#hyperinsulinism

[chibabymumma]

Tiredness used to be something I thought was a gentle wave of sleepiness, not this huge gapping void of fog and torment that ravishes your body and makes your eyes, darker than the inky sky so that everyone can see how deeply etched in exhaustion and pain you are in. That is tiredness, when your body aches with every move you make, everything is heavy but you keep going. You just keep going, hoping you don't collapse under the weight of it all.

[chibabymumma]

How do you speak your fear when you have always been so inner? It's harder than I thought.

4: I'm scared of living and I'm scared of dying. I'm trapped in this strange paradox. I'm not scared of death per say more of what will happen to little lion? But every day his autism shows more and more and that stings so hard. Your worn out torn up and all the threads that you have held on to are starting to fray and your tired so so tired. You get beaten my wee lion who doesn't understand pain, or empathy and I am scared that when he's bigger and older he will do some serious damage to me. I am scared that I may accidentally hurt him trying to stop him from beating me or biting me with such venom that it makes you bleed and howl in pain and he just is completely oblivious.. we have made some progress lately using Qigong massage therapy for autistic children.. I'm scared to be hopeful, I'm scared.

[chibabymumma]

Random song lyrics..

2: Rudy a message to you..stop your messing around... Ahhhh ahhhhh ahhhhhhhh

The specials

[chibabymumma]

Random song lyrics that flood through my mind at stupid times.

1: when will I will I be famous..I can't answer I can't answer that...

Fucking Bros!!!

[chibabymumma]

So I just got out of the hospital with womb issues severe womb issues, the hospital this time was a nightmare, and here I am in severe pain taking care of little lion... where is my husband I hear you ask? Well he fucked off to work and left me to look after our medically complicated special needs autistic toddler on my own... I don't know where to go from here I can barely walk

[chibabymumma]

[chibabymumma]

The sun finally showed it's self today, little lion and I went for a walk and watched the storm clouds roll in from the sea. Just me and little lion hand in hand staring in awe at the storm coming. It was beautiful.

[chibabymumma]

"oh so he can't talk then?" Umm no I said "he's a late developer"

Patronising granny type person gazed at my bewildered face, when she tried to get little lion to talk to her or give her some attention. I think these people need to calm down and stop getting in his face! He gave her no attention because a more interesting thing was happening, a tractor was slowly moving past him filled with hay and the wee man's face lit up and illuminated even her dark mood that she tried to force on us.

She ended up storming off in huff! " Good riddance" I said to little lion quietly, it's not going to be easy for us. In fact one of my own family members told me this

"that boy is going to put you in your grave"

The coldness of the statement made me shiver, "he may well do " I said but just look at him he's perfect his dark floppy hair over his dark dark eyes looking up at me smiling, his little hand in mine, and I thought about it for the longest time after, and thought well it will be a death worth having for him.