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World Of Warcraft Battlegrounds, and how to win them.

Honestly, I'm only writing this because of my last handful of defeats at the hands of better organized Alliance teams. See, there is a pattern on my Battlegroup for the Horde that involves them doing fuck all. They will chase the slightest movement of Alliance, and even fall for being kited out of areas in Tol Barad and Arathi, while the Alliance take everything with ease. I shit you not this happens. So here, in no particular order, is FactionFighters guide to not sucking major amounts of dick in PVP.

And I won't mention gear or equipment once in this whole thing.

FIRST UP, EYE OF THE STORM.

This is a horrible battleground. It's hard to win when no one but the enemy team seems to know what they're doing. The fun thing is, the strategy is dirt simple. You have 4 bases and 1 flag spot. You are organized into 3 teams. If you can't see where I'm going with this already, I fear you may be one of the aforementioned members who fall for kiteing. The trick is to hold 2 bases. For the Horde, capture the Blood Elf Tower (BeT) and the Fel Reaver Ruins (FR). 2 teams take these and hold these, leaving 5 people defending each area. The 3rd team moves down and holds the middle, and when the flag appears, someone grabs it and runs it to either the BeT or the FR. Repeat to win. For the love of God people, DEFENCE. This is the key to most of the BG's, and it's fucking mind boggling how many people don't get it.

NUMBER 2, WARSONG HOLD AND TWIN PEAKS.

This is where the tits go up. 2 teams for each side. One team for defence and the other for flag running. NO ONE EVER DOES THIS. Instead, everyone runs out on the field, fights, grabs the enemy flag and runs back to base and hopes that they kill the enemy FC on the way back. 9 out of 10 times this does not happen. You are left at a stalemate, where people just get killed in the middle ground. My most recent horrible moment in here was when I was teamed up with 2 fellow guildies, my wife and my brother to be specific, both very good players. We ran to the flag room while everyone else dicked around in the middle ground and lost our flag, grabbed the enemy flag, and on the whole way down, my brother was harassed to let this other retard take the flag. They were the only who was doing this, and they eventually got mad, and took off, leaving my brother helpless. He got the shit kicked out of him while we tried to hold off the enemy from another angle, and lost the flag, causing everyone to pretty much say game over, and let the Alliance win the battle. This has got to be the biggest case of horse shit I have ever encountered on here. Why did this person want the flag this bad? Because being a FC grants you achievements and more honour. Well guess what numb nuts? You get more honour by DEFENDING and WINNING the battle as opposed to being a general cock nugget. When someone has the flag, you protect them. Not with one person, but at least 4-5 people. The others fight to get the flag back. Or you end up in a permanent stalemate until you both drop dead from sheer boredom. Work together and magic things like WINNING will happen.

NUMBER 3, ARATHI HIGHLANDS AND THE BATTLE FOR GILNEAS.

Good LORD this battleground. Never before has so much fail being in one arena. Again, 3 teams. 5 bases. I'm going to make a stamp that says defence, and I'm going to attach it to a mace and SWING IT AT EVERY MOTHERFUCKER TILL IT SINKS IN. Horde members! You take the Farm! You Take the Lumber Mill! You take the Gold Mine! And you HOLD THE GOD FORSAKEN THINGS. Alliance! You take the Stables! You fight for the Mill and the Mines, and probably will take the Black smith, BUT IT'S A WASTE OF FUCKING TIME. And for the love of GOD do not try and 5 cap the whole thing like a triple cunted hooker hogging all the soldiers returning home. 5 Capping never works, unless your whole team is dedicated and is well prepared to do this. And if that's the case, then where the hell have you and the rest of the Norse Gods been? DEFENCE, DEFENCE, DEFENCE. Has it sunk in yet?

With that said, Battle of Gilneas is not half as annoying, but it still boils down to defending at least one area with ease. For the Horde, take the mines, for the Alliance, take the Lighthouse. Then you can all play happy slaps over the Water Works. If your somehow magically winning by a good few hundred, then by all means. Get greedy and steam roll the fuck over everything.

NUMBER 4, STRAND OF THE ANCIENTS.

This used to suck for me, but it became my favourite when people in here started to organize. The idea is simple enough, you react a medieval version of the Normandy landings. To the people who want to know how to win, then this is how you go about it. When you land on the boats, you all go for the same gate. You get picked off like fleas on a chimps back if you split up. So all go green, or all go blue. Not hard. At the least, there will be at least 2-3 tanks that will make it through and destroy the gate. When your through, plow through as fast as you can, and make sure that if you loose a tank that someone else grabs one. And keep them together in a tight group. Remember what I said about getting picked off? Healers, if you are out there, remember to cleanse those tanks of all curses and bleed effects to give them more time to blow the fuck out of the gates. A successful push will see you win in around 3 minutes. HOWEVER. The trick to defending (Blimey I'm using that word a lot today, aren't I?) is to use the turrets. Anyone who says this is not useful is an idiot and should just shut there stupid face. Use the turrets to hammer away at the tanks, and everyone who is not on the turrets goes down and smacks into the tanks as fast as they can. THE TANKS ARE THE ONLY THINGS THAT CAN DESTROY THE GATES. People can't do a damn thing other than carry Seaforium charges to drop at the gate, and this is like chipping away at a mountain with a shotgun. Whenever a gate gets taken down, fall back to the next set of turrets. If your lucky, the enemy will get to the last gate, and that's it, since from there you can bottle neck them into an easy win.

NUMBER 5. ALTERAC VALLEY.

Christ, what the hell happened to this one? What was once a long and awesome battle across a massive playing field has been reduced to a random boss rush where everyone gets there and suddenly forgets how to hold a sword. Every single AV I have been in in the last 2 months at least, have all ended with the Alliance very easily killing Drek'Thar while the Horde sit outside Van's keep getting distracted by the little things that walk around. No one takes the towers, no one takes the graveyards, no one takes scraps to the guy who can bolster your reinforcements. Everyone want's to get in and out like an indecisive teenager with his first hooker. All I hear every single time is a charge that simmers into "Oh look a little puppy let's pat his head and call him Chips". For God sake, it's not rocket science you twats! Just go in there and hit the bastard! If there are 20 of you standing around and waiting for someone to run and start swinging, then why don't you go in and just do it? Healers should know what there doing, and if there are 20 of you mother fuckers than just go in there! What's the worst that could happen? It certainly can't be any worse than the total failure of just standing there with your thumb up your ass and wondering why you lost! The Alliance never fail in kicking us to Narnia and back because they don't fucking hesitate!

With that said, I have to tip my hat to the Alliance in my group, because they must have President Obama leading them to have made them this well organized. Over at the Horde we seem to have Dick Cheney or probably YOUR PET BUDGIE giving the orders.

DEFENCE, GOD DAMMIT.

You can disagree with all this if you really want, and I'm not one to tell you you're doing it wrong. Wait a minute that's exactly what I'm doing, but when people can show me that we don't all suck the teat of major fail then I'll be nicer. For those of you that are going to disagree to the point of calling me a retarded noob who doesn't know what he's talking about, please see my earlier post about the fucks that Thrall gives.