#hospital hell

[uzumaakies]

[queer-adhd]

Btw I want to make it so clear that all of these people think I am paid to look after rouke and I am not going to disabuse them of this notion.

They are treating me with so much more respect because they think I am on their side. They listen to what I say because they don't 100% think that I care about it as a friend. I have received winks and in jokes that I need to get a thicker skin and not care so much.

I am incandescent that 1) familial carers clearly receive no fucking respect here and 2) if I made it clear that I am unpaid (never said I was, they just assumed) I would likely not even be allowed to stay with it and 3) if they knew I was autistic they would not have responded or listened to anything I said

I fucking hate this place y'all I hate that I could have ended up being complicit in this

[mycapt-ohcapt]

I’m spending a long night in the hospital with my mom tonight. Positive, healing vibes welcome for her. She’s in a lot of pain from her Parkinsons. Any distractions for me are also welcome. Going to be tough to stay alert as the evening goes on and even harder to drag my weary butt to work tmro 🙏

[queer-adhd]

Anyway rouke has a new fucking trigger regarding people touching the area near its ears because nurses would not LISTEN before trying to yank out the vaccuum sealed noise filtering earplugs it was wearing to cope with all the fucking noise.

They only listened when I, an 'abled' explained that they would rupture its eardrums if they just pulled them out.

[queer-adhd]

So this was genuinely painful and so hopeful at the same time, because as I was taking @queerautism out of the ward, the lady in the bed next to us looked up, then managed to communicate that she wanted to know whether we were going home. We said that yes, we were, and I would take care of it.

Then she asked if we spoke any Gujarati, and we had to say no, and she just nodded and held her hand up and started praying for us/what looked like giving a blessing. Like she knew we didn't understand properly but we'd been communicating anyway and trying to do little things to help each other as best we could and like.

Idk. I think solidarity is moving the walking frame (the only one in the room, shared between three people, never put by the nurses anywhere that someone could reach it) closer to someone's bed so that they can reach it more easily. Or offering someone in pain the little remedies you know (ginger, hot water). Giving someone who can't stomach anything but light and mild food something that they can actually eat. Seeing someone leave and not knowing where they're going to go but offering them blessings on their way and hoping that it will be better than here.

It shouldn't feel like abandoning someone, if you leave them behind in the care of professionals. She should be getting the care she deserves. I wish I could say that she is, but I know she's not going to be. She's going to have to ask multiple times whenever she needs to use the bathroom, until someone can be bothered to help her.

In fact, I walked in on her in the bathroom early in Rouke's stay, because she can't close the door fully. The nurses watched me do it, and one said 'oh, I was going to warn you, but...' She didn't say why she didn't bother, just shrugged. When I expressed that I was just sorry I'd embarrassed the lady, I was told by the nurses that it was fine and didn't matter. I was a stranger, who had intruded on her, and they told me very easily that her privacy from being seen undressed by random strangers wasn't important. Not that they were sure she wouldn't be upset, or that she would forgive me, which she did. Just that it didn't matter to begin with.

Her family visits her and I hope they can push for good treatment. If you aren't a carer though, you can't stay for more than an hour. Won't be there for any doctor's visits, odds are. She doesn't speak enough English to communicate and they don't want to use the translation service. It's expensive, you see. They tried, unsuccessfully, to make the janitor stay to translate for her instead. Even if they bothered to listen, she's not going to be able to communicate properly what she needs. It feels so horrible to take Rouke home and not be able to offer that same out to her.

I hope she's ok. She was the best thing in that place. Being kind to each other is so fucking important.

[queer-adhd]

Just noticed there were a couple of hangtags on @queerautism's whiteboard, facing the wall. Asked what they meant and apparently it's for people with dementia or confusion (what the fuck) and people who need help eating.

They've assigned that one to the lady next to us as well because she doesn't speak English well. 'dementia or confusion'.

What the fuck.

[tnyj]

1 Year, 3 Weeks.

I have 1 year, 3 weeks until I finally end Hospital Hell.

After 18 years (at that exact point in time), Hospital Hell will finally be over.

This very chapter of my life has been going on since my very birth (Day 0), and it's finally about time I permanently end it.

Hospital Hell may have improved my life by a few factors, but at this point it is beyond frustrating, tedious and annoying. It should have ended long ago.

It should have fucking ended in 2018 or even in April 2020!

It's about time.

- TNYJ

[szayelgranz]

@domericbolton i took a bunch of zzzquil and wrote this yw. 

so everyone is sitting in group, which is just four delinquents and a doctor, and since owen is a crier, we can’t do small spaces anymore, so we’re sitting on the floor, because i can’t be trusted with chairs since i kicked aaron’s out from under his dumb ass and he “broke” his “tailbone.” aaron’s sitting cross-legged like he’s about to bust out some folksy eastern wisdom and i’m sitting with my legs spread so boob fits in between if he leans back against me, because he’s the closest any of us are gonna get to a girl, and he knows it, too. 

well. the doctor is a girl, but she’s basically our mom, and none of us are desperate enough to go oedipal except maybe aaron-broken-ass-washington, since there’s no way i’m gonna be allowed near him until his butt recovers, and i’m the only one willing to put any part of him in any part of me. i say this to boob and he laughs and elbows me hard, but it’s funny and he feels like a girl if i close my eyes, so i laugh too. 

the reason boob is called boob is because -- if you ask the doctors, who have to be civil -- the number on isaac’s chart ends in 8008, and we’re all teenage boys, and aren’t we so immature. if you ask him, it’s ‘cause they took him off hormones when he got admitted, and his boobs are back. they’re little mosquito-bite things that don’t get in the way or anything, but you can see them through his shirt, which is totally enough for the rest of us. 

so i’m ignoring group, and we get around to me, and doctor ramesh asks me how have i been using my time wisely on the way to recovery, like i’m an addict instead of a crazy delinquent. anyone else and i’d go into detail about the various parts of aaron that have gone into the various parts of me and how creative we can get with this shit on round-the-clock observation, but i like doctor ramesh and when she found out she started stocking condoms, so i’m not gonna fuck up a good thing, here. 

i make something up about being very sorry for busting-aaron’s-ass-i-mean-bruising-his-tailbone with my hilarious-prank-i-mean-unconscionably-cruel-instance-of-patient-on-patient-harassment, but i can tell he’s not buying it because the way he’s looking at me, it’s like the time i walked into the chapel and asked him did he have any extra saltines, ‘cause i raided the kosher cabinet for grape juice already. it’s that about-to-quote-the-bible look that means it’s my cue to go, but when i scoot back, boob scoots back too, so now i’m stuck. 

“look, man,” i say, trying to compromise. “i’m a danger to others. it’s right there next to my name. you’re lucky it was just your ass.” boob thinks this is funny and ramesh’s mouth goes all thin except for where she’s biting her pen, so i know she’s on my side. aaron makes this awful huff like if someone’s grandma got startled, and i fucking lose it, because can you believe a guy like me let a guy like that put his stuck-up, bruised-ass grandma dick in my mouth? 

so, aaron yells at me, and owen cries, and that’s how i got kicked out of group.