#i got help

[classycookiexo]

[im-a-pan-not-a-pot]

I came out to my parents almost two days ago. My moms been avoiding me like the plague...

[heartpdf]

im so so scared. i dont know . been confused

[becleverandkind]

I might be more f-cked up than I thought I'd be. The more that I have been seeing professional help with my mental issues, the divorce and my queerness, I've been thinking about the past and my childhood.

I remember the exact spot at our parents home where my mother took a good grip from my hair and pulled and pulled and pulled until i started crying. I was about three to five years old. I can still see and feel that moment, but I can't remember was that the first or the last time that happened.

I remember creepy guys watching my swimming practices when I wasn't even turned 8 years old. I just needed to "keep going, because they were just watching". Yep. Underwater too.

Then I remember talking to one pal on the internet chatroom designed for kids for MONTHS, then exchanging phonenumber with them and almost immediately got a call from them just to throw my heart out of the window when I heard mature mans voice there saying how nice it have been to get to know me and I shouldn't tell my parents anything because I gave my number to him. I was 9-10 years old and thought I was talking to another kid. I hated myself.

Thank godness I was brave and told my parents about him. My dad even tried to call him. We changed my number and life went on. No police or anything, cause _I_ GAVE MY NUMBER TO HIM. Like wtf. I was a KID.

Then when I was eleven years old, I had a crush on my friends stepsibling. I just wanted to be with them. They invited me to their three years older friends place. It was like a little cabin outside the main house. Well I got there and little time went on and my then crush and their friend told me that I can't be there unless I strip to them or unless take my shirt off. When I got uncomfortable and wanted to leave after that, I couldn't leave unless I take my bra off too. I tried anyway. My bra was taken away from me and they told me I was a whore. Then they started to watch some porn and said that I can go. I left so fast that I put my clothes back on outside. It was winter and the weather was f-cking freezing. I walked back home. I'm glad that wasn't long walk, but everytime I go to visit my parents I need to go past that place and it still creeps me out. Or I could say that both of those pals still creeps me out.

When I was twelve years old I had few two to four years older boyfriends who "took me places" with their mopeds and told me I was pretty and sexy and liked to touch my boobs and genitals even when I told them I didn't want to do that or I wanted to go home. So I just let them do it. And they wanted "something for return". Like wtf. I gave you myself, I thought I was loved and giving something for return already. Like ok touch my boobs and then give me a ride home, please. (Sometimes I got a ride back home, sometimes I walked or called my dad if he could pick me up after work.) Sometimes I wanted to be touched yes, but I liked kissing more. I just thought that everything else was something I was supposed to let others do to be valuable.

Same thing continued when I was thirteen. One four years older dude even got me a engagement ring because we belong together. Then got upset when I didn't want to have penetrational sex with him. Everybody else was doing it so why couldn't we do it. We did everything else. I was thirteen. He was seventeen.

Then I had a crush on one pal who was two years older than me. We talked on MSN Messenger quite a lot. Then one evening they wanted to videochat there. I said okay. We knew each other from school. When the video started they were shirtless and said that I should be too and there was no-one there. I said fine, but quickly. And the second I took my shirt off I heard a big laugh and then there was like maybe five guys (aged 13-17) there laughing at me. What a stupid trusting bitch I was. I was a teenager. They were too.

At fourteen years old I mostly wanted to die. I didn't care anymore. Everybody knew about the video chat and suddenly wanted to be with me way or another. And I let them. I picked the ones I didn't hate or hated the least, I picked the ones I thought were least harmful. "I had fun." I was wanted, I was adored, I was f-cking broken. I let them to use me the way they wanted physically, emotionally. And I got to use them to feel good, to feel alive. I hated myself.

Then at fifteen years old I found a real partner at my own age and started a relationship and fell in love. But I didn't know how to maintain that relationship. I broke them and I broke me more. I got pregnant and had an abortion and we officially split up. I was a subject of a scandal conversations at our local bars at that point. I was told that my sibling told to their friend about my abortion and the news spread that way. Even strangers got my phone number and I received calls throw days and nights about was the rumours true and/or could I give sexual favours to them. And there I was - alive and slipping to my "old habits". I was drunk all the time, smoked weed, hanged around with young adults with these substances. I didn't want to exist.

But I did. Few days/week after the abortion I got drunk at my friends place and there was two guys three to four years older than me. One of those guys locked me in the bathroom with them. I got out only for a cigarette with him and after that I just got on and on and on and on. I bleeded after the abortion and I just remember there was blood, I wanted to get out of there and I was in pain. One time in the morning I got to signal my friend that everything was not okay and we got to lock them out of the apartment. Then we just didn't talk about it.

I don't know how it's possible to feel even more f-cked up at this point, but I did. I just kept existing. Being my lovely, happy and funny self who wanted to stop existing but was afraid of dying. I had meds to help me sleep but I just kept being awake. I was diagnosed with depression at fourteen yo. When I told someone about me having a depression the answer was confusion like "but you are so happy all the time, you are like a sunrise and your parents are still together and you have a nice family". Like ummm.... Yes, yes and yes. But I'm a mess. But I couldn't be. I wasn't allowed to be a mess, because "there is always someone who has it worse".

I think at this time I tried to took my own life the first time. But I just passed out like less than 20 hours so that didn't work. I felt sick, but I was alive - and kept my mouth shut about it. I wasn't even worthy to die.

[bisexualstokes-archive]

i tell ya man 15 year old me would be in absolute heaven right now with the amount of csi content i’ve been making

[terrible-sounds-blog]

big shout out to Walmart parking lot security for driving right by me not once, but twice, while I struggled to change a flat tire. stay gold

[imbeinghonest]

it’s hard.

it’s hard to feel like people know what you’re going through or that they understand. i kinda feel like when i am open with my friends and tell them, hey this is what’s going on, i can feel a bit of judgement. whether they mean to or not, i think it’s cause mental health stuff isn’t ever talked about in public. it’s always been taboo i feel like

but i guess i can tell tumblr. 

My name is _ and i have depression and add. i wanted to end my life last may and im so glad i didn’t. i take medication for my depression and add. i went to counseling this summer and got help. i sometimes feel really really really sad but it happens less now. i regret a lot of things i did before this summer. i did a lot of things that after, made me unhappy and feel terrible. i dont want to feel that way anymore. i want to be without regret. 

honestly idk the difference between counseling and therapy. im sorry.

[strawberrymilk4life]

I went to a counsellor today, about time I got help and now maybe its gonna be easier to get better:) :3x