today i booked a drs appointment. i’m going to go see someone about my anxiety and ptsd and i’m going to work at getting better. just booking the appointment seems really daft to be something i’m proud of but it’s been a really long time coming.
tonight i played an open mic night. i messed up my first two songs but the next two were good. i enjoyed myself. i sang my songs. my original songs. and i want to do it again. so i’m proud of myself for that as well.
and i kind of have feelings. not big ones. but like. last january i got out of a quite horrible abusive relationship and since then i haven’t had any feelings. for anyone. no crushes, no butterflies, like. just nothing. and i felt like if anything i was getting worse, i was getting more closed off and more set inside myself. so just. just to have this little thing where i feel something for another human, is really nice. even if it’s a human who already happily has a human and nothing can happen, that’s almost a good thing. it makes it nice and safe for me to just feel these things, without having to overthink or act or worry. i feel like it’s given me hope again that like, i could meet someone and have feelings and maybe those feelings with turn into a nice thing. and that would be nice.
