It’s a truth universally acknowledged that online dating is one of the most abhorrent activities one could voluntarily take on in life. Where do we even begin with this one? So intricately fucked up and disgusting is this pastime, it’s hard to even dissect the deeply unsettling nuts and bolts of it all. I was urged by my peers (you should never listen to other millennials, just as a rule) to “check out” the online dating “scene”. Well, I’ve been scoping out the scenery a bit, and it’s not an Icelandic wonder or anything. I’m not falling over with the life-changing arora borealisness of what heterosexual online dating has so far shown me.
Everyone is familiar with the various platforms for this sadistic activity, such as Tinder, Hinge, Coffee x Bagel, and Bumble. I stuck to Bumble mostly, as the interface pleaseth me mucheth and many a heterosexual dude friend had recommended the "feminist Tinder” app to me. Fancying myself a feminist and having survived nightmarish Tinder (which to me, kind of just feels like a vast catalog of humanity’s worst), I gave it a go. Truth be told, Bumble is dece. If I had to pick a favorite, I would have to go with the Bum. But picking a favorite dating app is like picking a favorite Republican presidential candidate. Like, do I have to?
TOP THOUGHTS ON [MY] BUMBLE DATING
01. For many, it’s a game of Hot or Not. People swipe and you match and they never respond. You just have to move on. Many of these Hot or Not-ers are also recently single, on the rebound, and looking for some kind of digital self-validation. I get it, but odd nevertheless.
02. Heterosexual dudes really like to quote Zoolander in their About Me’s. The same quote. Every time. So many of you out there.
03. Heterosexual dudes also really like to make mention of personal point systems for qualities that they like in women. E.g. “points if you know what X is” or “points if you __”. It’s unclear what one is supposed to do with these “points”. Like I fucking need your arbitrary points. Is this Chuck-E-Cheese? Am I cashing them in? 50 tickets for 1 second of non-douchebaggery?
04. They say it’s a statistics game. “You have to dig through a lot of coal before you find that diamond”. Are all of these bad dates supposed to make me appreciate an actual good one when it comes along? Can I just skip dating altogether and remember to appreciate a decent interaction when I recognize one? Who actually WANTS to be good at surviving terrible dates and reapplying the same get-to-know-you process again and again? It’s a soul-sucking journey and if I enjoyed repetitive, dull torture, I’d take up running. I’m just not cut out to be a coal miner, guys. Please bring me a diamond when you find one. Please refer to James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke segment with Chris Martin for my ideal mate’s personality. Either Corden or Martin will do nicely.
05. I’m not good at online dating. And I’m not sure I want to be.
