Gauntlet’ there were countless pictures that I took where I was smiling and looking incredibly blissed out but some percent of those smiles were not genuine. It’s a hard but very real fact and I’m all about giving the facts. Some of those smiles were filled with gratitude for the trip and the beauty of the island….but some of those smiles were filled with fear of the unknown, some loneliness and some anxiety of wondering if I was doing things “right.” Knowing how I really felt in those pics (whether they were posted online or not) was a good reminder that the people, places and smiles in images we see are not always what they seem, especially in social media…..which leads me right to my next point.
10.) Social Media can be a great gift and a terrible curse.
Nowhere near a new learning for me or any of us (unless you live under a rock) but the crux of social media really showed itself on this trip.
The gift: (When I had wifi of course) Posting picture updates of my trip was an amazing way of keeping my family and friends updated on my whereabouts and also sharing my experience with them.
The curse: When Taylor left, there was an obvious physical presence missing but what I did not process until later was the emotional presence and validation that also went missing. Yes, it was a blessing to be on my own and do things how I wanted to do them but I also no longer had someone there to share the experience with and on a more important note, I no longer had someone there to validate my own experience. It’s not something I was conscious of doing in the past, but I’ve come to realize I have often used my shared time with someone else as validation of my own experience. So when Taylor had to go home, some of my social media usage was to fill that void; to try to get external validation of my experience; to try to see if I was doing this whole traveling solo thing “right.” I’m not saying all of the postings fell under that umbrella but I would be lying to myself to say that at least some percentage did. It stemmed from fear and from one of my bizarre branches of internal perfectionism. Once I realized I was doing it, I made sure to only share things when it was coming from a place of wanting to give and not receive. And speaking of perfectionism and right and wrong……
11.) There is no right or wrong way to have an experience.
Everyone’s “Eat Pray Love” story is different (as a sidenote, I did not actually read the book or see the movie but people like to throw the phrase out a lot when they find out someone is traveling alone so I picked it up). I tend to lean towards extremes in my ways of thinking sometimes (a lot) and often see things in black and white; right and wrong; good or bad. I try to land in some neutral gray zone but that’s a serious and ongoing work in progress so sometimes it doesn’t happen. There were many times on this trip where that did not happen and I tried to figure out if I was doing things “correctly” since I had no foundation to work from. I had never gone backpacking in a foreign country by myself and my only base to go off of was other people’s stories and the internet.
When Taylor first left, I went into control mode because I wanted to have the “right” experience and worried about doing things “wrong” in fear of missing out on something. When I experienced not so funny WTF moments - and there were quite a few - I worried that somehow I myself was doing something wrong because it wasn’t turning out to be the picturesque experience that I was expecting. But you know what? It was actually the WTF moments that allowed my grip to loosen on the whole thing; for me to accept that whatever was happening was (mostly) out of my control and that it was all part of my own personal unique Bianca experience. I’d like to think the same rings true for life outside of travel as well. Trust yourself and trust your experiences exactly as they are (funny enough, part of my New Year’s intention).
12.) Night Markets are simply the best.
Best food. Best places to barter (Always a peasant) and best places to see a secret lady boy show.
13.) Don’t compare your trip / experience to anyone else’s
The beauty of backpacking is that you meet so many different, interesting, amazing and sometimes really crazy people……. and with meeting those people, you hear about their trip and you swap stories. It’s something that I grew to love, especially when I had my own crazy experiences to talk about, but in the beginning nothing stressed me out more. I would constantly compare what I had done, seen, felt, eaten etc. with what they had done and I always felt like I wasn’t doing enough. My trip felt like it was lacking which is a ridiculous thought since the fact that I was there alone unexpectedly is a unique story in itself. We all compare in life though. Whether it’s vocal or not, we all do it or have done it before. When I finally understood that there was no right or wrong way to do this trip since at the end of the day it was all just an experience (see #9), I was finally able to stop comparing and just enjoy others’ stories for what they were - which was just their own unique experience.
14.) Monkeys never have your best interests at heart.
Don’t let the cute face and human like features fool you. They are conniving creatures (this fool below is actually drinking my *only* post hangover water).
15.) Companionship is a beautiful thing, but it can also be a crutch
As humans we all (well most of us) need some form of companionship - it’s natural and it’s in our DNA and for the most part, it generally just makes us happy. But our desire for companionship can also sometimes cross the line and weaken our own inner compasses; our self-awareness, self-trust and tools for learning to not only validate but accept our personal experiences (#9). Traveling alone allowed me to see the difference between wanting a companion because I genuinely wanted someone to share the experience with and wanting a companion because I did not trust myself to have my own amazing time by myself. I actually think that’s pretty important in life generally since so many of us use others as a compass for what to do instead of just looking inward and trusting yourself and your own experiences.
16.) Connections can happen in the most random and unexpected ways
This seems like an obvious one but it’s amazing what you don’t realize/not aware of when you are in a completely new and sometimes challenging situation, especially when a lot of the time you are focusing on just surviving. During my travels I obviously wanted to meet people and make friends but I also wanted to control how and when it happened. I wanted to control outcomes. LOL. Right. Hardly ever happened that way. It was always in a really unexpected turn of events where I would meet the people I had true connections with: sitting at a bar by myself, eating at a pizza shop (I sure did have pizza in SE Asia and I enjoyed every bite of it) and snorkeling or scuba diving off a random beach. The situations where I was not expecting it is when it happened (such is the law of nature and life no?). Anyone else I met was a free for all in a hostel, on a tour, or drunk at a fire-show/bar.
17.) Things don’t always work out the way you want; they work out the way they should.
It’s sometimes an overused saying but it’s the truth. I could have left when Taylor left. I could have given up and gone back home. I could have stayed inside the whole time when I was having panic attacks but there was a reason that it was all happening. If we all take the time to see the big picture and focus not on what goes wrong, but on what actually goes right then we might be able to see that’s all for a reason. It’s all a learning and what’s needed at the time to push us into our next stage of growth. The learnings may not look like what you thought or wanted them to look like but that’s just the ego trying to control again. Let it go. Trust it all. These learnings, as hard as they may have been (or will be), are always happening for your greatest good.