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The Legend of Hercules (2014) directed by Renny Harlin and starring Kellan Lutz as HERCULES!!!

Man. Renny Harlin. What happened? Where’d you go? When I first started looking up this movie, I distinctly remember giving out a spontaneous “aw. No!” cry of disappointment to see his name pop un in the director slot on imdb. That sucks. Harlin was one of my guys as a kid. Staying up late watching Cliffhanger and Die Hard(s) was a great time. Long Kiss Goodnight would be my go to in the Harlin-ography. It’s still in the collection and gets used on rainy days (90s Shane Black and Renny are dynamite!) but what is this?! This movie?! I wish I could give you a hug, because you must have seen some dark days brother.

If you were judging this on the peplum formula, this movie fits with our previous line up like a glove in a lot of ways. Filmed in Bulgaria, the place where B movies are now born (taking the spot from Italy) the cast and crew march right in step with the sword and sandal tactics of mid 60s pepla; Awkward acting, campy writing and production, blatant theft of more successful conventions and themes used in more popular films (which assured the possibility of these films). This movie is pretty much the 1965 peplum experience presumably to the Rock’s late 50s peplum knock off (hopefully that’s complimentary).

After watching this movie a notion started to turn around in my head. I don’t think this movie is for the people one would typically assume. You know, the 20 something guys in Tap Out shirts who hang around gyms too long and talk about deals in AutoTrader like it’s not the most boring fucking way to live your life. This isn’t that movie. Kellan Lutz isn’t the guy you cast if you’re making that film. His poor man’s Chris Hemsworth has an appeal for sure, check out the millions of twilight fan pages and you’ll see for yourself. Movies with everyone hairless, unclothed, and facially groomed to a fine point attracts an audience group, despite the script and production, These films are for the gals and guys holding the hands of the gym rats with no fear back tattoos (who probably thought they were watching that new 300 movie).

After noticing movies like Pompei, all the shirtless scenes in those Thors, and the new Snow White and The Huntsman roll by, I think there’s a cultural shift which is allowing a heterosexual woman and gay male audience a chance at the b action film block that the white guy demographic have been enjoying for decades.

The overlong waterfall shots, lack of enthusiasm or attention to action, and general direction toward “emotions” and romance in the movie gives me a sense of this (possible) clandestine purpose. The most believable (and hottest) relationship in the film is the somewhat overt possibility of Lutz and Liam McIntyre’s Sotiris straight hooking up between adventures (with male bondage thrown right in there for spice).

If we are getting a new breed of b movie that wants to give this too long ignored audience the same fun that I’ve enjoyed from goofball shit like this since time began, that’s great! I kind of doubt it (almost completely) BUT how great would it be if the studios are disguising bad Rom/Action flicks enough to fool the core male audience so their significant others can get them to the movies that they’ve been waiting to see?

Film Review: Yeah, this movie is terrible. Harlin steals everything he possibly can from shit common in the last five years, but mainly from Snyder’s playbook. I mean EVERYTHING. The theft is so blatant and bold, it doesn’t even feel embarrassing after a while, just natural. Harlin used to be the guy who made the Hollywood standard for action. It really depresses me. I think the high mark was when I noticed halfway through that they had even taken the Frank Miller arrow tip designs from 300. Even the arrowheads? You couldn’t pull anything else out of your closet? Wow.

Another strange thing: This isn't a Hercules movie. Nah. This is a standard action film with the title slapped on. I’m not bothered by it (besides the time lost which could have gone to more Reg Park) but this doesn’t really have anything to do with Hercules mythology at all. He even has a different name for three quarters of the film: Alcides. I remember it because the script demands people say full names at the end of every sentence when addressing anyone. Ever. Besides pasting in a lion fight in the beginning, this is just some sword and sandal flick where it rains too much. That’s it. I don’t know where this movie came from.

Scott Adkins is in this. I like Scott Adkins. That beard is great; I hope he really grew it.

Depiction of Hercules: yeah, this isn’t Hercules. He’s Alcides. It’s an Alcides film. He’s also just as clean shaven as a Gillete razor model (with about as much charisma as a pile of shaving cream).

Up next: It’s the final showdown. It all comes down to this….

Hercules (2014) directed by Brett Ratner and starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as HERCULES!!!

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