#hogwarts exposed

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The problem I've noticed is that so many authors forget that magic exists. Like, it exists only when the plot says so and otherwise they have to live as Muggles. [...] Why are they doing this? Why is this even a plot point? Magic could just make this go away.

Potterfic Weekly

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Yes, really.

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About the wizarding toilets thing.

(Text: “After enduring a certain notorious badfic that made an entire fucking subplot out of characters not being able to go to the toilet and wondering why the hell it was such a big deal in a world where Evanesco and Scourgify exist, I felt oddly vindicated when that was revealed.”)

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The author here is replacing actual witty or profound remarks from the protagonist with a bit character who is so easily impressed that she appears mildly psychotic. [...] Making another character laugh louder does not make the dialogue funnier.

How Not To Write a Novel, “The Cheerleader”

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[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 15: Life Goes On

Welcome back. When we last left off, we left on a cliffhanger which ended with Hermione running out naked to the Astronomy Tower.

But first, let us get to an intimate scene between Jamie Sue and Doris in the Room of Requirement:

"I never knew this room was here," Doris said, softly as she looked up and down the long hallway. "Is it generally used to provide somewhere for guests to stay?"

"I only learned of its existence last year, just like the Suethor" Jamie admitted. "It's called the Room of Requirement. It only appears when it's needed. Harry found out about its existence during his fifth year when he used it to hold secret Defense Against the Dark Arts meetings. Hermione suggested that you and I might want to spend the night here."

"She's wise beyond her years, isn't she?" Doris asked. "Leave it to her to know that I'd want to get away from people tonight, but yet not want to be completely alone. Jamie, I'm so very glad you and I became friends." Doris reached out and briefly touched Jamie's hand before they entered the room.

Why does this sound like it´s supposed to be romantic?

Tonight the room had converted itself into sumptuous sleeping quarters. It was decorated in an especially cheery way and contained two oversize beds. On each bed there laid dressing gowns and nightclothes. There was an attached bath and even a small fully stocked kitchen.

Yeah, romantic. This just reeks of Rose Potter essentially making out with other girls yet keep repeating that she´s straight.

Snip for Jamie admitting that she has used this room to shag Alex and other talk, and she suddenly remembers her dead parents:

"I still talk to my Mum and Dad," Jamie said unashamedly. "It's not the same; they can't answer back or give me a reassuring touch, but I know they're still watching over me. A person never completely dies as long as someone still loves them and thinks about them. I'm never going to let my parents fully die."

It´s funny, because over the course of Too Exposed, the Zacherley parents were gradually forgotten, until Dick Bancroft mentioned in a scene that he had set up the death of them for revenge for them testifying against his parents or something.

Aaaaaand this is of course never brought up again.

Jamie then angsts about having to wear the sleeping gowns on the bed, yet Doris reassures her that she doesnt mind seeing her naked, because their both girls.

Just as it seems that they´re about to kiss, Doris remembers why she is there to begin with:

There were a few minutes of awkward silence and then Jamie heard Doris' muffled sobs. "What am I going to do?" Doris cried. "I've lost my entire family and they'll be coming for me next. Jamie, I'm scared. I can't be one of them, but I don't want to die."

Without thinking, Jamie leapt from her bed and darted to Doris, enveloping the girl in a comforting hug. "You're not going to die. We'll protect you, and now take your clothes off!" Jamie said reassuringly.

"Harry and Hermione are already making plans for your security," Jamie confided. "You focus on laying your family to rest."

"Jamie?" Doris asked quietly. "Would it be asking too much for you to sleep with me tonight? I don't want to be alone and it's comforting being held by you."

Of course.

"I'm not going anywhere," Jamie said, nestling Doris' trembling body into her arms and kissing her cheek supportively.

This is ridicculous.

Cut for boring scene with Caitlin and Emily where they discuss their Yule Ball dates. Caitin scolds Emily for wanting to date an obvious pedo, while Emily asks why Caitlin was in a shower with the much younger Evan.

Cut for another boring scene - though this time with Denise and Janice. I had actually totally forgotten they existed - and like other sporkers noted, they are exacty the same. Why are there even two of them?

Anyway, Denise and Janice talk about humiliating Emily at the Yule Ball.

We then finally get to the actual continuation of the cliffhanger:

"Damn Hogwarts and its anti-apparition charms," Hermione thought as she ran from the apartment.

Yeah, magic, it´s a thing here you know.

The staff quarters and the Astronomy Tower were located at opposite ends of the castle. If she had on her trainers, Hermione doubted she could run the distance in less then ten minutes; in her bare feet, covering the expanse over the cold rough stone floors would take even longer. Could she possibly make it in time? The Marauders map had made it appear as if Draco were about to jump.

The suspense is killing me!

The staircase seemed endless as Hermione haphazardly sprinted down the steps, her breasts undulating with each footstep. Well, at least she doesnt have to fear Madam Hooch lurking around the corner anymore. Finally she reached the bottom, but just as she turned to head down the corridor, she collided with something unseen. She fell to the ground, her hands barely catching her in time to avoid her face smashing into the hard stone floor. Her legs were flailing in the air, whatever she had collided with implanted between them.

FUCK YOU NEIL

Only once she returned to a standing position did she realize what she had run into.

"Professor Flitwick, I'm so sorry," she said, flushing as she became cognizant of just where the professor's face had been entrapped. "Please forgive me, it's an emergency," she shouted as she turned to run off. "It's Draco! Get Severus and hurry to the Astronomy Tower."

Anyway, she makes it to the tower.

Just as she was about to look over the edge, a voice called out from her left. "Nice outfit Granger," Malfoy said. "I always did like the wet look."

The Draco Trilogy is back, I guess. "I wore it especially for you," she said. Hermione turned toward the sound of Draco voice "The Draco Voice" and began to slowly walk toward him, not even attempting to hide her splendor from his gawking eyes.

Not sexual at all. "What are you doing up here?" Hermione asked. "It's rather difficult to star gaze on an overcast night." "I could ask you the same question," Draco replied. "Do you normally roam so far from your lodgings starkers?"

Draco, you´re in Hogwarts Exposed. "Only when I'm troubled that someone might be considering attempting something brainless," Hermione answered.

How reassuring. "What I do or don't do is my own business, Mudblood," Draco shouted. "Furthermore, even though you have extremely attractive features, it will take more than a Muggle tit and arse show to change a pureblood's mind once it is made up."

I thought Exposed!Draco was already past this? "I didn't come up here to give you a lap dance, Inbreed," Hermione snapped angrily. OMG LOOK SHE´S SO SMART AND GOOD WITH COMEBACKS "I came to talk you out of making a huge mistake. Has all that interbreeding turned your mind to mush?" "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about," Draco shouted. "You have no idea of the choices I'll be faced with. I don't want to die when I finally have something worth living for, but it is the only way out."

This is so stupid. As they talked, Hermione had inched her way closer and closer to Draco. Now only a few feet separated them. Draco's back, however, was mere inches from the low tower wall. If startled in any way, he might back up and lose his footing. "He'll be coming for me soon," Draco cried. "Don't you understand? If I don't serve him, he'll kill everyone I love. I can't let that happen." Without warning Malfoy reached out and grabbed Hermione's bare breasts. FUCK YOU NEIL "I always wanted to do that," he said, a devilish smirk on his face. I think it´s just the Suethor speaking here. "Look at the bright side Granger. I'll die with a smile on my face." So much for the whole "nudity is nothing sexual and breasts are just body parts" BS that was pushed earlier in the series. He pushed away from Hermione and flipped backwards out of sight over the wall.

Oh well.

* * * * * *

We now get to the funeral.

Wednesday, November 9, 2005 "I hate funerals," Emily said, wiping tears from her eyes. "I'm never going to another one as long as I live. They're too depressing."

Shut up Emily -_- Jamie placed her arm around her sister's shoulder. "They are depressing," Jamie agreed. "Even if the person being buried wasn't close to you, it's still disheartening. Funerals bring back memories of those you've lost and remind you just how fragile life is. Regrettably the healthier you are and the longer you live, the more loved ones you'll see put to rest." "That's a pleasant thought," Emily said, sarcastically.

Neil, having one of the Main Sues say something like this sarcastically makes her look worse than she already is. "I think the private ceremony after dusk tonight will be even more heartrending," Jamie said. "It's one thing for an adult to die, but it seems so unjust for a child to have her life ended before it has even truly begun, especially in such a gruesome way."

See, this is about Doris´ parents, not Draco - this is Neil trying to *~*~*~* subvert expectations *~*~*~* "How could anyone cut off somebody's head; it's inhumane?" Emily sobbed. "Unfortunately in our world there are those that have no respect for life," Jamie said. Some people can as easily kill another human being as you or I could trample on an insect. I doubt that the brute that killed little Hillary even lost a moments sleep over it."

And I still can´t get over that she was named Hillary. Emily closed her eyes and shook her head. "I thought the atrocities of war were supposed to have ended with Voldemort's defeat. I guess I was wrong." "I'm afraid evil will always exist in our world," Jamie replied sadly.

- - - - - -

I have no idea what this is, given that we are still at the funeral.

"The lid of the casket is open," Caitlin cried, a horrified expression on her face. "Since they only recovered her head, I assumed it would be a closed casket viewing."

Caitlin, no one is forcing you to look at it. "That was the original plan," Harry said, "but Doris was adamant on seeing her sister one more time. With Sir Nicholas de Mimsy's Is he related to Mimsy from South Park? aid, Professor Flitwick and your Mum were able to transfigure her a temporary body for the memorial service." "They attached her head to another body?" Caitlin asked, horrified.

Caitlin, what did he just say? "Not exactly," Harry answered in a calming voice as he put his arm around Caitlin. "They didn't try to emulate Baron Von Frankenstein's work. "von" is not supposed to be capitalised, and I guess it means that Victor Frankenstein existed in this world. The body is only a prosthetic facsimile to which the head was connected. That is why she is covered up to the neck. They simply wanted to give her as proper a burial as possible." Caitlin nodded her understanding.

Nodded her what? Since the Ministry was denying the death of little Hillary, her interment was being conducted in secrecy under the cover of darkness. In addition to Doris and the Potter family the only people attending were a few trusted Hogwarts faculty members and some members of The Order of the Phoenix.

The latter which could be anyone at this point. "Death eventually comes to us all," Severus Snape stated as the mourners listened forlornly, "but its only cause should be old age. We live at a time when wizard kind has conquered disease; a time when all but the most serious injury can be cured by a mediwitch. Yet we find ourselves today mourning the death of a young child, a child whose life had barely begun. "Hillary Burke was robbed of her existence because the Suethor needed some rather unnecesary shock value for the sake of drama her parents loved her and wanted her to live a life of freedom in a world liberated of fear. Hillary was loved, but those who killed her find the mere concept of love alien. They live only to destroy and hate. "I pray there is a God. I pray there is a heaven. And I pray that God has prepared a place for this little angel."

I still don´t fully grasp the idea of religion in the wizard world. Hermione and Jamie accompanied Doris to the casket, where she kissed her sister's cheek one final time before the lid was closed.

* * * * * *

A lot of the following will be unsporked:

"Are you sure you're up to this?" Jamie asked as she and Doris approached the Room of Requirement.

Considering how their last time in that room ended, this sounds kinda wrong.

"No! Honestly I'm drained, but I have to attend," Doris admitted. "I need to be a part of the effort to defeat them. I have to do it for myself, for my parents, but mostly for Hillary. I have to help fight back."

The room they entered was much different than the one they had slept in the previous few nights. There were no beds, no bright cheerful colors. Instead there was a huge conference room with a magnificent round table. Harry ushered Jamie and Doris to chairs and then cleared his throat to get everyone's attention.

"It is getting late. Now that everyone is here, I suggest we get started immediately," Harry said, forcefully. He gave Doris a sympathetic smile and then continued. "I apologize for the timing of this meeting, but there are some matters we must address immediately. Since many Order members were attending the funeral, I felt it would save a trip. I realize that it might seem in bad taste to meet at this time, but Slytherin hasn't called a moratorium in his recruiting efforts."

"Harry, before you continue, may I ask a question?" Shacklebolt inquired.

Harry nodded his head.

"I understand that we all just left a funeral, but do you really feel that it is prudent to allow children, even your own, to attend a meeting of the Order? And what about him? His father was a Death Eater."

In case you didnt get the memo, Draco is still alive and well.

"They are the primary reason for this meeting," Harry answered. "We will forgo discussion on any other subjects until a decision is reached concerning them."

"What decision is that?" Shacklebolt asked.

"Whether are not they should be inducted as members."

"Whether are not" is got to be one of the dumbest spelling fails I´ve seen in this Saga - how many betas are there again?

"Harry, you can't be serious," Ron implored. "The Order has always required that members be of age and out of school."

Ron is only saying this so that Neil can get back to some Ron-bashing that he is so fond of.

"I recall three exceptions to that rule," Harry said. "If I'm not mistaken you were one of those."

"You know very well that was under special circumstances," Ron emphasized. "Dumbledore only permitted you in because of the prophecy that the Suethor took from a different fanfic and Hermione and I because of our close liaison with you. But even so, that wasn't until the end of our sixth year. I can appreciate the value in considering exceptional seventh year students that we know can be trusted, but Emily and Caitlin are only twelve and thirteen. Fourteen if we are to go by the next fic, in which she turns fifteen at the start of the school year for something plot-related that was actually mentioned in the first fic but that I think Neil forgot about in the meantime. The order, after all, isn't a babysitting service."

"Too young to vote, but not too young to die," Harry said sorrowfully. "Hillary was only six. I'm not proposing that underage wizards and witches be accepted into the Order Carte Blanche, but like Dumbledore finally made an exception in our case, I feel we also have to make exceptions. It's obvious that Health and Sight in the prophecy refers to Caitlin and Emily. Slytherin can't be defeated without the aid of these girls. How can we ask them to risk their lives to save wizard kind and at the same time deny them access to information that might well save their lives?"

We then get the prophecy repeated, again. For some reason.

"I'm with Harry," Tonks affirmed. "They may be young, but Caitlin and Emily have already faced greater peril then most full grown wizards have experienced. At their age, we most certainly can't expect them to stand beside us in battle, but because they are part of the prophecy, they should be privy to all Order knowledge and activity.

Because the Sues are so speshul.

"Hermione, you've been uncharacteristically quiet thus far tonight," Severus said. "What say you on the subject?"

"Obviously, I have mixed emotions," Hermione answered, staring lovingly at her two girls. "They are my daughters, my little girls. My motherly instinct is to try and shield them from any possible danger, but we already know that is impossible.

This sounds so stilted and melodramatic.

"She's right," Sam declared. "We need them and they need us. Slytherin has already demonstrated that this war will have casualties of all ages; it's going to need soldiers of all ages, also."

Is Sam now part of the Order too? Is that why she is there?

Harry nodded his head in agreement. "Unless someone feels there is a need for further discussion, I'd like to call for a vote. All those willing to accept Caitlin Potter and Emily Zacherley-Potter as members of The Order of the Phoenix please indicate by raising your hand."

Harry counted the raised hands. "Those opposed!"

No one was mentioned, despite Rons comments from earlier.

"Congratulations ladies!" Harry said. "You are now official members of The Order of the Phoenix." Both Emily and Caitlin responded in somewhat juvenile ways.

"Harry, can I assume that our other guests are also here to have their membership voted upon?" Snape inquired.

"That's correct," Harry replied.

Severus rubbed his chin, apparently deep in thought. "Since we have for all intents and purposes abolished the age restrictions for membership, I would like to sponsor Miss Zacherley and Miss Burke."

I repeat: Snape was more in character in My Immortal.

Harry gave Severus a grateful smile.

Oh G"d please no.

"These ladies have both been a credit to Hogwarts," Severus went on. "Both were house prefects or "perfects" and both made the short list for head girl. You all know Jamie; I don't think it's necessary to go into her history or to justify her qualifications.

Of course the Main Sue doesnt need any more introductions.

"However, Doris is an unknown to many of you and she does come from the house that supplied a majority of Voldemort's supporters. But I guarantee you she is one of us. Harry and I visited her memories; I saw her reaction to the letter from her mum concerning the initial visit from Nott and I read her response. If my recommendation isn't enough, look at those two."

Severus indicated Jamie and Doris who were sitting with their hands unashamedly clutched tightly together So much shipping. on the table. "Females in the Zacherley family have an uncanny ability to judge people. Which is why Jamie sanctioned Amanada getting into a relationship with Tony who then impregnated her and then disappeared from the fic for good Perhaps they have a touch of Kneazle blood in them," Severus said, giving Jamie a grin.

"Jamie, do you trust Doris?" Severus asked

"With my life," Jamie said, squeezing Doris's hand even tighter and giving her a heartening smile.

"That's certainly good enough for me," Severus said, giving the girls one of his no longer rare smiles.

WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO TO SNAPE???!!!

Harry beamed when the voting was complete and both girls had received unanimous approval.

"That leaves us with one final candidate to vote for," Harry said.

"Of course, you saved the best for last," Draco said smugly.

"Harry, you can't be serious," Ron raged. "Not the 'ferret.' You can't possibly trust that git."

More Ron-bashing incoming!

Ron received angry stares from both Ginny and Sam for his outburst.

Did you think I was kidding?

"Surprisingly I do," Harry said. "Up until Saturday night I had some reservations, but not any longer."

"Skunks don't change their stripes," Ron fumed. "What could possibly happen in one night to erase over a decade of hate and deceit?

"He tried to kill himself in order to protect Ginny and their baby," Harry said calmly.

Draco seemed to be closely studying the texture of the table's wood grain, avoiding the stares of everyone present. Ginny held his hand tightly between her two small pale palms.

"Good grief Harry! The bastard has been play-acting for years," Ron protested. "Think back to third year; how he tried to get Hagrid fired and Buckbeak executed. He'd never do the world the favor of doing away with himself."

I thought Ron had warmed up to him in the continuity from the other fics this is based on.

"He certainly tried Saturday," Harry said resolutely and then with Hermione's help began to tell the story.

"... When I saw him disappear over the wall, I was certain he would die," Hermione said. "I had no idea that Harry had flown to the Astronomy Tower and positioned himself just below Draco and out of my sight."

How convenient.

"He fell directly into my arms," Harry said. "It all transpired so fast that I don't think Draco at first comprehended what was happening. I had him back on the tower and secured with a binding charm just before Professor Flitwick arrived with Ginny and Severus."

"Once again, the Great Harry Potter saves the day," Draco drawled sarcastically. "All you've done is delay the inevitable and place Ginny's life in jeopardy."

"Draco, suicide isn't the answer, it never is," Ginny pleaded, tears filling her eyes. "The order will help us."

"Like they helped her parents and sister?" Draco said furiously, looking toward Doris. "He's not going to be stopped, can't you understand that. You only have two choices; join Slytherin's ranks or die. If I have to die, I'd rather it be at a time and a place of my own choosing; not after I've been forced to witness the torture and death of the only person that has ever truly loved me."

"There is a third choice," Harry said serenely. "You could join us and help defeat him."

TLDR; more plot recycling!

"Nott made one thing extremely clear. No one turns down Slytherin and lives. Burke's family isn't the first to die. It's only the first you're aware of."

Yet apparently also the only ones who are mentioned for the rest of the saga too.

Because fuck all those who arent friends with the Main Sue.

"Then I think it's clear what you must do," Harry said, after a few moments of thought. "You must contact Nott tomorrow and inform him that you want to join Slytherin's cause, but first, tonight you must swear your allegiance to The Order of the Phoenix." For a short time the room remained silent as everyone digested Harry's words. "You want me to be a spy for the Order?" Draco muttered, shaking his head in disbelief. "If he finds out, he'll kill me and Ginny, too." "Draco, don't you understand. Even if you had been successful at committing suicide, he would still have tried to kill Ginny," Harry explained. "Even though you'd be in your grave, he'd still want to exact his revenge on you."

Oh well.

* * * * * *

Cut for a short scene where we for once learn that Rons comments earlier objecting to the inclusion were a plan by Harry so Harry could explain his reasoning to include the other Sues and Draco.

Cut for a lengthy description of Jamie entering the main hall and seeing that all the tables have been rearranged because Snape wants to do away with the House Tables or something.

"When you all first arrived at Hogwarts, as nervous first years, you were given a little talk about the various houses. You were informed that your house would be something like your family within Hogwarts. You would have classes with the rest of your house, sleep in your house dormitory, and spend free time in your house common room. "Up until today you also enjoyed your meals with members of your house. Yes, on rare occasions some of you have been brave enough to sit at another house table with a friend, but those instances have been all too rare. Sadly, many of you have not gotten to properly know three quarters of your fellow students.

Just when you thought that Exposed!Snape couldnt get any more out of character, you get this. "I see that each house has laid claim to one of the corner tables. This is fine! We are often most comfortable around those we are most familiar with. However, I encourage you to use the community table in the middle of the Hall. Spend some time with friends from other houses; make new friends. I look to the prefects and the head boy and girl to help me in this effort to bolster unity."

This is so stupid. "What a marvelous idea," Jamie declared. "Amanda, please come with me, I'm going to get Doris. Alex, why don't you ask some of your Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw friends to sit with us?"

THE GLURGE IS KILLING ME HELP MEEEEEEE "Must you be a prefect or can I go get Kim and Emily," Caitlin asked excitedly. "The headmaster just wants us to get things started," Jamie advised. "Go get Kim and your sister."

I was under the impression that this isnt the first time they all sit together. "What the hell is happening to this place," Dick declared to anyone willing to listen. "Just when I think it can't get any worse, it does. Well, I'm staying right where I am. I'll be damned if I'm going to get chummy with any of the riff raff."

* * * * * *

We get back to the shenanigans related to the tournament.

"Are you nervous about today's training session?" Kim asked as she and Caitlin walked toward the Quidditch Pitch.

"Not really," Caitlin answered, "the way Mr. Simone talked it's just going to be more of those stupid 'get to know you' games. I'm anxious to see what the real challenges will be like."

"Me too. Eager, but nervous at the same time," Kim said.

"I just hope the sun comes out. I'm freezing," Caitlin said. "My goose bumps have goose bumps."

"Me too," Kim whispered. "I guess that's a disadvantage of the concealment charm; at least we could have cast a warming charm on the costume."

The whole thing with forgetting about magic is going to get even more ridicculous just before the fics climax.

"Not that it would have done much good. There is hardly any material to cast a warming charm on," Caitlin said with a laugh. "I'll check with Mum. There has to be some sort of warming charm that can be applied to the human body without burning it to a crisp."

If only it would burn the Sues away.

"Caitlin, don't look now, but that group of fifth year boys is really checking us out," Kim whispered.

Caitlin laughed. "If they like the view in these costumes, imagine if they could see us as we really are, just socks and trainers."

Kim blushed. "Caitlin, if I tell you something, will you promise not to tell a soul."

"Yes, as long as it doesn't involve you performing any unforgivable curses on anybody," Caitlin said with a laugh.

"I can't believe this!" Kim said. "I'm embarrassed to tell you."

"Out with it!"

"Those guys! I'd rather that they had seen me nude then in this decadent outfit," Kim admitted. "I'm ashamed to be seen in this."

Caitlin smiled. "It's official," she said. "You're assimilated! one of us, you're a naturist. You've learned that being nude is not dirty or sexual." In this fic, this mantra makes no sense, given what we witnessed when Draco tried to off himself. Caitlin laughed. "But I'm afraid those guys would have had dirty and sexual thoughts no matter how we were dressed."

Well, they are in Hogwarts Exposed, so she´s got that right.

"Caitlin, do you have a minute?" Matt asked running up to the two girls. "We need to talk."

Oh no, not that show again.

"We better hurry," Kim cried. "It looks like they're ready to start."

"Matt, I can't now, we're late, but if you meet me after the session we can talk," Caitlin said insincerely.

Matt nodded his head as Kim and Caitlin both began to sprint toward their teammates.

"Did you see that Eric?" Rishard said in disgust as Kim and Caitlin reached the other Hogwarts champions. "How are they doing it? It should be impossible to run like that without their little tits popping out."

We get it, he´s a pervert!

"I agree," Eric said, frustration evident in his voice, "but they didn't and I suggest you find out why and find it out fast. THIS IS THE MAIN CONFLICT OF THE FIC GUYS We are paying you big bucks to delivery us nudity. We can get young girls in scanty costumes at any local beauty pageant. For your sake, there better be some tits and pussy on display today."

I love how Neil thinks underage nudity is so popular.

"There will be, I'm sure there will be," Rishard guaranteed nervously as Eric returned to his seat in the stands.

"Both teams are assembled and ready whenever you are Mr. Simone," Harry said as he approached Rishard.

"Thank you, Harry!" Rishard said. His eyes caressed Harry as they always did, but this time his mind seemed preoccupied. Suddenly he seemed to come out of his stupor. "Yes! Yes! Well on with the show."

Rishard drew out his wand, directed it at his throat, and said "Sonorus." Everyone in the stands could now hear his every word. He looked up at the sky.

"Hopefully we'll be able to complete our exercises today without any unwelcome rain," he said with a nervous laugh. "These exercises might seem easy and in some cases silly, but they serve an important purpose. They allow you to get acquainted with your teammates and to learn to fully trust them.

Didnt they do this before?

"It will be critical that you have full faith in your teammates when we start the actual competition. Our first exercise today is known as the Trust Fall. As you can see, we have erected two platforms, one for each team. These platforms are five and a half feet off the ground and large enough for two people to stand on. You will take turns climbing to the top of the platform and then jumping into the arms of your waiting teammates. Your coach will stand with you to give you encouragement and to ensure that your teammates are prepared. Do not jump headfirst or feet first. The members of your team will be in two lines ready to receive you. You want to arrive in their arms as prone as possible."

This is dumb.

"Why do I have the feeling that Dick Bancroft is going to be concentrating more on getting a quick feel than on preventing us from hitting the ground?" Jamie asked.

Caitlin laughed. "Because you know the true deviate that's hidden behind that school boy facade. How do you think everyone will react to holding us in their arms naked?"

Caitlin, you´re in Hogwarts Exposed. Stupid question.

"I think it will take a little getting used to, but Lee, Don and Jeff seem pretty cool. They also have no personality to begin with. I think they'll be okay. Dick, on the other hand is a big question mark," Jamie remarked. "I can't picture him being anything other than a jerk."

"Now if you'll all pay attention, I'll walk both teams through this the first time," Rishard advised. "Let's have the lightest member of each team on the platform first."

"That's you, Caitlin," most of the Hogwarts team said concurrently.

This is supposed to be funny, as Caitlin has no boobs, or something.

Rishard watched in disquiet as Caitlin, without a concern, climbed up the ladder to the platform. Although the costume provided a brilliant view of young arse -_-, her adolescent breasts seemed quite content to remain covered. This was not going at all as planned and Simone knew his backers would not be happy.

I repeat:

THIS IS THE MAIN CONFLICT OF THE FIC

Debby likewise reached the top of the American platform without a mishap. Rishard began to panic; what if they went through the entire exercise without any exposure or overexposure!. He didn't even want to consider how Eric and the other sponsors would react.

Cut for lengthy description of how to catch the jumping players.

Harry had to do more restraining then encouraging; Caitlin was ready to leap before her catchers were even in position. Although Caitlin didn't appear the least bit nervous, most of her catchers did, with the notable exception of Dick the Dick Bancroft. Dick was positioned across from Kim in the chest support position. Jamie was at the front ready to prevent any head injury.

A feeling of revulsion swept through Kim as she clutched hands with Dick. He had this nasty look on his face. Kim got the impression that Dick was more interested in fondling Caitlin than he was in safely catching her.

This is repeated as often as the whole "Ginnys tight dress wasnt secured enough for her boobs" part in the first fic.

Harry looked down on his team. "Everybody ready?" he asked. "How about you?" Caitlin gave the only father she had ever known an enthusiastic thumbs up. "Then jump!"

I have a bad feeling.

Caitlin was standing at the edge of the platform. She leaned back and then without hesitation thrust herself forward. Her body was perfectly prone when she reached the awaiting arms, but she had misjudged the strength of her lunge. She completely overshot Nora and Lee who were positioned to catch her legs; they instead fell on the arms of Don and Jeff, leaving Kim and Dick to catch her entire torso. Because of her light weight, they were able to hold her, although for a few frightening seconds it looked like Jamie might be the only thing preventing Caitlin from hitting the ground head first.

....why did this description sound nonsensical?

Caitlin quickly wriggled free. Once her feet hit the ground, she turned and gave Dick a penetrating, disgusted look. He returned a wily, evil smile that was quickly whipped off his face by a vicious slap.

Well, at least Caitlin did something.

Few noticed the slap as their attention was now on Debby, who was about to jump. Jamie, however, hadn't missed her sister's outrage and quickly approached her.

"What happened?" she asked urgently.

"That prick fondled me," she answered. "Worse than that, he tried to finger me, too."

FUCK YOU NEIL

Also, fingering in public?

"Are you positive?" Jamie asked in shock. She had always disliked Dick, but didn't think that even he would be so gross in such a public venue. "You over shot your landing. Perhaps he was only trying to keep you from falling."

Oh come on, Jamie Sue, even you can´t be so pure that you would be surprised that Dick the Dick did something like that.

"I know the difference," Caitlin said adamantly. "Remember in my first year when I was getting off Matt's shoulders and slipped. He grabbed me at the crotch to keep me from falling. His fingers didn't move and he apologized a million times." At the time she had been mortified that Matt had touched her there, now it was a fond memory of the close relationship she had once shared with the boy.

-_-

"This was different. Bancroft kept moving his fingers around, trying to make entry."

"I'm going to kill him," Jamie said. And from the expression on her face, it looked like she had every intention of doing just that.

"You can't," Caitlin said, holding on to her. "He isn't worth you getting into trouble. Just, you be careful and warn Kim and Nora."

"Oh btw, be careful Kim and Nora, that Dick isnt fingering you when you get down!"

In any normal situation Dick would most likely get suspended for sexual harrasment.

Jamie shook her head in agreement, but nevertheless slowly walked over to Bancroft. Then she started talking, but only loud enough for Dick to hear.

"Dick, have you ever hear of Viagra?" Jamie inquired.

Oh here we go...

Bancroft stared at her incredulously, wondering where this line of questioning was headed.

"Yeah, I heard of it," he replied. "Isn't that the Muggle medicine that gives a guy a temporary stiffy?"

"Did you know that there is a magical equivalent?" Jamie asked. "There is a spell that can add six inches to the length of a guy's penis, and it's not temporary. You have to perform another spell to return it back to normal."

"What makes you think I'd have any interest in this?" Dick asked angrily. "I don't need any artificial enhancements."

"I didn't say you did," Jamie answered coyly. "I was just wondering what would happen if the reversal spell was performed without the elongation spell being done first. Would you like to find out?"

And then everyone started clapping.

"Are you threatening me, Zacherley?" Dick had a menacing look on his face, but his quaking voice gave away his fear.

"Not threatening," Jamie said. "It's more like a promise. If you touch any of the girls on this team again in an improper way, I'll be using you as a guinea pig."

"You wouldn't dare," Bancroft said.

"I believe I'm on the platform next," Jamie said. "Feel free to grope me if you think I'm bluffing. I think the title Nearly Dickless Dick sounds cute." She turned and walked toward the platform.

YASSSSSS QUEEEEEEN SLAAAAAAAAYYYYYY

Jamie jumped with no consequences, as did Kim. For the moment at least, Bancroft appeared to be behaving. Much to Rishard's chagrin, so were the costumes.

MAIN CONFLICT EVERYONE

The Hogwarts team had elected to have the girls all jump first before proceeding to the heavier boys. That meant it was now Nora's turn. She stood petrified staring at the ladder.

Up until now, she had been able to shield her breasts even as she helped catch her teammates. How could she properly leap from the platform and at the same time screen her breasts? For that matter, how could she even climb the ladder?

Isnt Salazar Slytherin up to something?

If this had been in the hands of a better writer and not having this ridicculous Naturism-focus then this scene would probably have been a good vehicle for a attack by Salazar Slytherin to make his presence known, or something.

Nora put her left foot on the ladder and reached up for the rung with her right arm. That was all it took for her right nipple to burst out of hiding. Nora turned crimson as she tucked the offending breast back into the minuscule costume and cowered in a ball at the foot of the ladder.

Oh, the suspense is killing me yet again.

Rishard for the first time today, displayed his toothy smile. Nora didn't possess the largest or most perfect breasts on either team, but at this point Mr. Simone was happy for any display of nudity.

"We'll help you up the ladder," Jamie said, placing her arm around Nora.

I thought she was already halfway up?

"How can you do that?" Nora asked, a defeated tone to her voice.

"The ladder isn't that tall," Jamie answered. "Kim and I can hang on either side of the ladder holding the uniform cloth against your body so that your breasts don't pop out. Caitlin can wait at the top of the ladder to help you until you are standing upright."

Wait what

"Then what?" Nora asked.

"Then you have to build up the nerve to jump," Jamie replied. "We'll do our best to conceal you once you're in our arms."

Nora looked at Jamie, desperation evident in her eyes. She couldn't do this, yet she knew she had to do this. She sadly nodded her head in agreement.

Mr. Simone watched crossly as the girls helped Nora successfully negotiate the ladder. He considered protesting, but remembered that this was just training and what they were doing violated no rules. Oh well. Once Nora was standing upright on the platform, the girls all hurried back to their catching positions.

"You can do this Nora, I know you can," Harry said positively.

"I wish I had your confidence, Professor Potter," Nora answered, visibly shaking.

"Just slowly walk to the edge of the platform," Harry encouraged. "Don't look down. I'll tell you when everybody is setup. Then just close your eyes and jump; they'll do the rest. Have faith."

So her lack of faith is going to be her end, it seems.

Nora nodded. She had to stop being a coward Seriously? and become part of the team. Somehow she was able to block from her mind how scantily dressed she was, as she approached the edge of the platform. She stood there, her eyes pressed closed waiting for Harry's signal.

Harry lingered until everybody was ready and looked up at Nora before yelling, "Jump!"

In one quick movement Nora raised her arms and jumped forward and off the platform. As she raised her arms, both breasts burst out of her costume. Well, at least Madam Hooch is dead, other wise.... Nora screamed and brought her arms down to clutch her chest. This had the affect of turning her prone lunge into a roll. She was headed toward the ground headfirst. Dick who was in the front position for this jump panicked to get out of the way and in so doing knocked Kim and Jeff both off balance.

I think this is one of the very few times the word "balance" is used right.

Nora's head, neck and shoulders hit the ground simultaneously with a loud crack. She just lay there seemingly lifeless.

DUN DUNN DUUUNNNNNNN

End of Chapter 15

And I guess it´s now time to return to the framing device from 6 years ago:

After Ebony had killed Magichan, she faced the others around her. "We need to end this madness once and for all!" she said, and jumped sexily on to the street.

Suddenly, she saw several ugle hedgehog-like abominations flying towards her, which she then immediately used one of the unforgiveable curses to defeat. "Well, that was easy!" she said to herself.

As this happened, Christian Weston Chandler and his abomination, Sonichu, watched it all unfold in a chrystal ball in his castle.

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 14:

The First Casualties of War

Welcome back. I know it´s been a while, but life happened, and this has to be taken care of too. I honestly hope to finish this chapter in one setting.

Also, with all that said, this month actually marks TEN YEARS since I first stumbled upon Hogwarts Exposed on Das Sporking. I do think that reading these sporkings has changed my view on both the concept of fanfiction and Mary Sues as a whole.

When we last left off, there was a cliffhanger ending with Hermie Sue telling Harry Stu that Snape looked distraught.

But first, we need a very long section of the forced and very creepy Caitlin (14) and Evan (11) romance that Neil for some reason set up after for some reason character assasinating Matt.

It ends with Caitlin selecting Evan as her "just friends" date to the Yule Ball.

Evan jumped to his feet, faced Caitlin and bowed. "It would be my honor to escort the beautiful princess to the ball," he said. Caitlin blushed as she got to her feet and pulled Evan into a firm hug. "You are a special friend," This term sounds so wrong in anything related to Hogwarts Exposed! she said, holding him tightly. Evan didn't respond. He felt as if he had just died and surely gone to heaven.

Other sporkers have already mentioned it, but it seems that Neil is using Evan as a self insert to live out a romance from when he was a child when he apparently had a crush on an older girl.

Cut for a boring scene where we get to know that Ginny is pregnant.

After depositing Ben with Sam and Ron, they hastened to the Headmaster's office. Harry promptly gave the password to the stone gargoyle. You know, despite the fact that the names Harry and Hermione are used, occasionally I do forget that this is supposed to be a Harry Potter fanfiction - why? Because there is honestly more talk of naturism than anything with Magic. He and Hermione reached the top of the spiraling staircase just as Tonks and Shacklebolt finished removing their rain gear. One look at the solemn expressions on the Aurors' faces, and they knew that this most definitely wasn't a social call.

Which must have been relieving, as they didnt want their little naturist cult be destroyed by the social services. Snape gestured for everyone to be seated. "What is this visit concerning?" he asked, scrutinizing the Aurors. "As you know, at the last meeting of the Order of the Phoenix, Harry asked Tonks and I to be on the lookout for anything suspicious; anything that might point to Salazar Slytherin recruiting followers," Kingsley stated. "This morning The Magical Law Enforcement Patrol was contacted by an elf, reporting that her masters had been killed. Tonks and I decided to tag along." "Fortunate that we did," Tonks interjected. "The Ministry has ordered a cover up."

Dun-dun-duuuuun. "Cover up?" Harry asked questioningly. "It's being reported as a double murder, kidnapping," Tonks revealed, "but it's not. Even the Magical Law Enforcement Patrol knows that, but all the evidence has been sequestered." "What makes you think Slytherin had anything to do with it?" Harry questioned. "This!" Shacklebolt said, withdrawing a partially written letter from his pocket. "While I was listening in as the patrol leader questioned the house elf, our Nymphadora did a little confiscating of evidence herself." Tonks gave a shudder; she hated when anyone used her first name. "If I hadn't, you know it would have been destroyed," Tonks said defensively.

I just find it weird that we for the first time in several chapters actually get some of the main characters involved with the actual plot again after we spent the last couple of chapters angsting about the stripperific costumes for the tournament. "You're quite right! I was complimenting you, not criticizing you," How did what he said sound like criticism? Kingsley explained as he handed the letter to Snape. Without looking over the letter, Snape began reading it aloud.

Darling, I know my last owl upset you. If it were possible for your father and I to undo our past, don't you think we would? You can't imagine how many times we've regretted ever becoming involved with the Dark Lord. My only excuse is that we were young and foolish. We can't change the past, but we need to do everything possible now to protect you and Hillary. I don´t know why, but naming a pureblood witch "Hillary" sounds just very out of place. You girls are our world. I don't want us to fight, but I'm not leaving you behind. We've made arrangements to depart for the United States on Sunday. I know this is upsetting to you, but we have no choice. It is imperative that you tell no one. We will

"Do you think she was writing this letter when the murderer arrived?" Hermione asked.

If it wasnt for this line, I would have thought it was just yet another aspect of Neils bad and clumsy writing. "That's our belief," Shacklebolt replied. "Tonks and I think the parents were being coerced to join with Slytherin. Their daughter, the one the letter was being written to, is a seventh year at Hogwarts. We know that already, why is this stated again? Once the ministry fabricates their story, I'm sure they will contact the school. Although difficult under the circumstances, it might be best if you could talk to the young lady before the ministry intervenes."

Yes, Neil is now recycling the canon plotline of the Ministry covering up Voldemorts return. "I agree," said Hermione, "but isn't our first concern for Hillary, the girl that was kidnapped? What is the ministry doing to locate her?"

Oh Hermione... "Nothing!" Tonks said, unable to hold back her tears. "That's part of the ministry sham. She's not kidnapped; at least not anymore." Hermione, Severus and Harry all stared at Tonks, expressions of confusion and unease on their faces. "There was another piece of evidence that the ministry ordered destroyed," Kingsley said, his voice shaking uncontrollably. "Whoever committed the murders also delivered a package to the home." Kingsley hung his head sadly and closed his eyes as if ready to say a prayer. I guess they´re all Christian now. Tonks started crying uncontrollably. "The box contained Hillary's decapitated head."

This was written in by Neil to show how much more eeeeeeeevul Salazar is than Voldemort, yet it doesnt really work aside for some really gross shock value.

Also, given Neils notoriety of both ripping off other fanfiction and actual canon, it´s rather obvious this was taken from Se7en. Hermione's face became a ghastly white as she lunged for the waste bin. Harry and Severus sat motionless, neither wanting to fathom such an atrocity. After a few minutes of uneasy quiet, Harry spoke. "They have the child's head. How can they possibly say she was kidnapped? They must see that this is the work of the evilest of wizards." "The ministry refuses to believe that Slytherin has returned and walks amongst us," Shacklebolt replied.

This is so stupid. "But what of the poor girl's head?" Hermione cried. "How can they deny its existence?' "Because it was transfigured to a twig What? and tossed into the trash," Tonks sobbed. "The remainder of her body will undoubtedly never be found." "The poor dear," Hermione wailed. "At the very least she deserved a proper burial." "I felt that way, too," Kingsley said, tears filling his eyes as he gently removed a twig wrapped in a soft cloth from his pocket. "She should be restored to human form when the time comes, but I don't think I have the stomach for it." "I'll do it," Hermione said, looking at the ceiling as if asking for strength. "Give me the strength that I have in canon, ceiling!" "Severus, could you please put the twig somewhere secure until the proper time? Who is Hillary's sister? We need to talk to her before the ministry gets a hold of her." "Doris Burke," Shacklebolt answered.

I thought it was already obvious that this was Doris. "No! No!" Hermione cried, slumping to her knees Seriously? and looking as if ready to pound the floor to dust. "No!" Harry got on his knees next to her and wrapped his arm around Hermione comfortingly.

This is laughable.

* * * * *

Doris walked quietly into the Headmaster's office, and then studied the somber faces surrounding her. Without anyone uttering a word, tears filled her eyes. "My parents are dead, aren't they?" she asked, fighting to hold back the tears.

I thought the tears were already filling her eyes? "What about Hillary? Is she okay?" Doris asked hopefully. "No, I'm afraid not," Hermione said tearfully, getting up from her chair and going to comfort the distressed girl. "I've lost my entire family," Doris sobbed, "and I'm next. It's just a matter of how soon." "No one is going to hurt you," Hermione said reassuringly. "Hogwarts is safe and secure."

Exposed!Hogwarts is so safe that Crabbe and Goyle managed to infiltrate the Yule Ball and abduct Hermione via a portkey a few years earlier. "I'm a seventh year. I graduate in June," she cried. "They'll come for me then and my only choice will be to join him or die." "Join who?" Harry asked, his voice showing concern.

Who the fuck do you think she´s talking about, Harry? It´s not like her family was killed by Salazar. "Slytherin! The bastard is back!" she screamed. "The ministry and the Daily Prophet are lying. He's returned just like Jamie said and he's determined to take over our world." "Doris, I give you my word that everything physically possible will be done to protect you," Harry said firmly. "I regret that it's too late to save your sister and parents." Harry got to his feet and walked over to Doris. "In a very short time the ministry will be contacting you. They will be giving you a very different account of the events that occurred today from what you and I know to be true. As hard as it may be, on the surface, you must appear to accept their explanation of events. If you argue and claim that Slytherin was responsible, they will perform a memory altering charm on you."

Oh well, even the Ministry is evuler than Voldemort now. Doris was bent over in her chair, her tear stained face hidden by her hands, but she nodded her understanding. "Doris, do you know what a Pensive is?" Harry asked. Again she nodded her head. "It's extremely important that you retain the truthful memory of what has occurred. Likewise, it is imperative that we learn all the pertinent details so that we can protect you and help others. At this time I feel that questioning you would be extremely stressful for you and cruel on my part. Would you be willing to place your memories of all events leading up to today's dreadful occurrence in a Pensive so that the Headmaster and I can visit those recollections?" Doris solemnly nodded her head as Severus stood and headed toward a locked cabinet. "I regret having to say this, but I don't trust our governing body and I prefer that you not be alone with any ministry officials," Harry commented. "Would you mind if Hermione stayed with you? "I don't want to be alone," Doris sniveled. "Is there anyone we should contact to help you make arrangements?" Hermione asked.

I know this is supposed to be a very dramatic scene, but damn, is the dialogue here stilted! "I have no close relatives," Doris sighed. "Do you think Jamie would be willing to help?" "I'm most sure she would, so we have more converts in our naturist cult" Hermione answered. "If you feel up to it, I believe the Headmaster is ready to show you how to use the Pensive.

* * * * *

Cut for Harry and Snape preparing to enter the pensieve.

Also, several sections of their pensieve trip will remain unsporked.

The two men leaned over the shallow stone basin with its carvings of runes and other symbols; both seemed entranced by the basin's silvery contents. "Together then," Snape said, and he and Harry both reached out to touch the material in the basin. Why did this sound like something straight out of a Snarry fic? Snape's office gave a massive lurch Why did I first read this as "lunch"? and Harry and the headmaster were both thrown forward and pitched headfirst into the substance inside the basin. The professors found themselves standing in the Great Hall next to the Slytherin House table. It was breakfast and the owls were just arriving with the morning mail. Harry watched as an owl landed in front of Doris, nearly knocking over her cereal bowl. The girl hastened to detach a letter attached to the owl's leg and then gave the owl a treat, before it flew off. This is actually one of the few times we get descriptions of actions that actually seem natural. Doris for a moment stared tentatively at the envelope, and then opened it hurriedly. Harry and Severus quickly took positions behind Doris so that they could read the letter along with her.

Darling Doris, I wish it were possible for me to be with you today, instead of writing, because what I have to say is so difficult to put in a letter. Yet it is imperative that you be informed of the present situation as soon as possible. The past has come back to haunt your father and I once again. We were so young and foolish when we joined the ranks of the Dark Lord. At the time, his beliefs were similar to ours, but we had no idea the horrible lengths to which he was willing to go to achieve his goals. We both learned from our mistakes, but it seems they insist on haunting us. Theodore Nott just visited us. His father was a Death Eater, one of the worst. He took great pleasure in torturing and killing. His son seems to be following in his late father's footsteps.

I just had to check if Theodore is a canon character, and he indeed is, albeit a minor. It also seems that his father was also a rather minor caracter too. Nott informed us that our greatest fear is true. Salazar Slytherin has indeed been restored. Furthermore his goal, once he assembles a following, is to take charge of the wizarding world. Slytherin is offering a simple choice, accept him and live in eternal servitude or die. Being a pureblood will offer no protection against his wrath.

"See? He is worse than Voldemort!" Nott and others are approaching former Death Eaters and their grown children offering them the opportunity to serve Lord Slytherin. To accept is to commit to a lifetime of misery. To refuse is the same as signing your death warrant. Your father and I refused. They have already threatened your life and undoubtedly won't hesitate to hurt Hillary either. We must leave the country at once. I know this is upsetting, but we have little choice. Please keep this letter confidential and be prepared to depart school with little notice. I'm sorry! Love, Mother

Doris angrily crumbled up the letter and then without warning jumped to her feet. Harry and Severus needlessly scampered to get out of her way. "Do you think we should follow her?" Snape asked.

How else are they supposed to get the information they need? Exposed!Snape is a moron. "Yes," Harry replied. "The memory thread hasn't ended. I want to see her complete reaction." Harry and Severus hurried after Doris as she scurried out of the Great Hall, trying to conceal her tears. She literally ran down the corridor before entering a room on her right. "You're not proposing we follow her in there are you?" Snape asked, scandalized. He pointed nervously to a sign on the door that read 'GIRLS'."

Because even if the fate of both the Wizard World and the Muggle World is at stake, this is so important to respect. "I don't think she's going in there to relieve herself," Harry answered, walking through the door in a ghostlike fashion, an ashen-faced Severus following apprehensively. Doris performed a locking charm on the door and then checked all the stalls to be positive the room was empty. Once certain she was alone, she flung the letter with anger into a sink and then pointing her wand said, "Incendio!" The letter immediately burst into flames. Doris watched through watery eyes until nothing remained but ashes, then she turned the faucet on and washed the vestiges down the drain. She sank to the floor and burst into tears. As Harry looked to Severus, Doris' sobs died away. The lavatory was dissolving as though it were made of smoke; everything was fading; he could see his own body and Snape's - all else was swirling darkness.... Gradually another room appeared around them. Harry looked about him and saw five four-poster beds. Then he saw Doris sitting at a desk, apparently just finishing a letter. "Harry! We're in the seventh year Slytherin girls' dorm," Severus shouted. "We shouldn't be in here."

Yes, Severus, the privacy of the female students is more important than getting intel to stop Salazar Slytherin. The last word had just departed his lips when the door opened and a girl entered. She appeared to be wearing nothing but a towel. "Harry, we should leave immediately," Severus said anxiously. "This just isn't appropriate."

Severus, be glad she´s at least wearing a towel. This is Hogwarts Exposed, after all, so nothing is a given. "We will," Harry said, undecidedly. "It's important that we see what Doris wrote to her mother though. I'm fond of the girl; I want to trust her and help her. That letter is the key to just how far we can allow our faith in her to go." "Are you writing a book?" Marilyn asked. "You started that letter long before I began my shower."

I don´t think we ever got an introduction to Marilyn, yet thats the name of the girl who just got out of the shower.

Not to mention, I don´t think we ever actually meet Marilyn again once this scene is over.

So her not!introduction was completely pointless.

Also, I´m gonna imagine her like this:

"It's not that the letter is that long," Doris answered. "I just have to be careful how I word things." "Oh! A 'dear John' letter," Marilyn wrongly guessed. "If he's good looking, send my picture along. I'm in between boyfriends at the moment."

Because boys is all girls think about in the world of Hogwarts Exposed. Severus turned toward Marilyn, shaking his head at her comment. Snape, you´re not any better in this saga. She picked just that moment to discard her towel. This is Hogwarts Expose, after all. He quickly turned his head away, but not before seeing more than a Headmaster should.

Of course. "Harry! Please! We shouldn't be here," Severus implored. "I'll never be able to look at Miss Monroe again without feeling guilty and immoral."

B O N K

Also, there is a Slytherin student literally called Marilyn Monroe in this fic. Seriously? "I know," he agreed, "but you have to read this before we leave."

Dear Mum and Dad, "Before I say anything else, it's imperative that you know one thing. I love you both. I always have and I always will. Nothing could ever change that.

Does this sound like something a teenager in the mid-2000s would write? As far as making mistakes and doing stupid things goes, I can most certainly relate to that. I wasted six years at Hogwarts avoiding and shunning anyone that was not a pureblood. Only within the last year were my eyes opened to the fact that it is the person that is important, not their lineage.

So, this has been said earlier in the two first fics, but damn, the whole portayal of Neo Slytherin is really inconsistent.

On one hand, it is stated that they want to leave their previous association with Voldemort and the Death Eaters behind, yet then they let people like Dick the Dick run rather bizarre initiation ceremonies.

And then we have Doris, who was never portrayed in any negative light, portrayed as "I avoided people wo were not pureblood", despite not having had any indication of this before this chapter. I love you; I don't want anything to happen to either of you or to Hillary. You guys are my world, but I'm not running away with you. Leaving would be the easy choice, but staying and fighting for what I believe is the right choice. I'm not going to be someone's slave and I'm not going to stand by and watch good people be killed. I'm staying and I'm fighting. If I die, which I probably will, I'll die fighting alongside my friends for a better world, a world free of hatred and bigotry. I want my sister to come to a different Hogwarts, a united Hogwarts, and a Hogwarts where petty house bitterness no longer exists. I pray that by the time she is a first year, the threat of Slytherin will have been eliminated and that we can all be a family once again. I love you! Doris

As the image of Doris faded, Harry felt himself rising into the air, Severus at his side. Soon all was blackness, and then he felt as though he were doing a slow-motion somersault, finally landing flat on his feet back in Snape's sunlit office. Severus Snape was standing beside him, a perplexed look on his face. "You don't think Slytherin will approach you in regards to supporting him, do you?" Harry asked. Concern was evident on his face. "I seriously doubt that," Severus said, forcing a weak smile. "Slytherin seems to be mainly attracted to past supporters of Voldemort and their descendants. I seriously doubt that he'd want a retired old spy, who was instrumental in bringing about Voldemort's final defeat, as a member of his legion."

I love how we never actually hear how Snape helped to bring down Voldemort in this fic, and no, I´m not going to read the fanfic he took his defeat of Voldemort from. Harry studied the headmaster's expression momentarily. "Then your chief concern is that he might try to draft some seventh years that are about to graduate, especially those with ties to former death eaters."

What do you think?

At first Harry just stared at Snape. The staff? Then his brain finally shifted into gear. "Draco!"

Dun dun duuuuun.

Cut for a boring scene with Emily and Kim where they discuss the fact that Emily is going to the Yule Ball with a pedofile.

I will leave this section here though:

"Don't you consider that double standards?" Emily asked. "You were just defending and feeling sorry for Tyler because I gave him a douse of 'blue balls', but if Roger gets a stiffy looking at me, he's a pervert."

Oh G-d, Emily, do you know how dumb this sounds? And yes, he is a pervert - just like the Suethor.

"No, he's not a pervert if he gets slightly aroused looking at you," Kim clarified. "He's human and you're attractively appealing. He's only a pervert if he keeps looking and takes actions on his desires."

I can hear Neil trying to use Kim as a mouthpiece to make himself feel better.

"In that case you are prejudging him," Emily affirmed. "Roger has never touched me or even said anything out of line. Yet. He's always been a perfect gentleman around me. You should read his response to me. He was absolutely thrilled that I asked him. Of course he was. Roger is so happy in fact, that he offered to buy me a dress for the occasion; not just any dress, but an original from the House of Gayee in Paris. Yes. "House of Gayee" is a thing here that is supposed to be taken serious, and just when you thought it was one thing that they created the skimpy stripper outfits for the teams for the games, yes, they also make skimpy ball dresses! I had to send them a whole bunch of measurement since I can't go for a fitting. He even wanted my shoe size."

This is creepy.

"Maybe, I'm judging him wrong," Kim admitted. "Originals from a Paris fashion house can be very pricey; he must genuinely like you. It was wrong of me to prejudge and categorize him." Kim thought for a while. "I can't remember where, but I think I've heard of the House of Gayee."

Kim, they´re the ones who made the skimpy outfits you have to wear for the games, and no, just because he spends a fortune on gifts for her doesnt make him any less of a pervert.

Cut for a boring scene of Ron and Sam where Ron angsts about Ginnys pregnancy.

We then cut to Hermione and Harry in bed:

It was never planned, but Harry and Hermione had drifted into a regular routine. They went to bed early each evening so that they could cuddle in each other's arms as they updated each other on the events of the day. Then before going to sleep they would always make love. B O N K It had become so much a part of their lives that now neither could envision being able to sleep without first giving pleasure to the other. Tonight might be an exception.

Oh no!

"How did it go this afternoon?" Harry asked. "Did you get all the interment arrangements made?"

"Yes," Hermione answered sadly. "It was tough on all of us. Obviously for Doris, but it also brought back depressing memories for both Jamie and I. I dread the actual burials."

"What about her sister's remains?" Harry inquired. "Has a decision been reached on how best to give her a proper burial?"

Hermione nodded her head, and then closed her eyes. She rubbed her forehead as if in pain. "Hillary should be buried in the family plot next to her parents," Hermione said, sadly. "But since the ministry is feigning that she has been kidnapped, that's impossible. Severus has suggested that she be buried initially in the Hogwarts cemetery and later, when appropriate, be moved."

Ah yeah, the cemetery for the victims of the final battle from the fic Neil stole from.

Hermione started to cry. "Doris wants to see the .... Oh! Harry! She wants to see the head before we bury it. She says that she has to know it's really Hillary and not just a twig."

Well...she has to be sure.

"I wouldn't be willing to take anyone else's word either," Harry, said glumly. "Maybe she should see first hand the horrors that Slytherin and his henchmen are capable of committing."

I think she pretty much already knows.

"Harry, she's just a young girl," Hermione begged.

"Not anymore," Harry disagreed. "Slytherin has taken away what remained of her youth. I'm afraid that before this war ends many children will be robbed of their youth. I'm going to recommend that Doris be accepted into the Order of the Phoenix,"

Because, reasons.

"But she is so young and still in school," Hermione argued.

"Her sister was just a child. That didn't stop those bastards from killing her," Harry retorted. "Unlike the war with Voldemort, this war won't have a neutral ground; Slytherin has already made that clear. When asked, you either join him, thus entering enter a life of eternal servitude, or you die. The day Doris graduates, she's going to be given that choice."

"Isn't there something we can do to protect her?" Hermione asked.

"Very little!" Harry answered. "Once students leave the protection of Hogwarts, they are basically on their own. Doris won't be the only one facing this choice. At first, it may only be students whose parents once showed allegiance to Voldemort, but in time, as Slytherin's legions increase, I'm sure all graduating students will be approached."

"Sick, but ingenious," Hermione commented. "If the child joins, Slytherin has a foothold into getting the entire family. If the child refuses, he kills them, thereby giving the family a warning of what will happen if they don't submit to him."

This has also been stated by other sporkers, but needs to be said again:

Why would Salazar go with unwilling followers?

"Harry! He could win without a war ever actually taking place," Hermione said, trepidation evident in her voice.

This is stupid.

"Exactly!" Harry declared, a bitter taste lingering in his mouth. "Worse, the Ministry is actually helping him by hiding the truth from the public. The more atrocities they hide, the stronger he will become."

"Since all of Fudge's decrees were abolished, the Ministry has no say in what takes place at Hogwarts; perhaps the curriculum should be adjusted to better prepare the older students for the contingency," Hermione suggested.

"Severus and I discussed that earlier today," Harry enlightened Hermione. "We want to make changes in the program, but at the same time we don't want to train those that may one day be fighting against us. Remember how we anguished over who to allow in the D.A."

Ah yes, reminiscing about a fifth year where they simultaneously trained in secret while fearing Draco and co following them while simultaneously hanging out with him on the side.

See, this is why it makes no sense to base this both on canon AND fanfiction at the same time!

Hermione nodded her head. "Not all Slytherins are bad and not all Gryffindors are good. The same holds true for the other houses. How are you and Severus going to determine who is friend and who is foe?"

Certainly everyone disliking the Sues is evil.

"Unfortunately, we can't be one hundred percent sure," Harry said. "Even Dumbledore made mistakes; he allowed Peter Pettigrew to become a member of the Order. The plans are to increase defensive training for all students. If we are confident of a student's allegiance, for example Jamie and Alex, they will be offered membership in the Order."

Of course would Jamie Sue and her BoyToy be allowed.

Hermione seemed slightly relieved. "I take it then that you are only considering select seventh years for induction into the Order?"

"For the most part," Harry agreed, "but exceptions will be made. Caitlin and Emily should be allowed to join. After all, they're part of the Prophecy."

Of course the younger Sues would be allowed too.

"My god, Harry! Have you lost all priority?" Hermione cried. "They're just little girls."

I´m surprised that Hermione reacts this way tbh.

"Little girls, I might remind you, who have already suffered once in the clutches of evil. I refuse to treat them the way Dumbledore treated me. I will not keep them in the dark for years like he did me. If we are to defeat Slytherin, it will only be with their help. They deserve to be familiar with what actions the Order of the Phoenix is taking."

You know, the way Harry talks of Dumbledore here really borders on the stereotypical "Evil Dumbledore" plot found in several fanfictions of that era.

"What about Draco and Ginny?" Hermione asked heatedly. "They're a part of the Prophecy and they're also adults. If you're so eager to add members to the order, why haven't they been asked to join?"

Harry's face turned somber. "Severus and I are concerned that Draco might have already joined the other side," he answered dejectedly.

Considering how obvious that Exposed!Draco is a copy of Trilogy!Draco, it´s rather obvious he won´t join Slytherin.

Anyway, they then talk about talking to Draco about it, and then...

"Wait, I'll go with you," Harry called. "Let me take a moment to check the Marauders' Map. We don't want to barge in on Draco and Ginny doing anything kinky. Besides, don't you think you should slip some clothing on before going any place?"

Exposed!Hogwarts, everybody!

Hermione blushed, but instead of immediately grabbing her robes This is a very important detail! she followed Harry to check the map.

"How close are the dots?" Hermione asked.

"Not close at all," he answered. "Ginny is in their quarters, but Draco appears to be at the top of the Astronomy Tower."

"The Astronomy tower?" Hermione repeated questioningly. "Draco's never had any interest in the stars, besides it's still raining."

I love how they immediately assume it´s for something evil.

Harry looked at the map, a horrified expression on his face. "Draco's dot just moved from the middle of the tower to the extreme edge. You don't think he could possibly be considering jumping, do you?"

Harry looked up, waiting for Hermione's answer, but all he saw was her bare arse streaking out the door of their quarters.

Yes. This is what happens in Hogwarts Exposed.

End of chapter fourteen

Finally, this chapter is over. I dreaded doing this chapter for a long time because how boring it is and the whole pensieve thing is the only noteworthy in it, but at some point, the sporking had to resume.

Anyway, that´s all for today.

Strange to think it´s already 10 years since the first time I read the sporkings.

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 10: Twists and Turns

Welcome back, yet again. It´s already been several months since the last time I sporked this fic, and today was th only day I really had time to do the spork.

Despite the title of the chapter being "Twists and Turns", this truly is a very boring chapter.

Let´s get in.

Monday, September 5, 2005

What a difference a year makes, Emily thought to herself as she watched Kim sleeping contentedly. When they first met, Kim was the shyest, most worried first year you could ever imagine. I honestly love how this has to repeated again and again, instead of actually being shown her character developement. Her anxiety was only amplified when her dorm-mates mistakenly jumped to the conclusion that she was a nudist and she ended up having to live the lie.

Why are we told things we already know?

Back then, Kim couldn't wait to close her bed hangings in order to hide her embarrassment at being naked. Now her hangings were wide open and Kim was sleeping coverless, her loveliness completely exposed. One might even say Overexposed!

Cut for boring talks and yet another argument with Janice and Denise - who are the same person essentially - who call Kim and Emily Queer.

"We're not done yet," Emily said, smirking. "Remember, I promised to soap you up."

Oh no -_- "I don't think we should do that," Kim said, suddenly sounding quite serious. "I'm afraid I might like it." Before Emily could respond, Marta considering that her name is spelled "Marta" instead of the typical english spelling "Martha", does that mean that she´s hungarian? entered the room. At first she just stared at them, without speaking. "You guys really do love each other, don't you?" she asked, seeming very impressed. "But not in the way you tried to make Denise and Janice believe." "We're not gay if that's what you mean," Kim admitted, "but I'd do anything for Emily. Other than my Mum, I've never loved a person so much."

At this point it´s not entirely clear if she´s referring to her late biological mother or Hermione, as Jamie and Emilys parents have more or less become forgotten after the end of Too Exposed. "I love her as much as I do Jamie and Caitlin. She's my sister," Emily avowed. Marta studied them both cautiously as if she had something significant to share, but was extremely tentative. "Kim, did you mean what you said? Do you really not let sexual orientation affect how you feel about people? How about you, Emily? Do you think people who are gay are weird?"

I think this is just again a good place to remind people that Neil feels creeped out by gay men, but seems to go with the "girl on girl is hot" trope that´s become increasingly frawned upon since then.

And keep in mind these girls are around 12-14, which makes it even creepier. Emily wavered, not certain just how much private information about herself she wanted to reveal to Marta with her answer. "I treat people the way they treat me," she said. "Their sexual preferences are their own business." She faltered before adding, "It's not right for me to judge other people, when I can't even completely figure myself out. I'm only twelve, but I'm pretty sure I'm heterosexual." She took a deep breath. "But there is a good chance I might be bisexual." "Why are you asking all these questions?" Kim asked. "Because it's hard to always be hiding your true feelings. It would be nice to have someone you could trust; someone you could let your guard down in front of." It was Marta's turn to take a deep breath. "Becky and I are a couple," she said quickly and then waited for a response.

Dun dunn duuuunnnnnnnn "How long have you been together?" was the first question out of Kim's mouth. "We've known each other since we were five," Marta answered, "but we've only been doing things to each other since we were ten."

"....doing thigs to each other since we were ten"

NEIL YOU SICKO "Ten?" Emily repeated in amazement. "You both knew you were gay at ten?" "Not for sure. We just knew we liked to touch each other and be touched. It wasn't until we met you two that we were sure we were homosexuals," Marta explained.

Does this sound like something a 12 year old would say? "What did we have to do with it?" Kim asked. Marta face turned a bright red. "Well, to be perfectly honest, the two of you running around in the buff all the time got both Becky and I rather keyed up." Emily and Kim exchanged nervous looks. "Don't worry, neither of us ever considered approaching either of you. We had each other to satisfy our wants. FUCK YOU NEIL FUCK YOU Besides, you both had us somewhat confused as to whether you liked boys or girls or both." "Do we still get you excited?" Kim asked uncertainly. "You both have attractive bodies, and Becky and I admittedly enjoy looking at you; similar to how someone looks at sexy pictures in a magazine." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THIS IS SO WRONG FUCK YOU NEIL Marta paused. "I'm only confiding all this to you because we're tired of hiding our feelings. We want to be open about how we feel about each other, but we'd like to know that at least you two supported us." "You both supported us last year," Emily said, without faltering. "I'll be there for you." "That goes for me too," Kim said. "But...." "You want to know how we can be sure about our feelings and choices," Marta said, as if reading Kim's mind. "We can't be absolutely positive. The two of us only know how we feel when we're together and neither of us wants that feeling to ever end." "I envy you both," Emily sighed. "I hope you both still feel the same about each other a hundred years from now." "I hope you and Kim both still share the marvelous friendship you have," Marta said sincerely. "I also hope that knowing about Becky and I won't make you self-conscious in front of us." "Not in the least," Emily replied. "I can't think of any circumstances in which I'd prefer to be clothed rather than nude."

Because the token lesbian couple can´t possibly com out as a couple on their own without the help of the Sues.

* * * * *

When Emily and Kim returned to the dorm after completing their showers, they found Becky and Marta both sitting on Becky's bed talking conspiratorially. The four girls exchanged knowing smiles as Kim and Emily dressed for breakfast.

Getting dressed must be torture for them. "Did I miss a lot on Thursday and Friday?" Emily asked concernedly. "Not really," Kim said. "It was mostly review of stuff we learned last year. Today should be interesting though. This morning we have our first 'Anatomy of the Sexes' class with Professor Weasley, and then this afternoon Professor Longbottom is going to have us transplant Mandrakes in Herbology."

The "Anatomy of the Sexes" part is going to lead to one of the most infamous scenes from this fic.

Wait, you thought it was over once the long awaited freudian "Hooch gets impaled by a Unicorn" scene?

Think again. "Which one of the Weasleys do we have, the male or the female?" Emily asked. "The one with boobs," -____- Kim answered. "She is teaching first and second years." "Somehow I doubt we'll learn anything in that class," Emily said assuredly. "I just can't picture Professor Weasley discussing sex frankly with a room full of twelve year olds, and the textbook looks like it is out of the Dark Ages." "I think she'll be much better than her brother," Kim answered. "He's teaching the third and fourth years."

Because even Kim needs to join in on the Ron bashing that´s so prevalent in this Saga. "You guys about ready?" Becky asked, giving Kim and Emily a smile. "As soon as I slip on my skirt," Emily said, adjusting her mini. "I can't believe you two tarts," Denise said with revulsion. "OMG you guys are so scary!" said Britney "It's bad enough neither of you ever wear bras, but how can you parade around in such short skirts without knickers?" Neither girl verbally answered Denise. Emily did, however, bend over while lifting her skirt to moon Denise and Janice and showed them her middle finger. As they neared the door to their dorm room, Becky and Marta exchanged nervous glances before reaching out and clutching each other's hand tightly. "What do you say?" Emily asked, giving Kim a devilish smile. "Should we give the school something to really talk about?" "That depends on what you have in mind," Kim answered coyly. "I have no problem with you holding my hand, but I'll scream if you grab my butt in public."

The latter is something that is rather in character for Emily. "Would I do that?" Emily asked, starting to slip her hand under Kim's skirt. Kim slapped her hand away. "You're worse than Randy."

Randy, who gets more and more forgotten as this fic goes along.

Speaking of Randy, his character is so pointless and with no characterisation whatsoever that I can´t help but imagine him to look like the NPC meme.

(couldnt find a gif of the meme, but this one extols the same energy) "Speaking of Randy, how are the two of you getting along?" Emily asked. "Have you heard anything from Brian?"

Isnt it interesting that Kim falls in love with an American the summer before Hogwarts is having a big event competing with a magical school from the US?

"Now what's going on?" Harry said, looking dumbfounded, as he realised he had been transported into a bizarro fanfic where he for years acted out of character surrounded by Mary Sues! Becky and Marta entered the Great Hall followed closely by Kim and Emily, both couples holding hands.

Oh, the horror!

"I'm not sure I want to know," Hermione said shaking her head in consternation.

"You don't think they're, what do they call it, coming out of the closet... do you?" Harry asked.

"I don't know," Hermione answered, looking rather bewildered. "It would seem to me that twelve would be rather young to be sure of one's sexual penchant. Although I did notice what seemed to be a definite magnetism between Marta and Becky last year."

Which is something she only talks about now.

"Neither of them is my daughter," Harry said, alarm evident in his voice. "What about Emily and Kim? I thought they both were fond of boys."

Cut for a lengthy section of Becky and Martas big coming out along with big praise for the Sues that goes on forever.

Emily gave Kim an angry look, but before she could reply, there was a rushing sound overhead and her attention was drawn to the arrival of a hundred or so owls. The owls circled the hall, dumping letters and packages into the chattering crowd.

This is apparently a big thing. Uncharacteristically, the hall suddenly became extremely quiet. Emily looked toward the head table expecting to see the Headmaster standing ready to speak, but instead she saw what had caused everyone in the room to become hushed. There was a large screech owl circling the head table. That was not unusual because the staff received mail regularly. What had gotten everyone's attention was the red envelope clutched in the owl's beak. "One of the Professors is getting a Howler," Caitlin whispered to her sister.

MUH G00000D

I've never seen that before in my seven years," Jamie said aghast. "Who would be so disrespectful as to send a professor a howler when they are surrounded by students?"

Ah, the Purity Sue in Jamie speaks again. It´s been a while. "I wonder who it's for?" Caitlin asked, but the words had barely escaped her lips, when the owl came to rest next to the Headmaster and politely offered the letter to him.

Well, at least the owl is polite. Katie and Severus exchanged edgy looks and then Katie did something she had never done before in public. She placed her hand reassuringly on top of Severus', reciting the Blessing of Aharon. "You better open it," she said in an apprehensive whisper. "They only get worse the longer you delay. Best you get it over with." "Who would be so juvenile and discourteous as to send the Headmaster a Howler?" Hermione asked disgustedly. "And at breakfast, of all times." "I would be willing to venture a guess," Harry said, a bad taste residing in his mouth, but it looks like we're all about to find out."

The way it is written makes it look like it´s something Harry said in all one sentence. Severus stretched out his hand, relieved the envelop from the owl's beak, and slit it open. For a moment it seemed like the envelope had exploded; a roar of sound filled the Great Hall.

"--JUST WHO THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? --"

Percy Weasley's voice roared, a hundred times louder than normal. The students stared at the head table, as the bellowing voice echoed off the stonewalls of the hall,

"THE STORY THAT APPEARED IN THE DAILY PROPHET DID SO WITH MY APPROVAL. I PERSONALLY VERIFIED ALL THE DETAILS. HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE GALL TO SUGGEST THAT I, THE MINISTER OF MAGIC, WOULD APPROVE A STORY THAT WAS NOT FULLY FACTUAL? "WHEN I ATTENDED HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY, I CONSIDERED YOU TO BE A PROFESSIONAL, COMPETENT TEACHER. IT IS REGRETFUL THAT YOU HAVE FALLEN VICTIM TO THE LIES OF HARRY POTTER AND HIS MISGUIDED LEGION. "I AM NOT A SPITEFUL OR VENGEFUL MAN AND UNDERSTAND THAT EVEN THE BEST OF US OCCASIONALLY FALTER. SHOULD YOU, HOWEVER, CONTINUE TO MISLEAD THE STUDENTS OF HOGWARTS, IT WILL BE MY SAD DUTY TO SEEK YOUR DISMISSAL AS HEADMASTER. Sincerely, Percy Weasley Minister of Magic

Oh well. Again, how am I supposed to take him serious as an antagonist?

Snape calmly rose to his feet as the letter burst into flames. "It is at times like these that people, even students as young as yourselves, are required to make choices, tough choices. I propose that you make your future decisions based on past history. When Lord Voldemort returned in the nineteen-nineties and sought to once again rule our world, Harry Potter and former Headmaster Albus Dumbledore attempted to warn the wizarding world. The Ministry and The Daily Prophet disparaged them both. Fortunately, we learned before it was too late who was giving us truthful information. We should learn from history where to place our trust."

This whole plot recycling after the release of the fifth book makes it all seem so forced and ridicculous.

And keep in mind, all the things from the fifth year onward from both the fics he stole it from are still canon inside this fic together with actual canon! Without further comment Snape took his seat. At first, the Great Hall remained quiet. Then as the students rose to their feet in order to head for their first class of the day, the talk became incessant.

* * * * *

"What if he has you removed as Headmaster?" Katie asked concernedly. "Where will you go? What will you do?" She grasped Severus' hand. "What will become of us?"

Remember:

Snape and Katie Bell are an actual couple in this fic now.

And no, his infatuation with his former students are never called out on.

"The Ministry has absolutely no authority when it comes to running Hogwarts," Severus said confidently. "Albus Dumbledore took care of that after all the difficulty with Fudge and that vicious Umbridge woman. Only the school Board of Governors can remove the Headmaster and that takes a two-thirds majority."

Umbridge, who now officially is part of the canon and hasnt been mentioned until this very point.

The most fun part about is that this fic is getting it´s own form of Umbridge in the next chapter. Just not as well written.

"But what if he goes to the Board and they agree to remove you?" Katie asked, not convinced that Severus' job was secure.

"As long as I have the support of Harry, Hermione and Ron, I'm not concerned," Severus explained. "There are a lot of new, younger Board members now; they respect the Covenant and won't be easily bamboozled by someone like Percy Weasley. Besides, I doubt he'll even approach them. He won't want to take the chance of looking weak if they refused his request."

"No matter what happens, I'll be by your side," Katie declared.

"I knew I could count on that," Severus replied, with a smile.

And now, let´s get back to the most important stuff:

"You never answered my question this morning," Emily said, as she and Kim took seats next to each other for their first 'Anatomy of the Sexes' class. "Has Brian written you at all?"

Kim didn't answer, but instead glowed pink as she held up six fingers.

"He's written you six letters," Emily said excitedly. "You must have really made an impression on him."

"I like him, too," Kim said shyly. "If only he wasn't a Muggle. It makes things so complicated. Even posting him a letter is a pain."

FORESHADOWING

"When are you going to tell Randy?" Emily asked.

Randy who?

"I don't know what to do where he is concerned," Kim said concernedly. "He's really nice and I don't want to hurt him. He lost Caitlin to Matt and you to Tyler. If I break up with him, it will be a nasty blow to his ego. Besides, what are the odds of Brian and I ever even seeing each other again, let alone becoming a couple? He's in the United States and I'm here."

I don´t remember it ever actually being stated that Kim and Randy were an official couple.

"I understand where you are coming from," Emily said supportively, "but somehow it just seems wrong to leave Randy under the impression that he is the foremost guy in your life when you are writing Brian. How about Brian, does he know about Randy?"

"No," Kim said hanging her head. "I was afraid he'd stop writing if he knew I had a boyfriend."

This drama seems even more ridicculous when you realise what a non-entity so far, he was just "there", but never had any character arc or any other thing going on apart from being one of Caitlins simps.

The girls' conversation was brought to a halt by Ginny bringing the class to order.

"You won't be needing your wands in this class," she said with a smile. "We'll be talking about a different kind of magic; the magic of love, intimacy, conception and birth. Although we will be following the printed guidelines in your textbooks, I want you to feel free to ask questions at any time and I'll do my best to answer them. Since this is our first session together, I think we should get to know each other. Suppose you each stand and introduce yourself. Then ask me a question that has been on your mind. Who wants to start?"

The way she talks makes me think about that one American Dad episode where they had sex ed and Steve gets laughed at for a stupid question.

The students all exchanged glances, but no one raised their hand.

"I realize that you're all nervous," Professor Weasley said. "You probably aren't used to discussing sex in a mixed group. Thought was initially given to having separate classes for boys and girls, but the final decision was that you should be taught together. Would anyone like to venture a guess as to why it was decided it was best to instruct you as a mixed group?"

At first no one moved, but then a hand timidly rose. "Yes, Miss Thatcher. What do you think was the reason?"

"We'll all be having sex together, so we should learn about it together," Kim said softly.

This is so stupid.

"Hopefully not all at once," Ginny said, straight faced.

When the inference of what Ginny had said settled in, the class broke into laughter. Even Kim laughed at her slip.

"That would be called an orgy, and something we hopefully won't be discussing," Professor Weasley said with a laugh as she put her hand on Kim's shoulder. "We all know what you meant, but I appreciate you breaking the tension. We will also be discussing same-sex relationships, but for the moment, let's confine our discussion to heterosexual, or boy/girl relationships."

This delivery sounds so natural.

As the giggles subsided, Emily's hand went in the air.

Oh no.....

"Our first question," Ginny said, her voice sounding both pleased and edgy.

"Emily Zacherley-Potter," she said in introduction. "I've been a nudist all my life. That doesn't necessarily give me a heads up when it comes to knowledge about sex, but I probably have seen more naked people than anyone else in the room. I've noticed that some men have extremely large things. What happens if you fall in love with someone and it doesn't fit in your twat when you want to make love?"

FUCK YOU NEIL, FUCK YOU!

Cut, this goes on for so long.

The section ends with Kim announcing that she really loves observing penises.

Cut for a boring scene with Caitlin and Matt, who among other things discuss why Percy doesnt believe her testimony.

We then cut to Ginny and Draco:

"Red, have you ever thought about having kids?" Draco asked, ostensibly out of nowhere, as they headed for lunch.

Because in this Saga, that´s all women are made for.

Ginny stopped abruptly and gawked open mouthed at him. Draco normally avoided any words in conversation that started with letters in the middle of the alphabet such as L for love and M for marriage. So, of course, Ginny never expected to ever hear him utter the K word.

As in the K word in Afrikaans?

"Draco, I come from a large family. Naturally I've thought of having children; not as many as my Mum, of course, but I'd like at least two." Ginny quickly recovered as she kept in mind Draco's usual aversion of any discussion involving marriage. "But it's not something I desperately want," she lied. "I'm content teaching and having you as a lover."

Keep in mind that in this Saga, Mrs Weasley had even more children, as there were two sisters who got killed by Death Eaters shortly before Voldemorts defeat.

Come to think of it, they also haven´t been mentioned since the first fic.

"You like Timmy, don't you?" Draco asked.

"Of course I do," Ginny answered. Suddenly there was concern in her voice. "Draco, please tell me that you're not thinking of trying to take him away from Sam and Ron again."

Even Neil has gotten tired of that already ridicculous plot.

"No! I couldn't do that," Draco replied despondently. "Sam loves him too much. Besides, she's a great mother. Your git of a brother isn't half bad as a surrogate father either. Plus, they've both been first-rate by allowing me to play an ever-increasing part in Timmy's up bringing. I was more thinking of a kid I could be with from the moment he popped out of the oven."

"Have you given any thought as to how old you want to be when you conceive this progeny?" Ginny asked sheepishly.

"That's the tough part," Draco grumbled. "I don't want to wait until I'm an old fart that can't even straddle a broom anymore to teach his kid how to play Quidditch. Yet, I don't want to toss aside my wild youthful years and settle down with one woman too quickly. Maybe I'll be ready when I'm about twenty-five."

Cut for boring, it ends with Draco proposing to her - and this time Neil remembers that her full first name is Ginevra, not Virginia, as she was called in the first two fics.

We get another boring scene with Caitlin and Matt, in which the sudden character assasination Matt begins.

Matt is suddenly evil because he wants Caitlin to wear knickers so others can´t look up her skirt.

Caitlin is not very pleased with this, and thinks about an answer for later.

We then get back to the actual plot of the Saga:

"Can you remember the names of anymore of these Death Eaters?" Salazar Slytherin asked. "They sound like the type of people that would readily support me."

Goyle shook his head. "We were just ending our seventh year when He-Who-Must-Not-Be Named was defeated. Many of his followers were killed in battles preceding his demise."

Goyle saying this. Just look at that dialogue. Slytherin paced the room for a few moments in silence, before speaking again. "You will first personally contact all the living former Death Eaters. I want you to offer them the opportunity to unreservedly join me. They should provide us with a strong nucleus." "What if they refuse?" Crabbe asked anxiously. "That would be extremely unwise of them," Slytherin sighed. "I would certainly prefer if everyone that joined my cause did so of their own free will, but I'm not beyond offering incentives. People often change their minds when faced with the loss of something or someone they feel great affection for.

How considerate of him. "Then we will procure as much information as we can on deceased and imprisoned Death Eaters. Their progeny should be eager to avenge their parents. If not, I will offer them an enticement as well. Thanks to the new Minister of Magic, we should have a sizeable organization assembled before the wizard world is even aware of my reincarnation."

Remember all the talk about the resurrected Salazar Slytherin being way worse than Voldemort?

Look at the dialogue here.

* * * * * Jamie grabbed the books off her bed and hurried out of the seventh year girls' dormitory to join Alex and Amanda, who were already in the common room. As she was about to pass the third year dorm, the door opened and Caitlin slowly emerged.

The way this is written makes it sounds as if Caitlin appeared as a ghostly apparition. "What are you doing!?" Jamie asked, coming to an abrupt halt. "I'm about to give Matt an answer," Caitlin answered, trying to hold back her tears. "No you're not," Jamie barked. "At least not until I know the question." End of Chapter 10

Finally.

All the real stuff this fic is particularly famous for begins in the next chapter.