SEPTEMBER 2024 HORRORSCOPES
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VIRGO:
YOUR SECRET GARDEN IS LOOKING A LITTLE NEGLECTED. THE BRICKS IN THE WALLS ARE COMING LOOSE AND THE NASTY COLONIAL IVY HAS TAKEN OVER THE ACANTHUS PATCH. THE CAST IRON TUB IN THE MIDDLE IS RUSTING OUT AND YOUR BIRD BATH IS RATHER DRY. IT SEEMS YOU HAVE NOT VISITED HER IN A VERY LONG TIME. WHAT HAS FADED FROM THE PALACE OF YOUR INTERNAL SOLITUDE, TO LET THIS PLACE WITHER? PERHAPS YOU HAVE DECIDED THAT PROPERTY IS THEFT!! OR MAYBE ITS JUST THAT A SECRET GARDEN IS A BIT TOO MUCH YARD WORK.
LIBRA: TEN YEARS AGO DID YOU KNOW THAT THE FINGERS YOU TRACED THE PATTERN OF KNOTTY WOOD WITH WOULD KEEP GROWING? NOT MUCH, SURE BUT MILLIMETER BY MILLIMETER THOSE FLESHY DEAD ENDS OF THE BODY WOULD THRUST EONICALLY OUT INTO THE AIR, DISPLACING MOLECULES AND GROWING YOU CLOSER TO ALL THAT YOU REACH FOR. THIS OCCURS WHETHER OR NOT WHAT YOU REACH FOR IS WORTH THE STRAIN OF CELL RENEWAL YOUR BODY FURIOUSLY PARTAKES.
SCORPIO: THE GIFT OF OPPOSITES LIVES IN YOU LIKE A FUN LITTLE JOKE AND YOU ARE ADEPT AT EXTERNALIZING IT. ONE THOUSAND PILLOWS DECORATE YOUR BED FOR VARIOUS FORMS OF JOINT SUPPORT WHILE YOU SLEEP UPON A STONE MATTRESS THAT YOU POURED YOURSELF OF CONCRETE THAT, IN ORDER TO COMBAT THE WORLD SAND SHORTAGE, YOU MANUFACTURED BY GRINDING DOWN GLASS BOTTLES AND OTHER REFUSE TO EXACTLY THE RIGHT SIZE GRIT FOR BOUTIQUE STONE-BED POURING. WOW. SAGITTARIUS AT SOME POINT WE ESTABLISHED NEW LINGUISTICS FOR GATHERINGS OF ANIMALS, A CONVENTION THAT PERHAPS BETRAYS OUR MYTHIC ATTACHMENTS: RAVENS AND LEMURS ARE “CONSPIRACIES” WHILE FROGS FORM AN ARMY AND A WRITHING MASS OF COCKROACHES CONSTITUTES AN INTRUSION. HUMAN GROUPS MAY HAVE QUAINTER AND BLANDER DESCRIPTIONS: “COMMUNITY” “ORGANIZATION” “PUNK HOUSE,” BUT UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, YOUR FELLOW HUMANS ARE LIKELY TO LABEL YOUR PARTICULAR GROUPING OF FREAKS A CONSPIRACY ANYWAY. CAPRICORN: ON A WALK IN THE FOREST YOU MAY BE TEMPTED TO NOTICE THINGS THIS FALL: THE TURNING OF SPICEBERRIES FROM GREEN TO RED, THE GLINT OF AN ORANGE MUSHROOM THAT MAKES DELIGHTFUL VEGAN TREATS, THE FEELING OF THE STONES IN YOUR SHOES AS THEY PRESS SHARP ON YOUR METATARSALS. DO AWAY WITH THIS SENSE OF PRESENCE!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO “FEEL” ONES “FEELINGS”!! NOW IS THE TIME FOR ACTIONS! WEAR PLATFORMS SO YOU CANNOT ACTIVELY FEEL THE GROUND THROUGH YOUR SHOES EVER!! LISTEN TO PODCASTS ALL THE TIME SO THE SOUNDS OF THE WORLD ONLY TRICKLE IN THROUGH A SOURCE OF CONSTANT ENTERTAINMENT!! LOSE YOURSELF A BIT BECAUSE NOTHING IS AS GOOD OR AS BAD AS IT SEEMS. AQUARIUS: THE PRESENCE OF PARTYGOERS ON THE STREET BEYOND YOU ALERTS YOU A SENSATION YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH AS AN URBAN DWELLER: SOME CALL IT SONDER BUT I FIND THAT WORD A BIT TOO TWEE: IT’S MORE LIKE AN ANNOYING BUT PLEASURABLE KNOWLEDGE THAT SOME PEOPLE NEAR YOU WILL BE UP TO HIJINKS YOU WILL REMAIN BLISSFULLY UNAWARE OF UNLESS YOU ARE AWOKEN AT 3AM DUE TO THEIR PREDICTABLY LOUD RETURN. WHAT A GIFT IT IS TO LIVE TIGHTLY AMONGST OTHERS THOUGH, DON’T YOU AGREE?
PISCES:
EVERY MORNING YOU FIND THE PERFECT COUCH FOR SOMEONE AS YOU SCAN THE INDEXES OF CIRCULATING OBJECTS AND LOCATE THAT GREEN VELVET STUNNER WITH YOUR PERFECT TASTE. THE DAY BREAKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EACH MORNING IS ANOTHER DIVORCING LESBIAN COUPLE’S POSTING A PICTURE OF AN EXCELLENT KITCHEN ISLAND AND YOU, IN A BURST OF LOVING WARMTH TO YOUR PRIZED FRIENDS, SEND IT TO THE EXQUISITE CREATURE THAT MAY CHOP VEGETABLES ON THE WELL-OILED BUTCHER BLOCK. YOU HAVE ACHIEVED A SISYPHEAN PERFECTION OF LOCATING BOULDERS NO ONE WILL EVER ROLL UP THEIR THIRD FLOOR WALK-UP BUT IT’S OKAY TO CALL IT WHAT IT IS: BLISS. ARIES: IT IS YOUR WHINING SEASON - YOU MATCH THE LONG SLOW DRUM OF THE LATE SUMMER CICADAS AS THEY GET SLOWER AND SLOWER IN THE SEPTEMBER BREEZE. YOU ARE PERFECTING YOUR PLAINTIVE HARMONIZING; YOU ARE MAKING IT KNOWN THAT YOU WILL BE HEARD THROUGH THE ARCHITECTURES. MAYBE YOU WILL EVEN PEE ON SOMEONE’S WINDSHIELD ABOUT IT. YOUR VOICE, DESPITE YOUR EFFORTS, IS RATHER PLEASANT TO LISTEN TO AT THESE PITCHES. YOU MAY NOT FIND YOUR NEEDS MET BUT YOU WILL HAVE CREATED AN EXPERIMENTAL SOUNDSCAPE SO LIKE, APPLY TO SOME GRANTS? TAURUS:
ITS REALLY BEEN A BARRAGE OF…STUFF…LATELY. WHAT KIND OF STUFF? BITS AND BOBS, TINSEL, A VERITABLE TONNAGE OF PURE SHEET ROCK, A CACAPHONY OF SLAMMING DOORS, DRYER LINT AND USED TISSUES, ASHES, ASHES, ASHES. THE REPETITION OF THE PHRASE “NOT DEAD YET,” ONE OR TWO MEWLING KITTENS? A LOT OF KINDS OF SHIT CAN FLY THROUGH ONE LONELY PLANET’S ATMOSPHERE, FAR MORE THAN IS POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO DODGE. SO…DON’T?
GEMINI: SOMETIMES YOU SINK YOUR TEETH OR TOES OR OTHER PROTRUDING BODY PARTS INTO SMALL GROOVES EXACTLY THE RIGHT SHAPE AND SIZE FOR SAID PARTS. IT FEELS SO GOOD - LIKE A SANDPAPER TONGUE BUT DRY AND PERFECT AND YOU ARE ABLE TO FORGET ALL THE POCKETS AND HOLES THAT DON’T FIT RIGHT. EACH DAY IS A NEW CHANCE TO FEEL LIKE A WELL MACHINED JIGSAW PUZZLE, HOWEVER, IF YOU SPEND ALL DAY SEARCHING FOR SUCH SLOTS YOU WILL FORGO ALL THE POSSIBLE PLEASURES OF MISALIGNMENT.
CANCER: IN AN ALLEYWAY BETWEEN TWO EMPTY HOUSES SITS A GILDED MIRROR NEXT TO A BAG OF TRASH. THE MIRROR AT SUCH AN ANGLE REFLECTS ONLY POWERLINES AND SKY WHILE ITS GARBAGE BESTIE GLINTS DARKLY AND STEAMS WHILE THE SUN SHINES. IF THESE WERE YOUR SCRYING TOOLS WHICH WOULD YOU COUNT ON? THE CLARITY OF GLAMOUR LAID WASTE? THAT’S THE OBVIOUS CHOICE, MIRRORS ARE WELL KNOWN SCRYING OBJECTS BUT I CAN TELL THE GARBAGE SEDUCES YOU WITH ITS LITERALISM AND VERACITY. THAT’S SOMETHING YOU MIGHT WANT TO UNPACK EVENTUALLY.
LEO: NO ONE CAN KNOW WHAT THEY’VE MISSED - THAT’S WHY FOMO IS A FAKE FEELING AND THE DEAD DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ARE GRIEVING, THEY JUST WANT TO HANG OUT ON YOUR SHOULDER AND WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING BECAUSE YOU ARE THEIR BELOVED SIM AND THEY HOPE THAT YOU EAT BREAKFAST AND DON’T GET CRANKY. THEY JUST WANT YOU TO GO DANCING AT THE SIM CLUB WITH YOUR SIM MUSIC THAT IS NO LONGER COMPREHENSIBLE TO THOSE THAT HAVE SEEN THE ENTIRETY OF TIME AT ONCE. SO MAKE SURE YOUR CEREAL IS FIBER RICH AND YOUR SHOES HAVE GOOD INSOLES, YOU HAVE A LOT TO DO TODAY.
