i'm doing all in my power not to feel this sadness: i ate. i danced. i was glad for my cousin because she graduated. i watched many dan and phil videos. i almost downloaded a dating app. i looked up the actual lyrics of a taylor swift song that's stuck in my head and they're ridiculous. had caffeine, chocolate, nicotine, melatonin. but it's not working, this looks like despair or regret or melancholy. i want to reach in, but i already did therapy. to reach out, but i'd have to be honest out loud. to reach for god, but he doesn't want me, he doesn't like me, he doesn't know me. when i was a girl and grieving a suicide, some priest was the only person that was ever willing to talk about it and i think i resent that since i only ever learned to inhabit a collapse, a caving, a crumbling.
