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#7: Walt Wordington and Wacky Uncle Wally's Alliteration Emporium

B-B-B-BLASTED AWAAAY

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#6: Brought to You By Fritz Beer - "It's a Kind of Beer"

Do not touch the GIANT METAL APE, participate in an Olympics, get a skull transplant, or go to the Bass Pro Shop Superstore inside the pyramid. These are non-wholesome activities. You should only drink Fritz Beer, because it's safe to drink.

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Names and Slogans of Notable High School Football Teams

The West Martensdale Winds “The Winds of Change Blow Free”

The Delphi Indiana High School Oracles “A Tall Dark Stranger Approaches”

The East Orange New Jersey Dylans “It's A Hard Rain's A Gonna Fall” (Usually accompanied by hours of tuneless strumming)

Brownsville “Dirty rotten double-crossing rat finks” “No one is safe”

The Desert Bluffs Scorpions “We Carry Our Young On Our Backs”

Nathan Hale High School's Nobly Dying Nathan Hales “I regret that I have but one life to give for my country!” Note: While the Nathan Hale slogan may be distressingly ordinary, it is only ever used when the Nobly Dying Nathan Hale team executes its famous “Execution” offense, where the entire team retains its dignity while being hung from the gallows, so much so that the opposing team weepingly concedes the game.

The Brooklyn Slugs “Touch Us And You Will Become Covered In Slime!”

Dover High “Fire Ants” “All over you”

The Mammoth Kentucky Scalpin' Red-Skin Indians “We respect and celebrate the history of the native peoples of these United States”

The Phoenix “Flaming Fetuses” “Each day we die, each day we are reborn as tiny on-fire babies before your eyes!”

Paducah Performing Arts High School “Players” “It’s important that everyone just has a really good time out there”

Jefferson City Highschool "Phil Ruggens Furniture Emporium's Fighting Recliners" "Fight! Fight! Good deals on furniture! Phiiiiiiiiil Ruggens!" Note: known for his unscrupulous and aggressive advertising, Ruggens was incarcerated for tax evasion in 1989. However, the sizeable donation he made the impoverished Jefferson City High School required that his name remain attached until 2032.

Chryslerville “Stinging Nettles” “We’re not weak tea!”

West Middlesworth "Colts" "Young and strong!"

East Middlesworth "Mustangs" "Young and strong and also a car!"

South Middlesworth "Horse" "Horse! Horse! Horse! Horse!"

Midgville “Wolves” “We devour our enemies”

Lanceworth Reform Academy “Hawks” “This is a constructive outlet for our aggression”

Farnsworth North “Blades” “One out of every twenty student athletes has blades hidden in their uniform”

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Pickle Brine Polka

By Kris Jacque and Michael Arthur

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HORSE™ Instruction Manual

By Kris Jacque

Greetings, friend !! Thank you for purchasing HORSE™, the powerful and dangerous companion for your whole family to enjoy. For your safety, please read this manual in its entirety before starting up your new HORSE™.

Getting Started

WARNING !! : DO NOT TOUCH HORSE™ PRIOR TO COMPLETING THE FULL BOOT SEQUENCE. HORSE™ MAY BECOME ENRAGED.

DISCLAIMER: By installing and configuring your HORSE™ you release HORSE™ Corporation from all liability for any injuries or damages caused by standard or non-standard usage of your HORSE™. 

HORSE™ Boot Sequence

Place your new HORSE™ in its standard operating environment.

Remove the clear plastic tab on the underside of your HORSE™

As your HORSE™ emerges from its slumber, carefully perform the boot sequence detailed on pages 56-231 of the HORSE™ Installation Manual, included in your HORSE™'s packaging. WARNING !! : Incorrect application of the boot sequence may result in fatal errors.

Configure your HORSE™ according to the procedures detailed in the HORSE™ Configuration Manual, included in your HORSE™'s packaging.

When HORSE™'s eyes betray a dangerous sentience, your HORSE™ is ready for operation.

Operating Your HORSE™

With proper operation by an adult with sufficient upper body strength, HORSE™ can be a useful and pleasant companion. Try these fun operating procedures on your HORSE™:

Brush your HORSE™'s long, luxurious mane.

Paint your HORSE™'s hooves with HORSE™ Brand Colored Hoof Polish, sold separately.

Bake a cake for your HORSE™ using HORSE™ Brand Lamp-Warmed Oven, sold separately. WARNING !! : Feeding your HORSE™ incorrect foods may cause dangerous errors. See Appendix D: IncompleteList of Dangerous Foods.

Play a song your HORSE™ enjoys to hear it sing along.WARNING !! : DO NOT PLAY SONGS HORSE™ DOES NOT ENJOY.

Brush your HORSE™'s long, luxurious fangs.

Teach your HORSE™ the difference between friend and foe.

Maintaining Your HORSE™

HORSE™ requires weekly cleaning to remain in proper operating condition. Correct maintenance will ensure continual operation for many years. To clean:

Disconnect the power source.

Dismantle HORSE™ according to disassembly instructions in Appendix L.WARNING !! Do not misplace any essential springs or washers.

Lubricate each section of HORSE™ carefully with HORSE™ Brand Cleaning Oil, being careful to avoid HORSE™'s joints and nerves.

Reassemble HORSE™ and reconfigure according to set-up instructions.

Kernel panic

Troubleshooting

Q: My HORSE™ will not start up or becomes locked in the boot sequence.

You have executed the boot sequence ineffectively. File an RMA with HORSE™ Corporation to return your HORSE™ with your hand-written letter of apology. A new HORSE™ will arrive at your home in 6-8 weeks.

Q: My HORSE™ emits a loud noise shortly before sunset.

This is normal operation.

Q: My HORSE™ has caused damage to my property or loved ones. 

Correct operation of your HORSE™ will prevent most damages. Please carefully read the manual to avoid actions that cause your HORSE™ to become enraged.

Q: My HORSE™ has become enraged. How can I calm him?

Your HORSE™ cannot be calmed.

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Rocky Mountain Foods

By Kris Jacque

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Baby Baphomet

By Kris Jacque

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Cat Show

By Kris Jacque, performed by Zack Beauvais

Presented without modification or commentary, a report from the National Cat Breeders' Association 1997 Annual All-Breed Cat Show and Expo.

The National Cat Breeders' Association is proud to present the prestigious Annual All-Breed Cat Show and Expo on July 25, 1997, at the Lansing Civic Center.

This year's competition included 157 cats of 35 different breeds. The Award for Best Cat went to Czar's Russian Aristocracy, a female Ukrainian Forest Longhair. Runner-up was Plucky Lucky from Gladborne Cattery in Ohio. After the announcement, Plucky Lucky's owner, Roger Gladborne, was heard to say in menacing tones that Czar Cattery's Alicia Cogswell should "count her cats" after the match. He was escorted from the premises.

In the category of Best Alter, NCBA Judge Paula Jeggman chose Coliseum's Old Black Mountain, a handsome Roman Grey gib. Best Kitten went to Rockford's Little Blue Eyes, by Rockford's King Henry and Tower of London's Wild-Eyed Jane.

Highlights of the breed shows included the introduction of John-Smith Ruggard's new Indian Swimming Cat, Deep Breather of Shoreline Cattery, a promising young queen whom we hope to see at future NCBA events. There was some commotion at the Bobtailed Angora judging table when Alberta Solomon's Witch Doctor was disqualified for having whisker ticking where none was required. Windsong's Alabaster Rose put the judging on hold for an hour when she fled to the top of the pole-climb. It had to be carefully disassembled by NCBA official pole-climbsman Thomas Winters in order to safely retrieve her.

Fred Jones's British Munchkin, John Engler's Big Surprise, once again failed to meet any qualifications for winning "Best Cat." He had to be hidden from view before and after his judging to avoid causing spontaneous abortion in the pregnant females in nearby carriers. Despite all precautions, a young kitten accidentally viewed him and its resulting condition required immediate euthanasia. Fred Jones has offered to pay the kitten's owner, Alan Bart*, for the damages, but Mr. Bart insists that no amount of money can erase the trauma his children suffered as a result of witnessing the incident. Mr. Bart has started a campaign to ban Mr. Jones's cat from future competitions.

The NCBA extends its congratulations to all winners at this year's show. We hope to see many of you again at the NCBA Annual Kitten Race in November.

*Name changed for reasons concerning an ongoing lawsuit