I wish I could say that life got easier.
Everything fell apart. My parents separated, my dad's ‘business trips” weren’t business trips after all, he was supporting another family that he neglected to tell mom and I about. A month before I was born, my dad also became the father of another little girl. I was never his one and only. The sparkle in his eyes when he looked at me reflected the love that he had for his first born with his high school sweetheart.
My mother lost her joy and wittiness. She became a shell of her formers self. She became alone. I like to think how she felt is how I felt when Hyunjin left. I never heard from him again. I still cherish the brief moments that we had together. When I realized that I was truly alone, I broke out of the shell that held me back and learned how to love myself. I became outgoing and rekindled old friendships that I thought ended because of me- not that I had a huge group of friends, it was enough for me to never be alone.
“El, what do you want for dinner?” Han snapped me out of my thoughts and I looked over at him and gave him a weak smile.
“Whatever you would like, don’t make me pick you know my default is pizza.” Han leaned over to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I don’t know the moment when Jisung turned to Han and my childhood friend turned into my first love but life has a strange way of working out.
“Pizza it is.” Han got up off the couch and grabbed his phone that was on our kitchen counter and began ordering. I never told Han about Hyunjin, I never wanted to admit to myself or anyone that I thought Hyunjin was meant for me. I managed to keep that secret to myself and never disclosed it to another soul.
“Han, do you think we could do something fun tonight? Whenever we order pizza, we tend to stay in and binge television shows. It is Friday night and you know, we are twenty two but we act like we are fifty.” His head snapped up and he looked at me with round eyes and a smile played across his lips.
“Really?” He began jumping up and down- I think he is surprised that I want to go out tonight.
I stood up and joined him in the kitchen, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in close. Our eyes locked and I reached out and moved his brown hair out of his eyes, my fingers traced his face and he leaned in and kissed me. It was always delicate the way he would kiss me, it would make the butterflies stir inside my stomach.
“Really really,” I whispered with our foreheads pressed together.
“I was hoping you’d ask because The Rose is playing tonight and I really wanted to go.” I stepped back and slapped his shoulder and began to laugh.
“You think I didn’t know that they were playing tonight? I practically had to beg the owner of the club to let them play.”
He grabbed his shoulder and began to whimper as if I had a steel hand.
“Whatever you say, business woman.”
“Don’t hold my successful title above my head.”
We arrived at the club The Rose was playing at, Han and I found our way to the bar and ordered our usual drinks. I scanned the room and was surprised at how packed it was, bodies were mingling and the sound of people laughing brought a smile to my face. I enjoyed hearing the different types of laughter people had, it was music to my ears. I’ll never forget his laughter.
Han leaned over and nudged my arm, “I should mention, you look really beautiful tonight. Who knew that you could wear something other than an oversized hoodie and ripped jeans.” I rolled my eyes at him and leaned into him. He felt safe.
I managed to find a red skirt in the depths of my closest and my favorite black leather jacket. I applied a little more makeup than usual and I knew after this drink, my cheeks would become flushed and would most likely end up matching my skirt.
“You don’t look so bad yourself.” I said back to his compliment and gave him a smile. He grabbed my hand and we made our way towards the side of the stage. I didn’t want to say hi to the boys because I didn’t want them to get nervous before the show. It’s not everyday that the owner of the label that you’ve been signed on to goes to your first concert. No pressure.
“I still can’t believe you found these guys, you’ve got a keen eye. Maybe that’s why we’ve been together for so long.” Han moved a strand of hair behind my eyes and I flushed at his touch. Han and I have been attached to the hip for the past four years so he had a point.
“You’re just so handsome that I have to make sure you’re mine for the rest of our days.” I retorted back. I found his hand and interlocked our fingers together and we sat in our own bubble, surrounded by laughter and voices. The lights dimmed and the talking stopped. I took a deep breath and wished the boys luck, hoping they wouldn’t notice me here.
When they got on stage, they started playing a song that I helped produce and write and the crowd was in a trance- it was one of the more personal songs that I have written and I was surprised they started the show with something slow and not upbeat- I hope the crowd didn’t lose interest. The first time I played my version of I.L.Y to Han was the first time that he confessed his love to me. The song was another secret of mine, I wrote it the day after I found out Hyunjin was never coming back.
Han put his arm around me and I rested my head on his shoulder and continued to drink until my throat was numb.
There was a point in the night where Han left my side because he saw his friends Felix and Changbin, he offered for me to join them in the crowd but I politely declined. My head was spinning and I knew I was teetering on the edge of being drunk. I really didn’t want to make a fool of myself in front of anyone. I was happy that people were enjoying themselves and I would continuously scan the room to make sure no one was losing interest in The Rose. I turned around in my seat and scanned those who were behind me and my eyes fell upon a familiar silhouette.
I was surely too drunk and my eyes were playing tricks on me.
He had the same hair color as he did 5 years ago, it’s little longer and styled better than when we were younger. He turned towards the girl standing next to him and smiled at her. He looked at her the way he used to look at me.
He felt my stare and turned towards me.
I quickly turned back around in my seat and laughed at the false alarm
There’s no way that Hwang Hyunjin is here.
I need to never drink again.
