#mywainscoting

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#7: Walt Wordington and Wacky Uncle Wally's Alliteration Emporium

B-B-B-BLASTED AWAAAY

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#6: Brought to You By Fritz Beer - "It's a Kind of Beer"

Do not touch the GIANT METAL APE, participate in an Olympics, get a skull transplant, or go to the Bass Pro Shop Superstore inside the pyramid. These are non-wholesome activities. You should only drink Fritz Beer, because it's safe to drink.

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Names and Slogans of Notable High School Football Teams

The West Martensdale Winds “The Winds of Change Blow Free”

The Delphi Indiana High School Oracles “A Tall Dark Stranger Approaches”

The East Orange New Jersey Dylans “It's A Hard Rain's A Gonna Fall” (Usually accompanied by hours of tuneless strumming)

Brownsville “Dirty rotten double-crossing rat finks” “No one is safe”

The Desert Bluffs Scorpions “We Carry Our Young On Our Backs”

Nathan Hale High School's Nobly Dying Nathan Hales “I regret that I have but one life to give for my country!” Note: While the Nathan Hale slogan may be distressingly ordinary, it is only ever used when the Nobly Dying Nathan Hale team executes its famous “Execution” offense, where the entire team retains its dignity while being hung from the gallows, so much so that the opposing team weepingly concedes the game.

The Brooklyn Slugs “Touch Us And You Will Become Covered In Slime!”

Dover High “Fire Ants” “All over you”

The Mammoth Kentucky Scalpin' Red-Skin Indians “We respect and celebrate the history of the native peoples of these United States”

The Phoenix “Flaming Fetuses” “Each day we die, each day we are reborn as tiny on-fire babies before your eyes!”

Paducah Performing Arts High School “Players” “It’s important that everyone just has a really good time out there”

Jefferson City Highschool "Phil Ruggens Furniture Emporium's Fighting Recliners" "Fight! Fight! Good deals on furniture! Phiiiiiiiiil Ruggens!" Note: known for his unscrupulous and aggressive advertising, Ruggens was incarcerated for tax evasion in 1989. However, the sizeable donation he made the impoverished Jefferson City High School required that his name remain attached until 2032.

Chryslerville “Stinging Nettles” “We’re not weak tea!”

West Middlesworth "Colts" "Young and strong!"

East Middlesworth "Mustangs" "Young and strong and also a car!"

South Middlesworth "Horse" "Horse! Horse! Horse! Horse!"

Midgville “Wolves” “We devour our enemies”

Lanceworth Reform Academy “Hawks” “This is a constructive outlet for our aggression”

Farnsworth North “Blades” “One out of every twenty student athletes has blades hidden in their uniform”

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Pickle Brine Polka

By Kris Jacque and Michael Arthur