“It's all a matter of timing,” he tells me, his rayon print shirt (GoodWill, $4) open to the navel despite the late autumn chill. I perceive his shivering. "I prefer a more scientific approach to bedding the fairer sex. That's why I'm a quantum pickup artist."
I met Mauve Dixon (Born: Harold Redgewater Beeswax) outside the Titanium Dingus, the latest sleek ultra-lounge on Manhattan's upper east side. While consuming a glass of lukewarm still water and consuming at least three loaves of complimentary bread, Mauve explained his controversial approach.
“We live in a complex system of systems, which I subtly manipulate in order to get laid.” he said, as a chill breeze shook the drab, stringy locks of hair halfheartedly arranged in an attempt to cover his baldness. “If the flapping of a butterfly's wings can change the course of a typhoon, then slight adjustments can set a woman on a path directly to bed.”
At any time, Mauve says that he has at least 20 women in various states of preparation, their “waveforms” nearing the point when the laws of causality allow him to make carnal contact. By way of proof, he shows me a large scrap book (Nostalgic Leavings, $25) with pictures of his conquests and the list of actions that preceded nights of passion. “Mailed a blank postcard,” reads one line. “Added a one-gram weight to her gym bag,” reads another. Still another: “Applied gentle wind via hand fan.”
He's cagey about how successful he's been, but insists that he's “all man, so much man, more man than any of these women can handle.” He glances over his shoulder, his beak-like nose more pronounced in profile and his skin condition (impetigo, undiagnosed) blossoming red like the New York sunset. “We should go,” he says, noting the waiter's angry gaze.
We retire to his 1996 silver Ford Escort (Ray's Cars, $1,400), heading into Brooklyn to reap the benefit of years of work. Mauve's target is a woman in her late twenties (name withheld pending future legal action) whom Mauve has tried to influence since 2010. “When I first saw her in the library, I nudged one of her books slightly to one side,” he says. Later, he slipped a 2005 penny into her boot while she rode the L train. Just days ago, he poured a glass of water on her head while she exited a bar.
“The water wasn't really necessary,” said Mauve. “But it's psychologically priming for what I have in mind for her,” he licks is lips and rubs the knees of greasy pants together (Prince Edward Naugahyde, $31).
We find her outside a local cafe. I wait in the car, which Mauve insisted be left running “just in case,” while he crosses the street. He attempts to gracefully hop over the two-foot high fence (Albrecht Fences, $500), but instead snags his foot and careens over her table, managing to bring it down on top of him.
Bruised, blood and coffee covering the remains of his tattered shirt, he attempts to engage her. The words are difficult to discern, but I hear “you're ready for me” spoken several times. She responds by striking him across the face with her book (The Mists of Avalon, $23 hardback) and smashing him repeatedly with her boot (Birkenstock “Bashers,” $200). Mauve, narrowly managing to escape being beset by the cafe staff, throws himself into the Escort and takes off down the block.
I ask him if he sees this as a setback, but he shakes his still-bleeding head. “This changes the course of things, sure. But all it really means is that I'll need to continue nudging her timeline before I try a direct meeting again.” He obliquely suggests that smearing her door with canned beans (Goya, $.30) would be a good starting point.
As evening draws to a close Mauve asks if I want to accompany him to an elementary school, where he'll re-arrange wood chips and sabotage tire-swings in order to set a chain of events in motion that will, decades from now, result in him having sex. I decline, and he lets me off at a street corner where I call the police from a pay phone (Bell, $.75) and suggest that they be on the look out for a bleeding middle-aged man wandering around an empty playground.
We're so thrilled you've chosen to apply to join our team here at J.Crew! We'd like you to answer a few short questions that will let us get to know you a little better. Once you submit the questionnaire, we'll be sure to get in touch with you soon if our behavioral scientists determine you're a good match.
Name: ____________________
Sex:
Male
Female
Smale
Unmale
Email
What position are you applying for?
Sales
Sales Associate
Sales Assistant
Sales Team Member
Sales Apprentice
Salesperson
Janitorial
Are you a citizen of, or legally permitted to work in, the United States?
Yes
No
Are you a citizen of, or legally permitted to work in, the Democratic Republic of the Congo?
Yes
No
Are you a citizen of, or legally permitted to work in, the Sovereign Nation of J.Crew?
Yes
No
Please choose one:
I have been convicted a crime
I have been convicted of a violent crime
I have embezzled money in excess of $200,000
I consider my capacity for betrayal one of my major characteristics
I have murdered a member of my immediate family
I sometimes imagine that I am the Angel of Death
Have you ever been tried for war crimes?
No
Yes - More than 25,000 killed
Yes - Fewer than 25,000 killed
Yes - But only for conducting ethically dubious medical experiments
Indicate your level of comfort with working as part of a team:
I am very comfortable working in a team
I am somewhat comfortable working in a team
I am more comfortable working by myself
I strongly dislike working with teams
I often find myself unable to bear the sight of other people
The very thought of interacting with others sickens me
You are folding shirts when you notice that a patron has spilled their beverage on the floor. It is not your job to clean up the spill. No one else is there to clean up the spill. What do you do?
Abandon your shirt-folding duties to clean up the spill
Ignore the spill and continue folding the shirts
Call out "Help me, please, there is a spill!"
Carefully conceal the spill using unfolded shirts
Flee
You know that Co-Worker Alice is experiencing severe financial troubles. She has four young children to feed and is having trouble paying bills and making ends meet. You observe Co-Worker Alice taking $5 from the cash register. How you you respond?
Report Co-Worker Alice to your manager
Report Co-Worker Alice to the police
Place Co-Worker Alice under citizen's arrest
Wrestle Co-Worker Alice to the ground and return the money to the cash register
Put Co-Worker Alice in J.Crew's historically accurate stocks out by the loading dock, next to the gallows, where the whole world can witness her shame
You're in a desert walking along, and you look down and see a tortoise. You reach down and flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over. But you're not helping. Why aren't you helping?
Your manager did not list tortoise-helping as one of your tasks today
You are busy completing your assigned task of folding shirts
You are cleaning up a spill
Co-Worker Alice said she would help the tortoise later
You want to know which desert
You don't know what a tortoise is
Please provide your entire work history, along with your supervisors' names, addresses, and phone numbers. Please also include nine work references, along with their current titles and mailing addresses for the past five years: ___________________
Please pick the option which best matches your opinion.
I am a friendly, approachable person.
___Strongly Agree ____Agree ____Neutral ____Disagree ____Strongly Disagree
I can easily handle stressful situations
___Strongly Agree ____Agree ____Neutral ____Disagree ____Strongly Disagree
There is nothing more important than good customer service
___Strongly Agree ____Agree ____Neutral ____Disagree ____Strongly Disagree
I would kill my own dog if it meant improving a customer's shopping experience
___Strongly Agree ____Agree ____Neutral ____Disagree ____Strongly Disagree
Retail is the greatest human calling
___Strongly Agree ____Agree ____Neutral ____Disagree ____Strongly Disagree
A good manager should be the living emobodiment of God on Earth
___Strongly Agree ____Agree ____Neutral ____Disagree ____Strongly Disagree
Doin' it with your cousin is totally fine!
___Strongly Agree ____Agree ____Neutral ____Disagree ____Strongly Disagree
Everyone's a potential sexual partner
___Strongly Agree ____Agree ____Neutral ____Disagree ____Strongly Disagree
Retail organizations should have unfettered access to their employees' academic, personal, and medical records
___Strongly Agree ____Agree ____Neutral ____Disagree ____Strongly Disagree
Are you a member of The Sons of Ra?
The Sons of Ra do not exist
Greetings, friend !! Thank you for purchasing HORSE™, the powerful and dangerous companion for your whole family to enjoy. For your safety, please read this manual in its entirety before starting up your new HORSE™.
Getting Started
WARNING !! : DO NOT TOUCH HORSE™ PRIOR TO COMPLETING THE FULL BOOT SEQUENCE. HORSE™ MAY BECOME ENRAGED.
DISCLAIMER: By installing and configuring your HORSE™ you release HORSE™ Corporation from all liability for any injuries or damages caused by standard or non-standard usage of your HORSE™.
HORSE™ Boot Sequence
Place your new HORSE™ in its standard operating environment.
Remove the clear plastic tab on the underside of your HORSE™
As your HORSE™ emerges from its slumber, carefully perform the boot sequence detailed on pages 56-231 of the HORSE™ Installation Manual, included in your HORSE™'s packaging. WARNING !! : Incorrect application of the boot sequence may result in fatal errors.
Configure your HORSE™ according to the procedures detailed in the HORSE™ Configuration Manual, included in your HORSE™'s packaging.
When HORSE™'s eyes betray a dangerous sentience, your HORSE™ is ready for operation.
Operating Your HORSE™
With proper operation by an adult with sufficient upper body strength, HORSE™ can be a useful and pleasant companion. Try these fun operating procedures on your HORSE™:
Brush your HORSE™'s long, luxurious mane.
Paint your HORSE™'s hooves with HORSE™ Brand Colored Hoof Polish, sold separately.
Bake a cake for your HORSE™ using HORSE™ Brand Lamp-Warmed Oven, sold separately. WARNING !! : Feeding your HORSE™ incorrect foods may cause dangerous errors. See Appendix D: IncompleteList of Dangerous Foods.
Play a song your HORSE™ enjoys to hear it sing along.WARNING !! : DO NOT PLAY SONGS HORSE™ DOES NOT ENJOY.
Brush your HORSE™'s long, luxurious fangs.
Teach your HORSE™ the difference between friend and foe.
Maintaining Your HORSE™
HORSE™ requires weekly cleaning to remain in proper operating condition. Correct maintenance will ensure continual operation for many years. To clean:
Disconnect the power source.
Dismantle HORSE™ according to disassembly instructions in Appendix L.WARNING !! Do not misplace any essential springs or washers.
Lubricate each section of HORSE™ carefully with HORSE™ Brand Cleaning Oil, being careful to avoid HORSE™'s joints and nerves.
Reassemble HORSE™ and reconfigure according to set-up instructions.
Kernel panic
Troubleshooting
Q: My HORSE™ will not start up or becomes locked in the boot sequence.
You have executed the boot sequence ineffectively. File an RMA with HORSE™ Corporation to return your HORSE™ with your hand-written letter of apology. A new HORSE™ will arrive at your home in 6-8 weeks.
Q: My HORSE™ emits a loud noise shortly before sunset.
This is normal operation.
Q: My HORSE™ has caused damage to my property or loved ones.
Correct operation of your HORSE™ will prevent most damages. Please carefully read the manual to avoid actions that cause your HORSE™ to become enraged.
Q: My HORSE™ has become enraged. How can I calm him?
