#kris jacque

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#16: Decadence

Look at yourself. No, not that one. There you go. Ask yourself, what is it that you really want. No, not that one. No, not that one either. There you go. Now peer down this well. Who do you see? Is it a popular fantasy educator? Oh, no.

Be sure to follow us on Twitter and iTunes to get every lovingly crafted episode of Brine Weekly. And tune in next week for a tearful apology for not crediting Kris Jacque.

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#10: Tired of Living But Still Eating

You know when you want to listen to the radio in your car but all that's on is shitty country songs about astronauts, ads for local restaurants, and long descriptions of what happened at a cat show 17 years ago? Yeah, it's like that.

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#8: Doctor Telephone

BRRRRRRING! BRRRRRRRING!

DOCTOR TELEPHONE'S CALLING! YOU HAVE CANCER!

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By Kris Jacque and Michael Arthur

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Pickle Brine Polka

By Kris Jacque and Michael Arthur

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HORSE™ Instruction Manual

By Kris Jacque

Greetings, friend !! Thank you for purchasing HORSE™, the powerful and dangerous companion for your whole family to enjoy. For your safety, please read this manual in its entirety before starting up your new HORSE™.

Getting Started

WARNING !! : DO NOT TOUCH HORSE™ PRIOR TO COMPLETING THE FULL BOOT SEQUENCE. HORSE™ MAY BECOME ENRAGED.

DISCLAIMER: By installing and configuring your HORSE™ you release HORSE™ Corporation from all liability for any injuries or damages caused by standard or non-standard usage of your HORSE™. 

HORSE™ Boot Sequence

Place your new HORSE™ in its standard operating environment.

Remove the clear plastic tab on the underside of your HORSE™

As your HORSE™ emerges from its slumber, carefully perform the boot sequence detailed on pages 56-231 of the HORSE™ Installation Manual, included in your HORSE™'s packaging. WARNING !! : Incorrect application of the boot sequence may result in fatal errors.

Configure your HORSE™ according to the procedures detailed in the HORSE™ Configuration Manual, included in your HORSE™'s packaging.

When HORSE™'s eyes betray a dangerous sentience, your HORSE™ is ready for operation.

Operating Your HORSE™

With proper operation by an adult with sufficient upper body strength, HORSE™ can be a useful and pleasant companion. Try these fun operating procedures on your HORSE™:

Brush your HORSE™'s long, luxurious mane.

Paint your HORSE™'s hooves with HORSE™ Brand Colored Hoof Polish, sold separately.

Bake a cake for your HORSE™ using HORSE™ Brand Lamp-Warmed Oven, sold separately. WARNING !! : Feeding your HORSE™ incorrect foods may cause dangerous errors. See Appendix D: IncompleteList of Dangerous Foods.

Play a song your HORSE™ enjoys to hear it sing along.WARNING !! : DO NOT PLAY SONGS HORSE™ DOES NOT ENJOY.

Brush your HORSE™'s long, luxurious fangs.

Teach your HORSE™ the difference between friend and foe.

Maintaining Your HORSE™

HORSE™ requires weekly cleaning to remain in proper operating condition. Correct maintenance will ensure continual operation for many years. To clean:

Disconnect the power source.

Dismantle HORSE™ according to disassembly instructions in Appendix L.WARNING !! Do not misplace any essential springs or washers.

Lubricate each section of HORSE™ carefully with HORSE™ Brand Cleaning Oil, being careful to avoid HORSE™'s joints and nerves.

Reassemble HORSE™ and reconfigure according to set-up instructions.

Kernel panic

Troubleshooting

Q: My HORSE™ will not start up or becomes locked in the boot sequence.

You have executed the boot sequence ineffectively. File an RMA with HORSE™ Corporation to return your HORSE™ with your hand-written letter of apology. A new HORSE™ will arrive at your home in 6-8 weeks.

Q: My HORSE™ emits a loud noise shortly before sunset.

This is normal operation.

Q: My HORSE™ has caused damage to my property or loved ones. 

Correct operation of your HORSE™ will prevent most damages. Please carefully read the manual to avoid actions that cause your HORSE™ to become enraged.

Q: My HORSE™ has become enraged. How can I calm him?

Your HORSE™ cannot be calmed.

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Rocky Mountain Foods

By Kris Jacque

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Baby Baphomet

By Kris Jacque