im putting this under a readmore because . oh my gods ? i talk so much
the best part about having your partner as a roommate is that you dont have to go running down the hallways with your eyes blurry with tears for a hug . the worst part is having to be quiet enough you dont wake up your other roommate
i have this hc that both himeru and arashi have nightmares about the ones they couldnt save , and it gets worse at the beginning of the relationship because theyre both so scared , so nervous of making the same mistakes , horrified of taking one wrong step and losing it all again
despite us seeing arashi more emotional ( i think ) , i actually think himeru gets hit harder by their nightmares than she does . narunee is really good at taking hits and hitting back harder , but himeru ? i think its because kaname isnt quite dead yet
its because any day now they could get that call , visit at the worst possible time , every second is so volatile . and the nightmares are so real . theyre practicing , theyre on a date , theyre doing a skincare routine , theyre at his side when it happens .
its when it wakes up in a cold sweat , gripping its sheets , and it crawls over to arashis bed and just holds her face , pressing their ear to her chest just to hear her heartbeat , to make sure shes still here . and she wakes up every time , and after a while she stops asking questions , stops trying to calm it down as it shakes and holds onto her for dear life .
shes here , she knows theyre scared . she is too . but shes here . and thats all himeru needs , is for her to stay .
arashi just needs it to stay , too . she doesnt know if shell have the energy to fight back if they go . shell stay for them . she has to . she cant let them worry because she might cause another ...
both of them just need those nights together , even if its draining for them both .
okay putting this under a read more because theres gonna be . A Lot . also disclaimer theres some implied nsfw but nothing in depth ? kinda ?? youll see its right at the start /lh
ALSO i use they/it ( vvv rarely he / him for meru ) just a note ww
so i cant tell you how or why but this started as a crackship fwb au HAHA but then i was listening to this song that gave me angst ideas so it is now :
himeara started as fwb likely because theyre close in age and similar in personality . they have similar enough interests and one day they just decided why not ( theyre both good at hiding secrets , they know everyone has their own lives and mysteries and they know enough about each other to know they dont know really anything , and thats okay ) !! they spend more and more time together and not just in That Way and they both realize theyre falling in love
but no , no that cant happen
arashi loves everyone , she cant dedicate herself to one person . she has to be there for everyone , but at the same time , she cant pull herself away . she cant push himeru away ( " i cant have that blood on my hands . i have to be strong enough to handle this " , thats what she tells herself . she has to do her best to protect herself , but also to keep himeru safe . from herself ? from their own feelings ? she cant say . she couldnt say . she doesnt know )
for himeru , they cant let themselves get close to anyone again . not with what happened before . they cant go through that again . it cant put anyone else through that ( " i couldnt protect kaname or jun . i couldnt do anything . i wasnt strong enough . if she needs me , if i have to save her , will i be strong enough ?" it lays in bed , haunted by this . its all they can think about . theyre terrified )
one day , its just them in the dorm , getting ready for the day . arashi says that being alone like this makes her feel like shes living with a spouse , and jokes that maybe she and himeru should try it out . but her tone is too light , shes too cautious , and himeru worries theyre too obvious about their potential love for her . it feels mocked , but it knows shes sincere . they quickly shoot her down , saying it wont happen , and arashi visibly gets dishearted . " oh " she says , and thats the end of it .
go forward a bit and their nights together have stopped , though theyre trying to act like nothing happened . so tetora doesnt worry . so their friends dont ask . so they can try to act like they havent hurt someone else again . they still do each others makeup on occasion ( it started as a joke one day when they were together , and became a weekly thing . himerus touch is so light , arashis hands are so soft . theyre so close together , but they couldnt be further apart ) but things just arent the same . but theyre trying .
its during one of these sessions , as arashi holds himerus chin and dusts a nice shade of pink across their cheek , standing on her knees on her bed to have some leverage as it sits with its legs crossed in front of her , when himeru opens their eyes and looks at arashi . not through her . not past her . their eyes meet and god , its electrifying . at the same time , " i love you "
theyre both scared . theyre horrified . arashi loses her temper sometimes and she tries to make up for the slightest negative comments with lots of gifts and praise . himeru sometimes clings to her as she sleeps because they need to listen to her heartbeat to make sure that shes still there and shell greet him in the morning like always . theyre both so weak in their own minds , they still have so many secrets they couldnt possibly begin to open up about , but to the other , there is nobody stronger or more brave
theyre so flawed . theyre so damaged . theyre hands fit each others perfectly
