i, wish, have an STPD-based self-collective: a collective of different selves!
if you have a dissociative disorder and take issue with my language/terminology, please let me know: i'll do my best to change the way i word things so as to be more accurate to my experience and less harmful to you! i'm not an expert in psychology and i still have a lot to learn, so my apologies in advance for any mistakes i make!
i am wish generally speaking, but at any moment i may identify as one of the following selves:
whimsy
weary
wonder
wither
additional, seemingly external entities affect my psyche as well:
serendipity
sin
more info on me and my self-collective can be found below! thanks for reading!
other disorder information
my self-collective as a whole is affected by a number of mental disorders aside from STPD (schizotypal personality disorder), which are listed below in alphabetical order. please keep these in mind when interacting with me.
confirmed/diagnosed disorders:
ADHD -> attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder
ASD -> autism spectrum disorder
GAD -> generalized anxiety disorder
MDD -> major depressive disorder
OCD -> obsessive-compulsive disorder
possible/undiagnosed disorders:
BPD -> borderline personality disorder
NPD -> narcissistic personality disorder
origin information
my having multiple selves is caused by the self-disorder characteristic of STPD, more specifically the i-split.
"the patient experiences [their] i, self, or person as being divided or otherwise compartmentalized, disintegrated into semi-independent parts, or not existing as one unified whole. the patient’s complaints must have an experiential quality that may form a continuum from a vague sense of split, ‘as if’ division, to a split that is elaborated in a delusional way."
this section is subject to change, as i continue to get a better understanding of how my i-split affects my psyche.
previously i have used plural first-person pronouns ("we", "us", etc.) to refer to my self-collective, but i am now aware that this is inaccurate. if i do by mistake, that is a holdover from when i considered myself a system; i now know that my selves are not distinct people from me.
CW for mentions of intrusive thoughts.
serendipity (superego, non-self, rank -∞)
a non-self: part of wish's psyche, but wish doesn't ID as them, as if they are an external entity
transcends selfhood; they are the ideal to which wish aspires, representing perfection, beauty, and goodness
witnesses all that is felt, thought, done, or said by the self
(supposedly) connected to the psyches of people whom the self-collective wants to impress: these people (supposedly) behold the self-collective through this non-self's witnessing
not always "active"; can be forgotten about and remembered
wish (ego, main self, rank 0)
the "true" self: possesses the psyche, IDs as the other selves and their traits in order of rank
bodily adult (20 years old), born 6/15/2006
age regressor
cat pet regressor, therian
gender neutral terms, they/them
apl-spec, aro-spec, ace-spec
AFAB nonbinary lesbian
sayaka miki (puella magi madoka magica) IRL
associated with the color blue
whimsy (self, rank 1)
the first-most dominant self
shy, well-behaved, sensitive
child
henry ledore (professor layton and the miracle mask) IRL
associated with the color green
weary (self, rank 2)
the second-most dominant self
quiet, responsible, self-hating
adult
henry ledore (professor layton and the miracle mask) IRL
associated with the color yellow
wonder (self, rank 3)
the third-most dominant self
silly, curious, expressive
child
randall ascot (professor layton and the miracle mask) IRL
associated with the color red
wither (self, rank 4)
the fourth-most and least dominant self
loud, self-centered, angry
adult
randall ascot (professor layton and the miracle mask) IRL
associated with the color purple
sin (id, non-self, rank ∞)
a non-self: part of wish's psyche, but wish doesn't ID as them, as if they are an external entity
transcends selfhood; they are everything wish does not want to associate with or be
embodies all impulses, intrusive thoughts, and base instincts, as well as selfish desires and guilty pleasures
wish is hesitant to heed their "advice", which is given in the form of sudden, often unwanted thoughts
not always "active"; can be forgotten about and remembered
I find the obsession with what makes a "real alter(person)" a scary and upsetting line of discourse. Like, as if someone who identifies at least partially as a sentient independent being, can be argued out of existence.
It's likely that my aspects are caused by self disturbance related to my schizophrenia, it may have nothing to do with dissociation or any trauma in my life.
But this doesn't give anyone, even me, the right to tell them that they don't "really" exist.
i think my conclusion (to wrap up this frankly rather stupid saga of mine) is that i should focus more on my experiences as someone with i-split and less on syscourse. because spending time and energy on the latter clearly does nothing good for me, while i have my own disorder to attend to...
anyway, i notice my wither self more than my other selves just because it feels the most "out of character" for me. i ID as wither fairly often, but i don't ID with wither much at all, even if perhaps i should. it's a version of me, after all! but i just don't associate myself with its traits in the grand scheme of things... but because of that very fact, it is the most obvious ID for me. whimsy and weary encapsulate what i consider to be my general demeanor, in that in public i ID primarily as them; i ID as wonder mainly in private, but sometimes in public too, and as such it's a part of my outward demeanor as well. but wither? i ID as wither almost exclusively when by myself... no wonder it stands out so much...
i don't even know if i have an imaginary friend. i think i just want to have one to keep me company? but i'm not that lonely at the moment.
maybe it's that wonder and wither are a part of me (the robin part of me), but i project them onto someone/something else when i feel alone. right now i'm okay, so i'm not doing that projecting. i'll revise my psyche bio to not have the section on "ollie" anymore, as i don't think he ever existed.
in any event, i almost always ID as whimsy and weary (the henry part of me) when i'm around other people. whimsy is more like little henry and weary is more like grown-up henry, just as wonder is more like little robin and wither is more like grown-up robin. i infrequently ID as wonder around others, and practically never wither; when i'm alone i could easily ID as any of the four, but this is when my ID as wither really shines.
i'm still trying to figure out my colors, by the way... i know that out of whimsy and weary one of them is green, and that out of wonder and wither one of them is purple, but i'm a bit stuck on who's what. is it:
i feel compelled to give my stance on endo plurality even though i'm really not obliged to. i've seen many arguments on both sides and they all make some level of sense to me. as someone who does not identify as a system, be it traumagenic or endogenic, i really don't think it's my place to have an opinion on the validity of the latter... but maybe that just speaks to my not wanting to alienate any of my tumblr acquaintances, whom i respect regardless. i don't know.
all i know is that i personally have multiple selves, but that these selves are not different people. what bugs me is how little online (tumblr) discussion there is around this, around i-split, when that's what i experience. i feel a draw towards systemhood as a concept not because it accurately describes my mental workings, but because it describes them, albeit incorrectly, with a framework that's fairly widespread. there's a whole community around systemhood here on tumblr! i want to be part of something like that!
arguably my experience is still some kind of plurality, wherein i'm a plural non-system, say... but do i want to argue this just so i can take part in a community, being the plural community? i feel like on some level identifying as plural implies a certain stance on traumagenic and endogenic systems, when i really don't solidly have one (i don't know enough about the coining of the word "plural" to say if a staunchly pro-endo stance is implicit)...
all i'll say is that i don't doubt the multiplicity or plural-ness of endogenic systems... i guess i just wonder if "system" is even the right word to use, when that implies similar functionality to a disordered-traumagenic system, even though that similarity is likely lacking due to being non-disordered and endogenic. this goes back to my own experience, in which i thought i was a system, but found that the label didn't suit me, given how my more-than-one-ness works differently from that of systems. i'm not one to police the use of the word "system", though, even if i think perhaps there are terms for you to use to describe yourself which would be more useful for you.
i hope this didn't offend anyone! i'm just curious about the whole thing... regardless of whether you believe endo systems are systems or not, they use the word "system" for a reason! there's a genuine experience there that they're trying to describe, and systemhood at the very least approximates it.
self-collective = the collection of all of one's different selves
self = a version/part of one's psyche whom one identifies as
ego = the self which all other selves are versions of: the main self
identifying/IDing (as a certain self) = associating oneself with and describing oneself as a certain self at any given moment
non-self = a part of one's psyche whom one does not identify as
ellie's stpd self-collective:
"the eyes" (superego, non-self)
a non-self: part of ellie's psyche, but ellie doesn't ID as them, as if they are an external entity
transcends selfhood; they are the ideal to which ellie aspires, representing perfection, beauty, safety, and goodness
witnesses all that is felt, thought, done, or said by the self
(supposedly) connected to the psyches of people whom the self-collective wants to impress: these people (supposedly) behold the self-collective through this non-self's witnessing
not always "active"; can be forgotten about and remembered
ellie (ego)
the "true" self: possesses the psyche, IDs as the other selves and their traits
bodily adult (20 years old), born 6/15/2006
age regressor
cat pet regressor, therian
gender neutral terms, they/them
apl-spec, aro-spec, ace-spec
AFAB nonbinary lesbian
whimsy (dominant self)
shy, well-behaved, sensitive
yellow
child
weary (auxiliary self)
quiet, responsible, self-hating
green
adult
wonder (tertiary self)
silly, curious, expressive
purple
child
wither (inferior self)
loud, self-centered, angry
red
adult
"the mouth" (id, non-self)
a non-self: part of ellie's psyche, but ellie doesn't ID as them, as if they are an external entity
transcends selfhood; they are everything ellie does not want to associate with or be
embodies all impulses, intrusive thoughts, and base instincts, as well as selfish desires and guilty pleasures
ellie is hesitant to heed their "advice", which is given in the form of sudden, often unwanted thoughts
not always "active"; can be forgotten about and remembered
kin information...
IRLs (ellie is this character, sharing a soul with them):
henry ledore <- professor layton and the miracle mask
theriotypes (ellie is this animal):
orange tabby cat
regular kintypes (ellie's soul is linked with this character's soul):
clover <- inanimate insanity
ralsei <- deltarune
the little prince <- the little prince
fluttershy <- my little pony
eevee <- pokemon
thank you again for reading, and have a lovely day <3
i emailed my parents some questions about my childhood and they got back to me: they said that they don't remember anything they'd consider traumatic having happened to me, but that they do know i was negatively affected by their arguments and my sister's behavior at the time. my mom's also going to get in touch with our housekeeper, who used to babysit me and my siblings, as she might have some insight. i'm emailing them a couple more questions now, actually...
in any event, even though trauma is a broad concept and it's fairly likely i experienced something that could qualify, i'm finding it increasingly unlikely that i'm a traumagenic system. i feel as though i have to fudge too many details to fit criteria... i am definitely more-than-one, that i can be assured of, but i do think the i-split concept describes my experience more naturally and more accurately.
that being said, i wish there were more of a community around schizo-spec people with i-split (or even with self-disorder more generally). i never hear it talked about: not on here, not anywhere else, aside from wikipedia and some sparse scientific literature... and why? is it really rare? does it get misdiagnosed (like how i originally thought i had a dissociative disorder)? or, i say jokingly, would this hypothetical community of people only be filled with asocial schizo-spec folks who wouldn't interact enough to form a community in the first place?
