#hrae

[universalmemoir]

silence was all it took to find out who truly loved me.

(maybe what you thought was their love was just an echo of your own heartbeat) | h.rae

[universalmemoir]

mourning the weeds

It’s fine. It’s for the best.

“Are you sure?”

Yeah, it’s fine. It wasn’t safe to let those weeds grow.

“But they were so pretty, all wild and free.”

Yeah, they were. But they were suffocating the flowers behind them.

“Flowers? What flowers? All I see is a dying plant.”

It grew flowers once. Back when the weeds weren’t so tall. They were pretty together.

“So why get rid of the weeds then?”

They were fine when they were small. But once they got big, they became an issue.

“Thorny ones, huh?”

Yeah, it didn’t matter when the thorns were so low down. But once they were tall, they cut me whenever I went to pick the flowers.

“What makes you think that bush will bloom again?”

I think it will. One day. But I don’t know. I might have let the weeds cover it for too long. It wasn’t getting any sunlight.

“But the weeds will grow back. You’ll have to keep cutting them over and over.”

I know.

“It would be easier just to let the weeds grow back. Prettier too. It’s kinda ugly as it is right now.”

…

But then I wouldn’t be giving the flowers a chance to bloom.

“Your loss then.”

Yeah.

My loss.

[universalmemoir]

everything rearranged itself within my heart to fit you inside, small as a mustard seed.

then! oh, how you grew and filled me to the brim — i thought my heart didn’t have space for you, yet somehow you nestled into it like a perfect puzzle piece, just like you were once nestled in my womb.

i’ve lived and i’ve loved, but i’ve never felt a love like this, roaring like an ocean yet soft as the breeze, pulling me homewards even when i set my sails to new seas, everlasting, ever growing, delicate love.

you are my every eyelash wish and my first thought every morning,

and when you were born, so was i.

m o t h e r | h.rae

[universalmemoir]

when midnight approaches, the stories behind my eyelids tell me of hope and memories, love and anticipation, and, both best and worst of all, you. | h.rae

[universalmemoir]

i’ve always interpreted your love as pure nostalgia. a beckoning from a past presence that wrapped around my heart and never released me from its grasp. but the more i think of you, the more that memory weakens its grip, and maybe one day love will float to the surface of my scars, a beating heart with new life, ready to write your name in the dust where you once ruled.

i never thought i’d say this but i miss you | h.rae

[universalmemoir]

once upon a time i was all i needed, my reflection was the kindest face i’d ever met and creating candlelight was my first step towards becoming the sun. but as quickly as a thunderstorm’s first breath, i was thrust into a world of criticism without warning, where nothing i could do was enough and all i could do was too much. i saw the world through their eyes, no longer my own, and i obsessed over what i thought they thought of me.

and yet this poem is written in past tense.

there is a world where my reflection and i can hold hands again, where the faults that make me human are the sweetest parts of myself, and the passion that pushes me forward is no longer something to suppress or be ashamed of. the mind that created me spins the gears that propel me towards a beautiful destiny, one not dictated by the whimsy of jealousy, one where i am everything i have ever needed. tomorrow i will learn to embrace myself as the wind does - gently, wholly, perfectly.

being hated taught me how to love myself | h.rae

[universalmemoir]

one day you’ll learn how to breathe again

until then i’ll never let your lungs go empty

[universalmemoir]

paper airplanes | h.rae

i’m not a toy you cannot tell me what to do or think there was a time when i was a rag doll throw me wherever you may want but i learned my lesson and to my surprise reality unfolded before my eyes and like paper airplanes, we crashed and we burned

i’ll be your toy if i can’t keep you i can’t feel alive light is a lie and i am an actor i’ll be whoever you may want memories are torture for people in love like the girl who gave you all she was and i’ll give you up but i’ll never let go

move on, move on move on, da da da da move on

(move on) i can’t disconnect from the memory (move on) our stars were aligned and the world wouldn’t turn (move on) you took everything from me (move on) now i’m a wave that can’t make it to land (move on) i can’t shake the feeling (move on) your arms were the driftwood that pulled me to sea (move on) you took everything from me (move on)