Crossroads

Just something, there´s not really something special here, I think. 32, half german half danish/norwegian living in Copenhagen. Jewish (by choice). Loves reading, painting, reviewing movies...(and bad fanfiction)

[my-little-world-of-sunlight]

Guess where my horse slept last night

[maelwife]

I love jaywalking with another pedestrian lol we’re unionized

[yoramkelmer]

Midway thoughts on Hogwarts Exposed, part 2

Last year, after I had reached the middle of Hogwarts Too Exposed, I wrote my first part of my midway thoughts on the Saga. 

I thought it was time for a new part of that, though I won´t discuss some of the character-stuff that I hinted at the last time. Though there are some characters I will discuss. 

Now, that I am around the last chapters, and a whole year has passed since then, I will start with some things that easily could have been a good plot - but since this is Hogwarts Exposed, all that is good is wasted. 

In one of the chapters surrounding the custody trial around Timmy, Hermione at one point looked to the audience and recognised Emma Wrong among them. If this was in the hands of a better writer who wasnt obsessing over nude young girls this could have gone in a direction like this:

Hermione wonders why the Minister of Magic of all people is sitting in the audience of a custody battle, and then later bit by bit realise that Emma Wrong is the Great One. 

The Great One, as I mentioned last time, is one of the worst written villains I have ever encountered. We have now reached the point where Emma Wrong mentions that her minions have commited terror attack throughout both the Wizard World and the Muggle World - and yet we never hear anything of that until around the end! 

The plot of a evil Minister of Magic is way more interesting than hearing Mary Sues talk about the wonders of nudism. Though that isn´t the only thing that destroys the plot - it´s that it seems as if Emma Wrong constantly seems like the parody of a Big Bad who was no idea what she is doing, and that she is a competent villain surrounded by idiots. Why would a intelligent bad guy surround himself with idiots? It makes no sense, except if it´s a parody. 

And now let´s talk about a different character:

Tony Marburger, the ´good´ Slytherin who is also Amanadas boyfriend who knocked her up. It´s already one thing that I find this entire pregnancy subplot extremely disgusting, but the second thing is that Tonys character sucks, and it´s not intentional. It´s just one of Neils manifestations of misogyny. Remember how he was the one who insisted on an abortion and instead of talking with reasonable adults (well, as far as “reasonable” in Hogwarts Exposed goes) like Harry or Hermione, instead looks up the most unsafe place for a secret abortion that ever is. He never actually gets reprimanded for this, not even by Amanda! Instead, he is treated - in a way - more as a victim than her, despite the fact that she was almost raped! 

It´s disgusting, but thank G-d the worst of that plot is over. The next step of the plot is Hermione attending a hearing on Amandas case in a trial where she faces more than one moustache twirling strawmen. 

But the most ridicculous thing about Tony?

Aside from the fact that we never really get to know more beyond “good Slytherin guy whose father is in the ministry and who is Amandas boyfried”, there is this:

After the end of Hogwarts Too Exposed, he completely disappears from the face of the Earth. 

I am not kidding - his name is not even mentioned in the next fic, and it´s also never established that Amanda and him broke up, or that he left Hogwarts, for whatever reason. He is not missed, though. Except that Amanda then hooks up with an actual pedofile. 

The other thing that never really get´s mentioned again are Jamie and Emilys dead parents - as if they never even existed. 

[a-tangled-mermaid]

Sigh. At least I have this.

[yoramkelmer]

Can we all agree that Saint Clara/קלרה הקדושה is the best Israeli movie ever made?

[yoramkelmer]

Angela Davis is a antisemite who insulted Soviet refuseniks as “enemies of Socialism”. And don’t forget when she insulted dissidents in the CSSR.

[yoramkelmer]

Tina Turner as Aunty Entity, 1985

[yoramkelmer]

Doppelgangland has to be one of the most goffic episodes of Buffy

Goth!Vampire!Willow was definately the highlight of season 3:

[yoramkelmer]

„The Power of Love“, Jennifer Rush, 1984

[motherfucker-somewhat-limited]

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 18: Second Chance

Welcome back, it´s been a few months since we last sporked here.

I hope to do this one in one shot.

When we last left off, we had Denise and Janice do an actual "Accio Nipple!" on Emily on the Yule Ball, and then Caitin jumped on to her so save her with her super speshul Sue Powers:

The music had stopped; everyone was staring in the direction of the destroyed door and the two young girls lying motionless on the floor. Students were looking at each other with expressions of dismay on their faces, shaking their heads in doubt. It had all happened so fast that many were questioning their friends as to exactly what had just occurred. All that anyone knew for sure was that Emily was laying in a pool of blood with her sister on top of her, both girls completely bare because that had to be mentioned again and motionless.

Cut for the typical "OMG what happened?!" talk.

"It all occurred so fast that I can't be sure of all the details, but it almost looked like she was being pulled across the room by her breasts," Becky said. "She was screaming in agony as she clutched her chest. It was like she was trying to prevent them from being literally torn off."

Marta nodded in agreement. "I didn't think breasts could be stretched out so far like that," Marta said, actually shivering as she recalled the dreadful sight.

Cut - Denise and Janice act all horrified (and fail, given how sarcastic they sound) along with the rest.

Draco then has an idea:

"No!" shouted Draco. "Stay where you are. No one is to leave this room." He took out his wand and pointed it in turn to every exit. The doors slammed closed and locked. "Everyone to the other side of the Hall; either be seated or stand against the wall.

"Ginny, quickly, go alert the Headmaster as to what has occurred."

"But the students, Draco," Ginny begged. "They shouldn't be here. They shouldn't be seeing this."

"Ginny, one of them did this," Draco declared. "If they are allowed to leave this room we may never know who. Their wands all need to be checked for the last spell cast."

I have no idea why Neil wanted Draco to be the one with the idea.

"I've sent Jamie Zacherley to get Potter's magical map of the castle, so that we can round up any stragglers that might have departed the dance early." Why on Earth it´s not Potter himself doing it is a mystery, I guess the Main Sue just needed another moment to shine. And why is he calling it "Potters magical map"? As if this were her cue, Jamie burst breathlessly SUE SUE SUE into the room clutching the already activated Marauder's Map.

"Headmaster, there appear to be no missing students," Jamie declared, handing the map to Professor Snape. "The castle and grounds are totally empty. Everyone is here in the Great Hall."

Including Dobby!

Snape quickly perused the map in order to confirm Jamie's observations. "Excellent," he said returning the map to Jamie. He then turned to the students who immediately quieted.

"If you do not have your wand on your person, please step forward," he ordered. Slowly, nervously a number of students formed a small group before him.

Anyway, they check all the wands of the students, but Denise and Janice already took care:

Disappointment was etched on Jamie's face as it became evident that the scouring charm, Scourgify, was the last spell performed by both wands. As Denise and Janice scurried from the Hall, Jamie stared at the headmaster in disbelief.

"Jamie, don't look at me like that," Snape sighed. "I know what you're thinking and while I agree with your conclusions, I can't suspend students based on such flimsy circumstantial evidence."

"But Sir, their story just doesn't make sense," Jamie insisted. "Why would they go to the bathroom and remove all their makeup, the dance wasn't even over yet?"

If Snape was in character he would most likely use that potion he had made to get the truth out of them.

"I agree," Snape said in an understanding manner. "It would seem more likely that they were removing the dust and dirt from the explosion, but all the ghost images show are two sparkling clean students. Cleanliness in itself is no crime."

Jamie shook her head in frustration. The Headmaster was correct; there was no evidence to corroborate their suspicions, yet they both knew whom the perpetrators were.

Again, why not use that potion?

Cut for a sugary scene of Caitlin and Emily waking up at the hospital wing.

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

"You have visitors. Would you like my help to put on a dressing gown?" Madam Pomfrey asked.

Are you serious? Have you forgotten what fic you´re in?

Emily simply smiled at her.

"I'll take that as a no." Poppy grinned and just shook her head. She would never get used to the Potter girls and their complete lack of modesty. But because Neil removed her spine she is not gong to do anything about it. "I'm going to run down to the greenhouse while your company is here. When I return, we'll apply some more healing balm to your chest."

That sounds so wrong.

Emily scowled slightly. She'd rather if her Mum or one of her sisters were on hand to apply the potion. She liked Poppy, but it felt weird having the older woman rub her chest.

Because these things should only be done by young and beautiful Sues.

I hate this fic.

"How are you doing beautiful?" a voice echoed, bringing Emily back to reality.

Is this Link from My Inner Life?

"Roger! What are you doing here?" Emily asked excitedly. "Would you please come help lift me into a chair so that we can sit and talk?"

"Help you?" Roger said apprehensively. "Sure, but I thought there would be no permanent injury."

"Supposedly LOOK HOW BRITISH I AM there won't be, but at the moment my muscles seem to be on strike. I guess they still think I'm dead," Emily said with a laugh.

"That's not funny," Roger retorted worriedly. "You had us all extremely concerned."

"I'm sorry," Emily replied. "Roger, I thought you were going to help me into a chair."

Roger seemed to be uncertain how to proceed. "I can carry you to the chair, if you like. Perhaps I should wrap something around you first, it sort of looks like you might be topless?"

I hate this fic.

"Roger, there's something I have to tell you, but before I do, would you grant me a favor?" Emily asked. "Would you please kiss me? Not like a little girl, but like you would a grown woman."

EMILY YOU´RE LIKE 13, YOU´RE NOT A WOMAN!

I REALLY, REALLY HATE THIS FIC.

And I´ll cut the rest of the scene because it´s simply then just Emily breaking up with Roger (...who then goes on to date Amanda, who just had a baby of her own. Hello, unfortunate implications!).

Then Tyler shows up, and they´re a couple again, and then Emily pretends to be more physically hurt than she actually is so she can force him to carry her.

Also, then Harry and Hermione show up, and Emily then forces Harry to put that lotion on her chest - which he initially refuses, but then she gives him that "breasts are just a body part talk", and he obeys.

I hate this fic.

Friday, January 6, 2006

"Miss Zacherley, a moment, please," Professor Flitwick called, hastening to catch up to Jamie.

"How is your sister doing?" he asked concernedly.

"As good as new," Jamie answered happily. "Madam Pomfrey is going to discharge her today."

In this saga, sentences like this sound very wrong.

"Good, good. I was very anxious," Flitwick explained. "I almost felt that I was an accessory to the crime. After all, the culprit undoubtedly learned the Summoning Charm from me."

So "ACCIO NIPPLE!" is apparently a real charm after all.

"You mustn't feel that way Professor. I know Emily doesn't blame you in the least," Jamie exclaimed. "Who would think that anyone would ever use a Summoning Charm in such a vicious way?"

Jamie, you should know by now that some people are just evil. After all, how do you explain Emma Wrong?

And yes, she´s not going to be mentioned ever again for the rest of the saga.

"True, but perhaps I should have placed more emphasis on how dangerous it would be to use such a spell on an individual," he answered.

"I don't imagine it would have mattered," Jamie replied. "I don't believe that the individual that cast that charm had the slightest concern for my sister's well being."

See?

"You sound like you have a good idea who the wrongdoer might be," the Professor surmised.

"No solid proof, but yes, a very good idea, Professor."

"Then I suggest you keep a particularly watchful eye on both your sister and the probable perpetrator. A person with such blatant hatred is apt to strike again," Professor Flitwick said uneasily.

"Do you have a class to which you must be hurrying?" he asked.

"No," Jamie answered. "This is a free period for me."

Even that sentence sounds wrong here, especially coming from Jamie Sue.

"So it is for me." Flitwick said, smiling. "I was wondering, Miss Zacherley, if you'd have the time to follow me to my office. There is something of great importance I'd like to discuss with you."

Anyway, he gets her into his office to ask her about her plans after graduating Hogwarts.

"Not at all sir," Jamie said, and then she wavered briefly. She wasn't even sure herself what her plans were now. Alex and she had intended for so long to go into training together to be Aurors, but now she no longer felt well matched to the position.

"I'm not certain, Sir," she finally admitted. "I've always had this dream of becoming an Auror. At least I did until I was required to kill Madame Hooch. I'm not sure any more that I want an occupation where you fairly often find yourself in a kill or be killed position."

Well, Jamie Sue, at least you got to use your super speshul Unicorn Animagus Powers for something usefull!

"That is understandable," Flitwick said. "Killing is never easy, even when the casualty is a person of ill repute. You are undoubtedly the best student I have ever taught at Hogwarts. Even better than Hermione Granger MARY SUE DETECTED BEEP BEEP BEEP and that is saying something. Have you every considered working in the field of Charms?"

So yes, she is even better than Hermione Granger!

And yet Neil is surprised people called Jamie a Mary Sue.

"There are rather few opportunities other than teaching and I'm certainly not qualified to do that," Jamie answered. "Besides, even if I were, what learning institute would give a professor's job to someone just out of school themselves?"

For once the Main Sue actually gives a good question.

"A school that prides itself on hiring the most qualified person available for a job, regardless of their age or experience," Professor Flitwick stated unequivocally. "It is supposedly a secret that I intend to retire at the end of this school year, therefore I imagine every student in the school is aware of it. Am I correct?"

This is so stupid. Jamie didn't answer, she just nodded her head shyly. "Miss Zacherley, I am extremely proud of the Charms program that I have established at Hogwarts. I feel it is one of the best courses of study in the wizarding world," Flitwick declared. "I do not want to see it deteriorate at the hands of a substandard teacher. I've recommended my replacement to the Headmaster and he has agreed, pending her acceptance."

Who could it be? "I'm sure that anyone you would propose will do a superb job," Janie LOL said honestly. "Sir, the Hogwarts' rumor mill has it that you suggested a woman, but that she has other commitments. Would it be too forward of me to ask who you wanted to step into your shoes?" "I'm afraid my shoes are rather small," the little professor said with a laugh. "If I can talk you into accepting the position, I feel you'd be much better off wearing your own shoes." "Me!" Jamie's eyes at once filled with tears. I´ve said it once, I´ll say it again: It´s so stupid that each and every time the plot thickens, they all cry! It was all she could do to resist picking up the small professor and squeezing him tightly. G"d is this stupid. He had just presented her with an opportunity that even in her wildest imagination she had never dared to dream of happening.

Isnt it just uhmazing that she can get to teach without ever actually havig to study for the actual position? Suddenly her tears of joy turned to tears of distress. How could life throw her such a cruel choice? Was she to be forced to choose between a dream come true and the boy she loved more than life itself?

We still have no idea what the fuck is so special about the relationship she has with Alex.

* * * * * *

We then get another scene of the Caitlin and Evan show that goes nowhere. And they talk about how often Harry and Hermione have sex. This is not normal.

It ends with this:

"What about Emily and Jamie?" Evan asked. "Will it bother them that I'm dressed while they're still nude?"

Caitlin smiled. "Not in the least. It's all about being comfortable and right now I sense you'd feel much better with your clothes on."

LIES LIES LIES

Let´s return to the Framing Device of the sporking:

After Ebony had exploded Magichan, suddenly an ugly Abomination with a clown shirt and glasses appeared, with a yellow hedgehog abomination following his every move.

The Abomination looked at Ebony, then said "Oh my, are you the Boyfriend Free Girl I´ve been looking for all these years?"

The Abomination didnt seem that faced with the bloody remains of Magichan on the ground.

One of the people behind her then yelled "Watch out, that is the evil Chris-chan!"

Ebony then drew out her wand once again, and yelled "Crucio!"

Chris-chan screamed.

[yoramkelmer]

“Wings of Desire”, Jennifer Rush, 1989

[unclefather]

Reblog if you’re a true 90s kid and you remember this tumblr

[jlongbone]

🚨URGENT 🚨

[gosimpsonic-deactivated20190116]

[oneheadtoanother]

[get-thee-to-a-shrubbery]

sticking his finger fully into his hot coffee just to feel something

[chongoblog]

Trad man got the Tie Seatbelt and the Cue Ball Gear Shift That Doesn't Move

[notajerusalemcricket-deactivate]

[yoramkelmer]

Hogwarts Overexposed Chapter 17: Who Said Life Was Fair?

So, I just realised it´s actually been an entire year since the last time I sporked this fic. And yes, I have actually dreaded this, and you will soon see why.

I hope to finish it in one setting. And with that said, this chapters title is "Who said life was fair?", and to that I might add, I have literally never seen anyone say that life is fair.

Anyway, the last cliffhanger, at the "Spiders web", Dick the Dick got caught in the web, and is probably going to be the spiders next lunch.

Jamie had her wand out first and yelled, "ACCIO NIPPLE!" "Stupefy!" The spell hit the spider's gigantic, hairy black body, but had no effect. The spider ignored Jamie as should it deftly removed Dick from the web with its two front legs and then began quickly spinning the boy around and around,

a cocoon swiftly covering his body.

"Stupefy! Impedimenta! Stupefy!" Jamie yelled.

The others also cast spells at the spider, but they too had no effect. The spells did nothing more than aggravate the ugly beast. It was either too large or was being shielded by some sort of magical protection. This, btw, never comes up again. The monster began to place the bound boy's body in its mouth, but then hesitated. Harry, Severus and a number of others were running toward the corral, wands drawn.

The spider looked as if it were having second thoughts about consuming the student, and instead decided to go after the Sues. It seemed to gaze derisively at the approaching wizards, before unceremoniously spitting Dick out, the boy landing on the ground directly in front of his teammates.

"I wonder why the spider didn't eat Dick?" -_- Caitlin asked. Her voice sounded greatly relieved despite her dislike of the Slytherin boy.

"That's easy," Kim said. "The spider knew that if it ate Dick, your dad and the others would kill it. Not even that monster would want something as disgusting as Dick Bancroft for its last meal."

OMG LOOK HOW CLEVER KIM IS SHE´S SUCH A CLEVER SLYTHERIN OMG HOW WITTY

Despite the severity of the situation they had just experienced, Caitlin found herself unable to resist laughing at Kim's comment as they both hurried to help Dick from his bindings.

"OMG it´s so funny that one of our teammates was almost eaten by a giant spider, so funny!"

"See, I told you there was nothing to worry about," Rishard cried, sweat beading from his forehead. "It was all just part of the show. That spider was just giving us our full money's worth. He would never have actually hurt the boy."

Sure.

Personally, Harry doubted this very much. From his first hand experiences with Aragog's offspring, he knew them to be bloodthirsty monsters. As was clearly already stated in the last chapter. It was with grave trepidation that he returned to his seat, leaving the students in the corrals guarded by the hairy beasts. He wouldn't breathe easily until this task was complete and everyone was safely back in the castle.

Why don´t they just stop it already, considering that one of the contestants was almost EATEN?

As the others struggled to release Dick from his sticky encasement, Jamie bombarded him with her pent up sentiments. "Dick, I know you hate me and think that I'm an arrogant bitch, Well, he´s certainly right about that, you know! but I'd rather be a bitch than a stupid arse LOOK HOW BRITISH I AM any day. This is a team, or have you forgotten that?" she screamed. "We need to work together. So far all your chauvinistic How was it chauvinistic? It was stupid, sure (like everything else in this fic and saga as a whole), but chauvinistic? bravado has accomplished is losing us two holes and almost getting yourself killed. If you so much as move again without the team's agreement, I'll personally make you wish that spider had eaten you."

ALL HAIL TO THE MAIN SUE

Dick didn't retort; he didn't even give Jamie the satisfaction of looking in her direction.

Jamie looked nervously toward the American's enclosure. "The Americans already have two members through and are working on their third. Does anyone have any suggestions how we proceed?" Jamie asked.

Of course Neil forgot the first quotation mark. Again.

"I've been watching them," Lee Wilson offered. "They got their biggest, strongest player through first, and then a medium sized one. Now they seem to be passing one player through at a time."

"That makes sense," Jeffery said. "Leave the smallest for last."

"Problem is that the first and last players should go through the lowest and largest holes. We've lost both of those holes." Although he was tempted to add 'thanks to the stupidity of Dick', Lee resisted. "Actually we only have six large outer ring holes left. I doubt we can get anyone safely through any of the inner holes."

Cut for more discussion of holes.

Everyone concurred with this. Although Jeff wasn't fat, he was most certainly solid and by no classification a lightweight. In theory lifting and moving a person, like you would a log, sounded great. Unfortunately, people aren't solid and rigid they bend. This ability to bend has advantages and disadvantage. The cons seemed to be out weighing the pros as the team struggled to get proper grips on Jeff and pass him through. Once, they let him slip, but fortunately Donald prevented him from touching the web. Finally, Jeff was through and they could take a breath.

Cut for more holes.

But before they could attempt to lift Don off his feet, something distracting took place. Due to a combination of being aroused by holding a nude girl, FUCK YOU NEIL wearing a brief costume and assuming an extremely awkward position, Don's penis WHY G"D WHY had burst free. His attention was on the task at hand and he didn't seem to even realize his member was exposed. Lee quickly turned away; boys just don't look at other boy's cocks. Nora's hand was covering her mouth in shock, but she couldn't seem to look away. Caitlin and Jamie didn't stare at the organ, but rather exchanged questioning looks as to who would come to Don's aid.

This is Hogwarts Exposed after all.

Anyway, Caitlin decides to come to Don´s aid, and then there are more really creepy discussions around that, and then there is this:

"It wasn't easy, but somehow they created another miracle. Dick, of course, had found it necessary to grab Jamie's boobs FUCK YOU NEIL in order to get her through the web. This had hurt like hell, but Jamie didn't slap him or even scream at him. And she won´t do so afterwards. He hadn't had any other options and it had worked. Six were through, just two to go.

The reason I included this was because throughout the Saga, it´s rather obvious that Dick has the hots for Jamie - yet nothing ever comes of it.

Anyway, they´re almost done, but then:

But then she heard the clicking of approaching pinchers and knew exactly why. As if they were professional acrobats, Nora found the capability to climb on Caitlin's shoulders. They staggered toward the web and Nora lean toward the opening and into the waiting arms of Jamie. As Jamie pulled her forward, Nora felt Caitlin's hands slide off her ankles and the young girl scream out in terror.

Cut for a interlude between Salazar Slytherin and Nott discussing Dracos role as he has seemingly accepted Slytherin as his Lord and Saviour.

Back to the tournament, and I will leave a lot of this unsporked, and you will see why:

Nora had to look back. She had to know what had happened to Caitlin, but she was terrified to learn the truth.

If Nora was terrified, then words don't exist to describe how Caitlin felt. Well, then describe those feelings, or at least show them! As she had struggled to maintain her balance with Nora on her shoulders, the clicking sound had gotten increasingly louder. Suddenly she felt something long and hairy seize her around the legs and lift her off the ground. She was no longer supporting Nora, but rather holding on to her for dear life. Caitlin was parallel to the ground: the spider pulling her legs as she held firmly to Nora's ankles.

Caitlin realized that she had to let go. The spider was too strong. Holding on to Nora would only jeopardize her teammate's safety. "I´m selfless, dammit!" Caitlin felt like she was signing her own death warrant as she released her grip.

Head hanging facedown, Caitlin saw that the spider was clutching her with its two immensely long, hairy front legs. It appeared to be examining her as one would their lunch before taking the first juicy succulent bite.

She could see its open mouth below her and a pair of deadly shining black pincers. The spider actually seemed to be salivating as it anticipated chomping on the fresh tender Sue meat.

Caitlin could hear her teammates shouting as they hurled spell after spell at the huge spider, but to no avail. She was about to die a most horrible death with most of the wizard world looking on.

She had only one hope. Caitlin had never killed before. She abhorred hunting and those that referred to it as sport. She even avoided stepping on insects if she could. But now a spider was about to eat her alive. It was a 'kill or be killed' situation.

"Use your Mary Sue Powers wisely, my child!"

Caitlin closed her eyes and concentrated as the spider lowered her toward its open mouth. She fought her own fear, struggling to enter a trance state. She was seconds away from being bitten apart. Then her body relaxed as if she were asleep; a sleep she possibly would never wake from.

Stop threatening me with a good time!

Suddenly one of the monster spider's eight eyes exploded as if a bomb had gone off inside it and then another and another as if part of a fireworks demonstration. In a grand ending, the beast's head blew apart covering the ground and everything within fifty meters in blood.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So yes, Caitlin uses her special Sue Powers to make the spiders explode.

I just wonder again why she didnt do so with Madam Hooch, Emma Wrong or even resurrected!Salazar earlier.

But I guess Caitlin will now angst about having had to kill the giant spiders.

Jamie struggled to her feet and rushed through the ragged remnants of the web. Chunks of bloody flesh and bone lay everywhere; the ground was red with blood. Desperately she searched for Caitlin. Then she heard a faint moan. A wisp of blond hair was sticking out from under one of the monster spider's hairy legs.

"Caitlin! Are you all right?" Jamie screamed, just as Harry arrived on the scene, Hermione on his heels.

"I've been better," Caitlin gasped, as if having trouble breathing. "I didn't account for being dropped from that height or that hairy beast nearly falling on me. I hope Madam Pomfrey has a large supply of Skele-Gro on hand."

Harry levitated the spider's leg as Hermione placed Caitlin in stasis as a precaution prior to moving her. The team watched in silence, appreciating just how close Caitlin had come to dying.

"Appreciated?" Really?

Anyway, Evan tries to get to Caitlin, but is held away by Jamie.

"You did well," Eric said placing his arm around Rishard as they watched Caitlin being carried off on a stretcher. "I couldn't have scripted it better myself. Everyone will be talking about the tournament tomorrow and Caitlin Potter is now a mega star. Do you realize how rare a Hyperempath is that can heal with their mind only, never having to even touch the victim? But she can kill, too. She can actually wish someone to death. That power hasn't existed in the wizarding world for centuries."

Again, why didnt she use that earlier?

After all, she did it on those perverts in Fort Lauderdale at the beginning of the fic...

"You do realize how close she came to being lunch for that spider?" Rishard asked.

"It would have been a terrible loss," Eric agreed, "but can you imagine the ratings? You have a job ahead of you, Rishard. How are you going to make the second event even more exciting? You might actually need to kill or maim someone. I can't wait till February. Great job."

This is ridicculous.

Eric walked away sprightly as Rishard stood staring solemnly at the ground, shaking his head in anguish. Eric was indeed a monster and now he had become one, too.

This is the only time we ever see Rishard contemplating about this.

Cut for a boring scene of Emily, Jamie, Alex and Amanda discussing charms. It ends with this:

Emily removed the small piece of parchment from Hedwig and the snowy owl immediately took flight. Come to think of it, I think this is the only time Hedwig ever makes an appearance in the entire Saga. Well, Neil couldnt know that Hedwig would die in book seven, as I don´t think it came out yet; Emily read the note and then looked anxiously toward the castle. "I'll see you in the morning," Emily said, crinkling the note up and tossing it to the ground before running toward the castle entrance.

"I wonder what that was all about," Jamie said, her eyes following Emily until she disappeared through the castle entrance.

Amanda leaned over and picked up the parchment from the ground, and then she smoothed it out before reading the brief message. "I've no idea what she did," Amanda said, "but I think she's in trouble, again."

Again.

Amanda handed the note to Jamie who read it, Alex reading over her shoulder.

EMILY! WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING, BRING IT TO AN END AND REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO OUR QUARTERS. DAD

Oh well, what could this be about?

Well, Emily then arrives at the apartment, where we meet Emilys creepy 20-year old date for the Yule Ball again, Roger Fortescue.

Cut for a boring confrontation, but I´ll leave you this:

"She became a ray of sunshine on an otherwise gloomy day. I looked forward to her daily stops at the Shoppe and found myself depressed when she skipped a day. I lost sight of the difference between our ages and just saw her as a person that made my day. When she asked me to the Ball, I didn't hesitate a moment before saying yes. I even offered to buy her dress." He indicated the box lying on his lap.

"The dress was to be delivered directly to Emily, but the House of Gayee -_____- goofed and delivered it to me instead. I live with my parents and obviously they questioned the box."

Hermione stared at Roger, an astounded expression on her face. "You bought my daughter a dress from one of the most exclusive fashion houses in Paris for a school dance? It must have cost you a fortune."

"She's worth every cent," Roger said, without hesitation. "She's a special person; I envy the man she eventually marries."

Roger, you are a pedofile. And I guess this is Neil speakin through him here.

While Hermione seemed satisfied to reminisce about the past, Harry was more interested in the present and this twenty year old's intentions toward his young daughter.

"Have you ever thought about sleeping with my daughter?" Harry asked.

Hermione and Emily each reacted rather differently to these words. Hermione's eyes practically popped out of her head in shock while Emily's face turned scarlet. She'd never thought about her and Roger doing anything like that and trembled at the thought.

I don´t buy this for a second, considering how she is the most sex obsessed of them all.

Roger was about to answer when he remembered reading that Harry was skilled at Occlumency. The professor would easily be able to see through any lies. Roger had no choice, but to be honest and then deal with the repercussions. "Thinking about doing something and actually doing it are extremely different," Roger answered. "If men could be arrested for their thoughts, we'd undoubtedly all be residing in Azkaban guilty of rape."

Oh, shut up Neil, not everyone is a pervert like you!

"There is also Azkaban to consider," Harry added. "You'd be charged with rape."

Yes.

"I'd never go to prison," Yes, you would! Roger said assuredly, looking from Harry to Hermione and then back again. "One of you would end up there for killing me and then the other would die from heartbreak. I could never be the cause of that, no matter how great the temptation."

This is so stupid.

"I believe you," Harry said. "At first I was concerned that you might be a pedophile, but you're not. OH COME ON I don't think you'd ever harm our little girl." He bit his lip and then looked to Hermione for guidance. Hermione shrugged her shoulders and gave him an 'I don't know what to say' look.

Cut for a very, very long description of Emilys Yule Ball dress that goes absolutely nowhere and goes on forever.

Cut for a boring scene of Harry and Hermione in bed discussing Emilys House of Gayee dress - again.

Saturday, December 31, 2005, The Yule Ball

Yes, the Yule Ball is actually a New Years Ball.

Roger stood nervously outside the Potter's quarters. He was beginning to think he had made a mistake when he accepted Emily's invitation. Everything about the girl appealed to him; she was the perfect woman for him except for one slight problem. He was twenty years old and she was only twelve.

Yes, this is definately Neil speaking through him.

He had finally worked up the nerve to knock, when the door flew open. "Did you intend to knock or spend the entire night on our doorstep?" Caitlin asked.

Roger was at a loss for words. "How did you know I was here?" he finally asked.

"Did you forget who our parents are?" Caitlin asked. "They've installed all the latest magical devices to insure our privacy. We were alerted to your arrival."

"Oh!" Roger said, understandingly. It was just then that he truly looked at Caitlin. "Wow! You look beautiful."

"Thanks," she said blushing slightly. "Then you don't think it's too short? Dad's concerned I might give a show."

-_-

Roger took a second look at the dress. It definitely showed a lot of leg. He couldn't recall ever seeing a dress quite so short. "Your dad is right," he said. "You're going to have to be extremely careful how you move or your knickers will show."

Caitlin looked at Roger as if insulted by his remark. "I never wear knickers. I think they're revolting."

Thank you for reminding us of that.

Roger was saved commenting by a voice to his left. "Well, what do you think?" Kim asked. "Doesn't she look stunning?"

He turned in the direction of the voice and nearly fainted. It was as if Kim was invisible; he only saw Emily. "You're nude," Roger said, his voice shaking. "You can't be considering going to the Ball like that. Your parents will kill both of us."

"Don't be silly. I'm not nude," Emily said teasingly. "I have on the shoes and frilly socks you bought me, plus all the thin gold chains. Don't you like the way I look?"

I hate this fic.

Anyway, cut for a long boring filler to this sick shit:

"Who's that old guy with them?" Randy asked.

"That's Emily's date," Evan answered. "He's not that awfully old; Keep telling yourself that, Neil! only twenty. His name is Roger."

"Too old for her," Randy huffed. He grabbed Evan by the shoulder and started pulling him in the direction of the staircase. "Come over here and stand directly at the bottom of the stairs so you can get the full effect."

I hate this fic.

Evan didn't understand what Randy was talking about until he looked toward the upstairs hallway as Kim and Caitlin started descending the stairs. Quickly he turned his head away.

"What's the matter with you Squirt; why are you blushing?" Randy asked. "You've seen pussy before. You see Caitlin nude every night. Hell, as chummy as you two are, I bet you've even gotten to lick it."

FUCK YOU NEIL

"What? I'd never...." Evan stared at Randy with revulsion. "It's different when she's nude. It's wrong to look up a girl's skirt when she's dressed."

"Whatever!" Randy said, returning his gaze to the girls. "Holy shit! Look at the outfit Emily is wearing. That sure doesn't leave much to the imagination. She might as well be starkers."

"I'm sure all three of them would prefer to be nude," Evan barked. "You don't understand them at all, do you? They're naturists. They don't wear short dresses or go without knickers to be sexy or excite people. They do it because they hate clothes and are more comfortable that way."

I´ve said it once, I´ll say it again - Neil is obviously using this Evan-plot as a way of living out a childhood crush, and it´s so creepy.

And more cuts for more boring fawning over Emilys dress.

Anyway, the fic suddenly remembers that Denise and Janice are a thing again, after we havent heard from the obligatory Scary Sue Rivals in ages.

Denise stared at Emily with abhorrence as the young girl danced blissfully to the opening number with Roger. The huge fires had made the Great Hall exceedingly warm and for this reason some of the balcony doors had been opened to make the room more comfortable. "Comfortable" in the Hogwarts Exposed Saga usually means "getting naked". I´m actually surprised that it isnt the case in this scene. Occasionally a breeze teased at the back section of Emily's outfit causing it to blow almost like a curtain in the wind.

"Look at the little tart," Neil apparently thinks this is a common British curseword. Denise shrieked in Tyler's ear, nearly bursting his eardrum. "Her whole arse is practically on display and it doesn't seem to even trouble her."

"Yeah!" Was all Tyler said, but the inflection in his voice seemed to indicate more admiration than disdain.

"I can't believe her parents allowed her to wear that getup or bring someone that old to the Ball," Janice commented.

You know, I really do have to wonder this again - why are there even two of them? They´re exactly the same character!

Anyway, Emily ditches Roger to dance with Tyler, and Roger gets interested in Amanda. Who recently had a baby of her own. Hello, unfortunate implications!

Denise and Janice then decide to summon off Emilys boobs. I wish I was kidding.

Suddenly without warning, Emily's dress, both material and chains looked as if they just disappeared. It all came to pass so rapidly that Tyler didn't even see it skim across the floor and disappear under a door at the other end of the room.

"Accio Nipple!" Then before even Emily had a chance to react to the disappearance of her dress and her sudden nakedness, she found herself on her back sliding madly across the floor of the Great Hall, screaming in unbearable pain. It was as if someone standing behind her had tied invisible strings to the ends of her breasts and suddenly wrenched violently on those strings causing her to fall on hard on her back. I wasnt kidding. But she didn't even seem to touch the floor before her body began speeding across the room. The pain was excruciating; it felt like her breasts were being stretched like rubber bands and that her chest was about to be ripped apart.

I have no words.

Evan, Caitlin and Tyler were running frantically after her. Tyler and Caitlin had their wands out and were screaming Finite Incantatem; pointing first at Emily and then at the door she was speeding toward. Just as Emily's head was about to slam violently into the solid wood door, Tyler pointed his wand and yelled Reducto. The door was blasted to dust, filling the doorway with a cloud of thick black smoke. Emily's body for reasons unknown had come to a sudden halt, but the girl remained motionless. Caitlin reached the body first. Emily's chest was covered with deep gashes, oozing blood and a pool of the dark red liquid was starting to form beneath her.

Just call it blood. "No! No! You can't be dead! You can't!" Caitlin screamed. She literally ripped her dress off and flung her bare body on top of Emily's, wrapping her arms around her sister's bloody body and holding her tightly. "I love you! This isn't fair. You can't leave us." End of Chapter 17

Well, I love that this chapter ends on a happy note!

With that said, I find this Authors note at the end interesting:

As always, I would like to thank those of you who took the time to review. When the reviews stop, I'll know it's time to bring the series to an end.

So...does that mean that the reason the following fic "Hogwarts Underexposed" was abandoned mid way (....with absolutely nothing happening in it) was because the reviews stopped?