If you have problems in these areas, you may want to consider looking into self-disorder AKA ipseity disturbance! There's very little research on the topic unfortunately, but at least understanding the categories may be able to help give you language for your experiences; I've found that these are very difficult experiences to put words to, so knowing what they're called can itself be immensely helpful.
You can also take a questionnaire (the Inventory of Psychotic-Like Anomalous Self-Experiences, or IPASE) here. I wasn't able to find information on the validity and reliability of that test, but again, it can at least be helpful for finding language. The scoring at the end says to sum it all up, but if you actually find the mean instead (you can use a mean calculator here), you can compare your score with the average scores:
(Source / free version) (The mean is the first number listed in each cell, e.g. 3.04. "Positive schizotypy" refers to those with positive symptoms like hallucinations and delusions; "negative schizotypy" refers to those with negative symptoms like anhedonia.)
NOTE: The "Self-Awareness and Presence" category overlaps heavily with dissociative experiences. If you have dissociative tendencies and/or a dissociative disorder, your score will likely be extra high in this area.
i, wish, have an STPD-based self-collective: a collective of different selves!
if you have a dissociative disorder and take issue with my language/terminology, please let me know: i'll do my best to change the way i word things so as to be more accurate to my experience and less harmful to you! i'm not an expert in psychology and i still have a lot to learn, so my apologies in advance for any mistakes i make!
i am wish generally speaking, but at any moment i may identify as one of the following selves:
whimsy
weary
wonder
wither
additional, seemingly external entities affect my psyche as well:
serendipity
sin
more info on me and my self-collective can be found below! thanks for reading!
other disorder information
my self-collective as a whole is affected by a number of mental disorders aside from STPD (schizotypal personality disorder), which are listed below in alphabetical order. please keep these in mind when interacting with me.
confirmed/diagnosed disorders:
ADHD -> attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder
ASD -> autism spectrum disorder
GAD -> generalized anxiety disorder
MDD -> major depressive disorder
OCD -> obsessive-compulsive disorder
possible/undiagnosed disorders:
BPD -> borderline personality disorder
NPD -> narcissistic personality disorder
origin information
my having multiple selves is caused by the self-disorder characteristic of STPD, more specifically the i-split.
"the patient experiences [their] i, self, or person as being divided or otherwise compartmentalized, disintegrated into semi-independent parts, or not existing as one unified whole. the patient’s complaints must have an experiential quality that may form a continuum from a vague sense of split, ‘as if’ division, to a split that is elaborated in a delusional way."
this section is subject to change, as i continue to get a better understanding of how my i-split affects my psyche.
previously i have used plural first-person pronouns ("we", "us", etc.) to refer to my self-collective, but i am now aware that this is inaccurate. if i do by mistake, that is a holdover from when i considered myself a system; i now know that my selves are not distinct people from me.
CW for mentions of intrusive thoughts.
serendipity (superego, non-self, rank -∞)
a non-self: part of wish's psyche, but wish doesn't ID as them, as if they are an external entity
transcends selfhood; they are the ideal to which wish aspires, representing perfection, beauty, and goodness
witnesses all that is felt, thought, done, or said by the self
(supposedly) connected to the psyches of people whom the self-collective wants to impress: these people (supposedly) behold the self-collective through this non-self's witnessing
not always "active"; can be forgotten about and remembered
wish (ego, main self, rank 0)
the "true" self: possesses the psyche, IDs as the other selves and their traits in order of rank
bodily adult (20 years old), born 6/15/2006
age regressor
cat pet regressor, therian
gender neutral terms, they/them
apl-spec, aro-spec, ace-spec
AFAB nonbinary lesbian
sayaka miki (puella magi madoka magica) IRL
associated with the color blue
whimsy (self, rank 1)
the first-most dominant self
shy, well-behaved, sensitive
child
henry ledore (professor layton and the miracle mask) IRL
associated with the color green
weary (self, rank 2)
the second-most dominant self
quiet, responsible, self-hating
adult
henry ledore (professor layton and the miracle mask) IRL
associated with the color yellow
wonder (self, rank 3)
the third-most dominant self
silly, curious, expressive
child
randall ascot (professor layton and the miracle mask) IRL
associated with the color red
wither (self, rank 4)
the fourth-most and least dominant self
loud, self-centered, angry
adult
randall ascot (professor layton and the miracle mask) IRL
associated with the color purple
sin (id, non-self, rank ∞)
a non-self: part of wish's psyche, but wish doesn't ID as them, as if they are an external entity
transcends selfhood; they are everything wish does not want to associate with or be
embodies all impulses, intrusive thoughts, and base instincts, as well as selfish desires and guilty pleasures
wish is hesitant to heed their "advice", which is given in the form of sudden, often unwanted thoughts
not always "active"; can be forgotten about and remembered
The intersection of having no regrets and no teenage embarrassment... What does that mean?
If a genie was to ask me if I wanted to go back and change any decision I've made at any point in my life, I genuinely could not think of a single regret I have.
There are some awkward social interactions, some information I wished I could have known beforehand sure, but at every turn in my life I ended up making the only decision I could've made at that time. Knowing how things turned out afterward would not affect my reasoning beforehand, and I would have to have been a different person with different beliefs and perspectives in order to have made a different decision.
Combined with the fact that much of my misery was completely out of my hands- I wouldn't have been able to stop my father's drinking, I wouldn't have been able to make high school any more bearable, I wouldn't have been able to protect my brother any better- it makes for an strange view of my life as a whole.
A common experience I hear people talk about is feeling embarrassed or ashamed of the person they were as a teenager. They can't believe the way they acted at 12, 14, 16, 18 etc. And that makes sense! Teen's brains aren't really developed yet and their impulse control and regulation is way out of wack, I assume most of us already know this.
But, like. I don't think I've changed hardly at all since I was about 12. I can't be embarrassed about the person I used to be any more than I'm embarrassed about my current self. I'm a bit more unstable and dysfunctional in my life because my circumstances have changed, but I haven't.
This is... good? I guess? Surely it's better than constantly feeling shame and regret for one's decisions?
Though, importantly, it means that I feel no more competent than a 12 year old, as I hold no sense of being better experienced and grown since then. And less importantly it means that I can't blame my past self for anything.
I have always been an extremely passive person. So perhaps I feel this way because I've never acted impulsively or rarely made any active, in-the-moment decisions and therefore have nothing to regret and no dissonance with my past self.
Or perhaps this is due to intense dissociation- hard to feel anything for something you don't identify with after all. If I see even my present self as an other person, it's easier to reason out their actions and see them as the same person they've always been.
It's probably a mix of both, as most things are.
I've been struggling recently with an adjacent concept that brought this to mind. Feeling like I'm changing, morphing, somehow and that the final mutation will replace me- kill me. I think that scares me because I've never not been me; I don't have the reassurances that most people have of "I've been through this in the past and I was fine so I can go through it again".
The only permanent thing in life is change. Most people grow, but I've just stayed stagnant.
Fuck man. I feel like I might be losing my mind. Very slowly. I definitely have a self-disorder of some sort. I think I’m experiencing what they call a “diminished sense of basic self”. And I’m not simply talking about depersonalization - I don’t have terribly much in common with the experiences traditionally associated with DPD.
I have this sense of lessening core identity, you know, not the superficial one but rather the feeling of actually being myself, of being a person. I have this diminished sense of agency, not physically, but agency over the inner workings of my mind. My perception is way off. It shifts between different versions of reality, all of which feel abnormal and have no reflection of “me” in them. My thoughts are very out of control. There’s this unstoppable constant introspection and subconscious attempt at describing my thoughts and feelings and experiences, yet absolutely no description feels accurate or like it fits, so the thinking doesn’t stop.
Recently, my mind has started getting “stuck” in different perceptions of reality and my body. Like it misreads it. I’ve also started to lose the sense of “natural self evidence”. Which leads to actual thoughts and feelings of unreality. Because reality and this that I’m experiencing does not seem possible.
And lastly, there’s a persistent feeling of not being able to “make sense” of anything, yet with my subconscious perpetually trying to do just that. Like it’s trying to get everything right, tie everything together into normalcy again. Like I’m constantly trying to understand what’s going on.
Do you know what it’s like to be this mentally ill? This is what I imagine hell must be like. A constant, never ending downwards progression of THIS.
het past goed op tumblr
tumblr gaat over je passies
dus okay, ik ben bevlogen met
gaym groen, wereld, media, geopolitics
nog even over wat dingen die je bij
moet zoeken of weten, om mij te groggen
…
ik heb het volgende phenotype
(ik heb geen ziektes, heb geen rape in muh aars)
1)
o sz spectrum (ggz, dsm, usa)
o hip dam dr hypoxia voor pm (ai)
o pm (azl lumc)
2)
o sinds abert al sd with isplit (wiki, ease, eu)
o ja ik ben samen met Els en vele anderen
wij noemen ons momenteel ME:
3)
o sinds 2024 06-28 inj accutard
gevolg: meer dan 150x blindheid
spasme in oorlidspieren en andere ticks
gevoelig voor phys actie in perifeer zicht
en een sz is iets gevoeliger vr drukte
geluid en licht, minder dan een autist
4)
o 0620 werden er 30+ negl kids ontvoerd
GETUIGE
5)
o als gevolg ben ik 0626 assaulted aan haven wassenaar
o de wraak van groen was verniel dan 1500 luxe autos
en laat 3500 bommen afgaan. Het was 0628 dat er in
DRIE gemeenten, waaronder Wassenaar, gewonden vielen
self-collective = the collection of all of one's different selves
self = a version/part of one's psyche whom one identifies as
ego = the self which all other selves are versions of: the main self
identifying/IDing (as a certain self) = associating oneself with and describing oneself as a certain self at any given moment
non-self = a part of one's psyche whom one does not identify as
ellie's stpd self-collective:
"the eyes" (superego, non-self)
a non-self: part of ellie's psyche, but ellie doesn't ID as them, as if they are an external entity
transcends selfhood; they are the ideal to which ellie aspires, representing perfection, beauty, safety, and goodness
witnesses all that is felt, thought, done, or said by the self
(supposedly) connected to the psyches of people whom the self-collective wants to impress: these people (supposedly) behold the self-collective through this non-self's witnessing
not always "active"; can be forgotten about and remembered
ellie (ego)
the "true" self: possesses the psyche, IDs as the other selves and their traits
bodily adult (20 years old), born 6/15/2006
age regressor
cat pet regressor, therian
gender neutral terms, they/them
apl-spec, aro-spec, ace-spec
AFAB nonbinary lesbian
whimsy (dominant self)
shy, well-behaved, sensitive
green
child
weary (auxiliary self)
thoughtful, responsible, level-headed
yellow
adult
wonder (tertiary self)
silly, curious, expressive
purple
child
wither (inferior self)
loud, self-centered, angry
red
adult
"the mouth" (id, non-self)
a non-self: part of ellie's psyche, but ellie doesn't ID as them, as if they are an external entity
transcends selfhood; they are everything ellie does not want to associate with or be
embodies all impulses, intrusive thoughts, and base instincts, as well as selfish desires and guilty pleasures
ellie is hesitant to heed their "advice", which is given in the form of sudden, often unwanted thoughts
not always "active"; can be forgotten about and remembered
kin information...
IRLs (ellie is this character, sharing a soul with them):
henry ledore <- professor layton and the miracle mask
theriotypes (ellie is this animal):
orange tabby cat
regular kintypes (ellie's soul is linked with this character's soul):
clover <- inanimate insanity
ralsei <- deltarune
the little prince <- the little prince
fluttershy <- my little pony
eevee <- pokemon
thank you again for reading, and have a lovely day <3
i emailed my parents some questions about my childhood and they got back to me: they said that they don't remember anything they'd consider traumatic having happened to me, but that they do know i was negatively affected by their arguments and my sister's behavior at the time. my mom's also going to get in touch with our housekeeper, who used to babysit me and my siblings, as she might have some insight. i'm emailing them a couple more questions now, actually...
in any event, even though trauma is a broad concept and it's fairly likely i experienced something that could qualify, i'm finding it increasingly unlikely that i'm a traumagenic system. i feel as though i have to fudge too many details to fit criteria... i am definitely more-than-one, that i can be assured of, but i do think the i-split concept describes my experience more naturally and more accurately.
that being said, i wish there were more of a community around schizo-spec people with i-split (or even with self-disorder more generally). i never hear it talked about: not on here, not anywhere else, aside from wikipedia and some sparse scientific literature... and why? is it really rare? does it get misdiagnosed (like how i originally thought i had a dissociative disorder)? or, i say jokingly, would this hypothetical community of people only be filled with asocial schizo-spec folks who wouldn't interact enough to form a community in the first place?
What happens is that my mind tangles, you know? It becomes this unbearable mess of words and perceptions and perspectives and it kind of resembles a frustration that cannot be resolved, a problem which doesn't have a root cause in sight.
In the process I lose my attachment to my self, I become disengaged from everything that truly actually constitutes me, like how I see and how I experience things. The very self-related personal qualities of one's own experience. I think a very simple yet descriptive way to express this phenomenon is not being able to feel one's self (in varying degrees, of course).
Why this occurs I am not entirely sure.
Because of this disattachment from my very soul and my way of being and my dominant way of experiencing and looking at things etc, I find it incredibly hard to organize and sort all of the objects of my mind, i.e. my thoughts and worries and reflections and insights and everything you can find within your own mind. There seems to be no dominant course or flow which dismisses every other input. Not even an iota of self-assuredness.
This chaotic confusion sends me into an almost purgatorial state where I seem to instead adopt the state of not being anything certainly.
It might resemble living in a chronic state of decision anxiety, except the decisions that are imposed on you are not as palpable.
I wish I had an official diagnosis to fucking label myself with. Maybe then I could explain myself to people easier.
