ᯓ kwon soonyoung x fem!reader
ᯓ synopsis: soonyoung loves you more than anything in the world but sometimes he wonders, is he just cute to you?
ᯓ word count: 1.1k
ᯓ warnings: none at all!! just pure fluff, maybe a tiny bit suggestive (?)
ᯓ authors note: my first fic and ofc it's hoshi (¬_¬ ) i'm obsessed with him, he's tooo cute!!! come back hoshi the kids miss you :(
Maybe it was his chubby cheeks. Or his constant smiles. Or his endearing demeanour. Yes, that must be it. Soonyoung has heard about how endearing he is countless times. That would explain why you never saw him as a man.
Okay, maybe he was being a bit too dramatic. But honestly, could you blame him?
It took him years of pining and being just a friend to finally get you to become his girlfriend (it still felt so surreal to him that he got lightheaded if he thought too much about it) and you never took him seriously!
He’s showing off this dance he choreographed to you and he only got 6 steps in before you were giggling at him and cooing about how adorable he was.
You were deciding on dinner together and he puffed his cheeks out, trying to explain why you both should be eating corndogs instead of pasta only to get his cheeks squished together and still being made to eat carbonara!
Could he ever win!?
And don’t get him wrong, he loves you with everything in him, his full heart and his whole soul. He adores the way your pretty face lights up and the feeling of your soft hands on his cheeks. He feels like floating every time your honeyed voice praises his cuteness and your perfect lips pressed kisses all over his face.
It was just that sometimes Soonyoung wished you found him manly. He wished that you saw that he was more than just a cute face and maybe feed his masculinity a bit. Like how you compliment Mingyu on his ever growing physique and tease Seungcheol about how long he spends at the gym. Not that he was jealous of course, Soonyoung knew that you meant those comments in a platonic way, he just wished you saw him in a similar light.
He was so deep in thought that he didn’t notice the front door open, you walking through with bags of groceries and your cellphone pressed between your shoulder and your ear.
He sits up from where he was laying down on the couch to look at you as you kicked the door shut with your feet and gave him a pretty smile before saying goodbye to your mother on the phone before stuffing it into your jean pocket.
Soonyoung gets up and walks towards you, grabbing the bags from your hand as you remove your shoes and slide your coat off your shoulders. You press a quick kiss to his cheek and attach yourself to him, your mouth pressed into the back of his shoulder through the fabric of his t-shirt.
“Hi baby,” you say, your voice muffled by his shoulder and the broad grin you were sporting. Soonyoung grins, placing the bags of groceries on the marble counter before turning and looking at you, head tilted. “Hey.”
You look up at him, chin tucked in his chest, your eyes wide and sparkling. You poke at one of his cheeks and Soonyoung’s smile falters but he quickly brings it back to normal and begins walking you both to the couch. “Why don’t you sit down while I put the groceries away?”
You blink then nod and all but collapse on the couch, sighing loudly as you place your feet on top of one of the throw pillows sitting idly near the armrest. Soonyoung giggles before he catches himself and clears his throat, letting out what he hopes to be a manly chuckle. He didn’t see the way your head lifted up, looking at him confused.
“Work wasn’t great today?” He asked, opening the fridge to place a carton of milk on the shelves. “Horrible actually,” you correct, wiggling upwards to recline your head on the armrest.
He hums as he finishes putting all the groceries away and walks towards the couch to join you. He knelt on the ground in front of you, watching your nose scrunch up adorably. You peck his lips once. Then twice. And by the third time, he wanted more.
He caught your wrist in his hand and brought it to his lips, nipping lightly at the skin. “You gonna kiss me properly or what?” His voice was husky, his eyes half-lidded as he stared at you, lips still brushing your wrist. Soonyoung was the epitome of pure sexiness.
Or so he thought…
Cause before he could even process it, you were squealing and cupping his face, bringing it closer to your own so that you could press sticky lipgloss kisses to his cheeks which were now burning, not from being flustered, but from pure embarrassment.
“My baby,” you wail, pinching his cheeks before squishing them together, one of your hands on either cheek as you place kisses on his pouty lips. “You want kisses? I’ll give you kisses baby, oohhh soo cute!”
Soonyoung opened his mouth to speak but was once again cut off by you shushing him and kissing his lips over and over again. He sighed before he took your face in his large hands and forced you to sit still, looking up at him.
“Before you give me any more kisses, answer me this,” he said, watching you blink with confusion before nodding. “Am I manly?”
Your lips twist and your eyes squint. It was obvious that you were surprised and puzzled, most likely wondering where this was coming from. “Manly?” He nods, awaiting your answer.
“Um… yeah you’re manly, honey.” He blinks, wanting more. “Like? Examples? How am I manly?”
Your lips part before curving into a small smile as you stifle a giggle. You’ve probably figured it out now but Soonyoung doesn’t care as long as you keep talking.
“Well,” you say, sitting up a little higher as you trace your fingers down his biceps. “You’ve got such nice, strong muscles. Every time we cuddle, they wrap around me so firmly, like you’d hate it if I ever got up and left.” His breathing hitched and his smile widened as he scooted a little closer towards you. If he was a dog, he’s pretty sure you’d be able to see his tail wagging excitedly.
“And you’re so husband coded, the way you always hold my bags, even if it’s a cute purse and how you always place your hand on my thigh while you drive. I also love how you dance baby, the way you move…”
You smile cheekily, choosing to leave the sentence unfinished and Soonyoung thinks he might die. “Okay, okay, that's enough examples for now, just come kiss me,” he whines as you laugh and kiss him sweetly.
“Cute,” you murmur into his lips and this time, Soonyoung doesn’t really mind.
HOSHI AS TWINDAD? DOUBLE THE TROUBLE, DOUBLE THE LOVE
Caution: You are entering Twindad Hoshi Territory. This includes two gremlins, one overly enthusiastic father, and absolutely zero chill. Proceed for maximum fluff, questionable decisions, and dramatic gasps every five minutes. Read at your own risk (of melting).
twindad! Hoshi spent the entire pregnancy convinced it was “one super powerful baby” until the ultrasound revealed two heartbeats and he almost fell off the chair. He stared at the screen, eyes wide. “TWO?? AT THE SAME TIME?? When the doctor confirmed it, he gasped like he’d just been jumpscared. Then he promptly cried. Half from happiness, half from the terrifying realization of the future chaos awaiting him.
twindad! Hoshi is convinced the twins can understand him from birth. He gives them full speeches like, “Okay, babies. Today we will not cry when Appa tries to sleep for five minutes. Teamwork? Yes?” They blink at him. He takes that as agreement.
twindad! Hoshi makes it his personal mission to buy every tiger themed item he can find for the twins. Tiger onesies, tiger blankets, tiger socks, or anything with stripes is coming home with him. You have to physically stop him when he tries to buy full tiger costumes. Not just for the babies, but for you and him too. He gets scolded, pouts a little, then quietly slips one tiny tiger hat into the cart anyway.
twindad! Hoshi insists on matching outfits. Even when you say it’s a bit much, he just beams proudly and hoists one twin onto each hip. “They look like a team,” he says. “TEAM KWON.” He walks around like he’s won something — like he’s the luckiest man alive.
twindad! Hoshi whose dramatic reactions quickly become the twins’ favorite entertainment. If one cries, he gasps like he’s in a K-drama and drops to his knees. “WHO MADE YOU SAD?? I WILL FIGHT THEM!! OR … snacks? Should we eat snacks??” Instant giggles and he wins every time.
twindad! Hoshi teaches them “Horanghae” far too early. He curls their tiny hands into baby tiger paws, counting with exaggerated seriousness. “1 … 2 … 3 HORANGHAE!!!” And when they mimic him back, his voice cracks. He turns away, dramatically wiping his non-existent tears while you pretend not to notice.
twindad! Hoshi insists he can handle the double stroller alone. Five minutes later, he’s fighting for his life trying to get it through a doorway while the twins giggle like it’s the best show they’ve ever seen. “A little help, please?? Babe?” he asks helplessly, and all you can do is laugh.
twindad! Hoshi is convinced the twins are plotting against him. “They’re looking at each other,” he whispers seriously. “I swear they’re planning something. I can feel it in my soul.” They are two years old.
twindad! Hoshi accidentally encourages double chaos. Twin A climbs a chair. “NO — WAIT — BE CAREFUL —” Then Twin B immediately starts climbing another one. “NOT YOU TOO! BABE HELP!!!” He scoops them up one by one, half panicked, half laughing. Unfortunately, he laughs while rescuing them, so now they think it’s a game and will absolutely do it again.
twindad! Hoshi gets mixed up more often than he admits. One too many times, he calls Baby A to come shower while he’s helping Baby B into fresh clothes, only for a small, proud voice behind him to say, “I done shower!” He pauses, blinks, then turns around, looking between the two identical faces. A moment passes before realization settles in. “Oh,” he says softly, smiling. “You’re Baby A.” The toddler grins, and Hoshi laughs under his breath, ruffling their hair.
twindad! Hoshi learns very quickly that Caratbongs are not toddler-safe. Or at least, not his twin-safe. He takes the twins to the concert, each wearing oversized ear protectors, and backstage he proudly places a Caratbong into each tiny hand. It lasts approximately three seconds before they start swinging them at each other like it’s a duel. “NONONONO—” he panics, rushing in, “we use Caratbongs for love and light — babeee.” The twins giggle.
twindad! Hoshi becomes a full size pillow during naptime. Both twins knock out on his chest, limbs sprawled everywhere, heavy and warm. He stares at the ceiling, barely breathing. “I can’t move,” he whispers. A beat. “I’m trapped.” Another beat. “But I’m happy.”
twindad! Hoshi eventually accepts defeat as his house turns into the twins’ playground. Toys in every corner, crayons on the table, plushies on the couch, tiny shoes by the door. He tries to clean. They undo his work within five minutes. He sighs, looks around, then smiles anyway.
twindad! Hoshi’s biggest weakness is when the twins hold hands. He freezes mid step, clutching his chest dramatically like he’s been struck. “Baby love …” he murmurs, voice wobbling. “… double.” You swear he looks close to tears.
twindad! Hoshi becomes practice room royalty the moment he brings the twins to the studio. The members spoil them endlessly, taking turns holding them, making faces, sneaking them snacks. The twins climb Hoshi like a tree while he practices choreography, laughing breathlessly as he balances being an idol and a dad at the same time.
twindad! Hoshi has one moment he treasures most. Late at night, both twins asleep on his chest, breathing slow and even. He doesn’t move. Doesn’t dare. His voice comes out soft, almost trembling. “You make me want to be the best version of me … I love you two so much.” He stays frozen for over an hour — arms numb, heart completely full.
A first date with Hoshi would mean non-stop fun planned for the whole evening. You knew when your friend told you that she: "had someone who could match your energy," that you were definitely in for a ride. And that expectation was met as soon as you saw Soonyoung bounding towards you, calling your name from the entrance of the aquarium.
Hoshi would have already bought the entry tickets, and the VIP experience with the penguins at noon as well for an added surprise, (not that you minded). Hoshi would plead the entire day that your wallet stays firmly inside your purse, nothing will be paid for by you. "I insist, please. Let me spoil you a bit, okay?" His eyes squish up into sparkling crescent moons as he smiles big at you while handing over your ticket.
And as soon as you both walk through the doors he grabs a map of the building, outlining where your first stops are. He's babbling excitingly with a point of a finger, that you can't help the grin that spreads on your face from his enthusiasm. "First the sharks, then the whales! Of course, we'll go see the penguins - I booked the VIP experience where we'll get to feed them!" Hoshi's excitement is contagious as he starts off towards the first exhibit, with you rushing after him with a giggle.
When you two are a little near the whales, a sudden burst of excited school children flooding the area nearly pull the two of you apart, and that's when Hoshi reaches out. His arm wraps around your waist, tugging you closer to his side with a little, "Whoa, almost lost you for a minute there." His eyes are lighting up as you easily melt into the casual contact against his side. "Stay close, okay?" His fingers pressing into your waist slightly, keeping you close from that point on.
First Date! Hoshi, who when on the way to the "penguin experience" sees one of those plywood cutout photo ops, (the ones with the silly scene painted on the front with holes for your faces to go) practically drags you to it with an excited, "look!." This one is a mermaid and a merman holding hands, and Hoshi insists on a photo together pulling you behind the cutout while making some poor aquarium worker take the photo with a grin.
First Date! Hoshi positions you just right, his hands brushing your waist again briefly before he persuades the worker to take a bunch of photos, and darts back to his spot in the cut out. Endless laughter ensues as he looks over all of the photos, automatically making one his new phone wallpaper, with an amused smirk."Now I can always see your pretty smile." He says simply, slipping his phone away, like that didn't just give you butterflies.
First Date! Hoshi keeps you laughing through the entire penguin experience. From copying their waddle behind a line of them to trying to speak to them in penguin squawks. You're laughing so hard your sides hurt, and when one of the penguins comes up to you nosing you with their beak, you blink in surprise. "Oh, they must like me or something" you say with a grin. "They have good taste," he replies easily but with sparkling eyes that reignite the butterflies in your stomach, his little smirk sending your heart into overdrive.
First Date! Hoshi, who on the way to the gift shop sees that the jellyfish area is practically abandoned, so he decides to pull you in. He laces his fingers in yours and gently pulls you to the bench that faces the expansive glass. He lets out a soft sighing breath as he lets his arm rest behind your back, casually closing the distance between you two. "I'm glad you came today, I hope you'll spend another day with me like this." He says giving you a sidelong glance before looking up at all the pretty jellyfishes in wonderment.
First Date! Hoshi doesn't notice at first when you shift close enough to lean against him, but when you do he holds his breath for a moment before finally relaxing, and letting his arm fully wrap around you. "I'm glad I came too." You say now looking upwards at Soonyoung, your voice pulling his attention to you.
First Date! Hoshi almost freezes again when your lips are millimeters apart from touching his, but he quickly regains composure and closes the small space without hesitation. He presses his lips to yours in a quick, sweet kiss that leaves you wishing for more. "Should we go?" His question was barely heard over the thud of your heartbeat in your ears, but you nod in agreement and his hand easily finds yours as he helps you stand.
First Date! Hoshi still insists on a quick stop to the gift shop before you two rush out, "A memento for one of my greatest days so far." Soonyoung says it with a near lovesick grin as his eyes scan the key-chains. "These ones!" He says proudly holding up two matching penguin ones that have little magnets in their beaks to make them kiss. "Penguins mate for life you know?" He gives you a sidelong glance that lasts just enough to see the blush creep over your cheeks at the implication of his fact.
First Date! Hoshi tried really hard to be patient as you two arrived back at his apartment, but you just looked too kissable, he simply couldn't resist having another taste of you.
That's how you ended up in the meanest mating press you've possibly ever been in, legs draped over his shoulders, Hoshi nipping your bottom lip as his big cock stretches you open deliciously. "You're taking me so well, Baby. Look at you - so wet and she's swallowing me all up, fuck, so good for me." He says while the head of his cock bullies your cervix with every thrust.
First Date! Hoshi swallows up all your mewls and moans, his hand slipping between your bodies to rub rough, sloppy circles over your clit. (You don't know he was spelling out his name until later.) "C'mon pretty, let me see you cum all over my cock, that's right…" He coos, his voice rough and deep in your ear as your fall apart for him almost on command.
And then he's lifting your legs higher, "One more…gimme one more, Baby." The new position gives him the perfect angle for his cock to brush your G-spot with each pounding thrust he makes and your eyes roll back as he flashes you that same lovesick grin he had back in the gift shop.
First Date! Hoshi chases his release while pulling another orgasm out of you minutes later. He's filling you all the way to the brim with his cock, kissing all down your neck and jaw while murmuring words of praise into your skin.
"Did so good pretty…so good, and you're so perfect for me." He murmurs between kisses, slowly dropping your legs, and shifting you both into a sweeter, cuddling position like he didn't just fuck you into his bed like it wasn't your first date. "You get to pick the next date, okay?" He says as you both settle against the pillows, pulling the blankets up around you for the night. He's already thinking of vows as he pulls you into his chest.
A/N: A big huge thank you to @milk-moonbunnies for being the greatest ever and editing and beta reading this! ❤️
pairing: kwon soonyoung x f!reader
genre: psychological horror, enemies to lovers, angst, smut [18+ mdni]
wc: 12,667
warnings: depictions of gore, violence, guns/weapons, scary creatures, anomalies, liminal spaces, minor character death, dystopian vibes, a bit lore heavy, reader has a panic attack at one point, brief mention of suicidal ideation, fingering, nipple play, unprotected piv sex (don't do this irl), creampie, praise kink, body worship, talking u through it, dirty talk, petnames (baby, pretty girl)
a/n: i am finallyyyyy getting back to the remainder of my halloween series fics!! truly so so sorry it's taking me this long, life has been kicking my ass but i am doing my darndest. as the title suggests, this is an au based on the backrooms!! if you don't know what the backrooms is, it's basically vague internet lore about an alternate reality of liminal spaces you can glitch into. you start at level 0, but there are infinite levels, each one a distinct creepy setting that may contain hostile creatures and appear to go on forever. this was SO fun to write, and although it's fairly dark and a bit scary i hope you guys will enjoy the story :) huge big ol thank u to @miniseokminnies for beta-ing, u da realest ily <3
SYNOPSIS: Your expedition into the Backrooms takes a turn when all of your crew members are killed, picked off one-by-one by the monstrous Entities that live within this labyrinthian abyss. Now it's just you, left to explore this never-ending liminal hellscape on your own, pressing onward as far as you can go before you too are killed. But when you unexpectedly run into another human, you have to decide whether or not to trust him. His cold, unfriendly demeanor is certainly off-putting, but your life very well might depend on his intel — so what choice do you have, really?
Day 42
Commander Jarvis is dead. I was able to retrieve his pack before the Entity Epsilon dragged his corpse into the nether. As the First Officer I am to resume his command of the crew — what's left of us anyway. Privates Pierson and Yu also did not survive Level 8. May their souls rest in peace.
According to the limited records recovered from prior expeditions, we should be nearing the Null Zone to Level 9. As far as the Axiom Company is concerned, Level 9 is the furthest any crew has reached before being fully exterminated. In my opinion, however, it remains a possibility that others from prior expeditions may have survived — perhaps moving on to higher levels, beyond the Company's reach. Whether they are out there, I suppose we will either find out or die trying.
Day 46
We encountered another Entity Epsilon — that makes five. We have not once escaped from one of them as a full crew, and this time was no different. Privates Klipp and Jameson fought valiantly until the very end, but that thing is a monster. May their souls rest in peace. It's just me, Sanchez, and Finn left now.
We should have reached a Null Zone by now, but no such luck. I have a bad feeling we've just been going in circles — but we have no choice but to press on.
Day 47
Sixth Entity Epsilon encounter. We were so close. The Null Zone was right there, but it was faster. May Privates Sanchez and Finn rest in peace. I have retreated and am writing this in haste from our previous post, but I won't be safe here for much longer. I am going to make a run for the Null Zone. If I don't make it, then so be it.
You slip the tablet into your pack and raise your gun at the ready. Quietly slipping out of the abandoned makeshift tent you've been hiding under, you take a deep breath. Scanning the cavernous tunnels in your periphery, it looks clear — though, that doesn't mean much. You've unfortunately had enough run-ins with the Epsilons at this point to know that they can practically materialize out of thin air. Those fuckers are fast. You know your odds aren't great, but it's not like you have much to lose left anyway.
Heading in the direction of the Null Zone, you break into a sprint. Normally you'd take greater care to move in silence, but you've learned the hard way that all the stealth in the world is fruitless against the Epsilons. So you bolt at top speed, the echoes of your boots thunking against the limestone ground booming through the stale, damp air. If there's one nearby, you're done for.
Your senses start to sting, picking up on the empty resonance of the Null Zone ahead. You're almost there. Just 30 meters more. So close you can taste it. Then a horrific screech fills your ear.
You don't stop, you don't slow, you don't even dare to peek over your shoulder. You know once you do, you're dead meat. You run and run, muscles screaming in agony as you push yourself onward. 20 meters. 10 meters. Five. Four, three, two—
Against all instincts you hurl yourself at the cavern wall between two towering stalagmites. For a split millisecond you consider the possibility that you have misjudged the location of the Null Zone, and that you are about to slam face-first into solid rock. You squeeze your eyes shut and brace for impact.
But it doesn't come.
A sudden deafening silence hits you like a truck. You open your eyes you see yourself hurling face-first into slick, oily pavement. You brace yourself just in time — your palms slamming into the rough ground as you catch yourself. Quickly rolling over you leap back to your feet, reaching for your gun and raising it to position as you rapidly scan your surroundings, but the Epsilon is gone — as is the miserable cave system you'd been in for nearly two weeks. Instead, you find yourself standing in the middle of a street in a suburban neighborhood, dim and shadowy in the moonless nighttime, shrouded in a chilly lingering mist. The caves were an insufferable flavor of quiet, but you had gotten used to its reverberating echoes; here it is just as quiet, but instead of claustrophobic it feels uncomfortably vast. You're not sure which is worse — but you're here now, and there is no going back.
Your head swivels as you peer down the street in both directions. As expected, both ways appear endless — you're used to that by now. No immediate anomalies are detected, and since the Company's intel on Level 9 is practically nonexistent anyway it really doesn't matter which way you go at this point. You decide to go left.
You walk down the center of the silent street, observing the mundane cookie-cutter houses that pass. The only source of light here is the sparse low-wattage street lamps, their incandescent glow seeming to cast more shadows than anything, but still they all look more or less the same: color palettes ranging from gray to beige, windows darkened, manicured lawns sitting picture-perfect without a blade of grass out of place. Painfully bland. You note none of the houses have numbers, but of course they don't.
Eventually you spot a four-way intersection. Approaching the cross street, you pause at its stop sign — the first and only bit of color you've seen thus far. Logistically, it makes the most sense to continue straight; there are no street signs, so the more turns you make the more likely you are to get lost. But there's no logic to the Backrooms — just when you think you're starting to figure things out, everything can change in the blink of an eye. Try to strategize your way out of a situation, and you'll probably end up in a worse one. You decide to turn right.
The pure silence is deafening, causing your ears to ring just enough for it to be irksome. You don't know what Entities await you in Level 9 — anyone who does most likely did not live to tell the tale; and while this place feels somehow even more devoid of life than the cave systems of Level 8 your intuition tells you something awful is present here. Yet you walk for miles and come across nothing but endless empty houses. You wonder what would happen if you tried to go inside one; the thought is appealing — as is the potential of finding an actual bed to sleep in for the first time in months. But the illusion of shelter might cause you to let your guard down, and you're not yet sure if that's a risk you're willing to take.
You stroll for another 15 minutes, passing a few more intersections but continuing on your path ahead. The protocol for a new level is always to scope out the environment first, provided you deem it safe enough to do so. You've always found that a bit laughable — only Level 0 is free of Entities, after all. After that, any sense of safety is merely an illusion. It's a matter of when, not if, something finds you. But by Backrooms standards, you currently feel about as safe as it gets.
Your feet start to drag as you walk on. You have been going practically non-stop for the brutal two weeks spent in the Level 8 caves — a little rest would do you wonders right now. You begin to study each house as you walk past, trying to get a sense of any danger that may be lurking behind their doors. Much of surviving the Backrooms boils down to natural survival instincts; yours are pretty damn good (it's why you were recruited, after all), but you're exhausted. Even the best soldiers start to lose their grip on reality in this state.
You pass on a few dozen houses. None of them have felt dangerous, but uncertainty is making you hesitant, so you reluctantly press on. You're nearly past the umpteenth beige house when something makes you stop. Turning to your left, the house standing before you looks as unremarkable as the rest. But something about it feels different. Whether that's a good thing or not, you are unsure — but there's only one way to find out.
You step onto the sidewalk, slowly approaching the front door. Even up close, you can't make out any single thing through the boxy windows; it's as if they are solidly opaque rather than just dark. Reaching for the handle, you turn it slowly. You were half expecting it to be locked, but it turns, granting you entry. You push it open just a crack, raising your weapon as you peer into the dark house; it looks like an ordinary modern home interior — no immediate signs of Entities or other danger. Slowly you let yourself in, shutting the front door behind you. You tug a small flashlight from your utility belt — an item infrequently used in the Backrooms, as many Entities are attracted to light. Clicking it on, you scan the room, finding nothing but furnishings as dull and uninteresting as the house's exterior. A set of stairs stands before you, but you proceed past it down the first floor's main hall. You open the doors you pass along the way, only finding a half bath and a few empty closets. Stepping into the kitchen, you find it as ordinary as the rest of the house. You're about to head upstairs when a slightly ajar cabinet catches your eye.
Walking over to the counter, you hesitantly reach for the cabinet door. You open it, eyes widening as your flashlight beam falls on the stock of cans and provisions packs behind the door — food.
Your mind starts to race. Without a doubt, humans were once here. But where are they now? If they had moved on to higher Levels, it's unlikely they would have left food behind. Did they die? Are they still here? If so, where are they?
click
The metallic sound behind your ear sends an immediate chill down your spine. You freeze, body going rigid in fear.
"Put the gun down and turn around. Slowly."
The gruff male voice comes from right behind you. You do as it says, cautiously setting your weapon on the counter and raising your hands in the air. Turning slowly you come face to face with the black muzzle of a pistol, held by a tall, scowling man.
"Who are you?" he barks. "You Company?"
He glares at you through narrowed eyes. Between his spiked hair, tattered headband, eyebrow piercing, and the large scar across his cheek, he would look scary even if he weren't holding a gun to your head.
"I'm Commander l/n of the Exodus Crew, Expedition Andromeda. Our mission is to—"
"Yeah, whatever, I know the spiel," the man scoffs. He cocks his head at you. "Where's the rest of your crew?"
"Dead," you answer him with a glare.
"You kill 'em?" he questions, pressing his pistol threateningly into your forehead.
"What?" you balk. "Of course not, why would you even think that?"
"What do you know of Expedition Crusader?" the man continues, disregarding your question.
"Crusader?" you repeat, your brow shifting in confusion. "There's no such expedition from the Axiom Company with that name."
He lets out an incredulous huff.
"Okay, so you know nothing. Got it."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" you inquire. You glance up at the barrel of the man's pistol. "And can you get this fucking gun out of my face?"
He stares at you for a moment, considering. You are a potential threat, but you also could be of use to him. Eventually he lowers the gun, letting it rest at his hip; you note that he doesn't take his finger off the trigger.
"It means you're just another pawn in the game."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" you stare at him, growing annoyed already. "Who even are you?"
The man looks at you, unanswering, the gears in his head clearly still turning.
"Call me Hoshi," he finally tells you. He gestures to your gun on the counter. "Get your weapon. But try anything funny and I will kill you."
"I won't," you respond as you grab your gun and put it back into its holster. "I'm just glad to see another human," you admit.
The man huffs again. "Right."
"What's your fucking problem?" you question, following him as he walks off toward a door at the other end of the kitchen. As he opens it you see it appears to lead down to the basement. He descends the staircase without responding; you roll your eyes, trudging after him.
"Shut the door behind you," he barks from somewhere in the darkness. You oblige, extinguishing the already inadequate light source. You're about to complain when you hear the strike of a match — Hoshi ignites a single lantern in the middle of the room, casting a faint flow over the basement's contents. You see a neatly piled stash of rations in one corner, an assortment of rifles and weapons in another, and a twin sized mattress with a single blanket pushed up against the wall — clearly this is where he has hunkered down. Hoshi sits down at the single table, where various maps and tablets are scattered, as if he had been studying them.
"Tell me everything you know about the Company and its missions," he says as you sit in the chair opposite from him.
"That's classified—"
He crosses his arms as he shakes his head, cutting you off. "I already know it all. I just want to see how much you know."
"So you're Company then, too."
"Formerly," he grumbles.
"What does that mea—"
"We'll get there. Just start from the beginning."
"The beginning?" you raise your brow at him. "You want a fucking history lesson?"
"Skip the details," he waves his hand dismissively. "Just give me a summary."
You stare at him, mouth slightly ajar. You don't like the idea of just sitting around wasting time, but you are fucking exhausted.
"Fine," you sigh. "In the year 2135 a group of scientists conducting research on particle physics accidentally discovered a gateway to an alternate dimension that became known as the Backrooms. One of the scientists, Zhang, volunteered to be the first person to enter. He went in, and the team waited patiently for him to report back — nobody knew whether time progressed at the same velocity in the Backrooms, after all, so there could be some sort of delay. They gave it a few days, then a few weeks, then several months. But he was never heard from again. The team then decided to set up a base camp in the Backrooms, to conduct further research and transmit data back to Standard Earth. It was a groundbreaking endeavor, and every day it seemed there was a new discovery that made physicists question everything they knew about the fabric of reality. The research was thriving, but there was a major problem: the initial team who went in could not find a way out. Transmissions from the team became less and less frequent; and eventually, radio silence. Optimism began to dwindle, and funding started to run out. The project was in danger of being shut down entirely — but a coalition of wealthy donors founded the Axiom Company to continue the research. They launched Expedition Pioneer, and sent the first official crew in on a recovery mission. They found the base camp, but it seemed abandoned — and the scientists were nowhere to be seen. The recovery operation turned into reconnaissance, and soon the first Null Zone was discovered. That's when they realized there was more than one level to the Backrooms — but just like nobody could return to Standard Earth from Level 0, those who proceeded to Level 1 could not return to the previous Level. This encouraged Axiom to turn the Backrooms into a full-fledged enterprise. More and more expeditions embarked, and more and more Levels were discovered; the physicists began to theorize that the Backrooms actually contained an infinite number of Levels — a never-ending labyrinth of dimensions within dimensions. But of course, there were also the Entities. Entity Alphas were the first, lurking in the shadows of Level 1's parking garage enviro. They were awful enough as is — large, gangly, and fleshy, strong enough to rip humans apart in a single go. But it only got worse when the Pioneer crews discovered they also had the ability to mimic — disguising themselves as fellow crew members, luring you in with a false sense of security and then shredding you into pieces."
You pause as the gruesome imagery flashes through your mind. Gritting your teeth, you reach for your canteen and take a swig of lukewarm water. You've had no one to talk to since the last of your crew were exterminated (except for yourself, but you try to keep that to a minimum — for your safety as well as your sanity), and your throat is already growing hoarse.
"Anyway," you continue, recapping your canteen and clipping it back onto its place on your utility belt. "I'm sure you're all too familiar with the known Entities." Hoshi doesn't respond, continuing to stare at you coldly from across the table. A grimace seems permanently etched onto his face, but you can't get a read on his motives. Frustrating.
"Despite all the setbacks, incredible progress was made. The Company developed a massive database, recording everything known about the Backrooms and each of its Levels. The first few Levels are the most well-known, but documentation exists through Level 8. No reports from further Levels have ever been received, and nothing is known of Level 9. There has even been speculation that Level 9's enviro is inhospitable to humans, that no one who has entered it has survived — but we are currently in Level 9, so clearly that's not true."
You stop, wondering if Hoshi is satisfied with your rundown of the shit he certainly already knows. His lips remain pursed, saying nothing but continuing to glare at you.
"Do you have a fucking problem with me?" you spit suddenly.
"That depends," he responds, unfazed by your hostile tone.
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"It's complicated."
"It's a yes or no question," you scowl.
"You are naive. Things are not as straightforward as you think they are."
"Go ahead then," you huff, growing exasperated. "Explain to me how things really are, since apparently I'm fucking stupid."
"You're not stupid," he states matter-of-factly. "You wouldn't have made it this far if you were."
"Then why are you speaking to me like I am??"
"The truth can be hard to grapple with."
"I've seen Entity Alphas rip a human to shreds in seconds," you glare. "I've seen a Gamma boil my crewmate's skin off with their projectile acid venom. I've watched helplessly as Epsilons picked my crew off one by one, taking them alive and dragging them off to to god knows what kinds of horrors lay waiting in the nether. I assure you, whatever it is, I can handle it."
"That's not what I mean."
You swiftly draw your gun and aim it at Hoshi's forehead, switching the safety off.
"I don't appreciate you wasting my fucking time with your cryptic bullshit," you sneer. "Tell me whatever it is that's so important, or die. Your choice."
Hoshi laughs. An infuriatingly haughty chuckle, aggravated even further by the smug smirk spreading across his face. Your scowl deepens, but he just reclines in his chair, raising his hands and resting them behind his head, nonchalant and arrogant.
"Go ahead darling, shoot me," he shrugs. "I've wanted to blow my fucking brains out every single day for a very long time now. You'd only be doing me a favor. But just know that without me, you'll be dead within days."
Your jaw clenches. Unfortunately, you know he's probably right. You don't know how long Hoshi has been in Level 9, but if he's survived this long he certainly has knowledge that would be useful to you.
"Fine."
You switch the safety back on and lower your weapon.
"But call me darling again and I'm gonna start breaking fingers."
If your threat had any effect on him, his callous face shows no sign of it. Rising to his feet, he begins to quickly move to gather the documents on the table.
"For now I will give you a very basic rundown," he tells you, rolling the papers up and shoving them into a small metal canister retrieved from his pack. "But we can't risk staying here any longer. I'll tell you on the way to our next location. Grab any weapons you want," he instructs, pointing to the stockpile in the corner. "Good chance you'll need 'em."
You have dozens of burning questions, but you hold your tongue. You don't think Hoshi would answer any of them right now anyway.
"Anything I can do?" you inquire after arming yourself with an additional automatic rifle and several hand grenades.
"Collect the provisions from the kitchen," he orders as he folds up the safety blanket into his pack. "I'll be up in a minute."
You turn to head back up the stairs, but you are halted by Hoshi's hand grabbing your wrist. Turning to face him, his piercing eyes bore into yours.
"If anything looks out of place, run."
"What do you m—"
"I mean exactly that. Use your instincts. Your life depends on it now more than ever."
As much as you want to trust Hoshi, you don't. Something about him scares you. You're not sure what — but according to him, there's no time to stand around and think right now. It's either trust him, or fend for yourself. Neither is very appealing, but for the time being, you decide to do as he says.
"Understood," you reply bluntly. He releases your arm, and you proceed up the stairs.
As you saw before, there's not much in the cabinet. It takes you approximately thirty seconds to stow the provisions in your pack. You hear Hoshi's footsteps echoing as he climbs up the stairs; turning, you see him emerge from the dark basement, hauling his belongings and also wielding an automatic rifle. You're about to ask where it is exactly that you two are going, when you notice the houseplant in the hallway. It's a large fern, tall and leafy, and it definitely wasn't there before.
Hoshi's eyes dart to where yours are fixed, immediately registering the anomaly. He turns to tell you to run, but you have already bolted out the back door. He runs after you, following you as you kick down the fence gate with a single blow and bolt into the street.
"LEFT!" he shouts at your back. You turn left, sprinting down the center of the road off into the permanent suburban night. He's fast, advantaged by his height, but you're faster. He lengthens his strides, pushing onward, finally catching up to you at the next intersection.
"Stop!!" he orders, and you do. Back to back, you survey the streets around you. You're not entirely sure what it is you're looking for, but as far as you can see in every direction you find nothing. Intuition tells you you are safe — for now, at least.
"We're clear," Hoshi states. He lowers his gun a bit, but still grips it firmly. "For now."
He turns to face you, his sharp eyes locking onto you.
"You're very good at following orders," he says to you, but by the bitterness in his tone you can tell that it's not a compliment. He walks off, continuing straight down the same street.
You follow him for several blocks, walking a couple meters behind him without conversation, but you quickly begin to grow annoyed.
"What was that?"
"An Entity Zeta," he responds curtly, not bothering to turn around. You wait for him to elaborate, but of course he doesn't.
"And what exactly are the Zetas?" you inquire, speeding your pace to catch up to him. "What's their M.O.?"
His jaw clenches. "They're a hive mind," he answers bitterly. "A massive, interconnected colony of festering, insect-like creatures. Their M.O. is to stalk and ambush. They don't attack right away. They watch you, disguising themselves as familiar objects — waiting until you least expect it, striking when you're at your most vulnerable. If you feel safe for even a moment, you're not."
"And that houseplant was one of them."
"Yes."
"What would have happened?" you press. "If we hadn't ran away?"
"It would've erupted into a swarm of vermin and cleaned all the flesh off our bones within a minute tops."
"Oh."
"Yeah," he huffs. "'Oh' is right."
"Is there any way to fight back?"
"Depends how close they are. If they're too close, no. You either run or you're fucked. If they're further away, fire will deter them, but not for long. There's no true way of 'killing' them off — it'll just retreat back into the hive mind and regenerate."
"You say fire. Are grenades the best bet?"
"Grenades can be effective. But your best bet—" He slips his pack off his shoulder, pulling out an empty beer bottle with a rag sticking out of it. "Is one of these."
You raise your brow at the crude Molotov cocktail, but as you think about it it does makes a lot of sense.
"What do you use to ignite it?"
Hoshi reaches into the breast pocket of his cargo jacket, pulling out something small and tosses it at you. As you catch it, you see it's a matchbook.
"Here," he adds, extending the bottle in his hand to you. "Take this one."
You tuck the matchbook into your own pocket and slip the makeshift bomb into one of the external pockets on your pack.
"Thanks," you tell him amicably. "Hopefully I won't need it."
He glances at you out of the corner of his eye. He still wears the same scornful expression, but unless your eyes are deceiving you, it seems to have softened ever so slightly.
"You will."
You walk in silence again for a few moments. The question lingering on your mind nags at you, begging to be asked.
"Is your crew still around or is it just you?"
Hoshi stiffens. "Just me," he answers grimly.
"I'm sorry for your loss," you tell him sincerely, but he just scoffs. He continues onward, lips pursed tightly shut as he doesn't reply.
"Did they—"
"I don't want to talk about it," he sneers.
"Okay," you accept. "Sorry."
He says nothing. You go back to walking in silence.
At the next intersection, Hoshi turns right.
"Are we going to a specific location or are we just wandering until we find something?" you ask.
"Specific location. We're close."
You wonder if his bluntness is related to you bringing up his crew, ripping open a not-so-old wound. But in the short span of time you've known him, you've gathered this is just how he is.
"Here," he says a few blocks later, stopping in front of another perfectly nondescript house. He heads for the front door — you follow.
The house's interior is almost identical to the previous one you were in, bland and impersonal.
"I'll sweep upstairs. You take downstairs," he instructs, quickly disappearing up the stairs. You're not sure exactly what you're looking for, since the Zetas can apparently shape shift into anything, but you investigate anyway. The living room, dining room, kitchen, closets, and bathroom all seem fine. The last room to be checked sits behind a closed door; you swing it open, your gun at the ready — but you find nothing but an ordinary bedroom. You check its bathroom as well, but it too is clear.
Hoshi materializes in the doorway as you exit the bathroom.
"Upstairs is clear."
"Downstairs too," you inform him. "I can't believe this one has a real bed," you remark, a grin appearing on your face for the first time in god knows how long.
"They all do," he replies. You turn and give him a look.
"Then why were you sleeping in the basement in the other one?"
"It's not important."
You stare at him blankly for a moment, but then you just shrug.
"Well I'm sleeping here," you announce, plopping your pack down on the floor. "An actual bed, in the Backrooms. It's a goddamn miracle."
"Don't get too comfortable," Hoshi tells you dully, turning to exit the bedroom.
"Will we have to move again soon?" you inquire. He stops, looking back at you.
"It's likely."
"Is there a pattern to the Zetas' movement?" you ask, making him stop in his tracks again. He lets out a small sigh.
"Get some sleep," he says plainly, and then he leaves.
You're about to plop yourself on the bed and go right to sleep, but a thought crosses your mind. You step back into the bathroom, walking over to the shower and turning its knob. To your surprise, it actually turns on, an inviting stream of water spraying from the faucet.
"Holy shit," you mutter to yourself, a wide grin spreading across your face. You're about to begin undressing when an arm reaches from behind you and shuts the water off. You whip around abruptly, finding Hoshi's face hovering above yours. His broad stature towers over you — from this close up, he is even more intimidating than he already ways.
"What the hell?!" you bark at him.
"I told you," he glares down at you. "The Zetas will attack at your most vulnerable."
"I'll be fast."
"No," he insists, crossing his arms. "It's too risky."
"Oh come on," you groan. "I haven't taken a proper shower in ages. Let me have this."
"You're asking to get killed."
"Oh go fuck yourself," you roll your eyes, taking your shirt off anyway. Hoshi averts his eyes; you reach for the knob and turn the water back on. "I'll be five minutes."
"Fine," he grumbles. "I'll stand guard I fucking guess."
You're about to point out that you never asked him to do that, but you just shake your head. There's no point in arguing with him, it seems.
"Suit yourself."
He shuts the door behind him as he exits. You spend the next five minutes basking in the glory of a real, functioning shower. The water is cold, but you don't even care — as far as you're concerned this is the peak of luxury.
After, you exit the bathroom to retrieve the change of clothes from your pack. Sure enough, Hoshi is standing right outside the door; when he sees that you're naked, he quickly turns away.
"Could've given me a fucking warning," he mumbles under his breath.
"Sorry," you say uninterestedly as you get dressed again. "I wasn't about to put those filthy clothes back on."
"I'm dressed now," you announce about a minute later.
"Great."
He starts to walk out of the room when you grab him by the shoulder.
"You should take a shower, too."
"I'm fine," he responds, trying to walk away, but you cling to his shirt, yanking at it to spin him back around.
"Take a fucking shower," you glare at him. "Give me your gun, I'll be on watch."
He grits his teeth, but to your surprise he stomps back into the bathroom.
"I'm not giving you my gun. Use your own."
The door slams shut behind him. You grin as you hear the water turn back on, picking up your weapon and stationing yourself beside the door.
Eight minutes later the ambient rush of the water dissipates. Hoshi appears a few moments later, marching out of the bathroom and making a beeline for the door. You consider teasing him for taking so long, but you are promptly distracted by his stark lack of clothing. He wears only his underwear and headband, the rest of his clothes balled up in his fist sopping wet as he walks out of the room. It was clear from the moment you met him that he had a strong build — but seeing him shirtless, water droplets beading down his back between the crevices of his muscles, very much takes you by surprise.
"See? Wasn't that nice?" you call out to him. He turns back around, his thick pectorals also glistening with water despite the darkness of the room. He stares at you intensely, but the harshness which you've grown accustomed to from him has seemed to mellow slightly.
"Goodnight, Commander l/n," he says calmly, exiting the room and closing the door behind him.
You wake about eight hours later. Level 9 has no daylight, so there's no such thing as a true morning — but for the first time in months you actually feel refreshed. You don't know when was the last time you slept this long in one go. Certainly well before your time in the Backrooms.
You find Hoshi in the kitchen, eating beans straight from a can. He still wears a deeply wearied look, but he too seems like he slept well.
"I was just about to wake you," he states, extending the can of beans to you. "You should eat."
You gladly accept the can of beans, spooning a large bite into your mouth.
"I don't know when the last time I had real food was," you comment gleefully as you chew. "All I have left is the dehydrated powder shit and calorie pills."
"We seem to have been the last crew sent in with canned goods," he tells you. "The Company shifted to processed nutrient provisions after us. Cheap bastards."
Your lips twitch into a grin. Getting a full night's rest has seemingly done wonders for the man's demeanor. You consider commenting on it, but you figure he wouldn't appreciate that very much, and the last thing you want to do is piss him off even a little. But, you do still have about a thousand questions for him.
"What were they like?" you ask, treading carefully. "Your crew. You haven't told me much about them."
Hoshi tenses up, a cold expression washing over his face.
"I don't see how it's relevant."
"Okay," you nod acceptingly, not wanting to aggravate him. "How about you then?"
He narrows his eyes at you, confused. "What about me?"
"I don't know, anything. What's your rank?"
"What's it to you?" he cocks his head at you.
"Just trying to make conversation, damn. Sorry," you spit. Irritated, you turn to walk away. You're nearly out of the kitchen when he decides to answer.
"First Officer," he says, his voice less harsh this time. You turn back around; he's still staring at you sternly, but he no longer seems hostile.
"Oh shit, really?" you ask, surprised but interested. "Me too."
"I thought you were Commander," he frowns, wondering if you lied to him before.
"Only after an Epsilon got our initial Commander," you reply, trying not to relive that memory too much.
"Oh. I see," he says quietly, accepting your answer.
"But I suppose rank doesn't mean much of anything anymore," you comment neutrally. "Not when you're the last remaining crewmate."
"I suppose not."
"Well, First Officer Hoshi," you say as you finish off the beans. "What's our course of action for today?"
Hoshi lets out a bewildered laugh. You raise your brow at him, but he just shakes his head.
"Hoshi isn't my real name," he explains. "We all had nicknames, me and my crew."
"What is your name, then?" you ask, genuinely curious, but the minute amount of warmth present in his face quickly fades.
"That's not important."
"That seems to be your answer for everything."
"That's because most things are no longer important," he responds coolly. "Not if you're to survive Level 9."
With that, he departs the kitchen. You sigh. It's exasperating dealing with Hoshi — but you decide to follow him.
"You didn't answer my question," you remind him as you join him in the dining room. He is sitting at the table, notebooks and tablets and maps strewn across its surface just as they were in the previous house's basement.
"What question?"
"I asked you what our course of action is."
"Our course of action is to not die," he states.
You roll your eyes. "Yeah, no shit. I mean, is there anything I can do to help?"
"No."
"That can't possibly be true."
He glances up at you, sharp eyes locking into your gaze. Every time, it's intimidating.
"You don't have the intel needed to be of use here."
He says it matter-of-factly, without contempt, but you're still irked by his unintentional rudeness.
"Well, you could fill me in," you suggest, but he just waves his hand at you dismissively.
"That would take too long."
"It's not like we have anything else to do!" you point out, growing annoyed.
"Fine! Here," he barks, grabbing a handful of the maps and shoving them toward you. "Study these."
"Thank you," you say curtly, snatching them from his hand and marching out of the room.
You spend the next few hours studying Hoshi's maps of Level 9. For the most part, they are incomprehensible, and you genuinely start to wonder if he might just be insane. Eventually you bury your head in your hands, groaning with frustration. A few moments later, you sense movement, coming from behind you. You reach for your gun and jump to your feet, swiveling around and pointing the weapon, but it's just Hoshi.
"Fucking hell, don't sneak up on me like that!" you chastise him.
"Apologies." He extends to you an additional piece of paper; you take it, seeing an assortment of keys, diagrams, and notes. "This should help you understand the maps better."
"Gee, thanks, this would've been really helpful several hours ago," you say sardonically as you scan the sheet.
"I made it just now."
"Oh," you reply, lifting your gaze to meet his. "Well, thank you."
He gives you a single nod, spinning on his heel and retreating back to the dining room.
With Hoshi's new notes, you're quickly able to start making sense of the maps. What had previously looked like the scribblings of a madman turn into a vastly complex mathematical schematic depiction of the known areas of Level 9. You're still on the fence about whether the man is insane, but one thing becomes very clear: he's a fucking genius.
A few more hours and your brain is aching from overuse. When the maps start to become convoluted, you decide to call it quits. You gather the papers and return them to Hoshi in the dining room; he's in the exact same spot he was hours ago, poring over some sort of document on his tablet.
"Thank you for the notes," you tell him as you set the maps on one of the few empty spots on the tabletop. "They really helped me start to make sense of things."
"You're welcome," Hoshi replies, the polite words feeling awkward rolling off his tongue. It's been a long time since he's had a casual conversation with anybody that didn't involve giving or receiving orders.
"I'm going to sleep now," you inform him.
"Okay."
"Goodnight, Hoshi," you say cordially.
He simply nods. You figure that's about as much as you're going to get out of him; as you walk out of the room, you hear his voice echo calmly from behind you.
"Goodnight."
As you sleep you have a nightmare.
It's a recurring one — one you've been having for a while now. In it, you're wielding a gun, but it's not like the ones you carry with you in the Backrooms. It's a .45 handgun, and you're frantically reloading it as you crouch behind something that resembles a desk. Your hands are shaky and covered in blood, but it doesn't appear to be yours. A curly-haired man is perched beside you, reloading his own pistol. He's wounded, appearing to have been grazed by a bullet in the arm, one of his glasses lenses half-shattered, but he appears determined; he signals to you to advance.
"Go!! I'll cover you!" he mutters to you under his breath.
"I don't feel very good about this anymore," you reply, cocking your gun. He looks at you somberly, but you can tell he understands.
"Me neither," he says, then smiles at you. "If I don't see you again, it's been a pleasure working with you."
You grin back. "Likewise," you reply.
"On my signal," he tells you. You take a deep breath, shifting to prepare yourself to make a run for it.
"Three… two… one… GO!!!"
You jump to your feet and hurdle yourself over the desk, coming face to face with three men in full riot gear and guns much bigger and scarier than yours. A shot rings out from behind you as your companion shoots at the nearest one — he hits him, and the armed man collapses to the ground. You manage to yank the ballistic shield out of his hands as you pass, wielding it as you sprint toward the emergency exit that the remaining two men are blocking. You hold your fire, focusing on protecting yourself from their bullets with the shield. To your surprise you manage to make it all the way to them without getting hit. You shoot one of them in the leg as you ram the other with the shield as hard as you can — it's enough to knock him over slightly, giving you a chance to shoot at him once before you throw yourself against the door. It opens into a maintenance hallway, its concrete walls and flooring sallowly lit by sparse fluorescent lighting. You bolt toward the left, running as fast as you possibly can muster, hoping to escape before they come after you; but the hallway is vast and open, with no places to hide. Suddenly you are surrounded, flanked by a dozen armed men who seemed to materialize from the walls. One of them shoves you to the ground, your knees slamming into the floor. A siren wails hauntingly in the distance, your ears pound with the rushing blood coursing through your veins, your breathing harsh and erratic. You hear the sound of a rifle cocking into position behind your head, and then—
"Commander! Wake up!"
You bolt upright, finding yourself in the bedroom again. Hoshi hovers above the bed, staring down at you— a menacing sight to wake up to, but not worse than the dream you were having.
"We have to go," he tells you urgently. "Pack your shit as fast as you can."
You don't question him. The alarm in his voice is enough to light a fire under you, and within a minute you've gathered your things. Hoshi reappears in the doorway as you finish lacing your boots.
"Come on," he orders. You hurry after him, following him out the front door into the never-ending suburban night. You run for several blocks, turning down a new street a few times, but soon he begins to slow his pace.
"We should be safe now," he tells you. "But don't let your guard down."
He continues, walking along the sidewalk with his weapon at the ready.
"There's another house nearby. We'll be there soon."
You nod, walking beside him silently for a minute or two.
"How do you know where to go?" you decide to ask. "Like how do you know where is safe?"
He turns, facing you as he speaks. You notice that this is the first time he's done so.
"I've been tracking Zeta movement for long enough now that I can recognize their patterns," he explains. "Once one is activated in one area, there seems to be a recovery period before they can strike within the vicinity again. They also seem to stick to certain paths, though I have no idea why. I assume it has to do with the physical logistics of the hive mind network."
"Damn, you're really fucking smart," you tell him. "Not that I thought you were stupid," you add.
"I used to be an engineer," he replies gruffly.
"What?! How did you end up in a tactical unit then?"
He lets out a bitter laugh. "That's a long story. We turn left here."
"I'm all ears," you try, following him as he turns down the next street.
"Maybe later, when we—"
He stops in his tracks, thrusting his hand out in front of you and forcing you to halt too. Ahead of you are several dozen mailboxes — the blue collection receptacles that you would typically find at a street corner. It occurs to you that you've never seen a mailbox in Level 9 before, but these aren't just posted on the sidewalk — they're on the sidewalks, in the yards, in the middle of the street. All of them seeming to be turned toward you, facelessly staring you down with sinister intent.
"Shit," Hoshi hisses as he frantically reaches for one of the grenades clipped to his pack. He pulls the pin with his teeth and launches it toward the nearest cluster of mailboxes, but it doesn't go off. You reach for the grenades on your own pack, but as you do so one of the blue boxes close to you begins to turn into static, coming to life in a festering swarm and growing tall and sprawling and disgusting. You toss your first grenade, swinging your rifle back into your hands and firing into the mass. It seems to hinder it slightly, making it squeal, but the explosion of the grenade does significantly more damage. It begins to retreat into itself, but two others near Hoshi start to shift into their true form. His second grenade goes off, holding them off momentarily as they let out a grating screech, but the rest of the Zetas are already activating. Remembering the bottle Hoshi had given you, you grab it from your pack.
"Cover me!!" you shout to him as you kneel. Setting the bottle on the ground you reach into your pocket, digging around for the matchbook. Hoshi fires a stream of bullets into the Zeta currently charging toward you; you almost panic, unable to find the matches, but finally your fingers locate the small paper packet. You pry one of the matches off and strike it, holding it to the rag sticking out of the bottle. For a horrible moment you're not sure there's even anything flammable inside it — but giving it a good shake you hear something sloshing around in there. Saying a silent prayer you try the match again, and this time it ignites. A fucking miracle.
"Incoming!!!" you yell to Hoshi. He ducks, and you throw the Molotov cocktail as hard as you can toward the center of the largest cluster of Zetas. The bottle shatters on impact with the pavement, igniting into a massive fireball and engulfing the Entities. The flames spread quickly to the others, extracting a cacophonous symphony of horrible screeches as they all begin to burn — the one weakness of being a hive mind, you suppose.
"RUN!!" Hoshi screams. He takes off in the opposite direction, with you sprinting right behind him. As you dash across the intersection you hear a thunderous BOOOOOOOOM bellow out from behind you. The sound of the Zetas' awful squeals swells, and then disappears, returning the street into silence aside from the crackling of the spreading fire and the pounding of you and Hoshi's boots upon the pavement. You steal a glance back, but there's no mailboxes or Zetas in sight — just the flames lighting up the block with an ominous orange glow.
"Are we clear?" you ask Hoshi through labored breaths. He slows down, walking now instead of running. Turning to look behind him, he nods approvingly.
"Yeah, we're good."
"For now," you add.
"For now," he agrees.
"Where to now?" you inquire as he continues down the street, seeming to know exactly where he's going. He lets out a long sigh.
"My crew's original base camp is not far," he says bitterly. His tone sounds reluctant, and you get the sense he does not want to return to this location — but he knows it's the smartest option.
You turn right a few blocks later, and the base camp comes into view. The tall makeshift fence surrounding the house makes it glaringly obvious where you're headed.
"Damn," you comment as you and Hoshi approach the gate, staring up in awe at what looks to be like electrical wiring rigged on top of and all over the scrapped-together fencing. "This is impressive."
Hoshi doesn't reply. He fiddles with the gate's crude latch, letting the both of you in and shutting it again behind you.
"Let's see if we can light this shit back up," he mutters, stepping up to the tangled assembly of wires beside the gate. He fiddles with it for a minute, a low humming sound filling the air as the electricity comes back on. You look at him in amazement; he gives you a slight smirk.
"I told you, engineer," he says nonchalantly, brushing past you and heading into the house.
You were expecting another lifeless interior, like the past houses, but your eyes widen with surprise as you step through the door. The house does have the same style of bland furnishings as seen before, but scattered everywhere are various belongings: clothes strewn over the couch, papers and notebooks atop the coffee table and floor, empty cans and rations packs discarded haphazardly all around. Most prominent though are the spray painted walls — playful graffiti scribbled alongside what appears to be basic map outlines. You realize you haven't seen this much color, this much life, in a long fucking time; the thought nearly makes you emotional, but you quickly shake it off.
"Do you mind if I sleep now?" you question.
"Sure," Hoshi responds, dropping his pack in the middle of the room and plopping himself onto the couch. "We'll be safe here for a while."
"Great," you reply with a relieved grin, excited at the prospect of getting to sleep in a bed again. You head toward the door that appears to be the master bedroom.
"No!!" Hoshi shouts as you go to open the door. He leaps off the couch and gets between you and the doorway, blocking you from entering.
"Don't fucking touch it," he spits angrily.
"Okay, okay!" you say as you swiftly back up, raising your hands in the air apologetically. "I won't, I'm sorry."
He's glaring at you, but his face quickly drops, his irate expression shifting into one of sorrow.
"Take the room with the blue door upstairs," he orders you quietly. "At the end of the hall."
"Okay," you agree gently. As you turn to go up the staircase, you hear him sigh deeply.
"It was my Commander's room."
You look back over your shoulder. Hoshi stands before the door still, arms crossed and staring down at the floor.
"Were you close?" you ask softly.
"Yes."
"I'm sorry," you tell him with sincerity. He nods, saying nothing. You stand there for a few more moments, watching him, wondering if you should say anything else. But you don't; you continue up the stairs without another word, leaving him be.
Sure enough, the room at the end of the hallway sits behind a door spray-painted bright blue. You enter, finding a standard looking bedroom covered in a similar disarray to what was present downstairs. Even with the mess, it feels surprisingly cozy.
You drop your bag to the ground, removing your boots and flopping onto the bed. You're asleep before you can even bother getting under the covers.
As usual, you wake up to darkness. You never thought you would miss daylight this much, but the lack of distinction between day and night in the Backrooms, quite frankly, fucking sucks.
You decide to go downstairs to get something to eat. As you drag yourself out of bed, you see something flutter off the nightstand and onto the floor. You pick up the small piece of paper; it's very wrinkled, edges tattered and slightly torn, but you see that it's a photo. Flipping it over, you see a group of eight people, bright faces smiling with enthusiasm and laughter. Many are holding beer bottles, raising them to the camera with cheers. Hoshi's face pops out to you immediately, but the huge beaming grin on his face makes him looks drastically different, as does the distinct lack of scarring across his cheek. One man in the middle of the group seems to be the central focus of the photo — he holds a cake with lit candles on it, the others pointing at him gleefully.
This must be his crew, you think to yourself. You figure the man in the middle is probably his Commander; it appears to have been his birthday in the photo. You tuck the photo into your pocket, careful not to rip it any further.
Traipsing down the stairs, you spot Hoshi crashed face down into the couch, fast asleep. Carefully you wake up him, patting at his shoulder gently. He flies off the couch, making you nearly jump out of your skin.
"Fucking hell!" you instinctively shout in reaction. Calmer, you add "It's just me."
Hoshi stands before you, looking frazzled, the bandana around his head askew and partially covering one of his eyes. He blinks, realizing you are not a threat. He relaxes slightly, adjusting the headband back into place and sitting back down on the couch with a thump.
"Sorry," he mutters, a yawn overtaking him.
"It's fine. Why didn't you sleep in a bed?" you inquire.
"You were in my bed," he states plainly.
"What?" you say with a laugh. "There's more beds in this house—"
"The couch is fine," he insists firmly. You roll your eyes, but you don't press it any further.
An unopened can of what appears to be beef chili sitting on a nearby shelf catches your eye.
"Mind if I open this?" you ask Hoshi, showing him the can. "We can share."
His face seems to lighten up at the prospect of something besides beans or nutrient powder. "Fine with me," he nods, getting up and walking into the next room. "Here, there's probably some utensils in the kitchen still."
He returns with a very bent metal spoon and a fork that is missing a prong. You sit at opposite ends of the couch, passing the can of chili back and forth as you eagerly devour it.
"As far as I'm concerned," you say, breaking the silence as you shovel a spoonful of the stew into your mouth, "this is a gourmet fucking meal."
Hoshi takes the can as you hand it to him. It disappears in a flash, but the briefest hint of a grin appears on his face for a split second.
"Can I ask you about your crew?" you say delicately after a minute or so of silence. You know it's clearly sensitive topic for him, but you have a feeling he might be more open to talking about them now that he seems to trust you at least a little bit.
Hoshi stares down at the can in his hand, mindlessly stirring the chili with his fork.
"I'm not sure why you want to know about them so bad," he says quietly.
You consider whether you should for a moment, but you decide to ask him about the photo. Carefully removing it from your pocket, you show him the tattered photograph. His expression changes, the coldness disappearing from his face, replaced by wistfulness and regret.
"I found this in your room. I assume this is them?"
He takes it from you, staring at the eight smiling faces in the photo.
"Yeah, that's them."
"This was from before your expedition," you comment, looking at him for confirmation. He gives you a small nod. The room falls silent again, and you accept that that's the most you're probably ever going to get out of him. You start to get up, figuring you should leave him alone.
"It was the week before we set out."
You freeze. Sitting back into the couch, you look over at him again. He's still staring at the picture.
"It was our Commander's 30th birthday," he continues. "His name was Laughlin, but we all called him Blaze. He accidentally started a fire once in the middle of a training course, and the name stuck."
A smile appears on Hoshi's face. It's subtle, but it's a real, genuine smile.
"Tell me about your past," he says, turning to face you.
"My past?" you respond, thrown off by the sudden request. "Um, well I started out at Axiom training in the Research Department, but then I was switched over to Tactical—"
"No," Hoshi cuts you off. "I don't mean that. I mean before Axiom."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean what you did prior to joining the Company. Your job, your hobbies, your family, anything."
"Well, I…" you start to tell him, but your mind spins. You rack your brain, trying to picture your life before all this, but you're completely drawing a blank.
"I… can't remember?" you say quietly. You think about your parents, your mom, your dad. You know they exist — so why can't you picture their faces? You try to think about your siblings, but did you even have any? You don't know.
Your heart starts to pound in your chest. You jump to your feet, beginning to pace around the room.
"Why can't I remember?" you whisper, barely audible. You suddenly feel very dizzy.
"It's okay, don't panic," he tells you calmly. But it's too late — your chest has already tightened, and you feel like you're going to throw up. You don't know what else to do, so you bolt upstairs.
"Commander!" Hoshi calls after you, but with your heartbeat pounding in your ears you barely hear him. You run back into the bedroom, slamming the blue door shut behind you. You fall to the ground, your back to the door as you try to steady your breathing. You don't ever remember having panic attacks before, but then again you apparently don't remember anything at all.
You hear the doorknob turn above your head. Hoshi tries to open the door, but it doesn't budge with you slumped against it. He pounds on the door, the knocks thumping against your back.
"Let me in," he insists, but you barely even hear him. He sighs, turning the knob again and forcing the door open with his body weight. It opens enough for him to slip inside; he picks you up off the ground, lifting you with ease and carrying you across the room. He sets you on the bed, sitting down beside you.
"Hey, breathe," he instructs, shaking you gently but firmly. It brings you back to reality a bit; your eyes are able to focus on your surroundings again. "Take a deep breath, you're starting to hyperventilate."
You do as he says, inhaling and exhaling slowly several times. Finally, the panic dissipates. You turn to look at Hoshi beside you.
"Why can't I remember?" you ask again, your voice wavering. He sighs.
"It's a long story, but I'll explain. Do you remember what you told me about Axiom's history before?"
You nod. That was only a few days prior, but it feels like ages ago.
"Well, most of everything you said is true. But there's more — secrets they kept from you and me and almost everybody. There's a reason you don't remember anything about your past: nobody does. And there's good reason for it. Because if the truth got out, the Company would go down in flames."
"That's what you said before, 'the truth'," you recall.
"I wasn't lying when I said it's a tough pill to swallow," he reminds you. "I didn't want to believe it at first, either. But it all goes back to the initial discovery of the Backrooms. It was an accident, a byproduct of a top-secret government experiment conducted as part of research efforts to create a new weapon of mass destruction — one that would make the atomic bomb look like child's play. Word got out, spreading to various government agencies, and people were pissed. Almost everyone opposed the development of the new bomb, so they said they were halting the research. But they lied. A whistleblower eventually exposed them, leading to a massive strike amongst the scientists and engineers working on classified government projects. But the government didn't budge — they executed the whistleblower, hoping to instill fear that would lead to compliance, but it backfired. It instigated an uprising, the scientists and researchers fighting back, but despite their numbers they were no match for the militarized response units. Those who weren't killed were imprisoned and forced into menial labor. That's when Axiom comes along — the 'wealthy donors' it boasts of as its founders were on the government's payroll. The Company was founded as a ruse, pretending to be a neutral third party purely interested in the research, but they quickly rounded up the prisoners to use for their dirty work. But even with brute force and violence, the scientists refused to work. They knew they couldn't just kill them all off — they were far too valuable of assets. So they came up with an alternative solution: implant a neural chip in everyone's heads. The chip repressed memories, and with that they had a blank slate of brilliant minds to brainwash into compliance. Those who were least valuable were sent into the Backrooms first, guinea pigs sent off to their deaths. Once the imprisoned scientists were milked of their knowledge and no longer useful for research purposes, they shipped them off to training for the tactical units to send on their little expeditions. Smart, obedient, but also disposable — it was the perfect source of labor for the job."
You stare blankly at Hoshi, processing everything he just told you. I was right, you think to yourself. He is actually insane.
"You don't believe me," he observes.
"How do you expect me to believe… all that?? This is ridiculous."
"Think about it," he insists. "What other explanation could there be for you not remembering anything pre-Axiom?"
"I don't know!" you shout in frustration, rising to your feet as you begin to pace again. "But surely there's a much more likely explanation than that—"
Hoshi stands, grabbing your shoulder and spinning you back around to face him. He glares down at you, an intense fiery gaze, as he grasps onto your wrists tightly. Your heart begins to pound again in fear — you're stuck here, deep in the fucking Backrooms, in the clutch of a crazy delusional man. What if he kills you? What if this is the end?
He raises your right hand to your head, pressing your fingers into your scalp above your right ear. As he pushes further, you feel something… sharp. It's small, but you wince as it nearly pricks your finger.
"There's your truth," he says quietly. You stare up at him, wide-eyed with disbelief.
"How… how did you figure this out?"
He lets go of your right hand; with his free hand he removes the bandana tied around his forehead, sliding if off his head and dropping it to the floor.
"Look," he says, tilting his head to the side. You let out a soft gasp. Above his right ear, previously concealed by the bandana, is a large, deep gash. It's old enough to be mostly healed, thick scar tissue filling in the wound, but you can tell it's still somewhat recent.
"What happened?" you whisper.
"An Alpha tried to rip my head off," he smirks. "I was fast enough to avoid death, but it still got me pretty good."
He lifts your left hand, drawing it in to the scar. You resist, trying to pull your hand away, but he doesn't let go.
"It's okay, it doesn't hurt," he assured you. "In fact I can't even feel anything there."
He guides your fingers into a groove in the healed skin. As he presses them into his head you feel a similar sharp sensation, but smaller, and more of them.
"I guess it hit me just right," he says with a slight huff of a laugh. "It broke the chip, and suddenly I remembered everything. I was free again. Except, of course I'm not really. I'm still stuck in this fucking hellscape. Some days I wish I had never learned the truth — it would be less painful that way."
The truth. You think back to your recurring dream. What if it wasn't a dream at all, but a memory?
You suddenly realize how close you are to him right now. It should be far too intimate, but you don't want to move for a second.
"Did you tell your crew?" you ask him.
"Yes. Fortunately, they believed me. One by one we helped each other remove the chips. None of us were surgeons, so that part was a bit rough," he grimaces. "But once they were gone, they too remembered everything. The only—"
He stops himself. That part isn't important, you don't need to know about it. But for some reason, he decides to tell you anyway.
"The only member of our crew who didn't remove their chip was Blaze."
"Your Commander," you affirm softly. He nods. "Why not?"
"I don't know," he admits. "I don't know much about his past — but think some part of his unconscious mind remembered something, something too painful experience all over again. I tried to convince him several times, but he didn't want to. So I respected that. But then we made it to Level 9. We'd only lost one crew member up until that point, but the Zetas started to pick us off one by one. Before long, it was just him and I left. He told me he decided he wanted to remove his chip. I was going to do it that night, once we got back to base camp, but he didn't make it back."
Without thinking, you cradle his face in your palm. He inhales sharply, looking into your eyes with equal parts surprise and want.
"I'm so sorry," you whisper. He reaches up to take your wrist in his grasp again, rubbing his thumb slowly over the back of your hand. His eyes close as his head drops, his forehead falling against yours.
"You don't have to be sorry," he mutters. Opening his eyes again, he meets your gaze. Your heart palpitates in your chest, the intimacy making you ache with need. Then, you kiss him.
Your lips crash into his, leaving him momentarily stunned, but quickly his hands drop to your sides, grasping at your waist urgently as he kisses you back. Your hands cling to his face as you press your body into him; he lets out a soft moan into your mouth, making your core throb. His arms squeeze around your torso, drawing you in as close as possible, hands wandering desperately as he eagerly explores every curve of your body. You wrap your arms around his head, clinging to him as you grind against him.
"Fuck," he groans against your lips. Suddenly you are lifted in the air as he picks you up, carrying you back to the bed where he lays you down gently. He crawls on top of you; your legs instinctively open, wrapping around his hips as he presses his weight into you. You pull him back into a kiss, hungrily tugging at his lips once more. You push your hips up against him, your center greeted by a stiffening bulge and drawing another moan out of him.
You sigh as his mouth wanders to your chin, kissing along your jawline up to your earlobe and nipping at it; his lips return to your neck, planting soft, slow pecks into the delicate skin as he works his way down to your collarbone. Your soft whines are driving him insane already; he abruptly sits up, taking off his shirt. He reaches for yours as well, prying it over your head and dropping it to the floor. He makes quick work of your bra, discarding it aside and immediately grasping at your breasts, tugging and kneading the soft flesh in his hands while pinching your nipples between his fingers.
"You're amazing, so fucking hot," he praises. He steals another kiss before hopping up and tugging at your waistband. You hurriedly unbutton your pants, wriggling out of them as he follows suit. As he slips his pants down his thighs his cock comes into view, erect and red with anticipation; the mere sight of it makes your mouth water.
He reaches for your bare pussy as he lays down beside you; you whine softly as his fingers discover the pooling wetness present between your legs.
"God, you're so fucking wet, fuck…"
You let out a moan as his fingers slip inside you, lazily working them in and out of your pussy, your slick collecting on his hand and glistening in the dim lighting.
"That's it, let me hear you baby," he encourages. You let go, moaning unrestrained as you let your hips rock to his touch, grinding your clit against the heel of his hand. It feels incredible, like you never want him to stop touching you.
"Fuck," he hisses through gritted teeth. He leans over, licking your nipple with the tip of his tongue. He starts to swirl his tongue around it, eliciting a string of whimpering from you, curling his fingertips to press against your g-spot.
"Oh my god," you groan, your head falling back onto the pillow.
"So pretty, so perfect," he croons, switching to your other nipple, wetting it with his saliva and dragging his tongue in circles around the bud.
"Feels so good," you mutter breathily, your body writhing as a burning heat swells in your gut.
"Go on, cum for me baby, I wanna see."
He wraps his lips around your nipple, latching on as he sucks on it, his hand speeding its pace. You feel your release wash over you, whining as you cum on his fingers, their deep strokes sending thick pulses of pleasure through your whole body. He slows as you do, releasing his mouth from your breast and lifting his head so he can kiss you again, long and slow, so he can savor it. He slips his fingers out of you, sticking them in his mouth and lapping up your juices, moaning at the taste of you.
You've barely caught your breath when he rolls over on top of you. His tip brushes against your wet cunt; he strokes it up and down over your folds a few times before pressing into your entrance. His cock slips inside, making you gasp, slowly filling you with his whole length.
"Ready?" he asks softly. You nod eagerly, eyes begging him to fuck you. He drags his cock out of you, almost all the way, then plunges it back in, watching himself disappear inside you. The sight is tantalizing, but his eyes meet yours again, falling deep into your gaze as he fucks you with slow, measured strokes. Your arms snake around his torso, clinging to the warm skin of his back as he presses his forehead into yours, his breath becoming more labored with each accelerating thrust. Your shift your hips forward, allowing his cock to reach even deeper inside you, eliciting a string of moans from your throat.
"Fuck, you feel so good," he whispers, lips hovering above yours as his eyes remained locked with yours. "Never wanna leave this pussy."
"Please don't stop," you beg, voice breathy and desperate.
"I won't baby."
He fucks you with burning desire, each powerful stroke sending a delicious shockwave through your body. You cling to him tight, drawing him in even further into a passionate embrace. He groans, savoring the divine way your body squishes against his.
"You're amazing," he mutters into your mouth, frantic kisses placed upon your lips as he tries not to cum just yet — but it's an impossible feat. "Such a perfect little pussy, gonna fill you up baby. Gonna make you nice and full with my cum."
"Please," you whine.
"Keep begging for it, pretty girl," he hums, beginning to lose composure.
"I want your cum," you plead. "Want you to cum inside me and fill me up."
"God, that's so fucking hot," he growls.
"Your cock feels so good," you continue babbling, mind spinning so much you can no longer think straight. "I want you to fuck me every day for the rest of my life."
"I will, baby, I will."
His hand caresses your cheek, rubbing at the warm skin with his thumb as he stares into your watering eyes — utterly intoxicated by you.
"I'm cumming," he groans. "Ohhhh…"
With a series of grunts he releases, powerful ropes of cum shooting up into you as his cock throbs against your squeezing walls. After several bursts he slows, his cock stilling deep inside your cunt as his heavy breaths fall against your lips. He collapses, laying his weight on you as he tucks his head into the crook of your neck. You drag your fingertips up and down his back, delicately dancing across his hot skin and rippling muscles.
"Fuck," he mumbles into the mattress, making you smile. He eventually lifts his head up, kissing you again. "You're incredible."
He slowly pulls his cock out of you, rolling over to your side taking you in his arms. He rests his hand on your belly, planting gentle kisses on your cheek as he holds you.
"Tell me your name," he hums softly into your ear after a few silent minutes.
"It's y/n," you reply, falling into a deep relaxation in his embrace. "Tell me your name."
"Soonyoung," he says quietly.
You lay together, the uncomfortable silence of Level 9 forgotten as the sounds of your breathing and the thumps of your heartbeats fill the air. Eventually, you're unsure whether he's fallen asleep beside you.
"Do you ever think we'll get out of here?" you try anyway.
"No," he replies plainly.
"Why keep going then?"
He thinks for a while. "I don't know," he finally says. "I've been stuck in here so long that this is all I know anymore."
"Do you dream of going back, to your life before?"
You feel him shake his head. "Those are such distant memories at this point. Sometimes I don't even know if they are real or if it's all in my head."
You think back to before, when you questioned whether he was insane and delusional. You think you believe him, about Axiom, about the chip in your head — though, something inside you still isn't entirely convinced. But you're not even sure if any of that matters at this point.
"But it doesn't matter," he continues. "I'm here now, and I can't go back. The only way is forward."
"Does that mean you're trying to find Level 10?" you ask.
"I know where a Null Zone is," he replies.
Surprised, you turn to look at him. "Why haven't you gone yet?"
He sighs. "I lost hope after my I lost my crew. I didn't want to walk further into hell by myself. But I couldn't bring myself to end it all either — so here I am, stuck here in limbo."
You gaze at him, a soft smile appearing on your face. He stares back at you, hopeful.
"I'll go with you," you say quietly. He smiles again — another true smile. You think it suits him well.
pairings: bad boy!soonyoung x good girl!reader
genre: mdni, smut, au
warnings: hoshi teaches reader the importance of a safe word, mentions of weed, inexperienced reader, experienced hoshi, reader gets head for the first time, reader is a people pleaser, pussy eating, praise if you squint, MULTIPLE orgasms (seven to be exact), crying from pleasure, overstimulation, squirting
word count: 6.5k
synopsis: soonyoung considers himself to be an expertise at many things — pussy eating, is one of them.
sidenote: reader is close childhood friends with ALL of seventeen. i will be writing other members with this particular oc as well. so much lore!! this is a series :) feel free to drop into my inbox and ask questions !! hoshi is in fact my bias so i did get carried away with this one. between this installment and the last one, i’ve taken two eight week literature courses so hopefully my writing has improved. my brain is working overtime right now, i just finished an essay for a class in a few hours and grinded to get this out for you guys !!
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“Do you know what a safe word is?” Soonyoung’s voice cuts through the air, taking you by surprise.
You whip your head towards him, eyebrows furrowed. “A safe word?”
“Mhm,” He hums, briefly glancing up. He sits on a desk chair, facing you as he rolls a blunt to perfection. His tongue darts out to slowly lick the paper and your thighs unconsciously press together at the sight.
“What’s that?”
Soonyoung sighs, a small chuckle escaping his lips as he sets the rolling tray aside. He leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees, taking his time to examine you. “Do you want to find out?” He asks, voice dangerously low.
You can feel the air shift, his tone making your skin prickle. You tilt your head to the side, lips forming into a pout from confusion. “Okay,” You agree with a shrug.
Soonyoung’s lips quirk slightly. He nods his head slowly, scanning you from head to toe. Your cotton shorts rode up way too high, especially with your position on the bed, and your thin white tank top didn’t do much to hide your nipples through the fabric.
You’d opted out of wearing a bra today and needless to say — oblivious to you — all the boys had noticed.
His eyes settle back on yours and you fidget under his gaze. It was strong and intense, almost as if he was practically undressing you.
Soonyoung’s always had sharp eyes filled with intimidation, but they’ve softened over time. At least — for you.
He rolls his chair over to the edge of the bed, right in front of where you sat. Even sitting down, only a few feet apart, he still towered over your small frame.
Your heartbeat quickens, breath hitching as he leans forward. Soonyoung cocks his head to the side as he inches closer, smirking the slightest when he notices your composure beginning to crumble and fall. You were never good at holding it together, but that’s why the boys were always there — to catch you just in case you fall.
And damn, are you falling in deep right now.
His hand smooths over your arm, causing goosebumps to rise as he trails it upwards to cup the side of your face gently. His fingers thread through your hair, getting a better grip so he’s able to maneuver your head to the side. As soon as he gets you exactly where he wants you, his lips are on yours.
He doesn’t hesitate, and he certainly doesn’t take it easy on you. The kiss is heavy and urgent, with a fierce passion behind it — an intensity that sends a jolt of electricity coursing straight through your veins. His lips move with purpose, the hand on the back of your head drawing you impossibly closer to him.
You try to match his fervor, but staying true to your nature, your movements are slower and deliberate. You’re sensual where he’s demanding, your tenderness creating a perfect tension that neither of you has the will to break. Your pace grounds him, and Soonyoung can’t help but release a low groan.
Jeonghan was right.
You kiss like an angel — intoxicating.
He takes the lead as expected. You sigh softly when he traces his tongue along your bottom lip. His hand settles on your thigh, slowly sliding higher. You feel his fingertips slip just beneath the edge of your shorts, caressing the soft skin under and you can’t help but let a whimper escape quietly. Soonyoung seizes the moment, your lips parting just enough so he can deepen the kiss and dip his tongue into your mouth. His grip on your hair tightens when you tilt your head to accommodate him — your tongues dancing in perfect harmony as you explore each other's mouths.
He’s warm against your skin, anchoring you to the moment. Every brush, every tug, every calculated move that Soonyoung makes — he knows that he’s unraveling you.
Corrupting you.
Not in a way that feels chaotic or rushed. And certainly not in a way with any ill intentions whatsoever.
Soonyoung wasn’t just kissing you, but he was savoring you. He was reading every subtle cue as if a language only he understands. And with every second that passes, he pulls you deeper under until there’s nothing left but the warmth of his hands, the weight of his mouth, and the unfamiliar feeling of stickiness growing in your panties.
He pulls away with one final lingering kiss, and your lips instinctively chase his own. Your eyes flutter open, still hazy as they focus on the man in front of you.
Soonyoung leans back just enough to take you in. You were already a mess in the best way possible — lips slightly swollen, pupils dilated, and chest steadily rising as you try to catch your breath.
The weight of his gaze only intensifies, drinking in every detail of you. Your eyes avoid his, cheeks flushed from not only the kiss but from his attention on you as well.
He nods his head towards the pillows on his bed, and you take the hint. You grab one, handing it to him, only so he can place it directly behind you. Your eyes follow him as he does so, bringing your knees to your chest and hugging them close.
“Pick a word.”
Your brows knit together, “A word?”
Soonyoung hums. He disregards your confusion, standing from the chair and walking over to his desk. He grabs the blunt he’d previously forgotten about off the rolling tray, lighting it up and taking a long drag.
“Why?” You press.
“Because I told you to.”
Well, he had you there.
Now that you think about it, you don’t remember a time where you’ve ever denied Soonyoung of anything. Whatever he asked of you — you’d always deliver.
If he showed up at your house unannounced demanding you to take a break from school work, you’d follow him without a fight.
If a random guy on campus was flirting with you and Soonyoung warned you about him, you’d abide like his word was law.
If Soonyoung told you no, that meant no.
If Soonyoung asked you to do something, you did it — no questions asked.
From the time you two were kids on the playground, even till now, you’ve never disappointed him. It wasn’t because you were passive or afraid. And it wasn’t because he was demanding and mean. Soonyoung had never gotten that way with you and he never intends to. But you trusted him. Maybe too much to the point where obedience wasn’t an option, but rather an instinct. It came as naturally as breathing.
And that’s what he liked about you.
The others only ever listened in the bedroom, but you — you’d never let him down. No. You’d listen even outside of it.
“Y/n.”
Your head snaps up to look at Soonyoung. You hadn’t even realized that your thoughts had begun to stray.
“I told you to do something,” He raises an eyebrow, a silent warning.
Your eyes narrow, drifting around his room. It was a simple task, one you could decide with ease. But you took your time as if it held more meaning than it appeared to.
Your gaze wanders, landing on a stuffed animal perched on the highest shelf in his room. It was tucked in the furthest corner, collecting dust and worn from age. You had gifted it to him years ago, and it’s become a sight you look for whenever you enter his bedroom. The stuffed animal stood out amongst the rest of his things, not quite fitting his aesthetic or personality. Soonyoung nor the other boys cared for cute, sentimental things. But the small trinkets you’d either given them or left behind were never discarded. No matter how long they’d been there.
“Tiger.”
“Tiger?” Soonyoung glances at the plushie on his shelf, having completely forgotten about it. He’d debated tossing it out a few times, but he never had the heart to follow through. Maybe it was guilt. Maybe it was sentiment. Either way, he would never admit to it. You brought a softness into his life that he didn’t know he could carry, leaving traces of warmth in your wake.
He turns back to you, expression unreadable. He raises his brows in amusement, taking another hit of his blunt. The smoke lingers in the air as he exhales. “Okay,” He sighs, “Then that’s your safe word.”
You barely have time to react when his demeanor shifts without warning. The haze of smoke in the air seems to still, Soonyoung’s gaze on you fixed and unrelenting. His jaw tightens, both of his hands rising to cradle your face and force you to maintain eye contact. “Listen to me,” He murmurs, voice unwavering, “If you begin to feel uncomfortable with anything — and I mean anything, you say tiger. Got it?”
It should be comical. Soonyoung of all people, demanding you to say a silly word you’d playfully chosen on a whim. But his tone leaves no room for argument.
You nod hesitantly, fully alert as you’re taken aback by the gravity of the situation. The room suddenly feels smaller, charged with tension.
“I need you to use your words Y/n.”
“Yes,” You confirm, softly but surely.
“If something doesn’t feel right — if at any point you feel uncertain, uneasy, or overwhelmed — you just say the word and I’ll let up. No questions. No hesitation.”
“Is that why it’s called a safe word?” You ask.
He nods, silently answering your question.
“I don’t —,” You hesitate, chewing the inside of your cheeks, “I don’t think I’ll need it.”
Soonyoung smiles just barely. It doesn’t quite reach his eyes and it looks as if he’s holding back anger that may or may not be directed towards you.
Kwon Soonyoung was a man who hated many things. He hated when the price of cigarettes would change in every gas station he entered. He hated when a professor constantly nagged him for his shitty attendance. He hated when a flock of girls smothered him at a frat party, desperation evident with the way their hands glided over his body.
But the one thing that Soonyoung hated most, was your habit of sacrificing your own needs for others. As long as he’s known you, you’ve always been a people pleaser. The words “no” and “I can’t do it,” have never been in your vocabulary because you were sure that with a little more effort, anything was possible. You went above and beyond, going an inch for people who wouldn’t even bother to go a centimeter for you. The boys always watched you closely, ensuring no one took advantage of your kindness. But you were just too nice for your own good. It was what made you, well…you.
“Trust me baby,” His grip on your face tightens firmly, “You’ll need it.”
Your mouth opens to stubbornly protest, but the look Soonyoung gives you causes the words to die in your throat. You cower back, a chill skimming down your spine from intimidation.
“It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. I won’t be disappointed. I won’t be mad — I’d never be mad at you.”
Your eyes soften at his speech. The boys have never exactly been the talkative type and moments like this — honest, caring, thoughtful — are rare.
“A safe word is put in place for a reason,” Soonyoung continues, “Even if you don’t think you need it.”
“Okay,” You reply, but it comes out flat. Soonyoung sees right through it, catching your half-hearted tone. He grinds his teeth, scanning your unsure expression. His fingers dig into your jaw, not quite hurting you, but with enough pressure to demand your undivided attention.
“I’m fucking serious Y/n,” He states sternly, “Listen to your body. Don’t try and test your limits because you think you can handle it.”
Your heart pounds in your chest. Your words tumble out, too quick for you to process. “Yes sir,” You say unconsciously.
The label you had called him by isn’t calculated. It isn’t meant to provoke or please. It slipped out instinctively, a response to the kind of authority that doesn’t scare you, but steadies you instead.
Soonyoung doesn’t acknowledge it. He doesn’t smirk or tease the way he would had it been anyone else. With the others, he might’ve raised a brow. Might’ve let a smug grin spread across his face as he leaned in close just to watch them squirm and fluster. He knew how to play that part — confident, commanding, and in control.
But you — you’ve always been the exception. The only one able to break down their stone walls and thaw their icy hearts.
You see the flicker of approval flash across his features. He finally lets go of your face and you find yourself missing his touch as soon as it leaves. You’d grown accustomed to the heat of his hands and now that they're gone, it makes you realize how much comfort you found in his hold.
Soonyoung takes a step back. “Good girl,” He mutters, so softly that you barely catch it.
A whine tries to force itself from your mouth, but you urge it back down. A heat rises in your chest, the familiar feeling of warmth you’d felt with Mingyu a week ago. The praise left you feeling fuzzy — reassured.
Soonyoung closes his eyes, thoughts racking his brain. He figures that he’s too sober for this. Reaching out, he picks up his blunt yet again and goes in for another hit. The ember flares briefly in the dim lighting, and he uses the incoming feeling of a high to anchor himself.
He was good at control. He knew how to wield it with precision. But you had him in a chokehold that constantly left him breathless. If he planned to have you laid out like a meal right in front of him, he’d need a much better grasp on himself.
He knows he can’t do it on impulse. Not with you. You deserve intention — care. He needed to take his time with you. Not rush things. Keep his pace slow and calm…at least to the best of his abilities.
“Say it again.”
You blink, caught off guard. “What?”
“Your safe word,” He clarifies, “I need to make sure you remember it. That you’re not going to forget it.”
“Oh…” Your cheeks flush in embarrassment as the pieces click into place, “Right.”
Soonyoung arches a brow, eyes glittering in quiet amusement, “What did you think I was referring to?”
You glance away, clearing your throat, “Nothing,” You shake your head to dismiss him.
Soonyoung’s lips quirk and a teasing smile threatens to break across his face.
“Tiger,” You repeat the word, hoping to appease him.
He hums in acknowledgment, “And you’ll do as I say and use it when you feel like you need to?”
“Mhm…”
Soonyoung narrows his eyes at you. They scan over your figure, easily recognizing your body language. His lips press into a thin line and he struggles to contain his frustration.
“Fine.” His voice comes out clipped, sharp even.
Maybe it’s because of the endless years you’ve spent tangled in each other's lives, or maybe it’s because of the massive weak spot he’s grown for you over time — but Soonyoung knows you like the back of his hand. He’s slowly memorized every part of you. All the tells, all the signs. Your likes. Your dislikes. Even the smallest details that you haven’t figured out for yourself yet.
So when you sit before him saying all the right things and giving him the answers he expects to hear, he’s able to read between the lines.
You’ll endure it. Swallow it down and convince yourself you can handle it until you can’t. The instinct to please — to not disappoint — was practically in your blood.
He lets out a heavy sigh, turning his back to you. He runs a hand through his hair, foot tapping against the floorboard in a quiet rhythm to calm himself.
A safe word has never been just a formality to Soonyoung. Especially when it came to scenes in which his usual dominance could possibly blur the lines between pleasure and intensity. He knew exactly how mean and demanding he could be, but despite that, he wasn’t heartless. At least, not completely.
Unlike others who wielded dominance with cruel intentions, he knows what the word stop means. And he certainly knows that no means no.
So god forbid, he was trying to make sure it wasn’t your last resort. You needed to know how vital this conversation was — to know when to use it, understand your own limits, and most of all, realize that it’s okay to use it.
If you wouldn’t lean on the safety net yourself, then he would have to be the one to make sure it’s there. Not by force, never that. But with a precision that doesn’t thin the fragile line between challenge and care. The kind that gives you no room to hide even when you’re nearing that edge.
Soonyoung grumbles, taking a swig from a nearby beer bottle. It was warm and flat, having been there for a few hours untouched, but it still does the trick. He sets it on his dresser with a clink, sitting back down on his desk chair and rolling it to the foot of his bed. He reaches out, arms wrapping around your thighs to yank your body towards him with a gentle force.
You squeal in surprise, hands flying back to anchor yourself as he effortlessly drags you to the edge. The sheets bunch underneath your elbows, your pulse racing at the sudden motion. You blink at him wide-eyed, chest heaving in breathless anticipation.
His calloused hands are rough on your smooth skin, fingers grazing over your thighs with a careful tenderness. His touch provides you with a comfort you always seem to long for.
One minute he’s talking to you — engaging in a casual conversation, or as much conversation as you’ll get from one of the boys; they weren’t much talkers. But the next, your shorts are suddenly discarded, thrown carelessly on the ground. Without even realizing, your body had responded — hips lifting unconsciously and making it easier for Soonyoung to pull off. His words served as a distraction and he’d made sure your focus was trained on him the entire time.
You didn’t think much of it. You’ve occasionally walked around the house wearing far too little in search of a comfy hoodie or a pair of pants fresh out the dryer. Sometimes — even to make sure that your cookies didn’t burn, and that’s exactly how you ended up squirting all over Jeonghan’s lap last time.
But usually, the boys never spared you a glance. And if they did, they never allowed their minds to wander anywhere inappropriate.
You weren’t anywhere near the typical girls (sluts as they would prefer to be called) they hooked up with.
No — you were you.
There was always that unspoken line written in your friendship. One in which they never dared to cross. But with how men have turned into dogs over time, they’d rather it be them than anyone else.
Soonyoung rests his hand on the inside of your thigh, dangerously close to your covered cunt. Immediately, your body stiffens. His thumb rubs soothing circles on your skin, but you can’t seem to concentrate on it as his breath ghosts over your neck. Your heart rate increases just as he lays a gentle kiss to your pulse point and it leaves you wondering whether he can feel the thumping on his lips.
He presses soft kisses to your skin, trailing upwards towards your jaw. Your lids flutter, breath hitching as his mouth moves deliberately slow. A whimper almost escapes when one of his fingers swipe directly over your slit. The action causes moisture to spread in your panties; thin, white, and nearly sheer from sticking to your skin due to your arousal.
“Relax,” Soonyoung mutters, noticing the quick rise and fall of your chest, “You’re too tense.”
You nod obediently, granting him further access by unconsciously tilting your head. He sucks on the skin directly under your jaw and as he takes his time marking your flesh with his mouth, your pussy throbs in response.
Soonyoung’s fingers slip beneath the waistband of your underwear. He lets his touch linger, toying with the material. It’s only when his lips find yours again, that he tugs it down. You lift yourself partially off the bed, too distracted to care as he deepens the kiss. It helps him remove the garment completely, tucking it into his back pocket.
You whine as he breaks contact, pulling away. Soonyoung disregards you, instead pushing you down with a firm hand on your shoulder. Your back meets the mattress, legs clamped shut. Soonyoung clicks his tongue in disapproval. He shoots you a stern look, tapping at the side of your thigh.
“Open.”
You don’t listen, a small voice in the back of your head warning you that your dignity is fading even more so after your escapades with Jeonghan and Mingyu.
“Y/n,” Soonyoung says, voice strict, “Open your legs.”
His tone causes you to whimper, your tummy turning nervously. You gaze up at him with wide puppy dog eyes — soft, pleading, and silently hoping it’ll melt the merciless wall he’s putting up.
Soonyoung sighs, demeanor faltering. His eyes soften as they meet yours and he realizes that maybe he should be a little nicer. Your trust in him was currently at an all-time high and he would be damned to scare you away.
“Come on baby,” He tries again. This time, he pries your knees apart for you. He keeps his eyes trained on yours the entire time, ignoring the pretty view between your thighs to save you from your nervousness of being on display. “Let me make you feel good, yeah?”
Your cheeks flush at his words, embarrassment flooding your senses. You squirm under his stare, holding it to the best of your ability. Coyly, you tilt your head in agreement.
His lips quirk into a smile, dropping as fast as it flashes across his face. His line of vision trails down to your neck, lingering over your tits, to your stomach, then finally settling on the prize.
You were soaked, essence dripping onto the comforter below you.
Soonyoung has to muffle a groan, his cock pulsing at the sight. He lays a delicate peck on your knee, unable to tear his eyes away.
Out of all the girls he’s fucked — bent over, underneath, on top — your body was home to the prettiest pussy he’s ever seen.
Soonyoung bites his tongue, a degrading term threatening to roll off. He was meant to humiliate, to tease; but he could never do that to you. His respect for you outweighed his usual dominance by a landslide.
His hand smooths over your pelvis and you flinch at the unexpectedness of his touch. You watch him between your legs as he kisses the inside of your left thigh, gradually moving downwards. You tense as he nears dangerous territory, but his fingers dig into your skin, massaging your muscles and loosening them.
Both of his hands travel to the underside of your thighs near your ass. Gently, he rests them there, pushing upwards and further spreading you apart for him. Your mind screams at you to have a little more shame, but your body denies the request as your cunt gushes in excitement.
Soonyoung focuses on your skin, laying pecks all around. He avoids your pussy, wanting to make you more comfortable before diving in. You feel his lips graze just below your belly button, moving south.
A shiver rolls down your spine when you finally feel him place a kiss directly on your clit. A sound of satisfaction leaves your mouth and it gives Soonyoung the green light he needs.
Leisurely, he licks a stripe from your dripping hole to your bud. The action draws a whimper from you, a spike of pleasure easily spreading. He continues, keeping the same pace as he repeats the movement. Your lids flutter shut as you bask in the feeling. It dwells, enough to keep you content, but not enough to send you over the edge.
Your wetness gathers on his tongue and Soonyoung figures that if he could have one meal for the rest of his life, it would be you.
The taste of your cunt is addicting, even more so as he dips his tongue into your entrance. You whimper, legs spreading further apart.
A choked moan slips out as he speeds up. His tongue moves rapidly and he bobs his head to add stimulation. You pant, chest visibly heaving as he looks up at you. Your head is thrown back against his bed, fingers gripping tightly at the duvet. He’s able to see the swell of your breasts from his line of vision and he reaches an arm up your stomach to fondle one under your shirt.
His touch ignites a spark within you, his thumb grazing over your nipple and causing it to harden. He rolls the bud expertly, pinching it between two fingers and tugging slightly. You mewl in delight, hips bucking to grind against Soonyoung’s face. He chuckles into your cunt at your reaction, the vibration sending rippling waves of pleasure coursing through you.
Your hand wraps around Soonyoung’s wrist, holding his arm there as his fingers play with your tit. You shut your eyes and he has half the right mind to scold you. He wants you entirely focused on him, but he decides that he should let you have this one — to be present in your pleasure instead of attentive to him.
He shakes his head, the sudden movement causing your body to jerk. His tongue flattens against your clit, rough and wet as he quickly laps at the bundle of nerves. Your mouth opens, a string of whines escaping as your stomach muscles tighten.
“Soonie,” You gasp, cut off by the sound of another whine escaping your lips.
Soonyoung only hums. He pinches your nipple gently and you grind your pussy against his tongue again. He can sense your eagerness and it leaves him unfamiliar with the feeling of wanting to give in — to let you cum without begging or crying.
So he does.
He keeps the same tempo, refusing to change rhythm even just the slightest. His tongue flicks viciously at your clit, hands locking your thighs into place to ensure you don’t move. You try to thrash, but he keeps you grounded, unable to run away from him.
You pull at the comforter, using it as your personal stress ball. It bunches in your grip but does nothing to put out the fire growing within your body.
You’re hot — too hot. Your skin is tingling and ears are starting to hear a ring as Soonyoung transports you into a world of ecstasy.
“Soonie, please.” You don’t know what you’re pleading for, but you can still decipher the desperation in your voice. The feeling is all too familiar to the one you’d felt with Jeonghan and you realize that you’d do anything to experience it again.
Soonyoung hears you loud and clear despite your words coming out hurried and hushed. He uses his thumbs, spreading your pussy and giving him further access directly to your clit. You can feel everything a little better when he does and just as his thumb grazes through your wet slit, the coil snaps.
Over the years, Soonyoung has seen you in a million different ways in a million different instances. But this — coming undone on his tongue, endless loud whines leaving your mouth, and legs spread far apart as he devours your pretty pussy — takes the cake.
“Soonie!” You can do nothing but say his name, hole clenching around nothing. Your cunt gushes a fluid that you can feel drenching the sheets below you and Soonyoung lifts his head to admire. He replaces his tongue with his hand, fingers rubbing figure eights over your clit to help you ride out your orgasm.
In a world full of sex, featuring Kwon Soonyoung — you’re either a creamer or a squirter.
In Soonyoung’s case, he just so happened to adore squirters. The messier, the better.
“There we go,” He praises, “That’s a good girl.”
Your legs threaten to close but he holds them open, fingers working expertly to prolong your orgasm. You can hear the audible sounds of your slick as he runs his finger through your folds and it only adds to the filth you’re experiencing.
The pleasurable rush feels like it lasts for ages, but eventually, you come down from the high. Your mouth falls open as you try and catch your breath, endless pants falling from your lips.
Your chest rises and falls, heart still racing as if trying to catch up. You blink slowly, trying to center yourself. You feel Soonyoung’s hand on your inner thigh, ghosting over your cunt as his other hand massages your trembling legs. You find strength within yourself to prop your upper half up, using your elbows as leverage.
Soonyoung was nicer than usual, giving you at least a few minutes to rest before he attempted to thrust you toward the edge yet again. One minute, you’re staring into his eyes from between your legs, and the next, your back hits the mattress from the sheer hostility of his mouth.
He greedily slurps up your arousal, tongue lapping through your folds. His lips hover directly above your clit, closing around the bud and sucking harshly. The action causes your back to arch, a cry emitting loudly throughout the room. Your hole clenches around nothing, excess fluid dripping onto the comforter.
Soonyoung pokes his head up, mouth shining from your juices. “You're making a mess, sweetheart.” His thumb replaces his mouth, rubbing over your clit slowly.
“M’ sorry,” You whimper softly, “Can’t help it.”
Soonyoung hums, faux sympathy lacing his features. “Feels too good, doesn’t it?”
You nod with lidded eyes, hips bucking against his hand, “So good Soonie.”
He chuckles, head dipping low to dart out his tongue yet again.
Amongst the many rumors circling the grounds of your university, today, you’ve debunked one: Kwon Soonyoung lives up to his title of being a munch.
You try and count how many seconds pass by before your skin starts to tingle. Soonyoung shifts his focus solely on your clit, opting to suck instead of lick. The suction leaves you fidgeting from overstimulation, sensitivity from your last orgasm still fresh as you barrel towards another one.
It washes over you faster than before — much stronger. Soonyoung doesn’t adjust his pace to accommodate your thrashing. Instead, he holds your hips down on the bed, lips attached to your clit. Your essence paints the lower half of his face, pussy leaking messily of wetness.
An endless string of pitiful whines escape from you, but it does little for Soonyoung to show mercy. His mouth stays glued to your pussy, even despite the fight you put up.
“T-too much,” You whimper, feeling somewhat overstimulated. You shuffle around on the mattress, trying to escape. It only grants you a short minute of relief as his lips detach from you, but it doesn’t last long. His hands grip your legs, pulling you back to him.
“You know your safe word,” His hands settle on the back of your thighs to hold you open for him, “Use it.”
You let out a choked sob when you feel him again, flinching as the tip of his tongue pokes at your entrance. It threatens to push further, but instead, he swipes it through your folds. It feels rigid against your clit, alternating between tracing circles and flicking.
You try not to get too loud, embarrassed that the other boys might hear you through the walls of his bedroom. But as the pleasure builds in your lower abdomen, your dignity fades away slowly, but surely.
When you cum for the third time, you start to get antsy. Your thighs twitch involuntarily, attempting to pry themselves from Soonyoung’s grasp. They tremble when he urges them farther apart, addicted to the taste of your cunt.
The fourth spirals into you out of thin air, only seconds apart from the last. Your hand darts out, tangling in Soonyoung’s hair. You nudge him away subtly, fighting the urge to pull him closer and grind your pussy against his tongue. He slows his pace until you calm down, but picks up not long after.
Each time Soonyoung swears it's the last — but he was on an agenda to hear your safe word from your mouth. You could only last so long; and with the way he was wearing you thin, Soonyoung knew that you were nearing that brink.
“C’mon Y/n,” He encourages, “Just say it.”
“No,” You whine softly, “I can take it.”
You can feel his annoyance through his fingertips digging into your skin.
“I don’t think you can, baby.”
“Soonyoung,” Your voice is a cry — desperate. “More please.”
He sighs, eyes skirting over you. He blinks fast, visibly irritated, but nods. His tongue flattens against your pussy, getting to work once again.
You can feel your muscles loosening, unable to control them as your fifth orgasm takes over. Your thighs spasm, legs flailing as you kick. Soonyoung’s arms wrap firmly around them, anchoring you. His hands rest on your stomach, pushing your hips down to stay still. He watches you like a hawk, tongue moving diligently.
By the time your sixth orgasm rolls around, you’re a mess. Your mind is hazy, vision blurry from the tears filling your eyes. You mutter incoherent babbles, words jumbling together. The only thing you can find yourself being aware of is Soonyoung’s mouth latched to your cunt and the bliss that surges through your body. You can mildly feel yourself squirting, soaking the sheets beneath your lower half.
Your seventh orgasm is when the word finally tumbles from your lips. It comes out rushed, with a loud cry. Tears drip down the sides of your face, unbearable pleasure ripping through you. It borders on the edge of painful, but the familiar feeling of euphoria along with it, keeps you at bay.
“Tiger, tiger, tiger.” You repeat, although you didn’t have to. As soon as your safe word met his ears, Soonyoung let up.
Your body feels like mush, sinking deeper into the mattress. Your pussy throbs, yearning for more but you clench your thighs shut, thankful for mercy instead. Your palms cover your face, wiping at your wet eyes.
“That wasn’t so hard now, was it?” Soonyoung watches as you hide your face behind your hands. He rubs his own along the side of your leg, helping coax you into a calmer state.
You respond with a short whimper, barely audible. You feel messy and in desperate need of a cold shower. You whine this time, suddenly aware and shy of your current predicament.
Soonyoung’s touch leaves for a short minute. You have the urge to peek through your fingers, seeking out his comfort again, but he returns quickly. He pries your hands away from your face, nudging you to sit up. You do so reluctantly, curling your chest into your knees when you do. Your body is heavy and threatens to fall against the plush mattress again, but Soonyoung keeps you stable with a grip on your shoulder.
He holds something to your mouth. The plastic material nudges against your lips, and you furrow your brows.
“Drink.”
You hesitantly sip the water he’s offering. It’s only then that you realize exactly how dry your throat felt. It makes you wonder how loud you were actually being.
You try to pull away after a few gulps, but Soonyoung hums with disapproval. “Nuh-uh.” He holds the straw steady in your mouth, refusing to budge, “Drink more, you need to stay hydrated.”
Grumbling, you gulp down a bit more to appease him. You sip slowly, leaning into his touch as he pets the wild strands of your hair down.
“You did good,” He praises, “I’m proud of you.”
You stare up at him with doe-eyes, throat bobbing the more you drink. You acknowledge his words with the squint of your eyes, but your brain barely comprehends them in your fucked out state.
Soonyoung removes the straw when he’s satisfied with your water intake, setting the bottle down. Your legs swing over the side of the bed when he’s turned away to get up, but a rush of dizziness consumes you when you start to stand. Your limbs feel like jelly and Soonyoung has to dart forward to catch you before you fall.
“Not so fast baby,” His hands are firm on your hips, stabilizing you. Your palms rest on his shoulders, holding on tightly for support as he lowers you to sit on the bed. “I’ll get you all cleaned up. Just rest for a bit.”
You want to protest, but Soonyoung’s tone leaves no room for argument. He crouches down in front of you, staring up into your eyes. They’re softer than usual, unlike the sharp gaze that tears through you whenever you glance into them. Your head tilts to the side when he cups your face, thumb gently ghosting over your cheek.
“Tired Soonie,” You say softly. Your lids flutter, wanting to close but you keep them open to the best of your ability. The sleepiness stems out of nowhere, but now that Soonyoung is making you take a breather, it hits you full force.
“You’re tired?” His eyebrows perk up, attentive to your growing sluggishness.
You nod, leaning further against his hand cupping your face.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” You confirm.
“Take a nap then,” He gestures his head to the pillows before standing up and towering over you.
“But —,” You try to rebuttal, but he’s quick to cut you off.
“I’ll clean you up, don’t worry. Just sleep baby,” He ruffles your hair, urging you to crawl back against the bed, “I got you.”
An argument sits at the tip of your tongue, but it vanishes as soon as your head hits his soft, fluffy pillow. His familiar scent of sandalwood and light musk fills your senses, providing you with a comfort that eases you into a peaceful sleep.
Soonyoung disappears to retrieve a towel from his bathroom, but when he gets back, you’re already fast asleep. He almost chuckles at how quickly you’d managed to drift off, but he shakes his head instead, gently patting the towel against your skin.
Your thighs were still drenched and pussy dripping, but he can’t find it within himself to care — he’s going to have to change his sheets anyway.
Most days he’s prepared for this, already having a towel laid down and bedsheets stripped before indulging in anything sexual. He knows that things can get messy when it comes to him, so he’s always one step ahead.
But this is different — this is you. And you’ve always been the only exception.
🍺 soonyoung x f!reader
🍺 1.1k
🍺 taking care of drunk soonyoung, fluff :)
🍺 requested by @gent1es3xy <33 for my 100 followers event!
🍺 mentions of alcohol ofc. jihoon is tired. soonyoung is a drunk drama queen. reader puts up with him. a few kisses. that's... that's kinda it.
Soonyoung's drunk. That means you're in charge of putting him to bed.
🍺
Jihoon’s call comes later than you’d expected. It’s almost two in the morning by the time your phone buzzes.
“He lasted longer than I thought he would,” you say, rubbing your eyes awake as you pick up.
Your friend just sighs. “He was so busy dancing that he forgot to drink for a couple hours. But don’t worry, he made up for it. A lot.”
“Oh, boy.”
“Yeah. I’m on my way. And yes, I can get him to your door; don’t worry.”
“Mhm. Thank you.” Jihoon must have had a rare glass of something tonight, because the fondness behind his usually-sarcastic tone is surprisingly evident right now. You smile to yourself.
“WAIT!” a familiar voice blurts over the phone, and you stifle a giggle. “WAIT! I KNOW YOU!”
“Okay, no, we’re done,” Jihoon says. Rustling explodes on the other end of the line, then Jihoon snaps, “Be there in five,” and the call drops.
Sure enough, five minutes later there’s a quiet rap at your front door, and you open it to find Soonyoung tumbling into your arms.
“Good luck, I’m sorry, and goodnight,” Jihoon sighs, sounding significantly more tired than he did five minutes ago.
Then Soonyoung bursts into tears, and you get it.
“Oh, dear,” you mutter, trying to hoist your much heavier boyfriend onto your shoulders. He’s very… floppy. “Thanks, Jihoon. Get home safe.”
“Yeah, sure,” he sighs, and then he’s gone.
“Soonyoung, baby, can we at least get to the couch?” you try, nudging the door shut. It’s much harder than it should be with Soonyoung’s whole body limp in your arms. He’s not even trying to stand.
“NO!” he wails, and then his whole weight drops to the floor with a thud.
You sigh.
“Soonyoung,” you start again, crouching next to the little sobbing lump, “what’s going on, baby?”
“I’m not your baby!” he whines, rolling away to starfish on the floor with his face in the carpet. You frown.
“What? I – okay. What’s going on, Soonyoung?”
He finally looks up at you, eyes bleary and squinting. “Jihoonie wouldn’t let me talk to my girlfriend,” he pouts, and everything clicks so fast that you have to bite your lip to keep from laughing. “And now I’m at your house, and like, you’re calling me baby. And I’m not!” he declares, one wobbly finger sticking into the air. “I have a GIRLFRIEND! And I am HER baby! Not yours!”
“Soonyoung,” you interrupt, lying on the floor so his face is only inches away, “I am your girlfriend.”
His little crescent eyes squint, and then blow wide. A few lingering tears drop down his cheeks.
“WHOA!” he blurts, lower lip sticking out from the way his jaw is squished into the rug. “YOU ARE! YOU’RE MY GIRLFRIEND!”
You giggle. “Yes, baby. I am.”
His feet start kicking in the air. He pushes his lips out in something like a duck bill, wiggling like he’s trying to get closer, and you snort.
“No kisses on the floor, Soonie,” you remind him, and his face falls. “We’ve gotta get you in bed, okay? C’mon. Get up.”
“And then kissies?”
“And then kisses.”
Soonyoung scrambles to get his feet beneath him, and you laugh, standing by yourself before helping him up.
You make it into the bedroom relatively quickly. The promise of kisses seems to spur Soonyoung on, although he keeps puckering his lips and leaning in. You have to gently nudge him away over and over, reminding him that bed comes before kisses, and then he redoubles his efforts to get to bed.
He pouts to no end when he has to wait longer so that you can wrestle him out of his clothes and into his pajamas. Then you make him brush his teeth and wash his face, and he whines the whole time, cheeks soft and squishy beneath your hands because you really don’t trust him to wash his own face right now. He doesn’t seem to mind, just sitting on the toilet lid and gazing up at you while his thumbs rub little circles into your hips.
Eventually, though, you pull back the blankets and dump him off your shoulder and into the mattress.
“Kissy time!” he chants, reaching for your wrist, but you have to shake your head one last time.
“No, Soon; I need to get some water in you.” You try to tug out of his grip, but he just whines, pulling you closer. How is he so strong even when he’s drunk? “Soonie, baby, come on, just let me –”
“No!” His hands are on your waist now, sliding up your back and pulling you down towards the bed. You barely manage to catch yourself, hands on the mattress on either side of his head.
Your breath catches, gaze dropping to Soonyoung’s plump, pink lips, just a breath from yours now. His eyes seem more alert now, and he’s just… staring at you. Breathless.
You swallow.
“Water, Soonyoung,” you say quietly. “Then you can kiss me all you want.”
“Okay,” he breathes, and you tear yourself away before you kiss him right then and there.
You hurry to the kitchen, and when you slip back into the bedroom, Soonyoung’s sitting up and waiting. He almost doesn’t look drunk anymore, not with the glint in his eyes and the steady hand he holds out for the cup. You give it to him, and he drains half of it before setting it on the bedside table with a thunk.
“Good enough?” he asks, his voice low, and you nod.
“Yeah. Just… drink some more before you fall asleep.”
A grin flashes over his face. Then he scoots back, propping himself up against the headboard, and your mouth goes dry at the way he beckons you over. Just a twitch of his fingers, and you’re crawling after him.
You’ve barely settled yourself between his legs when his hand curls around your neck and drags you in. His mouth meets yours, warm and soft with a hint of mint toothpaste, and he hums against your lips in a way that has your whole head spinning.
He pulls you down into him, and you go willingly. It’s not hard, when he’s so good at this. It’s slow, and deep, growing deeper when his tongue swipes against your lip and you let him in eagerly.
You break apart for a moment, just long enough to breathe, and then his hand in your hair is dragging you back in.
“I love you,” he whispers against your lips, voice low, but before you can respond, he kisses you, and you’re left whining into his mouth.
After another slow, beautifully torturous kiss, you pull away, whispering “I love you too” at last – but Soonyoung doesn’t answer. He doesn’t coax you back in, either. His hand slides down your back and falls into the blankets.
🔞 18+, minors do not interact • masterlist • submit a request
(っ˶˘ ᵕ ˘˶)ᐣ✎ ᝰ request from this prompt game
@studioeisa: "hey trixie i saw u rb the writing prompt thingo .. 👀 i can’t see the issue + soonyoung (or dealer's choice on any member!!!)"
soonyoung's pov • your pov ⇣
soonyoung has been pulling away from you for weeks now. it seems that tonight is the night he wipes his hands clean of you.
♫ darl+ing svt
pairing: soonyoung x fem!reader
word count: 8.7k
tags: best friends to lovers, idiots in love, a bit of miscommunication, angst for like one second, happy ending
cw: smut — unprotected piv (v irresponsible piv don’t be like these two); reader loses virginity; spit; oral f. receiving; fingering; sy likes the idea of people hearing them fucking but no one actually hears them; just really vanilla, really soft, really mushy smut tbh, vanilla pudding smut if you will lol
a/n: for the biggest-brained, funniest, most talented kae – i hope you like it <3 if you don't, just lie to me <3 • i know the request didn't include smut, but this one truly TRULY got away from me (as you can tell from this monstrous word count lol), and it kinda just wrote itself, smut included. i did mark where the scene starts and ends in case anyone doesn’t want to read it, but that's a courtesy to adults uninterested in reading explicit material. if you're a minor, pls scroll away
you look around, grinning widely as everyone sings to you. the lights are turned off in soonyoung’s apartment, the light from the thirty candles on your cake more than enough to illuminate your face. you meet each of your friends' eyes, your heart so full of love as you look at each of them.
you leave the person you want to look at most for last. finally, you meet soonyoung’s gaze. you don't mean to, but you feel your smile immediately falter.
he’s singing, but you can barely hear his voice—already uncharacteristic of him on its own. he's spent every, single one of your birthdays since you've met obnoxiously scream-singing, arms usually wrapped tightly around your neck as he bent over you, caging you in from behind. whether it was in front of a party of people (like tonight) or just you two, he was always singing like the fate of your year relied on how loud he was in those first few moments of it.
he'd always press his cheek against yours, swinging you both back and forth to a beat only you two could hear. then, after the singing was over, and after you made your wish, he would press a kiss to your temple, wish you a happy birthday once more, and he would be the first person in your life to tell you they loved you in your new age.
so this silence is painfully loud. on top of that, he also doesn’t smile back at you, a faraway look in his eyes as he mindlessly sings. it’s like you’re not even there. it’s like he’s singing to an empty seat in front of a cake that definitely counted as a fire hazard.
things with soonyoung have been weird for the last several weeks. if you were being honest, things have been hard. you, of course, continuously asked what was wrong, and he, of course, denied anything was wrong. but the writing was on the wall: he dodged your calls, rescheduled hangouts over and over until plans just completely fell through, and hardly texted back anymore. it was clear to anyone with a pulse that he was avoiding you.
and when he finally invited you over tonight to blow out your candles, and you walked in, completely surprised to find your friends all gathered to celebrate you, you thought, oh, that's what was wrong. he was just planning to surprise me
you thought the awkwardness and flighty behavior was over. the surprise went well, he kept everything a secret—didn't spoil anything—and you were grateful. but here you two were, looking at each other from across the room like you were strangers. and you weren't strangers. kwon soonyoung is the most important person in your life. he's your best friend. and you're so achingly, painfully in love with him, this distance feels like it's slowly peeling every layer of you away and letting it disintegrate into thin air.
when everyone finishes singing, you clear your throat and try to force the smile back onto your face. you lean forward, careful to keep your hair from catching any of the candles, and you close your eyes to make a wish—the same one you've been making every year for the past decade you've known soonyoung.
i wish for the courage to love soonyoung loudly.
you open your eyes and you blow hard, cheeks burning when the absurd amount of flames won't go out. people giggle, and when you stop to take a huge breath, fanning your face from the effort, seokmin and seungkwan both laugh and lean in to help. the three of you get the job done, and they immediately put you to work cutting your cake while they help plate and distribute.
you lose track of soonyoung while on cake duty, and by the time everyone has a slice, any appetite you had for dessert is completely gone. you sink back into the seat you were in while everyone was singing, and you breathe shakily, trying your best not to cry at your own party.
did you do something? is he just getting tired of you? or can he tell that your feelings extend past friendship? after 10 years, did he finally realize? is this his way of letting you down without having to really do it?
you can't help when your eyes start to well with tears. you notice someone starting to look a little too closely at you from your peripheral—probably joshua, the most observant of your friends—so you abruptly get up, blushing when the chair almost falls over behind you. you go to the only place you know you'll be left alone in this huge apartment. it's the one place soonyoung doesn't let any of his guests go, except for you.
you all but barrel into his bedroom, quickly closing the door behind you and leaning against it. you made it just in time for your tears to start flowing.
soonyoung's room looks different from the last time you saw it. he’s a generally tidy person; of the two of you, you’re the messy one. right now, the state of his room feels like a reflection of your thoughts and feelings: disheveled, chaotic, and messy. he has clothes, both clean and used, strewn all over the place—the bed, the floor, his corner chair. drawers are thrown open, their contents very clearly rummaged through. he has a pile of empty water bottles in the corner, and his nightstand is so littered with random stuff, he has no room to even set a phone down. it astounds you enough that you momentarily stop crying.
you wipe your tears away, frowning at everything that has managed to change in the weeks leading up to your 30th birthday. this was not the way you wanted to start the new decade.
you hear a muffled cough and you're panicked to realize that soonyoung had the same idea you did. he's outside on the balcony attached to his bedroom, leaning up against the railing and looking out into the black night. he hasn't noticed that anyone has entered his room, and you're about to leave when something stops you.
"you're 30 now for god's sake," you mutter. "get a fucking grip."
you're tired of wishing for the same thing every year—wishing for something that isn't even out of your grasp because you could just decide to be brave. and instead of choosing to do that, you spent the last 10 years cowering behind the excuse that you desperately needed soonyoung in your life however he would take you, even if that’s just as his friend.
but if you're losing him now anyway, you might as well lose him for the reason you feared you would for the last decade.
you turn away from where you were about to escape back into the party, and you're joining your best friend outside before you can think twice.
he startles a little, briefly glancing at you, but when he realizes who it is, he simply looks back into the night. it hurts more than just being told to go away—to be ignored like this.
"what are you doing?"
"just needed some air," he answers quietly.
"no," you say, willing your voice to stay steady even though your eyes are already filling with tears again. "what are you doing? why are you ignoring me? why are you avoiding me?" you pause, taking a deep breath. "why are you acting like i'm not your best friend?"
soonyoung lives near the damn top of his pretentiously tall apartment building, and the wind is cold and biting up here, especially with how short your dress is. it doesn't compare to what he says next.
"because you're not." he says it the way he would say that he's having a good day. or that work was tiring. or that he wants to order food delivery. he says it like it's not something that has the power to kill you. “at least, i don’t want you to be.”
"what are you saying?"
you don't hear it, but from the way his shoulders dip, you can tell soonyoung sighs deeply. and it looks so sad and so spent, you have trouble grasping that you could possibly be the cause of whatever this is that's eating at him.
"what are you saying, soonyoung?" you ask more forcefully, unable to keep the tears out of your voice this time. if he was going to end your friendship, he was going to have the balls to say it to your face. you aren't leaving until you're forced to.
he turns away from the railing, pressing his back against it to face you. he slips his hands into his pockets and stares down at the floor. his eyes are just as red-rimmed as you imagine yours are, and you hate—you hate that your first instinct is to ask him what's wrong. to hold him and comfort him when he's the one who's telling you he no longer wants to be friends.
"do you remember your 23rd birthday?" he asks, voice gravely with emotion, as if he’s spent the entirety of the last few weeks crying. your chest hurts. maybe he has.
you turned 23 in the philippines. soonyoung has always had more money than he knew what to do with, and he has always been uncomfortably generous with it—at least when it came to you. and that year, he surprised you with a month-long trip that ended the weekend of your birthday, where you both found yourselves on a beach in siquijor, sharing an alcoholic mango smoothie and a small ube cake that soonyoung had gotten for you.
you knew you loved him long before then, but you remember that birthday being one of your most miserable, solely because it was the best. and it was what you wanted with soonyoung, but you could only have it as his best friend. you had never felt so loved and so lonely at the same time.
"siquijor. what about it?" you ask, a little irritated. if you were going to have your heart stomped on the moment you turned 30, you'd rather he just get on with it.
soonyoung smiles for the first time tonight, but you hate it. it's half-assed, sad—and not just sad, but nostalgic sad—and it's being wasted on the floor.
"do you remember why you cried that morning?"
he uses the term morning loosely. it was 4 a.m., so yes, morning, but also no, not morning because you had both stayed up all night. and unfortunately, he had gotten you several more alcoholic drinks before the bar closed, and you were all but blacked out by 2 a.m. you only know that because your last selfie on your phone was time stamped just before two.
you wouldn't have believed him when he insisted you were conscious that entire time if he hadn't shown you videos of you passionately trying to convince him that in another life, he could've been a k-pop idol.
you hardly believe him now because you don't remember crying at all. and he certainly never told you that you had.
"i..." you don't know what to say.
"you don't," he confirms, sounding bitter. "it's okay. i had a feeling you didn't."
you frown, eyes falling to the spot on the floor you're sure is the same one he's been staring at. you don't realize you're shivering as violently as you are until you see soonyoung's feet step into your line of vision, his jacket slipping across your shoulders.
large hands carefully adjust the jacket around your neck and when they're done, they gently grip the lapel and hang there, dead weight against your sternum. you dare to look up and find that he still refuses to look you in the eye, instead staring at his own hands.
the wind isn't what's making you shake, and the jacket doesn't help it stop.
"you said you were lonely," he informs you quietly. he sounds as choked up as you feel, like you're both battling the same stubborn knot in your throat. "you told me that this was everything you could have ever wanted—that you were so happy and it was the best month of your life. and you told me..." he breathes deeply and sniffles before continuing. you look up and watch his eyes fill with tears. "you told me you just wish you were experiencing it with someone you were in love with instead."
you involuntarily let out a strangled noise, feeling like that knot is suddenly demanding to be let out. “i—what?”
there’s that horrible smile again. “i tried not to let it hurt me,” he admits. “i tried to be a good sport. you were drunk, you were sad about never having had a boyfriend, and i know you weren’t trying to hurt me.”
your stomach turns painfully and you’re glad you didn’t have cake, otherwise it might’ve been regurgitated all over soonyoung by now.
you never had a lack of suitors or options; you just knew it would be impossible to look at anyone else, let alone be in love with them, while you were so preoccupied with your best friend. until now, you still haven’t ever had a boyfriend, still haven’t even had your first kiss, still haven’t felt what it’s like to have someone tell you “i love you” romantically.
soonyoung takes a watery breath, lips trembling, as the first of his tears begin to streak his cheeks. “but it hurt,” he can’t speak above a whisper. “it hurt more than anything i’ve ever felt, y/n.”
your hands close over his, more out of instinct than anything else, and you hold them like it’s the only thing that will keep him from running out of your life. you hate that, among all the warring emotions inside you, you suddenly feel hope blooming over everything. saying that only would’ve hurt soonyoung if he wanted to be the person you were in love with. right?
“soonyoung.” his name comes out of your mouth with sharp, desperate edges around it. “that’s not what i meant. i—”
“it’s okay, i’ve had time to—”
“but if you would just let me ex—”
“there’s nothing to explain,” he says quietly, finally, finally meeting your gaze. “i stayed around, didn’t i?”
the question shuts you up. or maybe it’s the way his eyes are swimming with pain you realized he’s been harboring for much longer than the last few weeks.
“i stayed for seven more years. if i needed you to explain, i would’ve asked the second you woke up sober.”
your hope deflates. the way he says the number of years makes it sound like that’s all it will ever be now. seven years. the last birthday he’ll be sticking around for.
“only seven?” you ask quietly.
you feel his fists tighten around the fabric of his own jacket briefly before his hands slip away from under you, retreating back into his pockets. you feel so cold.
he doesn’t answer, and that feels like an answer in itself. “instead of throwing myself a pity party, i decided i’d wait until your 30th birthday,” he tells you. “i didn’t mind spending all of my 20s pining after my best friend.”
your heart leaps into your throat.
“i didn’t mind waiting seven more years to see if you would ever return my feelings,” he says, voice shakier and shakier as he continues. “my friends, they told me i was insane for letting my 20s go to waste like that. but to me… if i still got to be around you, still give you experiences and love that made you feel like that’s what you deserved from someone you actually were in love with, then… i can’t see the issue in that. i’d happily wait seven more years. because even if it was seven years of the same longing—and even if it was seven years leading to nothing more, it was still seven years of me being able to show you how well i could… how well i could love you. how much i do love you.”
it strikes you then that the way soonyoung looks at you isn’t a way that anybody has ever looked at you. you used to think it was the delusion of being in love with him—that your brain was tricking you into thinking he felt a certain way about you because that would be convenient for you. but standing here, pinned down by his gaze, you have no choice but to accept that it was clearly in front of you this whole time.
“soonie—”
he keeps going like if he lets you speak, he won’t ever be able to muster up the courage to say this again, and you realize you both did waste your 20s. you wasted it being afraid of just telling each other how you felt. the fact that you could’ve had soonyoung the way you’ve always wanted since you were 23 devastates you.
“but i told myself… while you slept in my lap on that beach in siquijor, that if by the time you turned 30, we still hadn’t moved past… this…” he looks away again, opting to stare at something over your head. “then, i wouldn’t spend my 30s torturing myself anymore. i’d let you go.”
“i don’t want you to let me go!” you practically shriek. he flinches at the sudden outburst, his eyes snapping back down to you. “i don’t want you to let me go, you stupid idiot!” you repeat. “if that’s what you’ve been doing the last, few weeks, ‘letting me go’—” you make exaggerated air quotes out of your fingers, clearly agitated. “—then knock it off!”
“wh—” he makes a disgruntled noise as you slap him in the chest.
“what i meant to tell you, it came out wrong. i didn’t even mean to tell you anything, but if drunk me outed me like that, i need you to know that’s not what i meant.”
all the words he kept cutting off tonight tumble out of you quickly and freely now.
“i was lonely. i was really lonely, and yes, it was because i enjoyed that vacation so much and yes, it was because i wished i could have it with someone i was in love with, but i was having it with someone i was in love with!”
his body stiffens and his eyes widen but you don’t stop.
“i just meant i wanted it to mean more for both of us,” you explain desperately. “i wanted to be on vacation with you—but you as my boyfriend! not you as my best friend! there’s no one else i would’ve wanted to be with, soonyoung!”
you feel tears on your skin now, and you try to speak even faster because you know you’re on borrowed time before you devolve into a mess of sobs that won’t let you explain anything.
“do you think i’ve been single our entire friendship for fun?! do you think it’s fun being the 30-year-old virgin who’s never even kissed anyone?! because it’s not!” you screech through tears. you can’t even muster up the energy to be mortified at how horrible you must look right now. “but i didn’t want anyone else! i wanted you! you waited seven years, but i waited ten! TEN, soonyoung! do you—”
his lips are on yours.
your mind is quiet.
the wind isn’t cold.
you taste champagne and salt.
soonyoung holds your face gently, thumb caressing your cheeks while his long fingers slide into your hair. you’ve imagined how he must kiss a million times in your head. every time he licked his lips, puckered them for a photo, pressed them against your temple in what you deluded yourself into thinking was platonic affection—you would imagine exactly this.
soft, plush lips slotted in between yours, moving like you’re the only person they were made for. and even though you didn’t imagine it would be so salty from both of your tears, it’s exactly as perfect as you wanted your first kiss to be—as perfect as you wanted your first kiss with soonyoung to be.
when you get over the shock of it, you rest your hands on his chest, exploring the planes of it. you pause for a moment, enjoying the way you can feel the erratic beat his heart before reaching up, wrapping your arms around his neck, and pulling him into an even deeper kiss. it coaxes a sound out of him that convinces you he’s really yours, and he lets go of your face to circle your waist and hold you close.
you don’t know how and you’re not even sure when, but you end up in his bed, every inch of his body deliciously pressing against yours after he walked the two of you inside without ever leaving your lips.
his tongue slips into your mouth, and the moan that escapes you does so without your permission. you feel him twitch against your thigh and you can’t help but giggle into the kiss a little.
he pulls away, mouth pink and swollen. he rests his forehead against yours and smiles.
“what’s so funny, hm?”
it’s the first time in weeks that you’ve really heard his voice—the way you know and love it. light, happy, and, now that you’re equipped with the proper information, in love with you. you hear it loud and clear. you wonder if he hears it too.
“nothing,” you breathe, threading your fingers through the long hair at the nape of his neck until your hand is resting against the buzzed part of his undercut. you scratch his scalp there and he hums in contentment. you smile. “i love you, soonyoung.”
he lifts his forehead to better look at you. his eyes soften impossibly more and he looks like he’s trying to commit every detail of your face and this moment to memory. you realize you’re doing the same.
“i’ve always loved you,” you add, wanting to erase any lingering doubts that your 23rd birthday caused. “from the very start.”
his response is to push himself up and off you so that he’s on his knees, resting between your legs. you prop yourself up on your elbows, frowning from the sudden space. it’s exactly the opposite of what you want, but you know from the look on his face that it doesn’t mean he’s going anywhere or that he’s changed his mind. it confuses you to think that he looked at you this way for most of your friendship and you never thought it meant anything. it means everything.
he clears his throat, looking down briefly before meeting your eyes again. you only notice the bulge in his pants then, and you smile knowing that you felt that react to your moans.
“how far?” he asks, his voice so coated with desire, you shiver. he doesn’t need to elaborate. “i don’t want you to feel rushed or pressured. i just… we wasted so much time, and i—”
“all the way,” you say confidently, letting yourself lay back down and slowly wrapping your legs around his middle, trying not to feel self-conscious as your dress rides up and exposes you. “please.”
soonyoung groans like he’s in pain, hands instinctively resting against your bare thighs, eyes drifting down and unable to move from the wet spot between your legs once he sees it. his hands travel painfully slow toward the apex of your thighs, eyes never leaving you. his hands torturously stop when they reach the top.
several seconds pass with you fighting everything in your body to keep from squirming. if he notices, he doesn’t show it, seemingly too mesmerized by what’s in front of him. his thumbs burrow into the shallow divot where your legs meet your torso, the rest of his fingers kneading the flesh of your thighs, hard enough that you kind of hope they’ll bruise—give you something to remind you this was real. this happened.
he moves just as you’re about to ask him what he’s thinking about.
suddenly, as if he’s giving in to a voice telling him to just take what he wants, soonyoung allows his right hand to close the distance, tracing your skin until it leads his index finger straight to the part of you that needs him the most right now. he looks downright hypnotized as his finger meets your panties at their hollow part, where your hole is. you clench around nothing and you know he can tell when he finally breaks out of his thoughts and smirks. he only presses far enough to brush against the skin of your entrance before cruelly moving on.
he slowly drags his finger up your slit with a little more pressure than he afforded your hole and you sigh into the movement, trying to move further down so you can feel him more. he squeezes your hip to keep you where you are, though, biting down on his lip as he watches you closely. if you weren’t so turned on, you’d be self-conscious under his attention.
then, finally, his finger finds the place you swear it belongs, and he’s pressed against your clit. your panties stick to you uncomfortably but you don’t have the words to properly tell him to take them off, writhing under the pressure of his finger instead.
soonyoung doesn’t move, just watching you breathe and beg incoherently in shallow gasps, and just when you think he’ll finally move his finger—that he’ll finally start giving you what you’ve wanted for so long—he takes his hand back. he laughs a little at your whine of protest, pushing down on your hip with the hand that’s resting there when you uncontrollably buck up into the space his finger just vacated.
"what?" you hiss at him. he laughs even harder, his pretty eyes turning into those narrow crescents you love so much. he crawls over you once more. "why are you laughing?!" you complain, face getting hot. "did i do something embarrassing?"
"'embarrassing'?" soonyoung repeats incredulously. he does nothing less than scoff in your face. "no, baby, your neediness is not 'embarrassing.' it's fucking hot."
your face gets even warmer. whether it's because he's being lewd or because he called you baby, you're not sure.
"shut up," you mutter. he grins down at you.
"gladly."
to your dismay, he doesn’t press himself against you like he did earlier. he hovers, planting a light kiss on your nose, then on your lips, lingering for only a moment before he leans back a little like he's trying to get a good look at your face. he brings his hand up to cradle your face, pushing the wind-tangled hair away from it.
the tiniest of smiles pull at his lips.
“i love you,” he finally returns. “i love you so god damn much, i thought i was going to die having to leave you.”
“you’re not leaving me,” you say firmly. the love you’re feeling for him is so strong, it leaves no room for doubt. you know that as long as you’ll have him, he’ll stay. and as long as he'll have you, you will too.
“i’m not,” he agrees.
he doesn’t say anything else, instead leaning down to capture your lips again. he doesn’t let it last long, though, moving from your mouth, to your jaw, your neck, and your collarbone. you’re a mess of gasps and moans as he kisses his way back up, until his lips are just barely grazing your ear.
“you tell me if you want to stop, okay?” he whispers softly. “and we’ll stop, no questions asked.”
you nod and he nips at your lobe before beginning to kiss his way back down, making you moan again. you don’t know if this is always how it feels like or if you’re just overly sensitive from being a 30-year-old virgin, but everywhere soonyoung touches feels like fire.
“you sound so pretty,” he mutters as he makes his way lower, unabashedly biting and licking wherever he wants as he goes. “exactly like how i imagined you’d sound.” you groan loudly when his lips brush over your nipple through the fabric of your dress. “fuck, even better actually.”
he reaches up and tangles a single finger around the thin strap of your dress, then gently pulls it off your shoulder. he briefly hangs his head in mock agony when he confirms you’re not wearing a bra.
you stifle another giggle, not wanting to keep laughing during something as serious as losing your virginity—to soonyoung, no less.
"what is my life?" he whispers more to himself than anyone else as he lowers his head and shamelessly envelops your bare nipple with his tongue.
the inhale you take at the sensation is sharp, and soonyoung briefly glances up without taking his mouth off of you, one eyebrow quirking as if to ask if you're okay.
you’re more than okay. you feel like your soul is about to float right out of your goddamn body, and the scary thing is he’s barely done anything to you yet. you open your mouth to try and tell him as much, but once your lips part, nothing comes out. you close your eyes, your body arching in response to soonyoung as his swirls his tongue around you, gently nipping every now and then.
“soonyoung,” you gasp.
“fuck.”
“lower,” you beg. “please, god, lower.”
you feel him smile against your chest. “whatever you want,” he whispers.
but he doesn’t leave immediately, instead cupping his hand around your breast and biting into the flesh just above your nipple. your hips jerk up against his torso but he doesn’t let go, sucking for a few seconds before he releases you with a pop.
he grins down at the blooming mark, giving it the gentlest kiss. “pretty.”
soonyoung finally makes his way back down between your legs, but not without releasing the other strap of your dress first. he must find some mercy to spare you because, without making you wait the way he has been all night, he lifts your hips up off the bed, pulls your dress down, and in one smooth move, slips both your dress and your panties off you.
“oh my god!” he groans immediately, squeezing your clothes against his eyes. before you can even wonder if something’s wrong, he says, “i can’t believe this is my life right now, oh my god.”
he brings your clothes down just enough to look at you. his eyes narrow like he’s about to cry and you immediately laugh at the idea of soonyoung crying during sex… because he absolutely would.
“oh my god, i really have you naked in my bed right now, oh my god oh my god oh my god.”
“soonyoung!” you scold him, coming up onto your elbows and bringing your legs together so your thighs squeeze him. “focus! come on, you’re just teasing me now.” you’re fully aware that you’ve never sounded whinier in your life, but you can’t bring yourself to care. “please.”
“okay, okay, i’m so sorry, i’m not trying to tease you, i swear. i just… i’m—just, i—it’s just, like… what?” he asks it so giddily, you can’t help but smile through your frustration. “y’know? like, what the actual fuck?” he babbles, very obviously just starting to process what the hell is happening right now.
you groan, glaring at the ceiling. you’re annoyed at how empty you are right now, but at the same time, you feel your affection for soonyoung growing exponentially. even when he’s about to take your virginity, he can’t help but be so aggressively him. and you love it so much.
“it’s crazy how quickly you go from sex god to loser,” you murmur, unable to stop from grinning when he glowers at you.
“y’know,” he starts, voice considerably lower. you hate how much of an effect it has on you. “my favorite thing about you has always been your patience.” you snort as he carelessly tosses your clothes aside.
“good thing i have a lot of it then,” you retort, eyes catching on his long fingers as they start to undo each button of his shirt.
he hums, narrowing his eyes at you. “right.”
the grin on your face fades fast as he finishes undoing the buttons and shrugs the shirt off. it’s nothing you haven’t seen before; after all, you spent many vacations together in nothing but swimwear the entire time. but as your eyes sweep the dips and curves of his muscles and the way his stomach flexes as he slips off the bed, you realize you’re looking at him in a way you haven’t been able to before.
you’re looking at him like he’s yours.
“wait,” you say suddenly, sitting up all the way and crawling over to the edge of the bed where he’s standing, hands frozen in the middle of removing his belt.
“change your mind? it’s fine if you do,” he assures you quickly, already starting to fasten his belt again.
you rest your hands on his to stop them. “no,” you say, laughing a little. “i’m not going to change my mind, soonie.” he visibly relaxes at the nickname.
you reach up to kiss him, hands going up and into his hair. it’s slow and tender and careful, and you feel like you’re being held with so much care, you suddenly get nervous that you might be the one that ends up crying during sex.
“i love you,” soonyoung whispers between kisses, his arms snaking around your naked waist. “oh my god, i love you, holy shit.”
“don’t start with the loser behavior again, please,” you joke against his lips. you feel him smile. you pull away and sigh, your fingers running across his chest in admiration. “but i love you too.”
he breathes deeply, leaning forward to rest his forehead against yours. “i’m so happy.”
you smile softly. “me too, soonie.”
you look down and watch your hands travel down his naked torso until they meet his belt. you finish undoing it, not bothering to remove it from the loops and going straight for the button of his jeans. soonyoung’s breath hitches when you pull his zipper down. before you can shove his jeans down, he grabs your face and brings your lips to his roughly, his tongue inside your mouth in seconds. you don’t know whose moans are whose anymore as he kisses you—not like it’s the first time, but like it’s the last.
his lips get clumsy as he starts to remove his pants himself, shoving his boxer briefs down with them. you don’t get much of a chance to ogle him before his lips are on you again and he’s cupping your ass, forcing your legs to wrap around him. you revel in the feeling of him against your stomach—long, hard, and yours.
he kneels onto his bed, carrying you back to where you were laying before and setting you down gently. when you part, you suddenly understand soonyoung’s brief meltdown. because holy shit. soonyoung is in bed with you. naked. and you physically cannot stop looking down at him.
“see something you like?” he asks, his voice teasing. even with how arrogant he sounds, you can’t look away.
“uh… what?”
he laughs then, burying his face in the crook of your neck and effectively cutting off your intense eye contact with his dick.
“soonyoung, put it in me,” you whisper frantically. “hurry up!” you near shriek at him.
he only laughs harder. “i can’t just put it in you.”
“what?!” you push him away just far enough to be able to look at his face. “what do you mean you can’t just put it in me? is this not how sex works? you put that—” you widen your eyes at the monster resting against you. “—in me? like… over and over again?”
“baby, please,” he wheezes with laughter. “you’re making this so unsexy.”
“you made it unsexy first,” you pout. “put it in me, soonyoung!”
he bursts into giggles again. “stop saying that!”
“why?! you keep making me wait!” you complain. “pu—”
his hand clamps over your mouth before you can repeat yourself. “okay,” he says, laughter finally subsiding. “okay. shhh. relax… and i will, alright?” he doesn’t move so you nod. “good girl.”
you make a strangled noise against his hand at the praise and his eyebrows shoot up.
“oh, you like that?” his lips quickly curve into a smirk when your only response is to wriggle under him, hips trying their best to move his dick in the direction you need it to go.
he releases your mouth slowly and when you stay silent, his smirk deepens. he brings his hands to your face, squeezing your cheeks together and kissing your puckered lips before he rests it at the base of your neck, fingers splayed across your throat. you briefly wonder if he’d choke you during your first time if you asked. you quickly wave the idea away because you know he wouldn’t.
“so pretty,” he murmurs again, finger tapping your lower lip. you dip your head to take it into your mouth and he groans. “jesus christ.” you release him and he sighs roughly. “let me know if i do anything you don’t like, okay?”
you nod eagerly, thinking it’s finally time to get what your body has been screaming for. so when he pulls away, you make a noise of protest and watch him in confusion as he moves down your body. it isn’t until he forces your knees apart and lays back down between your legs, breath hot on your skin, that you realize what he’s planning on doing.
“oh,” you whisper pathetically.
soonyoung looks up at you and you swear he looks excited to absolutely demolish you. without breaking eye contact, he unfurls his tongue from his mouth as far as it’ll go, the tip of it just a breath away from touching your clit. you try to move but his grip on your thighs don’t let you. you watch with bated breath as his saliva slides down his tongue, dripping right where you were hoping it would.
it’s so fucking obscene, and the second you feel the warmth of his spit on you, you throw your head back and moan.
“soonie,” you mewl.
“god, i haven’t even done anything and you’re a mess—’s so fucking hot,” he tells you, letting go of one thigh to press his thumb into your clit, massaging his own spit into it. you gasp, bucking into the sensation now that one hip is free from his hold. “patience, baby,” he reminds you.
soonyoung doesn’t give you a chance to talk back because with no warning, his mouth replaces his thumb and it takes everything in you to keep from screaming. he places his hand back on your thigh just in time to keep you from reflexively caging his head in. he holds you down as he devours you, tongue flicking, sweeping, and circling around all the places no one has ever been. you could cry. you think you might already be. you can’t tell anymore.
he begins to massage where he holds you when your thighs start to tremble.
“soonyoung,” you gasp, hand diving into his hair and fisting it without your permission.
he doesn’t mind though, responding with a moan of his own, straight into your cunt. you half-sob at the vibrations of his voice against you. it doesn’t take long before his finger slips into you. then another. multiplying the pleasure tenfold. his tongue never falters as his fingers find and stimulate the small, ribbed spot inside you, pressing and pushing and rubbing to a rhythm that—as always—only you and soonyoung can hear.
“oh my god, soonyoung,” you repeat his name. you don’t know if you’re capable of saying anything else anymore. “soonie.”
“yeah, baby,” he mutters against you, kissing your sex with as much vigor as he was kissing your mouth earlier. “still okay?”
you nod wildly. “yes, yes. god, yes.”
he moans again, eyes flicking up to you as he does. “you sound so pretty, baby. be louder.”
“the…” you sigh as he gently removes his fingers, softly kissing down your slit. “the party…”
“let them hear you,” he mumbles. “let them hear how good i make you feel.”
“but…” you never finish your sentence.
he leaves one last whisper of a kiss before he suddenly takes two fingers, holds you open, and fully presses his face into you, his tongue entering you—stiff, thick, and so, so warm. you unwillingly follow orders, half-shouting and half-groaning his name. your back arches as he presses impossibly further into you, his tongue touching you in ways you only ever dreamed he would.
“soonyoung… soonyoung!” you call him, grip in his hair tightening. “i’m going to… i’m…”
“go ahead, baby,” he encourages you. “god, go ahead,” he practically begs before his tongue dives back into you.
his thumb finds your clit once more, working it harder and faster as he slips in and out of you, the sounds of him feasting on you so vulgar, you could listen to it forever. your body starts to inadvertently grind on his face the closer you get.
“soonyoung, i’m… i’m going… i’m…” you stammer, trying to pull him up by the hair. “stop, stop, i’m going to cum on your face.”
soonyoung frowns, thumb never stopping as he takes his tongue back. “that’s the point baby. i want you to cum on my face.” his eyes roll back at the thought, and he moans before seeming to shake the thoughts out of his head. “god, you better cum on my face.”
“but—”
“cum on my fucking face, y/n.”
that shuts you up and all you can do is nod quickly, allowing him to get back to what he was doing. it doesn’t take long after that. it hits you like a wall, slamming into every part of your body at once, reverberating to every corner of you over and over again. and because soonyoung is a demon and he doesn’t stop, the echoes of your orgasm ripple through you mercilessly until just mere moments later, you’re having another one.
and if the way soonyoung smirks into you is any indication, you know he’s aware of exactly what he just did to you. it could have been seconds or it could have been hours when you feel soonyoung’s arms wrapping around your middle, torso pressing into yours as he kisses your neck and makes his way up until his lips are on yours again.
you taste yourself on him and you think it should be gross, but it just makes you even wetter knowing that he took that part of you for himself—that he drank you up and he loved it.
“soonie,” you whisper, breath still coming in ragged gasps. he pushes your hair off your forehead as he looks down at you.
“mmm?” he hums, still kissing you wherever he can reach, but always coming back to your lips.
“i want to be yours,” you say. you’re not even sure that’s what you meant to say. you’re actually 90% sure you wanted to demand he put it in you again, but that’s what comes out. it’s still true—maybe even truer—so you repeat it: “i want to be yours so bad.”
soonyoung looks at you with so much love, you feel your eyes burning. he doesn’t point out your tears, simply pressing his finger against each one that escapes your eyes. he leans in, presses his cheek against yours, and he whispers: “then i'll make you mine.”
he presses against your entrance then, and you gasp.
“shhh,” he soothes you. “try to relax, okay?”
he props himself on one elbow, other hand coming to your hip and rubbing gentle circles into the skin there. his touch is comforting and grounding, and you feel your muscles relaxing even as he starts to push into you. your hand comes up to his shoulder, grasping tightly as the stretch starts to burn more and more. you squeeze your eyes shut, head turning to the side as you try to focus on relaxing enough to let soonyoung bottom out.
“slow, slow,” you breathe, even though he’s already barely moving as it is.
he plants a kiss on your temple, murmuring apologies against your skin. “i’m sorry, baby. do you feel okay?”
you nod, eyes still closed. he pauses for a minute or so, settling for peppering kisses all over you. his patience and love help—they’re everything. you adjust and that desire to be completely full comes back to you and you nod quickly at him.
“keep going, soonie.” you’re too eager to be full of him to be embarrassed at how needy you sound. he smiles, coming off his elbow to lay back on you.
you’re not sure if the kissing is a distraction, but it works. you’re so preoccupied with the things his tongue is doing with yours that by the time he’s fully sheathed inside you, it doesn’t burn anymore.
“oh my god,” he breathes, pressing his forehead against you and closing his eyes like he’s trying to concentrate. “oh shit.” he breathes deeply and evenly. “you won’t change your mind about me if i cum too fast, will you?”
you laugh but that’s a mistake because it causes you to clench a little, and soonyoung immediately groans, hand going to your shoulder and squeezing to get you to stop.
“don’t, don’t!” he says quickly. “don’t squeeze, baby.”
“sorry,” you whisper, trying not to giggle. you give him a few moments to collect himself, just like he did with you. “no, by the way,” you say. he opens his eyes and looks at you. “i won’t change my mind. it’s been 10 years. nothing will change my mind.”
the words do something to him—seem to inject some resolve into his bloodstream—because without saying anything, soonyoung starts moving. your lips part at the foreign feeling of his cock dragging against your walls. his every dip and ridge fits to your every ridge and dip, and you don’t need any more evidence to know that soonyoung was made specifically for you.
“oh fuck,” he groans, burying his face in your neck and kissing the skin there. “you feel so good—so fucking good,” he says, his breath hot and heavy in your ear. “your cunt is perfect.”
you let your eyes flutter closed as a mouthwatering mixture of pain and pleasure start to pool together in your lower abdomen. you don’t know when you start, but as he continues thrusting in and out of you, the deepness of his thrusts gradually increasing, you can’t stop moaning, gasping, chanting his name. it becomes a prayer to you.
soonyoung. soonyoung. soonyoung.
no, not a prayer. a wish coming true—all 10 of the birthday wishes you spent on him coming true. you were finally loving soonyoung loudly.
“y/n,” he pants, sweat dripping onto you. “oh my god.”
“soonyoung,” you answer, moans sandwiching his name.
and just when you think his thrusts are as deep as they can go—pulling all the way out before slamming right back into you—he pushes off of you, holding himself up with one arm and holding the headboard above the both of you for leverage. and somehow, he gets impossibly deeper, impossibly rougher, impossibly better, coaxing all kinds of screams and noises from you.
“oh my god, look at you,” he mumbles, eyes darting between your chest, your lips, and the place where he keeps disappearing inside you. “so—fucking—perfect.” his cock slams roughly into you with each word, easily aggravating all your pleasure points.
“‘m not gonna last long,” you breathe. “soonie… ‘m not—”
you cut yourself off with your own cry when his hips start to drive into you at an unforgivable pace. tears leak from the corners of your eyes, leaving hot streaks as you try to remember how good this moment feels—how fucking good soonyoung feels. how perfectly soonyoung fills you up.
“i’m not either, baby,” he says. he starts grinding his pelvis down on your clit roughly, making you grab his forearm in a weak attempt to ride out the overwhelming and overstimulating feeling of an orgasm building up inside you mercilessly.
he lowers himself again, closing the distance between you two and pressing his lips to yours. “i love you,” he says. “i love you so fucking much.”
“i—” you gasp as his pelvis presses down on you ruthlessly. “i love—oh my god, soonyoung,” you groan.
“do you feel like you’re mine yet?” he asks, voice raspy, hips ramming into you so hard, there’s no way you won’t be bruised tomorrow.
you nod frantically. “yes, god, yes. yes!” you shriek the last one as your orgasm approaches its summit. “yes!”
“say it,” he grunts, eyes boring into yours.
“i’m yours,” you pant. “soonie,” you whimper, eyes shutting on their own accord. “i’m yours, soonyoung.”
“i never want to hear another name come out of your mouth ever again,” he tells you, the statement followed by a string of colorful curses as his hips begin stuttering uncontrollably. you know he’s holding off as best he can for you. “you’re mine.” he moans loudly. “and i’m yours.”
“m-mine… soonyoung…” you open your eyes to find him still watching you intently. “soonyoung! i’m coming! i’m—” you grasp him as hard as humanly possible, your third orgasm of the night ripping through you.
for a few moments, soonyoung continues to thrust into you, trying to help you through your orgasm, but he doesn’t last, quickly pulling out and coming all over you, cords of white coloring your stomach, chest, even your face. you gasp, bits of it landing in your mouth. you lick the corners of your lips as you come down from your high, smiling a little when you finally get to taste soonyoung.
“holy shit…” he huffs, sitting back on his heels and throwing his head back. you try not to gawk at how beautiful he looks on his knees like this, his still semi-hard cock covered in your pleasure.
“c’mere.” speaking suddenly feels like such a chore as you realize how sleepy you are.
soonyoung half obeys, leaning forward to kiss you quickly before getting out of bed and ignoring all your protests over it. he returns from his restroom with a towel, gently wiping you both clean, even leaving kisses as he goes. it’s like he’s making up for his seven years.
“how do you feel?” he asks when he slips back into bed, pulling the covers over the both of you.
“like i’m in love,” you say, eyes closing as you curl into his chest. he laughs as he wraps his arms around you. “it was perfect. thank you, soonie.”
he kisses the top of your head. “i’m sorry about how weird i’ve been acting these last few weeks… and i’m sorry for thinking i could just… end our friendship like that.”
you open your eyes and crane your neck to look at him. “i wouldn’t have let you,” you inform him. he grins. “and i didn’t.”
“you didn’t,” he agrees. you hum. “i love you.”
“wait… do you love me?!” you ask jokingly after hearing it at least a dozen times tonight.
he rolls his eyes. “good to know our dynamic is going to be fine.”
you giggle. “i love you more.”
“whoa, fighting words.”
“ten years, soonyoung.”
“it was ten years for me too!” he protests.
you frown.
“i gave myself seven years before i forced myself to move on,” he reminds you. “i loved you long before that, you fool.”
you glare but your heart swells. you hug him even tighter. “so… what are we?’
“are you fucking kidding me?”
you laugh, burying your face in his bare chest. “yeah, i am. i’m joking.”
he pinches your side. “good. it would’ve been awkward to have to inform you you’re my wife now.”
you shriek-laugh and you know it’s infectious from the way he bursts into laughter at your reaction too. you spend the rest of the night like that, talking about the moments you knew you were in love, joking around, and planning your new decade and your new life, your birthday party long forgotten.
just before you both drift off to sleep, you exchange your last i-love-yous of the night.
“good night, love of mine,” he whispers.
“mine,” you repeat, smiling. “yours.”
you know your 30s are going to be the best years of your life.
⭑ pairing: speakeasy owner!hoshi x gangster!f.reader
٠࣪⭑ for: puttin' on the ritz collab hosted by @studiosvt
٠࣪⭑ summary: Nothing’s ever been serious where you’re concerned, especially the way you flirt with him, but when Soonyoung overhears something he shouldn’t, and your perfect mask slips, he starts to wonder if you’ve been keeping other secrets hidden in the dark.
٠࣪⭑ genre: 1920s mafia AU, set in NYC during the prohibition. smut, angst, happy ending
٠࣪⭑ rating: explicit. minors do not interact, i'll block you.
٠࣪⭑ warnings: guns, violence, blood, nothing gory but there is a gunshot wound, brief implication of torture but none described, cheol gets punched (sorry cheol), a hidden pregnancy and subsequent child, theft, drinking, smoking, typical misogyny of the era, deception. (listen, it's hard to be anything more than morally grey when you're the daughter of a mafia boss, but i tried to make her somewhat redeemable 💔)
٠࣪⭑ smut warnings: kissing, unprotected sex (don't be silly), oral (m receiving), fingering.
if you think i've forgotten any warnings please let me know so i can fix my post!
٠࣪⭑wc: 10.6k (complete)
٠࣪⭑ a/n: hello loves! i'm not normally one for writing children into fics, but for this one and the time it's set in, it felt right. this was meant to be posted ages ago but i was so busy i couldn't write for a while, and then i meant to finish it the other day but my afternoon got taken over looking after a pigeon. no rest for the wicked, ig.
٠࣪⭑ thank yous: enormous thank u 2 my beloved @starlightkyeom for reading this over in the early hours of the morning, i adore you, @joshujin for the banner (incredible as always), and @gyuswhore for the extra time 💕
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
Now
“What are you doing here? He might see–”
“It’s about him, Miss. We need t–”
“Damn it, Seungcheol. Inside, quickly now.”
He doesn’t mean to listen in, never would consider invading your space without being invited, but Soonyoung’s on his way back from the storeroom when he catches your voice echoing down the corridor. Rounds the corner to see your back pressed against the door frame, and Seungcheol, the club’s bouncer, passing through it. You hastily close the door behind you, but not quite enough. He knows all too well how it sticks, sometimes.
Soonyoung hears the whispering, and inches forward as he hears his name. You and Seungcheol together, in that room? Well, repugnance rises in him like bile. What could you be doing, inviting another man into the dressing room– yours Wednesday through Sunday– when you’d swore blind that he was the only one for you? How could you do this in his place, right under his damn nose.
Are you raising your skirt for Seungcheol, like you do for him? Are you showing him how wet you get? Or worse… are you telling him of your dreams? Does he know how badly you want to be done with this place, this city, this life? Does Seungcheol tell you you’re a star? Does he say that you could shine bright anywhere in the world with that voice of yours, that face, and that he’d take you away with him one day, when the time is right?
He’s holding his breath outside the door, can’t decide yet whether to burst in or to leave it entirely, but then he hears the flick of your lighter, and the mention of his investor’s name out of Seungcheol’s mouth.
Soonyoung’s eyebrows draw together. Of course Seungcheol knows him– he’d expect nothing less of his investor to have someone on the inside to keep a close eye, but what takes him aback is that you seem to know him too.
“What’ll you have me tell Sugar, Miss?” asks Seungcheol.
There’s a long silence before you answer.
“Are you sure it’s Soonyoung?” you ask shortly.
“We are,” insists Seungcheol. “Minghao checked the records and the safe, too. He’s ready for something– seems he’s been getting ready for some time.”
Soonyoung’s blood runs cold. They know. Shit– it’s a wonder they haven’t got him tied to a chair and beaten blue already. He needs to go, needs to take the case he’s kept hidden for months, needs to take the money (if it’s still there) and leave this wretched place– but you, and the sudden quandary of your involvement in this keeps him rooted to the spot. Do you work for them too? Have you been telling Sugar all his secrets? Was spying on him the sole reason you seduced him, all those years ago?
“Miss– Miss are you listening? Your father wants you to handle this yourself.”
Father.
Your father.
Soonyoung almost loses his stomach, right there in the corridor.
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
June 1923
“Why The Blue Pearl?” you ask, passing him your half-smoked cigarette.
Soonyoung has lost count of the amount of times he’s laid like this with you, in his little apartment in Hell’s Kitchen, but tonight is special. It’s his birthday, and although it’s a Monday, you brought him a cake, haphazardly decorated (but at least delicious), and told him to make a wish.
You’re in your slip, palest pink, which was bunched up around your waist only ten minutes prior, with your bare legs resting over his. He told you once his favourite part of you were your legs, but they’re not. It’s your eyes, and the starshine within them.
“For my mother,” he answers, flicking the ash into a tray on his nightstand and taking a drag. “She loved Edith Hallor. They worked on Broadway together, she even came for dinner at the house a few times.”
“Your mother’s an actress?” The surprise is evident in your voice.
“Nah. She worked on costumes.” Soonyoung smiles ruefully. “Edith was her favourite. We talked about seeing the movie together but Ma passed before it started showing.”
You turn onto your side, body pressed flush against his own and you look at him with those pretty eyes and tell him how sorry you are.
“I didn’t know, Soonie,” you say.
“How could you?” he says, stubbing out the cigarette and stifling a yawn. “I never mentioned her before now.”
“How’d she go?”
“Influenza, like every other fucker in the city.”
“You oughtn’t curse when talking about your mother!” you scold him, smacking lightly at his chest.
Soonyoung laughs and grabs your hand, twines your fingers together and holds them over his heart.
“She must’ve been a good woman,” you say quietly.
“What makes you say such a thing?”
“She raised you, didn’t she?” You press your lips to his jaw. “Only a wonderful person could’ve raised a man like you.”
And it’s the first time he’s heard you so serious in the few years since you met. Three or four nights a week you spend in his club, winking at him from your place on the stage, sitting at the bar after your set and asking him to stop washing glasses so he can come show you some of his moves. You’ve always loved the way he dances, throwing your head back laughing as he helps you with the steps, calling him New York's very own Rudolph Valentino. He’s never seen you in the daylight, but around you, he’s never felt anything but sunshine.
“What did you wish for?” you ask gently. “When you blew out your candle?”
He smiles. Some variation of the picket-fence fantasy he’s played out in his head so many times over the last few years. Pictures you in lights, maybe he teaches folk how to dance, and you’re both coming home to a house you share. Imagines what your children would look like, wonders if he could ever feel a kick underneath his palm on your belly, as his mother said his father did.
“Would you marry me?”
And as soon as those hasty words hang in the air he regrets them.
“Soonyoung–” you start, quietly, stroking his cheek. “I– I can’t. I’m sorry.”
And he knows you love him, even though you’ve never said the words aloud. Knows because of the way you look at him, the way you only have eyes for him in a room full of rich, handsome men– ones with status and power and everything else a woman like you could have. But it’s him you keep coming back to, it’s his name you gasp into his sheets, and you say it’s only him who’s ever made you feel so alive.
He closes his eyes. Lets you kiss his collarbone and his jaw and his cheek and his eyelids and say I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I wish… I wish–
“Why can’t you?” he asks, so crestfallen, as you kiss into his hair.
You hesitate, so he presses again.
“My family,” you whisper. “My daddy, mostly. He’d never allow it.”
He swallows the lump in his throat. “Because I’m–”
“No,” you quickly interject. “It’s nothing to do with you. He just has other plans for me, Soonyoung. Ones that don’t involve wasting my time on anything as trivial as love.”
Love.
Soonyoung turns his face to you, and God, you look as dejected as he feels. So he lets you kiss him and kiss him and kiss him until he wonders if maybe this kind of love could be enough.
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
Now
“I know, Seungcheol.” You take a long drag of your cigarette, running your finger along the rim of your champagne coupe, the vibration of it singing. “Let me think.”
It’s quite the surprise that Soonyoung would betray your father after close to a decade. He’s been as loyal as they come, careful with the staff he hires and even more so with the money. As of late there’s been a shortfall, and your fool of a brother had speculated it could be due to increased patrols in the area, as reported at other establishments under The Mob’s control, but you hadn’t noticed any difference in the level of patronage. You’d suspected one of the barmen or waitresses, maybe. Not Soonyoung. Never him.
But it seems Soonyoung finally got the balls to do what he’d always talked about with you. Get some money together and escape this wretched place. And you knew he wanted out badly, but had no idea this was how he planned to do it. What a crying shame he had to be so reckless as to steal from your father.
So you swallow your resentment as you stub out your cigarette. Your father might be out for blood but he’ll be keen to let you handle this mess, and if you can pin the blame elsewhere you’ll take every opportunity. If nothing else, you can buy Soonyoung some time.
“Follow him tonight,” you say, eyeing the crack in the door and the shadow that moves across it. “Don’t let him know, just see where he goes.”
Seungcheol frowns. “Sugar will be expecting you to have him brought in.”
“We ought to find out where the money is first, don’t you think?” You stand, smoothing down your dress. “You can pick him up once we find out where he’s keeping it.”
Your longtime bodyguard still seems hesitant, so you say, “Come on, Cheolie. You’ll want some variety by now, surely? A bit of detective work will be a nice change from looking after little old me?”
“It’s a pleasure to look out for you, Miss.”
You smile at him.
Seungcheol is your man. He’s been more of a brother these last ten years than your own blood has ever been. Loyal to you over your father, as he’s proved time and time again, but you’ve always known to keep your cards close to your chest until the time is right. You’ll tell Seungcheol the truth about you and Soonyoung, just as soon as you figure out what the hell you’re going to do.
“Sweet Seungcheol. You don’t know how thankful I am for you.” You walk over to him and blood flushes his face ruddy as you reach up to kiss his cheek. “But don’t you dare question my methods again.”
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
December 1919
“Joshua tells me you can sing?” asks Soonyoung, throwing the towel over his shoulder.
“Yes sir,” you say, leaning across the bar to pluck an olive from the bowl. A smile tugs at his mouth at your self-assuredness. “I’ve always wanted to perform in a place like this. It’s beautiful.”
You’re right, it is beautiful. It’d be even more so with your face up there on the stage, but he needs to hear your voice first. No use having a singer who can’t hold a tune. It’s thanks to Sugar that he can afford a performer at all. Without his investment it’d be just like any other gin joint cropping up around the city.
“Well go on now,” he says, nodding toward the centre of the room. “Stage is yours, sweetheart.”
You look around, an uncertain expression on your face. “But– there’s no music.”
Soonyoung places his hands on the bar and leans close, a smirk playing on his lips. “Aren’t you the music?”
And your voice is as spectacular as your face. His jaw hangs slack as you deliver your final notes and he can’t quite believe you’re gunning for here rather than Broadway. Rather than Hollywood. There’s been talk of modern advances that’ll allow sound in the next few years. You should surely be there, readying for the spotlights and the cameras instead singing to regular folk in this smokey room. You’re a ready made star.
He wonders where you might’ve come from, or how you even know Joshua. Anyone can tell you come from money, without a ring on your finger and standing there with a string of pearls around your neck and diamonds dripping from your ears. Your fur coat drapes over the chair at the bar, and your dress is made of silk rather than cotton, like his shirt. Women like you only come to places like this to drink and find men to marry, not to work for ten dollars a night.
“By that look on your face, I’m thinking you’ll have me, Mr Kwon?”
Your winning smile is all sunshine.
“You can call me Soonyoung, sweetheart,” he says, resting his chin on his hands. “Yes, I’ll have you.”
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
Now
What can he do? What is there to do? You’re having him followed by his own Goddamn bouncer so he can’t very well leave now, can he? Soonyoung’s worldview has been flipped upside down and every carnal instinct he has tells him to run, but he finds himself back behind the bar in thirty seconds flat. Joshua gives him an uneasy smile as he watches him knock back a thumbmeasure of gin.
“Not like you to work through the supplies before the night’s even started,” he remarks, buffing a mark from the glass and setting it on the shelf above him. “Are you unwell?”
“Got a headache,” Soonyoung bluffs.
He’ll have to wait. Go about his business as he would’ve a few months prior and just go home after lock up, instead of to his cousin’s apartment on the Lower East Side. Maybe once Seungcheol’s off his tail he can move the money back. Maybe he could ask Jihoon to–
And the music starts, but this time he can’t even look at you as you take centre stage in your sparkling, silver dress. You sing your first and last songs for him, you always said, making eyes across the room through the haze of smoke and putting all your heart in it. This time, he can only think of his naivety, his carelessness, and the depths of your betrayal. All these years you’ve never been his at all. And the despair nearly makes its way onto his face as the song carries on, and he keeps playing pretend all is well.
Of course he’s heard stories of Sugar’s children. Knows about the oaf of a son that spends all his money on expensive liquor and cheap whores. Knows no one trusts him to inherit the empire, and that Sugar himself speaks of his uselessness. Everyone talks of how the girl is favoured, that she doesn’t have a drop of hesitation in her when it comes to putting someone in their place, and that when she kills it’s cold and clean.
So you’ve certainly inherited your father’s traits, haven’t you? All sweetness and charm and warmth until the time comes, aren’t you? Are you as cutthroat as him? Do you care anything at all for the blood spilled in his name? Have you used that twisted method of his, sweetened boiled water, poured over flesh?
And suddenly all his memories feel like falsehoods, and the loving words whispered in his ear feel like deceit and he can’t believe he fell for a play like this. Of course you wouldn’t want him. Of course he was just a job to you.
Soonyoung knows nothing at all, it seems.
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
March 1925
“I’m leaving, Soonyoung.”
You’re fixing your hair in the mirror as he pulls his braces back over his shoulders. His face has that lovely flush it gets after you’ve had your way with him. Eyes still a little soft, and a lazy, self-assured smile plays on cherry smeared lips.
He smiles wide. “Come kiss me again then, sweetheart.”
“No, baby.” You turn with a sad smile. “I’m going away.” His face falls, and you can’t look at him, casting your eyes to the floor. “I know a girl who can sing and she’ll fill my spot, she’s coming to see you about it on Monday evening.”
“Where you going?” he asks under his breath.
“Los Angeles.” The lie slides off your tongue like honey. “A man from Hollywood heard me singing last week. Says I have a face good enough that I could be a movie star there, maybe.”
Soonyoung’s expression goes all hard and soft, upticks his brows in effort not to let you see how it breaks him inside, and you know this was the perfect story. He’d never dream of standing in your way. He’s nothing at all like your daddy. Nothing at all like your new husband, except for a little something in the way his mouth is shaped. It’s what makes it bearable, sometimes, that when you have to kiss him you can sometimes imagine it’s Soonyoung instead.
What breaks your heart in two is the way he smiles, so forlornly, when he quietly tells you– “you’re the star in any room you walk in, baby.”
And he must see the despondent look on your face, because his arms come around your body in a second, and you almost cry. Would do anything to stay here, with him, in this place, in his arms. But if you were to stick around, he’ll see the way your body will surely grow, and he’ll have questions you couldn’t possibly answer. You’re not the shark your father considers you to be, not with him. With Soonyoung, you’re the person you always wanted to be.
“I’ll miss you,” you say into his chest, voice choked, and for the first time today, in ages, it’s something honest.
“I’ll visit,” he offers, though you know that even if you’d give him your address he could never make time to travel to where he thinks you’ll be, somewhere across the country, while under the thumb of a man like your father.
You swallow. “That’d be wonderful.”
And he kisses you deep, kisses you like it’s the last one he’ll ever have, puts all his love for you in it and you take it, just like you’re taking everything else of his.
“You’ll write me, won’t you?” he whispers, his panted breath fanning your lips.
“Of course I will.”
Of course, you don’t.
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
Now
Three days go by without movement before your father’s patience wears thin. ‘Fuck the money,’ he’d growled, his deceptively sweet face turned sour. ‘Kill him.’ And so you’re outside Soonyoung’s apartment, a revolver cold against your skin under your fur coat, and Seungcheol is at the wheel.
But daddy doesn’t know that Seungcheol is your guy, and although he’s never called you anything but Miss, he’s always had something akin to a brotherly affection for you. And you know it’s no easy ask, what you’ve told him you need tonight– but he’ll do it. You can see he’s still working through your revelations, and it’s left his jaw set so tight it must surely ache. It’s a pity the outcome of tonight will have a price to pay, but for Seungcheol you’ll do everything you can to lessen his beating.
“Will he go along with it, Miss?”
You suck in a breath. “Depends if he wants to live.”
He bristles. Hesitates a moment before saying, “I don’t like it, Miss. Not one little bit. What if he h–”
“Well you’ll be right there, won’t you, Cheolie? Come fetch me when the lights go out.”
You give his arm a squeeze before he gets out to open your car door. There’s a chill tonight, your breath fogs the air and you pull your coat tighter around your body. Low light flickers in the window of Soonyoung’s apartment, and a shadow moves across it. He’s been watching.
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
24th December 1924
The Blue Pearl always feels so much warmer at Christmas, with all the lights and the decorations and the huge tree dressed in red and gold in the corner of the room. He’s strung up paper stars and mistletoe all over the place, holly and ivy adorn the piano behind you, and a red ribbon bow is tied perfectly around your microphone.
Soonyoung certainly knows how to throw a party. Joshua and Vernon are run off their feet making drinks, and the girls are busy entertaining men throwing their money around like they haven’t got families at home, but Soonyoung– he’s watching you, elbows on the bar and chin resting on the heel of his palm, some proud stupid-in-love kind of look in his eyes as he smiles while you deliver your final verse.
The last notes from the piano ring in the air, and the audience still sober enough to stand do so, the noise of cheering and whooping and clapping feels almost like the roar of the ocean.
“Be sure to tip your bartenders and waitresses well tonight,” you call into the mic, smiling wide. Joshua and Vernon glance up at you with appreciation and you wink at them. “Merry Christmas everyone!”
The band kicks up again as one of the regulars helps you off stage with a firm hand, and though you only have eyes for the man behind the bar in his pinstripe shirt, unbuttoned at the collar on account of the heat in this room, you’re stopped numerous times by patrons on your way over to him. So you offer them your smile and try to slip away before Soonyoung gets caught up in some menial task that doesn’t involve stealing away to your dressing room.
“You’re too good for this place,” Soonyoung says as you finally approach the bar.
You wrinkle your nose. “And yet something keeps me coming back.”
He laughs and leans across the bar, pressing his palms flat on the counter. Looks good enough to kiss.
“Can I fix you a drink, sweetheart?” he asks, a soft lilt in his voice.
“No,” you say. “But you can come dance with me.”
“I’m working.”
“A feeble excuse,” you tease. “You’ve been watching me for the past five minutes.”
“Twenty at least,” complains a passing Vernon, and you giggle.
“C’mon, Soonyoung,” you pout. “Just one dance.”
“Might as well go, boss,” calls Joshua, shaking a cocktail. “We’ve got things handled, and your girl won’t stop sulking until she gets all your attention.”
Soonyoung laughs again, pushing his tongue into his cheek and you grin, triumphant.
And so one dance turns into two turns into five turns into slipping away to the back door, a needy Soonyoung on your heels down the corridor. Sweat drips down your skin and he kisses down your neck in the privacy of your dressing room, the cold wall against your back stealing your breath from your lungs. The noise from the club is muffled now. In here, it’s warm lamplight and the scent of powder, and Soonyoung pressing into the gap between your legs, tongue and teeth working over the sensitive spot below your ear.
You lean back just enough to breathe, and he follows instinctively, chasing your mouth. There’s something in his face that makes your chest ache– something open and unguarded and fervent.
“On your knees,” he breathes.
You’ve always loved this side of Soonyoung. This urgency, this passion, how he loses himself in you completely. Even more so on nights like this, when you wear his favourite dress and that perfume he says smells like sin. Something about it makes him forget the tenderness you see when you’re in his apartment in the middle of the night, casts it aside in favour of raw, carnal desire. Makes you feel so desperately wanted, because no one else would dare make demands of you like this.
And so you look up at him with wide eyes as you sink to the floor, and he undoes his belt. Soonyoung smirks dirty as you work the buttons of his fly– lets out some low, pleased hum as you tug his cock free and wrap your hand firm around his girth. He stares down at you with parted lips and hungry eyes, cheeks flushing pretty as you stroke him. Groans soft when you roll your hand over the head, and watches, enraptured, when your free hand finds the space between your own legs. And though he can’t see the way you slide your finger over your bare clit beneath the hem of your dress, the way you suck in a breath is enough to inspire his imagination.
Your eyes flit up to meet his again as you lean in, flicking your tongue over the bead of moisture gathering at the head and his hands fly to your hair, gathers it in his fist as your mouth sinks over him with hollowed cheeks. He hisses as you pull back, swirl your tongue around the head and take him fully in again. Panted breaths fall from parted lips as you slip into a rhythm, fingers circled around the base as take him deep in your mouth again and again. His leaking cock twitches against your lips when you pull back, when you tease the slit with your tongue and his desperate moan is so sweet to your ears.
His breaths are falling broken and rapid and you’re heated by the sound of it, fingers sinking deep into your wet cunt and it’s almost enough to get you off, this power you have over him, but he’s swearing something filthy and incoherent as he tugs you off him and drags you up to press you back against the wall.
“Can’t–” he pants against your mouth, stopping to kiss you deep and messy. “Need to feel how wet you are.”
You smirk, arching your back and lifting your leg to rest your foot on the vanity, and Soonyoung responds instantly, fingers spreading against the small of your back, drawing you in until there’s no air between you. Finds your lips and kisses you hard and senseless. Your hand slides from his collar up into his hair, feeling the soft strands at his nape, tugging gently just to hear the way his breath hitches.
His hand goes to your thigh, sliding over your stockings and brushing his fingers over the soft skin in the gap between the band and the hem of your corset. You snag his earlobe between your teeth, reach for his cock to pump him slow and easy and he groans, dimpling the flesh of your thigh beneath his fingertips.
And finally his hand finds your centre, and his eyes blow wide. Stares at you for a long moment before you say, “Merry Christmas, baby.”
He laughs loud, doesn’t waste any time before pressing between your legs and lining his cock up against your entrance and sinking into your tight, wet heat. “Filthy girl,” he rasps, bottoming out inside you and watching your lips fall apart. “Anyone could’ve seen.”
“Only you,” you gasp as he pulls out slow just to fuck back in hard. And he drops his head to your shoulder, smirks against your skin as he takes you like this, filling you with an exquisite stretch. You slip your arms beneath his shirt and around his back, fingers on sweat-slick skin, feeling the tension in the hard lines of definition there and his pace hastens, pushing hard into your wet cunt, clenching tight around him.
The buckle of his belt is digging into your inner thigh, biting at the flesh and you know it’ll leave a raw mark there, but some indistinct part of you wants it. Wants his lasting impression on your skin, because between all the small, fading scars you’ve been given by others, at least one should belong to him. Makes you want to make your own, crescent moons in his back, and Soonyoung makes a deliciously lewd noise as you dig in, and it’s all you can focus on beyond the sound his skin slapping against yours, the slick of his cock buried in your pussy, and a moan sliding from your throat.
And then he’s moving, lifting you into his arms and finding the chair in the corner of the room before falling into it. He holds you in his lap as you drag your dress over your shoulders and toss it to the floor– drops his face into your cleavage and mouths at your skin when you lift up to line his cock up against your entrance again and sink back down.
You steady yourself with hands on his shoulders as you lean back, let him see the mess he’s made of you, the sheen of your wetness on the base of his cock as you tighten around him. He curses, throws his head back and closes his eyes, cock twitching inside your pussy, and you know he won’t last much longer.
“Feels good,” you gasp.
“Yeah?” he slurs. “Shit, baby, tell me just how good I fuck you.”
Soonyoung all but shakes as you ride him, talking him through it dirty and obscene, circling your hips and grinding against him. This new position is blinding, almost, the way he feels so impossibly deep– made infinitely more so when his thumb circles your clit and you release a broken cry. That white-hot wave rushes through your veins, that telltale, dirty squelch where your bodies connect, and you’re rendered incoherent as he steadies his feet on the ground and fucks up into you, gathering the wetness that spills from your cunt with his fingers and running rapid circles over your clit. You come with a violent tremor and a fragmented whine, and Soonyoung swears, leans forward to bury his face in your chest again and lets out a velvet moan.
“God–” he chokes, eyes aflame. “Sweetheart, I’m gonna–”
“Inside me, baby. Wanna feel it.”
“Fuck fuck fuck– oh my God,” he gasps, words muffled against your skin, fingers digging into your hips to still them as he spills cum into your shaking body.
You press your forehead to his, and though it’s been several years of this– years of coming to each other in the dead of night, stealing away to your dressing room to press pause on time like this, you’re dying to tell him what he means to you. God, if you could you’d have married him years ago. He hasn’t told you he loves you since that night in his apartment with a crudely decorated cake, but you know he still does. Nothing else has changed.
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
Now
Soonyoung pulls open the door as soon as you knock.
“What are you doing here?” he asks evenly. “We don’t see each other on Mondays.”
You tilt your head, smiling in a way that doesn’t reach your eyes. Did you always smile like that? Is it only now that he knows who you are that he sees beyond the mask?
“Won’t you invite me in, Soonie?”
And he considers turning you out, but with Seungcheol sitting downstairs in the same Cadillac Sedan that was always parked outside your building, he figures it’ll only be a matter of time.
You glide past him like you own the place. Every room you’ve been in has been yours. He’d put it down to your quality, your inner light, but now he understands it comes with the ego that comes with carrying the name of a man that runs the whole Goddamn city. Your gloved fingers brush the edge of the table, the fabric of the curtains. You glance out the window, down to the car sitting outside and the amber end of Seungcheol’s cigarette, glowing in the dark. And he watches the way you turn, clocking the suitcase half-packed, the mess of papers on the countertop, and his coat draped over the chair rather than on the hook.
“You’re wondering about the case… I’m visiting my aunt in W–”
“Give it up, baby,” you say softly. “Let’s not pretend you don’t know who I am.”
He forces a laugh, before asking– “what’re you talking about?”
“Oh, Soonyoung.” You slip off your gloves finger by finger. He watches the movement. Two weeks back he’d have pulled those same gloves off with his teeth. “You were never any good at lying.”
The air thickens around him, jaw tightening. So this is it? These are his final hours? Moments? God, how he wishes he could’ve gone out in blissful ignorance. Wishes he could’ve gone out loving you as he thought you were, rather than loving a fabrication.
“So you’re here on your father’s business?”
You laugh, and the sound cuts him.
“I’m here on my–”
“Don’t lie to me! Sugar sent you, right?” he asks coldly, a tick in his jaw when you nod. “Well, you can tell him I’m flattered. I did wonder if I was worth a personal visit.”
You stare at him, and Soonyoung can’t bear the look in your eyes. “You’re worth everything to me.”
“Spare me the bullshit!” He hates the sound of his voice, all sharp and unkind and not a tone he’s ever used with you. “All these years you’ve been spying on me, huh?”
All that anger coiled in his gut over the last few days unfurls– the flames ripping up his gullet and out of his mouth with every intention of burning you like you did him. He’s only in this mess because of you anyway. Because of his stupid, reckless love for you. “Bet you laughed about it! Bet you have some other man in your bed and you laughed at me and my ignorance and what a fool I’ve been for you!”
And it spurs him on– the way your jaw clenches and the way you can’t look at him.
“Did you really have to screw me too? You had to go and make me love you? What was that for, sweetheart? Your fucking ego? Fuck you!”
You regard him for a moment, and Soonyoung is thrown by your silence. Instead of fighting with him all you do is huff a frustrated breath and reach into your purse for your cigarettes. You take a seat at the table by the window before lighting one, and pointedly gesturing for him to sit down too.
The audacity of you– telling him to sit in his own fucking home. The anger fizzes at his bones, near vibrates in him, but it’s not enough to stop him from noticing how tired you look. He can’t sit. He’s incensed. Feels the rage in his fucking bones and you’re just sitting there with your cigarette in furs your daddy must’ve paid for and expecting him to be reasonable, expecting him to buy any lie you’re selling.
Instead he puts more space between you, fetches his almost empty glass from the counter and the bottle beside it and pours himself another drink– barely a second later he knocks it back.
You cross your legs and gaze out of the window, and after a long, silent moment, you quietly ask– "Why'd you think I left that gap in the door?” Soonyoung scowls but he doesn’t answer. “I wanted you to hear. I wanted to buy you some time while I–”
“Bullshit. You could’ve talked to me!”
“Don’t be naive–” You take a quick drag of your cigarette. “I had to be sure we weren’t being watched.”
“And what of the last eight years?!” he cries, voice cracking. “If you’d told me the damn truth I would’ve understood! I’d have caused no hassle–”
“Don’t speak to me of causing hassle when you’re the one who’s been cheating my father out of his money.” Your lip curls, a bitterness on your tongue. “There was no hassle until you saw fit to take what isn’t yours. This is your doing, Soonyoung, and I’m the one here to fix it.”
And though he scoffs, he’s losing steam. Can’t work out why you’re trying to convince him you’re not here to bring him to meet his maker. What’s the point? Can’t piece together the image of the you that sits here as Sugar’s daughter, and the you that he kisses so sweet whenever he gets the opportunity.
“So tell me,” he says bitterly, pouring himself another glass. “Was I just a job?”
“You think I needed to seduce you to keep tabs on you?” you shoot back. “I could’ve watched you from across the room and learned everything. You were as loyal as me until I came back.”
“Then why would you get involved with me at all?”
“Because I love you, Soonyoung.”
The words hang heavy in the air. He rolls his eyes but fuck, he wants to believe it. You stand, crossing the room slowly to stand on the other side of the counter. You take his glass from his hand and he lets you, watches you swallow it down, the movement in your throat, and the lipstick you leave on the rim.
He shakes his head. “You lied to me.”
You put your hand on the counter, barely an inch from his own. “Yes.”
“About who you are– about why you were there.”
“Yes, I did.”
Each admission is a punch to the gut, and you don’t even try to soften the blow.
“What about Hollywood– was that a lie too?”
A pause, and Soonyoung watches the mask slip– catches a flash of fear in your eyes before you close them. “Yes,” you breathe.
He swallows. “So where were you? Over a year you were gone– were you still in New York, jerking around some other guy running your fathers’ clubs?”
“I was not,” you insist.
“So where?”
“New Jersey.”
Soonyoung’s laugh is loud and sharp. “Jeez. All that time I missed you thinking you were thousands of miles away. You’re unbelievable. A dirty fuckin’ liar.”
“And you’re a thief!” you all but yell, but he shouts over you with a snapped– “You know damn well he was taking too much–
“Oh! Don’t pretend you’re some fucking angel, Soonyoung,” you hiss, cutting him off. “You stole from my father!”
“I stole from a brute!”
The silence almost rings. Wonders if you might slap him across the face before your eyebrows tick up in a sort of amused resignation, and you let out a dark chuckle.
“If he’s a brute, then I’m a brute,” you say.
And he can’t find it in him to agree. Yes. You might be, but he can’t bring himself to say it aloud. After a moment, your hand draws back, and you’re reaching into the lining of your coat. You pull out a revolver, and Soonyoung’s heart thrums in his ears as you set it carefully on the table between you.
“He wants me to kill you, Soonyoung.”
“I figured,” he says hoarsely, mouth going dry. “Been wondering why you haven’t done it already.”
“Well the thing is, baby,” you murmur. “I rather like you alive.”
He looks at the gun. Can’t imagine you using that thing, can’t picture you as the woman he’s heard all those rumours about. That stone cold killer.
“You had me followed.”
“Yes.”
“So you’re handing me over? Having someone else do your dirty work?”
“No, Soonyoung. You’re going to run.”
The certainty in your voice makes him look up.
“Run?” he echoes. “I don’t understand.”
“In a few minutes,” you say, slipping off your coat and tossing it to the armchair behind you. “You’re gonna go downstairs and take that car of mine and drive far far away. Wait til you’re a few states over and sell it. Buy another car somewhere else and keep going. The money you stole, plus a little extra, is on the backseat. It’s enough to get you set up on the west coast. Or in Mexico if you’re smart about it. Personally I’d rather be on the other side of the world.”
Soonyoung lets out a tiny, disbelieving laugh. “I– what?”
“You’re gonna change your name, and then you’re gonna find somewhere to settle down and live an honest life. Keep yourself out of trouble. Start teaching dance, like you always said, maybe? And if you want– if you can forgive me, you can write me–” You reach into your coat again, pulling out a scrap of paper and placing it in front of him. It’s the address to your apartment. “–write me here. They don’t know about this place but don’t sign your name and don’t write anything about our past– just in case. Draw a little star in the corner so I know it’s you.”
You say it so earnestly that Soonyoung can hardly breathe. Feels his heartbeat in his throat and he’s choked with it. You’re helping him? God, he wants it to be true, despite everything.
“I don’t understand,” he says, voice thick. “What about Seungcheol?”
“There’s no need to worry about him,” you explain. “He’s mine. He’ll leave the keys for you on the seat as soon as the lights go out in here.”
He thinks it over. Chews on the fat of his cheek until he can taste metal. And you just stand there, quietly regarding him, and waiting for him to accept that he must mean something to you, for you to go to all this trouble.
“And–” he eventually starts, voice so small. “And what of the gun?”
You smile a little sad.
Oh so gently, you say, “You’re gonna have to shoot me, baby.”
And Soonyoung feels all the blood drain from his face. He– he can’t find the words– just gapes at you like a dolt as you don’t seem affected in the slightest, as if it were a simple conversation about the damn weather.
You push it closer and he stares at it in disbelief. He’s kept a gun behind the bar of The Blue Pearl for eight years and he’s never once had to use it. The thought makes him feel somewhat sick.
“No.”
You huff a small, frustrated breath. “I’m not telling you to kill me. Aim low.” You place your hand on your abdomen, just below your belly button– and Soonyoung can’t imagine it, maiming your body in such a way. “Seungcheol’s right outside to t–”
He shakes his head. “You’re crazy–”
“My father won’t believe I let you get away without a str–”
“This is ridiculous–”
“Soonyoung, please,” you try to reason. “There has to be some ev–”
“No!” Soonyoung grabs for your hand, tightens his fingers around yours, and he catches a flicker of contrition in your eyes at the touch. “I can’t do this!”
“You must!”
“Tell him you killed me!” he begs, almost delirious. Panic is taking grip of his spine, a cold sweat forming on his brow. “Tell him you tossed my body in the river and take the money back. I’ll leave! He need never know!”
“Soonyoung, listen to me!” you snap, eyes hard and resolute. “He’d never believe it without a body. If I were to tell him you were dead without your blood on my hands he’d know in a heartbeat what I feel for you, and then you have no idea what he’d do to us both. You have no idea how cruel he can be. Family means nothing to him without loyalty. You’ve heard the stories about what he did to my mother, don’t think for a second he wouldn’t do that to me too.”
And he hates the way your time together has come to this crashing end. Can’t stand the way you shake his hand off to take the bottle and pour yourself a large glass. You down it quickly, a few drops of liquor spilling from the corners of your mouth, that you brush away with your thumb.
“I can’t hurt you,” he whispers, voice cracking.
“Come on now,” you say firmly. “He’ll forgive me a screw up in letting you take my gun, but he’ll never even try to understand anything e–”
You’re interrupted with a sharp rap at the door and you snatch the gun from the counter, start to raise it toward the door before it’s cracked, and Seungcheol slips inside. He doesn’t acknowledge Soonyoung as he stands tall, hands clasped in front of him as he does at the club, and he says, “You’re taking too long, Miss.”
“I’m aware,” you say, frowning. There’s a resigned look of understanding between you as you hand him the gun. “Soonyoung’s finding it all a little difficult.”
Soonyoung lets out a scornful noise. “Oh, I apologise that I’m not inclined to hurt you for the sake of a lie!”
You place your hand over his, and he can’t bring it in him to snatch it away. Your thumb traces over his knuckles and you smile something pitiful, eyes welling up, and his heart is pounding in his chest. He’s never once seen you cry. You tug his hand up to your lips, press a soft, lingering kiss to his fingers, and under your breath, you murmur, “loving you is the only honest thing I ever did, baby.”
But then your hand slips away, and you turn towards Seungcheol. “Do it.”
And before Soonyoung can process what’s happening, before he can even blink, Seungcheol is raising the gun, and the shot rings in his ears.
Your cracked sob echoes in his skull as you crumple to the floor, and Soonyoung is over you in a heartbeat, your blood coating his trembling hands as he holds you, ugly stains on your silk dress, and all he can hear is useless, panicked whimpers before he realises those pathetic sounds are spilling from his own lips.
“Baby… baby, no–”
“Get out of the way,” Seungcheol grunts, wrenching him off of you. He presses his hands over your belly and pushes down in a way that has you crying out, eyes rolling so far back all he can see is the whites of them. And he knows that this sound, this moment, will stay with him forever.
“You–” you slur, reaching blindly for his hand. You grip him tight, and he finds some small relief in the strength of your fingers, but it’s not enough to make him feel any less hollow. “You need t– ah! Go, Soonyoung. Leave now.”
Seungcheol is lifting you, ignoring the way the movement draws a sharp gasp from your lungs, and your hand slips from his. “I’ve got you, Miss.”
“Where are you taking her?” Soonyoung demands, hysteria clawing at the edges of his vision as he’s losing you, losing everything he’s ever wanted.
“She needs a doctor,” Seungcheol mutters as he makes for the door. “Remember the plan. This is worth nothing if you don’t do as she says.”
Your body sags in his arms as he crosses the threshold, and Soonyoung’s stomach twists sharp. What if the last conversation he has with you was one in which he didn’t tell you how he loves you? What if you die not knowing all he wanted these last eight years was to make you his wife, to take you away from this wretched city and make you happy for the rest of your lives?
“I love you,” he calls urgently, tears spilling down his cheeks, as Seungcheol rushes you out.
And he doesn’t even know if you reply, if you even hear him, because Seungcheol is making down the stairs, and Soonyoung is left alone in his apartment once more, kneeling in a scarlet puddle.
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
April 1926
You’ve been back three days before he realises you don’t talk of Hollywood at all.
(Soonyoung’s world has shifted on its axis again, everything slid into view in full colour again as soon as you stepped through the door, and he didn’t care a jot for the glass he dropped on the floor, because you’re back. You were in his arms and you were spinning and laughing and kissing and God, he’s been so breathlessly happy since he saw you again, the first time in over a year.
“Can I come back?” you’d asked. “You’ll have me back here, won’t you?”
He’d tsked at the ridiculous question. “Like there’d be a shadow of a doubt,” he’d said. And you’d smiled, relieved.)
And now it’s well after hours– you’re on the rooftop of The Blue Pearl waiting for the sunrise, a champagne coupe in hand and leaning on the edge of the wall looking out over the city, while a million questions he’d long put to bed rise to the surface. His front presses against your back, arms caging you against the wall, and the familiar scent of your perfume overwhelms him again.
“Why didn’t you write?” Soonyoung asks quietly, when he finally builds up the courage.
The question doesn’t take you aback, and he wonders if you’ve been expecting it. Instead you just sigh, set your coupe on the ledge, and tip your head back against his shoulder.
“I wouldn’t have had a good word to tell you, baby,” you say sadly. “I would’ve come back in a heartbeat if I’d heard from you, and then it’ll have all been for nothing.”
He sits with that for a moment. “So why is it you’re back now?”
“My family wanted me back in the city,” you say, blinking up at the night sky. “And honestly, I just needed any excuse to come back to you. I only wish it were anywhere but here.”
“You missed me?” he whispers, face turned into your hair.
“Every day,” you admit, reaching for his hand and pulling it over your chest. “I missed you all the time.” And he has so many more questions, so many pieces of the puzzle lost, but you’re looking up at the sky and saying– “I looked at these stars every night and kept imagining you were looking too.”
And he did. He stood on this very rooftop and looked up at them fading, as they are now, and wondered where they went. Where do stars like you go in the light of day?
You talk for ages, until the sunrise shines amber between the buildings and you grow hungry and tired. He tells you to wait for him by the door (get your coat on, sweetheart, I’ll just be a minute) and he slips into the office.
He finds an old briefcase in the closet and opens the safe, heart hammering in his throat. He’s never dared before. Mainly because he’s not inclined to steal, but also because he knows what Sugar does to those who do. But all Soonyoung can think of is the look on your face when you spoke earlier, when you said anywhere but here. So he takes some bills and slips them inside the briefcase, and tries not to think of the way Sugar earned his name.
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
Now October 1926
Your father is incensed. You can tell that much, as your vision fades in and out. You cry out as you hear the crack of the back of his hand across Seungcheol’s face. It’s not his fault, daddy, you try to gasp out in the small respite you get while the doctor eases up on your body, but your father always has needed someone to punish.
At least he believes, you think, letting out a fractured sob as the doctor sinks his fingers into your belly again. At least Soonyoung’ll live.
Stupid of you really, to suggest being shot in the gut, when a leg would’ve probably worked out better. Sure, you might’ve once seen an artery hit there and watched a man’s life slip away within the minute, but bleeding out would’ve been better than the agonising throb of this doctor’s instruments digging around in your belly while someone else, blurry on the sidelines, fumbles his hands while drawing up the morphine.
But you can’t die without knowing if Soonyoung made it out of the city. God, you hope he’s been smart and not wasted time. You can’t die without holding your girl first, who only learned how to say mama last week, much to your husband’s chagrin, but it’s not like you’ve had any inclination to teach her a word unfit for his role in her life.
“You let this happen! You stupid motherfucker,” your father rages, and you hear a dull thud as he strikes Seungcheol again. “Where is he?!”
Gone, you hope. Please be gone.
“Saw him bolting for tenth avenue in her car when I carried her downstairs,” Seungcheol says, voice thick. “He must’ve taken her keys.”
Your father releases him and Seungcheol rags his hand over his face, smearing the blood dripping from his lip down his chin.
“Is she gonna be alright, Jeonghan?”
“We’ll see,” says the doctor, eyes wide and panicked. Jeonghan. You’ve only ever seen him in passing. You feel almost nothing now as your arm falls from the table, swinging down heavy and limp, and this Jeonghan almost looks like an angel, with the stark light in a ring above his head.
Seungcheol has gone ashen with worry, ignores his own bleeding face as he falls backwards against the wall, away from your father, who clenches his fists and growls “Find him!” to the men huddled just outside the door.
Please don’t. Please, God, don’t.
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
One Year Later
You get Soonyoung’s– or rather, Hoshi’s first letter, on a Tuesday morning, a star marked in the corner like you asked. It’s nothing much. Just one that wishes you well and asks if you’d like to visit ‘her’ at her new home in San Diego. You press your face into your arms and cry and cry and cry for what feels like a decade. This past year has had a weight on your chest like no other. He’s safe. He’s safe and he wants you to come to him.
You memorise the address and burn the letter, and write back as soon as you can pull yourself together.
Dear Hoshi,
It’s wonderful to hear from you. May I visit now?
Three weeks later, you get his reply. One word. Yes.
By midnight, you’re in the back of your car with your girl sleeping on your lap, somewhere between Pittsburgh and Columbus. Seungcheol is driving. Insists he’s not tired, despite the time, but you’ll make him swap out before the hour is up.
You’d considered not telling him at all, but you love him like a brother, and leaving him confused and hurt after everything he did for you would only break both your hearts. He said he’d always wanted to see the Pacific anyway, and surely there’ll be jobs in California for a guy like him.
Sweet Seungcheol. In truth it’s better he’s with you rather than left to deal with the fallout of your disappearance with your husband and your father. This way, there’ll be no one for them to question, no one who knows a thing about the secrets you share.
And it’s better for you too– if Soonyoung turns you and your girl away, at least you’ll be with someone you know, someone your girl knows as her favourite uncle, and you can find somewhere else to call home together.
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
He’s only home from work fifteen minutes before there’s a gentle knock at the door. He checks his reflection in the mirror and smooths back his hair, as he has so illogically done every single time someone’s visited since the day he posted that last letter, as if you could appear on his doorstep in an instant.
And he prepares himself for disappointment as he works to keep his pace even down the hallway, but he can’t stop his heart jumping into his throat.
You turn as he pulls open the door, a smile lighting up your lovely face. You’re unchanged. As radiant as the day he met you, more so in the dappled sunshine. How has it been a decade and this is the first time he’s seen you in the afternoon light?
“Hello, Soonyoung,” you breathe.
The name would feel alien now, coming from anyone else's mouth but yours. God, how he’s missed it. God, how he’s missed you.
You seem a little anxious to draw close, so he makes the decision for you. Wraps his arms around your waist and twirls you tight, wants to hear your sweet laugh before he believes you’re truly here. Wants to feel your body relax against his, wants your kiss on his cheek and your things in his room and–
“Shall we sit outside, Soonyoung?” you say, pushing off him as he sets your feet back down on the deck. “Let’s sit a while.”
And so you take a seat in one of the chairs on the porch, while he fetches water with slices of lemon from the kitchen. Wonders if he should offer you something to eat but doesn’t want to waste time preparing anything right now, so he carries the glasses outside, and passes one to you before sitting in the other chair.
“The weather is… incredible here,” you say quickly. “You can hardly tell it’s almost November.”
You are anxious– he realises, as you thumb away the condensation on your glass and avoid his eye. A year ago his first instinct would’ve been to kiss it away, had he ever seen you like this. Now he keeps his hands to himself, and asks how you’ve been.
“Well,” you say, the tension obvious in your shoulders. You roll them, taking a sip of your water before cradling it in your hands in your lap again. “What about you? What’ve you been doing since you came here?”
And so he talks. Talks of his job– started working in construction just for something to do with his hands, keeps his mind occupied, before he found a place he could teach dancing after work. Runs a class out of the neighbourhood schoolhouse on Wednesday and Saturday evenings. It’s mostly older folk, but they’re sweet to him and he enjoys his time with them.
And you smile, laugh along with the stories he tells you of people like Doris, and Jim who’s wildly in love with her, but your eyes keep flicking away from his, and he wonders at first if you’re struggling, being around him. After a while he notices you’re looking toward the car parked a little ways away, on the corner of the road. There’s a man in the front seat, face obscured by shadow from the tree overhead.
“You come here with someone?” he asks.
A pause. “Seungcheol,” you say. “He’s just making sure I’m safe before he finds us somewhere to stay tonight.”
Soonyoung straightens his spine. “Oh. I see.”
You tut. “Not like that, Soonyoung,” you say softly. “I think of him as my family. He’s done more for you than you could imagine.”
He looks over toward the car again, watches Seungcheol reach into the backseat with what looks like an apple, and a little hand reaches up to take it.
“He has a kid?”
Your eyes dart back to the car, and you suck in a juddered breath. “No. He doesn’t.”
And Soonyoung almost stops breathing. Can feel his pulse go all thready and weak and the air in his lungs thins out.
“Baby, I need to tell you the truth,” you say, turning fully toward him. Soonyoung still watches the car, the way Seungcheol twists his head to smile down at your child, this little thing. “Is that okay? If you want me to leave after, it’s okay, I promise, but I need you to know everything. Can I tell you?”
“I– yeah… yeah you can tell me.”
He almost doesn’t want to hear that you had a child with someone else. And it’s not that he blames you, it’s just that he’s sick with envy. But you’re trying to pull him back to earth, trying to ground him, with your fingers slotting through his and pulling his vision back into focus, with an “okay, okay– Soonyoung– look at me, baby.”
He does, and you smile at him, but he sees the worry in the creases around your eyes and he can’t stand it.
“You remember I lied about Hollywood,” you start. “I was in New Jersey. That’s where she was born.”
“She–“
“Yes, she.” You swallow audibly. “She’s called Hannah.”
Hannah. He likes the name.
“I left, and I got married, and I had my sweet girl, and–”
“You got married,” he interrupts, voice rasping over his drying throat.
Your face cracks. “Yes,” you breathe. “And I wish I could’ve married you instead, baby, I do. But you know my father would’ve never let me marry you, you know that… right? He’d have killed you just for touching me.”
He knows. Doesn’t dull the pang in his chest.
“So I married a man who looks a little like you, and let him think nothing of it when she was born. And she’s so wonderful, Soonyoung. Wild too, I think. Oh! And she loves to dance like you, she does th–”
And his vision swims again, can’t quite comprehend what you’re saying, you’re still talking and he’s only hearing half the words because– because–
He grips your hand tight, steadies himself with the other on the arm of the chair, and stammers, “She’s… is she–”
“She’s yours, baby.” You smile broken, tears spilling down your cheeks and you swipe them away just as quick. “I’m sorry. Soonyoung, I’m so so sorry, I couldn’t– leaving you was the only way I could keep her.”
He stands. Tears his gaze from your face and stares toward the car. Seungcheol is getting out now, and he’s got a tiny fist clasped around his fingers. And all Soonyoung can see is small feet in white shoes and frilled socks hopping along the pavement and he feels the sunlight on his face and your hand in his and something like hope and regret swirling together in his gut. He’s missed so much. You’ve been robbing each other in circles, he thinks. Money and hearts and time, all stolen goods.
“Can I meet her?”
You squeeze his hand. “She won’t understand you’re her daddy, yet.”
He nods, clenching his eyes shut to stop the tears from falling. “I know– I know that.”
“We need to go slow for her,” you say quietly. “If that’s what you want? If you’ll have us?”
And this is something he’s imagined for years. Not just you coming to him, escaping the city and your family, but a white picket fence in the suburbs, you and him together at last, high pitched giggles from children playing in the yard. The promise of an honest life. And it’s so fucking scary, now it’s right within his grasp, but he knows he can’t ruin it with rashly made decisions again.
“I’ll have you,” he says, turning to take your face in his hands. “Of course I’ll have you.”
Kisses you so hard it takes you by surprise before you’re melting into him, wrapping your arms around his waist and kissing him back. You kiss him like you’ve been starving. Slow, and tentative at first, before you’re clutching at him to steady yourself as he pulls you flush against his body. Your mouth is warm and desperate and trembling, and when he finally breaks away it’s only because he has to breathe. You make a soft, admonishing noise as you thumb the tears away from the hollows of his eyes, and he lets out something between a laugh and a sob.
This is where stars go, he thinks, as he hears the clap of his daughter’s shoes on the steps up to his porch. When the night fades, they go out west.
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
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