#highly personal

[chaosmindthoughts]

I believe in the future the same way I believed in God.

[maddiem4]

It took me a long time to figure out I was trans, but one of the first things I figured out about myself in the gender/sexuality space at all was that I really like the idea of sentience showing up in unexpected form factors, and that when it does, it doesn't exempt that person from being deserving of love and physical affection or gratification. And it carries on to this day as like a meta-kink behind more typical kinks: not a furry, but they're hot to me. I like objectum porn, but I can't imagine doing anything with an actual factory robot IRL because (as Tim Robinson would say it) they got no soul!

But that's the appeal, you know. Connecting to personhood across barriers that most people wouldn't. That it brings new challenges, figuring out erogenous zones and how someone wants to be touched, but those are fun challenges! Fulfilling ones! The best part of the sex! Anyone who's had sex with me IRL knows that I like to dial in on my partners' responses and find new things they didn't know they liked. Human body, non-human body, the only difference is how much trail you get to blaze.

I really think if I hadn't grown up steeped in cultural transphobia and religious shame, I would have figured out that I liked trans people when I was like... 14 at the oldest. And that I was trans myself not too much longer afterwards, even if I wasn't yet equipped to figure out what kind of complicated gender I had going on in here.

I don't really have a point to any of this. Just musing I guess. But I don't think it's coincidence that the trans community overlaps so heavily with therians, monsterfuckers, robotgirls, all of that... when you have a personal dedication to the premise that It's What's Inside That Counts, you'll find that premise is extremely portable to other domains than whichever one you started in.

[lowkeyed1]

mfw i find out my bro in law's bail is $150K

[rusanya-does-edits]

Something weirdly specific for at least some of us, that we've had in mind for awhile; unfortunately this was the closest we could get with a picrew tbh.

× × × || × × × || × × ×

Like, fortunately for us; while we have some things that irk us with this one, but this hits pretty close in a metaphorical sense at least for the people we're thinking of. Unfortunately for us, some of those are more obvious than others so we hesitated on weather we needed to share this or not LOL.

[jacobsanna]

Ho detto ad una delle mie più care amiche, aka scopamica, aka la prima ragazza che ho amato e che amo ancora, che non la voglio più vedere perché lei mi tratta come una ruota di scorta.

In realtà sono solo io mega gelosa e non riesco a mantenere una scopamicizia con lei ma che ci posso fare. É da tre anni che vado avanti con sta tortura.

E quindi le ho detto addio, per poi piangere 10 min in macchina :)

[thesacreda]

A (not very) small thing about my life and Steven Universe

I mean, I made a post similar to this when I first started SU and what it meant and did to me in my life, but I should start again.

SU really saved me back when I was in high school. Back then, I could not let my emotions out, or even show any hints of them. I was to stay 'perfect' with no drugs and alcohol, good grades, good athletics, kind personality and did as I was supposed to be told. I wasn't supposed to have problems with anything, and if I brought something up that was wrong with me it would be shot back down and told that I had such a good life, that I couldn't possible be miserable. Sure there was bullying, due to the fact that I am on the spectrum, but I am sooo good at masking it and acting normal that that's not a problem. It was far easier just to move me around, change teachers than deal with a problem. I was at my breaking point. I was dealing with severe depression, couldn't let out any emotion (not even in secret), and felt like I was cracking. So much so that my spine tenses up so much I feel like if I stick a knife in it, it would alleviate some pain. Also to this day that's how my body deals with stress. There was also another thousand things wrong like this but are too personal to get into. But then I watched the first 50 episodes of su in one night because I kept seeing it on Tumblr.

That was when it broke me and I was able to cry. it help so much that I was able to let any emotion out was such a relief. Then, around this time, I began talk to an online friend from Europe and I was able to just, talk without consequence. See there was no one in my school I could just talk freely about everything. I had one friend in high school and we never gave any deep personal information to each other. So this was huge for me, being able to talk about things in my life, being asked questions about sensitive things and being able to say what was wrong. And I couldn't have opened up like this with SU.

Fast forward to present. I do have a therapist now which is really handy. But I still have some issues at hand. I find myself yet again at a point where I struggle to lay out my feelings to my friends. I love them all so dearly but I struggle with some things, to the point where I had a breakdown during our final night together in school term before we had to leave due to coronavirus. And then I just watched the ending of SU. the entirety of Steven universe future has shown Steven dealing with problem and emotions the same exact way I did back in highschool, right before I started watching SU. And seeing him explode like that was exactly the way I have been doing. It really hurts.

So here we are again. SU showing reteaching me the same lesson, at nearly the same time of need. It is showing me how I need to let people know about my fears and let them know my troubles that have to do with them. its gonna take a lot of willpower, because I am so scared of the outcome and whether my friends will abandon me, nearly exactly the same as my past trauma. Because honestly, that is my worst fear. And if I let it consume me, I am going to break yet again.

I just want to thank SU for all that it has done for me, and that it is basically saving me, yet again

[morningstarlucemon]

((So, this is a super personal thing that relates to my beliefs. So if you don’t wanna read cause you’re not interested, that’s totally cool. This is gonna be OOC and stuff. I just wanna post this here cause I don’t feel that I can openly say this anywhere else just yet. It’s not really safe for me in case bio family sees it. But I’m just... really excited and wanna talk about it. So if you’re interested, read more is below. There’s a TL;DR at the bottom if you want.))

So, anyone who knows me personally in any intimate manner might know that I’ve struggled with my beliefs for a really long time. I was raised super, super Christian, and even though my family was non-denominational, and we didn’t have a lot of religious “rules” like in mainstream Catholicism or anything similar, it was still really oppressive to me. Parts of my mental illnesses were blamed on demons and went untreated, and actually aggravated with the methods used to “help,” namely my OCD. To this day I have ticks that were programmed into my thought patters based in prayers I was taught that became compulsive habits rather than soothing mantras. And since I was very young I’ve been in a really precarious place with my faith.

I wanna say first and foremost, I don’t think Christianity is bad. I DO think the way people carry it out is harmful. But I don’t believe the faith as a whole is bad. I think that any religion practiced by someone for the want of peace and personal fulfillment without harming others is good so long as it makes them happy. I’m only saying that Christianity as I was taught it hurt me, and the people who taught it to me hurt me. And I now have a very uneasy relationship with the faith as a whole.

For probably around ten years or so, I’ve been a very... nihilistic person, not out of choice, but out of a compulsively logical mindset. If I didn’t have proof of it, my brain didn’t wanna believe it. It still doesn’t. I don’t claim to have ever experienced any proof of the supernatural. But I didn’t wanna call myself an atheist. I WANT to believe in something, anything. But any time I try, the logic part of my brain steps in and demands proof. And it’s been slowly killing me for several years, choking off my spirituality and adding to my depression. It didn’t help that, although I was too logical to believe in anything, I still had the fear and guilt that came with believing I was gonna be sent to hell. I had all of the guilt of religion, and none of the personal peace or fulfillment.

I have spent the last few years of my life talking to people of other faiths and lack there ofs-- atheists, agnostics, Lokean, Wiccan, Catholic, Voodoo practitioners, Heathens, Jews, Muslims, Hedonists, Multi-Theists, Hellenists, and a lot more, as well as several variations of Christians. But no matter what I tried, nothing seemed to fit. I couldn’t settle back into Christianity, no matter how much I tried to fit myself into more secular and relaxed sections of the faith, it never felt welcoming or comfortable. I could never get away from the guilt. But I also never felt attached to any other faith I dabbled in, either. Nothing clicked. I felt present and welcomed, but I didn’t feel at home.

I’ve been working in therapy to really explore myself, and doing a lot of self-reflecting. And part of that has been looking back on what I’ve identified with through the years. And something I have always gone back to was Dark Angels and things associated with Death. When I was very little and my Mom would watch Touched by an Angel, I’d ask her about the Angel of Death, and she would explain that he was not a bad person, but that he was someone who would come take us to Heaven when we died. And that stuck with me. I’ve always been drawn to characters who were outcasts, logical thinkers, people who thought of things with raw data and not pre-conceived ideas, and, of course, those associated with Darkness. Duo Maxwell, Treize Khushrenada, Lucemon, Violet Parr, Levi Ackerman, Rorschach, Raven Roth, Laura Kinney, Vaal Hazak, Sephiroth, Howl Jenkins Pendragon, Adrian Tepes, Black Shucks, Damien Bloodmarch... I never could put my finger on what they had in common until now. All of them are outcasts who think differently than society as a whole, many of them with dark or complex morality or emotionally injured themes about them. I have always been drawn to the darkness, even since I was a little kid. And I think, because of the fear I was taught, I denied and lied to myself something that I’m fairly sure I’ve known for years.

After really learning what other beliefs are, that they’re not all goat sacrifice and child rape, and learning the actual principals behind them, I think I might finally be ready to choose a title for myself and my belief set. After years of introspection, and debate, and self-exploration, I, for now, when it is safe to do so, will align myself with  Luciferian Satanism.

I have chosen this faith for many reasons. Lucifer expects nothing from me, not even for me to truly believe in them. Do no harm, and take no shit. This faith allows me to still be a kind human being, but also to not let myself be hurt and abused as I’ve been in the past. It is the first thing to slightly allay my fear of death in years. It recognizes that life is sometimes shit, but that we don’t have to live in existential dread all the time because of it. Sure, this life is piss sometimes-- but what the fuck is sulking about it gonna do? I might not be able to change the world, but I can make a few people feel better for a little while. I don’t need to search for the meaning in life-- it doesn’t matter if life is inherently meaningless, cause I am here, so I’m gonna have fun. And I’m gonna help others have fun, too. I’m gonna be kind to people because it makes me feel better to know I’ve made someone else feel better. Yeah, it’s a selfish motivation, but that’s what all acts are motivated by-- the want to feel better. And that’s very much okay. There’s nothing wrong with helping people because it makes you feel good, knowing that someone else’s day was improved by you. I don’t need an entity threatening me to make me do good things, and I don’t need praise from humans. I can worship myself, I can love and care for myself, and that’s not only okay but expected. Things aren’t good or bad just because society says they are. Things are good or bad because of the effect they put out into the world. It’s okay to be weird as long as you’re not hurting anyone else. I don’t have to always speak as others do or move like they do. It’s okay that I’m on the spectrum. I don’t have to pretend to be normal. Whatever comes for me, I’m gonna embrace it with open arms, and will take control and improve what I can, and ask for help when I need it, because I’m alive and I chose to try and be happy. I don’t need the promise of heaven or any afterlife to make me happy. If one comes, that’s wonderful. I hope I’m surrounded by people I love and who love me.

I’m not going to lie and say Lucemon didn’t have a part in me realizing I’m a Satanist, because they definitely did. I don’t think I would have ever been willing to even truly consider it if not for this angel. But I want to clarify one thing, as some of my friends seem to be a bit confused. I do believe I am kin with Lucemon. I do not believe myself to be kin with Lucifer, Satan, or the Devil. I may have a shard of them in me, but I lay no claim to their power except what I’ve been allotted in this life. I will absolutely claim myself and my power and title as Lucemon, Demon Lord of Pride in the Digital World. But I at no time want to claim to speak for Lucifer or have any right to his power.

On a similar note, I am not in this belief for the power. I don’t expect Satan to bestow me with a silver tongue or armies of demons. I do wish to become stronger in magic and charisma and use of my natural abilities to get what I want, but I intend to work for these things, not have them handed to me. I recognize that I have nothing Lucifer could ever potentially want, except possibly, maybe my understanding. I have nothing I could offer that would be of use to them. So I won’t try to barter for something I know damn well I’m not entitled to. I intend to work, study, practice, listen, and learn to grow my power. Lucifer expects nothing from me, I expect nothing from him. I only wish to devote to them my heart and respect because I feel a kindred spirit within them.

I believe Lucifer to be an enlightener, a symbol of progress, logic, exploration, love of knowledge and acceptance, and seeing things without bias. They may exist as a concept, or as an actual entity, or something in-between, or something totally outside my comprehension. Regardless of the nature of their existence, they bring me peace, and I find speaking of and to them to be soothing and helpful to me. I also do not feel that my devotion to them will interfere with my offerings to other gods. Lucifer is not tyrannical. Lucifer is not Jealous. They want only for me to be kind, and be myself. And that’s all I want.

I’m getting super tired, and I’m really rambling at this point. But I really wanted to state all this somewhere. I’m so grateful to finally begin to have something to take solace in. And I intend to accept this and further growth, regardless of where it takes me, openly and thankfully, as holding back has only hurt me. I intend to further research my stance, and potentially am looking into calling myself a Warlock. I understand that term is typically given to you by others as a derogatory term, and is used for those who have been expelled from their covens. But with that said, I HAVE been ejected from everything I knew before. I’ve thrown much of it out in favor of healthier beliefs and practices, and I seem myself as not fitting in with where I was and as something of an “other.” So I feel this term resonates with me and what I am and want to be.

So, yes. TL;DR: I consider myself a agnostic Luciferian Satanist, and am hoping to study and grow fully into a Warlock. This has given me peace I haven’t had in many years, and I am happier with this than I’ve been with anything else since I was a child.

Thank you all so much for listening to me. I love you.

[psychotropicplague]

FYI:

anyone who was belittling me about my gun-control rant is basically antagonizing someone disabled— it was also a draft i posted accidentally without editing it so..

have fun with that assholes.