#horroscopes

[marzipan-pond]

Nothing beats the impending sense of dread whenever I see a "the signs as" post knowing it'll probably be a homestuck reference burried under 5 layers of obscurity

[astrology-cookie]

the signs as lame twelvie insults/comebacks

Aries: “Get a life”

Taurus: “Did you get dropped as a baby or something?”

Gemini:  “You should climb up your ego and jump to your IQ.”

Cancer: “You’re wasting your breath”

Leo: “I had a nightmare, I dreamt I was you”

Virgo: “There’s only one problem with your face.. I can see it”

Libra: “In one ear and out the other” 

Scorpio: “I’m sorry, I don’t speak idiot”

Sagittarius: “ Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.”

Capricorn: “Like your mum?”

Aquarius: “I’m not insulting you.. I’m describing you”

Pisces: “I’m busy now, can I ignore you later?”

[spookyduckface]

We Gemini must stick together, we can do far more damage as a team 👌

[godlovesgoths]

the signs as shit my roommate says

Aeries: I need people to stop flying to hawaii

Taurus: i'm gonna get a shirt that says "I'm just a nasty ass bitch looking for love in all the right places" to wear to shambala

Gemini: i didn't really have enough vegetables today

Cancer: I'm just a big cheerio eating bitch

leo: i didn't want to serve today but then i had to serve today because one of the waiters was just like... vomiting

Virgo: I literally don't even have a toe nail on my pinky toe... my toe just looks like a stupid cherry tomato... just hanging off my foot. I don't have toes i just have ideas of toes

libra: i walked into the grocery store and there was this guy making a fuss over the last pack of organic eggs having a broken one and I was kinda just like.... wow.... you exist....

scorpio: *Listening to 90s alt rock* there's that banger

Sagittarius: sometimes i get so bored that i just pluck all of my leg hair

Capricorn: *referring to her nineties alt rock playlist* could you imagine if this was like, my sex playlist?

Aquarius: the pie place is great but the manager is really mean. i think all of her insanity goes into the pies

Pisces: *wistfully, but out of context* ...my soup could have really used some fresh cilantro

[beta-sheratan]

Anyone else hear that, apparently, Nasa is adding in the 13th constellation so now everyone’s Star Sign is different??? Like bro, I went from Aries to Pisces... I actually found a sign that is somewhat more me than ever before xD It explains so much. 

FIND OUT YOUR NEW STAR SIGN HERE

[thef-bomb]

What if the story of your life was not about suffering for the sake of benediction? Imagine a world wherein you have always been strong enough to forgive whatever harms you. It can be hard to finally feel strong but, Pisces, you are different then you once were—kinder at the core and luminescent. I wish you could see with clear eyes the many ways you were cared for—each of us your mother as if we knew how to be mothers.

“Pisces” http://galacticrabbit.com/2016/02/145/

[the-key-to-the-universe]

i’m actually sick of these horroscopes on this site. they make me feel shitty about myself.