Message Notification Received: “Status: Helpless”
It’s been nearly four years since I, Mithali, and Dylan had a conversation. Mithali and I greet each other on Facebook occasionally, whenever there are posts that ask us to tag or message people who had significantly affected our lives. Dylan, on the other hand, has not communicated with me since our last conversation. We were not friends on any other social networking sites other than the writing blog that connected the three of us. He had already deactivated his account on that site. Mithali and I still had our profiles, but we hardly use them anymore. I would like to wholeheartedly believe that the reason why we don’t communicate on that site anymore is because we were too caught up in our personal lives (and mainly used Facebook) that we barely had time to write fiction anymore or open our accounts. If that were really the reason, I guess I am partly glad since that seems to be the case for most people when they grow up, or so I am told. However, there’s this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that it was not just that. Although it’s not as loud as most of the other memories that plague me at night, its screams echo through my mind and bounces off its walls. My heart begins to pound and I feel nervous; cold from the small waves of regret that appear. I can’t push the feeling aside; therefore, I remember.
Quotev.com; the site where I had met two of my three closest friends. I cannot remember how I came upon QuoteV – the year was 2012 – but I remember I published and read fanfiction on that site; even collaborated with certain authors. I wrote journals. I made quizzes. I made polls that were well known throughout QuoteV. I also edited and reviewed other writer’s works. I even had a small blog where I posted my thoughts on a day-to-day basis. I met Mithali, an Indian student who is aspiring to become a lawyer, when she wrote me an encouraging comment on one of my posts. She also offered to listen to my problems; I took up her offer. After that conversation, we frequently found ourselves having many conversations about anything and everything – from what we ate for breakfast up to our family problems and health conditions, and even the thoughts that make us lose our self-worth for brief moments. To say the least, Mithali was a very positive person despite her struggles, even when she was hospitalized due to a sudden increase in her heart rate. I can’t recall what the name of her condition was but I recall the conversations we have had while she was in the hospital fighting to get better and I lying down comfortable in my room at 3AM. She also liked to socialize, and that is how she met Dylan.
I don’t remember how they specifically met or how I first talked to Dylan, but I do remember Mithali introducing me to him. He was one-third Filipino, Spanish, and Australian; he lived in the land down under. He had a younger brother and an older sister. He and his family were also religious. We also became good friends. After a while, both of them messaged me in our group chat and said that they were dating. I remember feeling very happy for the both of them – they really were a good match. Dylan was also good at conversing with people, just as Mithali was. Out of the three of us, I was the worst at socializing, though it didn’t stop them from making me join their “conversation parties” with other people. I got through them fine and not once did I feel left out. I never felt that I was a third wheel, which is why I cherish them very much because it was the first time I had felt like I was actually a part of a circle of friends. Even up until now, I have never second-guessed that I was an important member of the group. Which is why, when Mithali told us that she wouldn’t be online on QuoteV for a week due to a trip, Dylan and I were not awkward with each other and could freely talk. I, however, didn’t not anticipate our conversation.
Sometime in the middle of the week, a message from Dylan appeared asking a favor from me – he wanted me to tell Mithali that he would be leaving. He explained to me why he had made that sudden decision, and on top of that, Mithali was not around to hear it first from him. That was the first time I had felt helpless. I couldn’t convince Dylan to leave after Mithali had returned. When I woke up one day, I had a message from Mithali asking me what was going on. Dylan had at least left her a message. Dylan’s younger brother had the same heart condition as Mithali. When they were playing Frisbee, Dylan’s brother panicked due to a Frisbee throw and his heart rate spiked and he was brought to the hospital. His brother almost died. On top of this, Dylan’s parents didn’t approve of his and Mithali’s relationship. To cope and be able to think about things, Dylan left QuoteV and we lost communication with him. He didn’t deactivate his account, so we often checked if there were signs that he had been online. There were not any for a while.
Not until us, or rather, I first received the notification from his account. Dylan had left a message. It, however, turned out to be one of Dylan’s close friends. I thought that we were finally going to get a slice of good news regarding Dylan. Maybe even a simple update on how he was doing or if it really was his final decision to leave. Instead, what we got was that he attempted to commit suicide. He took one too many pills. He was. . . comatose. The sense of helplessness I felt at that moment was not because I had failed to do something, but rather because I literally can’t do anything about it.
Mithali, upon finding out what had happened, spiraled into a sort of depression. It was a third strike; I had felt helpless once again. Despite all the logical reasoning and attempts to comfort her by engaging in different conversations, I could not convince her that things will turn out fine and that Dylan would eventually be okay. Mithali ended up being hospitalized too [for her heart condition].
By the end of it all, Mithali had been released from the hospital. After two months, Dylan had dropped by for a short while, said his final goodbye, and deactivated his account. I had not heard from him since then, but I would like to believe that Dylan is doing well right now. Mithali and I still occasionally talk to greet each other on Facebook posts that require to tag or message people who had significantly affected our lives. Other than that, we hardly talk anymore. Not about the thoughts that make us lose our self-worth for a brief moment and not even about what we had for breakfast. We hardly use or QuoteV accounts anymore. I check in occasionally to see if I had received secret messages from my other close friends; when I look at Mithali’s profile, there are no signs of being used recently. I would like to wholeheartedly believe that the reason why we don’t communicate on that site anymore is because we’re too caught up in our personal lives (and mainly used Facebook), but there’s a nagging feeling that says otherwise. I can’t push the feeling aside; therefore, I remember and I start to believe that that is the reason why we had stopped communicating on that site. My feelings of helplessness – that I still cannot do anything to lessen their pain, no matter how much time I spend by their side and no matter how much I try to help them through their dark times – did not disappear. It has left it’s scars – marks in the recesses of my mind.