#icbhnb

[palimpsessed]

The third annual! Questions by @captain-aralias .

Complete Fics for 2022:

I Can't Believe He's Not Butter

4,941 words

by any other name…

3,035 words

Simon Snow and Dracula's Curse, A Scooby Doo AU

46,064 words

In Progress Fics for 2022:

Slings and Eros

70,055 words added in 2022

Total:

4 complete fics, 1 fic in progress

Word count:

124,095

Thoughts:

I thought my output this year had really waned, but I only completed one more fic in 2020 and 2021. My word count has been pretty consistent, with this year's actually being higher than 2021 (107k) and 2020 (113k). So maybe I need to be kinder to myself. It's truly just having the specter of a massively long wip looming for a second year running.

Since I included SAE in last year's review, I'm going to stick with the three fics I haven't talked about yet. All I ever talk about is SAE anyway. However, I think this works better for writers with more fics to talk about because there would be less repetition in the answers.

best/worst title?

best:

I Can't Believe He's Not Butter

What else is there to say? This fic is about an emo syrup container watching an attractive tub of margarine being spread seductively over pancakes.

worst:

by any other name...

I like this but perhaps it doesn't pin down the point of the fic well enough. But I really couldn't lead with "dicknames" or "cocktail" so. Shakespeare it is.

best/worst summary?

best:

SSADC

"The gang is invited to spend Halloween weekend in famed seaside town Whitby, North Yorkshire. It's supposed to be a holiday filled with music, history, and more vampire fangs than Simon Snow has ever dreamed of. But when a flying fiend claiming to be Count Dracula himself shows up, warning tourists and locals alike to stay away from the famous ruins of Whitby Abbey, Simon and the rest of the Enigma Ltd. gang know they've got another mystery on their hands. Matters are only further complicated when Simon's longtime professional rival, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Grimm-Pitch of Pitch Paranormal Investigations, swoops in with perfect hair to steal Enigma Ltd.'s case.

"Will the gang manage to solve the mystery in time to save Whitby from the Count and his Curse? And more importantly, will Simon solve the mystery of his very confusing feelings for Baz?"

I could see this one printed on the back of a Scooby Doo DVD clamshell. (I absolutely do check out Scooby Doo DVDs from my library every Halloween.)

worst:

BAON

"Baz has been making a new list and he’s decided it’s time to share it with his unsuspecting boyfriend."

Again, I was being coy. This probably should have been something like: "Baz decides to give Simon's cock a worthy nickname. Unapologetic puns ensue." You know, after I did this last year, I actually revised my worst summary to make the changes that I felt would improve it. Maybe I'll do that with this one, too. Maybe.

best/worst first line?

best:

ICBHNB

"The existence (if one can be so bold as to call it that) of a blue plate diner denizen holds all the shine one can find on a cloudy-water-spotted soup spoon. There are occasional flashes of warm, bright pink neon ("open 24 hours") to give you the sense of a rose-tinted view, but by and large, the days offer little more variety and adventure than stuck-on food and creeping rust stains.

"In this place, soup spoons are to solitary condiments like myself what reflecting pools are to Narcissus."

Okay, maybe this is a bit too long to consider a line, but oh well. I hate writing descriptions of physical places. I would much prefer my characters just float around in a void and have endless amounts of banter-laden dialogue. But the diner was integral to this story and I think I did a pretty good job with it, introducing it along with our narrator, pancake syrup!Baz, and using it to set the mood.

worst:

SSADC

"It was a dark and stormy night."

This was obviously intentionally done, so I'm okay with it. Except for the fact that somewhere along the way, the period disappeared without me noticing so it just sat there with no punctuation for weeks. The very first sentence. Off to a strong start.

best/worst last line?

best:

SSADC

"Hey, Baz," she said. "How come you're not in costume?"

You need the context for this one to make sense, but trust me. I love how punchy it turned out, and also that it wasn't planned. I just knew in the moment.

Also, ICBHNB is somewhat open-ended, but I do really like how the last sentence revisits the opening of the fic and shows how much Baz has changed his mind about his "life" now that Simon is in it.

worst

BAON

"We never do get back to Baz’s list."

It's okay, but it's a bit lacking in impact after the repartee immediately before it. This was just my way of fading to black so I didn't have to actually write the sex.

looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, fewer than you thought, or about what you predicted?

Fewer. I thought I'd finally wrap on SAE and be able to tackle more of my other ideas. I had been determined not to write anything else until it was complete, but at some point I decided it was healthier for me to indulge a side fic now and again for the sake of my creative sanity. I didn't want to start resenting SAE because I couldn't work on other things. More to look forward to next year…

what pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

I didn't think I'd ever have cause to write pancake syrup/margarine. But here we are.

what's your favorite story this year? not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest?

It's so hard to choose. I'm really happy with all of them and they're all very different things. I suppose SSADC because I've been working on that concept off and on since I got into fandom and it was nowhere near as clever or funny in my early drafts and planning. I was frustrated with it for a long time, but then it ended up being so much better for the delay. And it's done!!!!! I'm incredibly proud of it.

okay, now your most popular story?

I never know what the best metric is to judge this by? I suppose kudos?

BAON leads in kudos for the year, so I'll say that. Which makes sense. It's the closest I came to smut.

story most underappreciated by the universe?

SSADC and ICBHNB are my least kudoesed(?) over all years so I think they just didn’t find their audience.

story that could have been better?

I know I said I wasn't going to talk about SAE, but damn it could be SHORTER. I find myself most critical of it because I've sat with it for so long. But I still wouldn't change any of it. I always kind of avoid this question.

sexiest story?

Hmm. It probably should be BAON since it is about cocks, but I kind of want to say ICBHNB because that margarine!Simon does spread on awfully smooth… How many fics can boast a completely appropriate use of the word 'nubbin' anyway?

saddest story?

None of my finished fics were sad, but SAE definitely goes there with the deep emotions, so that one gets the honor.

most fun?

SSADC

I wrote a theme song! Lucy the dog dashes into action against "Dracula" wearing a Dracula dog costume. Simon chucks bricks at creepy hooded cultists because Penny didn't let him bring his sword. Baz and Simon absolutely do not speedwalk race down the street to the Whitby library. Penny’s skirt has pockets! No one ever gives Baz a leaflet. BJ and the CUNTS! Penis window. I need to reread this fic.

story with the single sweetest moment?

SSADC

Simon feeds Baz pieces of mint Aero while they're sharing a bed. That was pretty sweet. (Get it, sweet?)

Honorable mention to ICBHNB for being sweetest fic overall, in that the narrator is literally pancake syrup.

hardest story to write?

SSADC

Which I've been trying to write unsuccessfully since very early 2020 (does anyone remember very early 2020?). This version of the fic did give me some hiccups along the way, but finally sorting out the POV and tone of the fic was key, as was the timely Dracula tie-in. It finally felt right this time and I look forward to continuing the adventures of Enigma Ltd. and Pitch Paranormal Investigations.

easiest/most fun story to write?

I'm being difficult and answering with all three fics!

Easiest is a tie between the one shots: ICBHNB and BAON. Short and also mostly crack. I'd had both ideas tossing around in my head for a while and once the mood hit for each of them, they came about pretty quickly.

Most fun: SSADC (for the reasons stated under the other kind of "most fun" above)

did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

I'm boring with this one and usually say 'no', but I will say that SSADC was my first time really writing the classic SnowBaz "enemies" to lovers dynamic. I think I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it, because I tend to shy away from that. Not sure if that will inform fic writing decisions going forward, but considering that nearly all of my ideas at the moment are But-What-If-SnowBaz AUs, the dynamics are mostly determined by how I'm adapting the worlds of the various AUs.

most overdue story?

hahaha

I can finally say SSADC and know that it's DONE!!!!!

did you take any writing risks this year? what did you learn from them?

Everything felt like a risk while I had a 100k+ wip. Staying in more lighthearted and cracky territory wasn't necessarily a risk, but certainly something that took me out of my comfort zone as a fic writer. Really, I think I just needed to give myself permission for it.

this year's theme and the story that demonstrates it?

Perseverance.

SSADC and SAE

I finished one and am determined to finish the other.

what are your fic writing goals for next year?

See above.

Seriously, though, my main goal is to wrap SAE and make sure it's satisfying for all the build up—for me and its readers. Aside from that, I have a whole list of prompts for myself and I think I'm really just waiting to get inspired about which one to work on first. I have my Bond AU pretty much entirely plotted out, so you'd think it would be that one. But I also want to do a second part for my Scooby AU. And maybe finally write that The Holiday AU. Or Galaxy Quest. Or Troop Beverly Hills. Or Bell Book and Candle. Or or or…

Here's a good goal: I would like to not write any more dactylic hexameter.

If you read all this way, thanks for taking this journey with me. See you for more words and more fics in 2023!

[palimpsessed]

I’m doing this so dang early it’s not even 9pm on Saturday. But I finished my crack fic today and I’m feeling very good about it. I can promise 4500 words of pure grade a crack and a heaping helping of puns.

All that said, I’m going to give you another tease that’s missing most context and then go make my banner.

A very smooth ally. Even worse.

I’m on the verge of wallowing over this very unfortunate turn of events, but I refuse to be affected. That’s just what the butter would want.

You will not be bitter over butter, I tell myself, trying not to watch as the man at the Counter brings his loaded knife to his stack of pancakes and drags the dull, serrated edge across the flat and fluffy expanse of perfectly browned, fried batter.

I hear the soft bite and drag of the knife’s teeth as they find the purchase of friction, leaving in their wake one long, fast melting smear of buttery spread.

Hey exactly six sentences without even trying. Nice.

I’ll throw in a bunch of tags since this is early early for me. These are hellos as much as they are me peering over your shoulder to see what you’re working on—fic or not, share whatever you’ve got👀 @caitybug our illustrious crack fest leader🙏 @jbrrring (eye bro life 🥰🤨) @mostlymaudlin @sillyunicorn @tea-brigade @aristocratic-otter @artsyunderstudy @stillmadaboutpetra @wetheformidables @snowybank @moodandmist @gekkoinapeartree @bookish-bogwitch @nick-eyre @unseelieseelie @seducing-a-vampire @facewithoutheart @martsonmars @fatalfangirl @fight-surrender @excalisbury @otherworldsivelivedin @confused-bi-queer @themandilorian @otherpeoplesheartachept-2 @prettylightsbigcity @stardustasincocaine @ivelovedhimthroughworse @bloodiedpixie @frjsti @takitalks @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @skeedelvee @urban-sith @captain-aralias @bazzybelle @pacey-bunce-loves-joey

[palimpsessed]

My @co-crack-fest fic is here!

I Can’t Believe He’s Not Butter!

Baz is a depressive container of pancake syrup who just wants what the ketchups have. Then, one day, a tub of margarine comes into his life.

Customer Review Rating: Teen

Average wait time: 4,941 words

Starter:

From my angle in the syrup caddy, there isn't much else to look at most of the time. It's not like the other syrups and I have anything to do with one another. Maple doesn't have the time of day for anyone who hasn't been tapped directly from the trunk of a tree (which sounds horrific) and blueberry…well, we don't talk about blueberry. (Are you a syrup or a jam or a pie filling?) (Choose one and commit!)

A taste of what’s on the menu:

Crack treated seriously, Diners, puns no one asked for, the interpersonal relationship dynamics, social hierarchy, and belief systems of diner condiments, natural and artificial flavors, (may contain nuts)

hot and ready at AO3

Shout outs to crack royalty @caitybug for running the fest and @facewithoutheart for the beta! 🍯🥞🧈

[palimpsessed]

Author Self-Rec

Thanks for tagging me in for this @bazzybelle @facewithoutheart @bookish-bogwitch @nightimedreamersworld @tea-brigade and @sillyunicorn

post your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers

I have 10 fics so I guess I’m recommending half of them 😂 . Which means none of these will be surprising because I’m sure you’ve all heard me talk them to death by now.

1. Slings And Eros (M, 95k and counting)

I couldn’t make this list without this fic. It’s a beast, but it’s my baby. It’s my longest by a wide margin, which probably feels intimidating to potential readers, but I still hope people give it a chance because I just feel all kinds of ways about this one. It’s on the surface an Eros and Psyche Greek myth au but it’s also barely that at all and does not require knowledge of the original or of mythology. It follows star-crossed god Simon and human Baz as they work with Penelope to save Baz from the wrath of Simon’s father. In the midst of that, it explores prophecy, destiny, morality, accountability, identity, and all the ways we can love. And it also weaves in as many themes/characters from the books as possible ofc. I look forward to the day this one is complete and I can read it through and hopefully still love it.

2. A Man of Letters (T, 54k)

I’ve easily read this fic more than any other (mine or anyone else’s). It was so much fun using the unsent-letters-cum-diary format to construct the narrative and I think this ended up being a super successful way to write it. Baz gets to live that Beau Brummell life and Simon gets to play with swords. There is trauma, class anxiety, miscommunication, and oodles of romantic tension. Also! Lady Ruth! Who, I dare say I did a pretty bang up job of characterizing pre-awtwb. (You didn’t hear it from me, but Lady Ruth may do a bit of Plotting™️ of her own...🤫 )

3. Chamber by Chamber (E, 19k)

My most kudosed fic now apparently. Maybe I should just rec the series it’s in. There are three fics that do all build together, but they can stand on their own, depending how deep you want to go. This fic was my way of having Simon and Baz finally fully accept the monstrous in themselves by giving that to each other, using Simon’s WS quote as a kind of outline. I termed it therapeutic smut, which is accurate, while also being very kinky—but look at who we’re dealing with. It was also an excuse for me to write all the tail sex. Fully (and very explicitly 😅) illustrated with a banging playlist.

4. I Can’t Believe He’s Not Butter (T, 5k)

Yes it’s crack, but I still really love this fic. Also, most of my fics are chaptered and 10k+ so this could offer some nice entry level commitment. Do you yearn for sensual scenes of butter spreading? An oversaturation of saucy puns about sauces? Poetic musings from the syrup caddy at table six? Have a need to see the only appropriate use of the word “nubbin”? This is the fic for you! I truly had no idea how much worldbuilding I was going to do for this one. Did I need to explore the interpersonal relationships and social/power dynamics of diner condiments? Well actually yes, yes I did. I hope pancake syrup!Baz and margarine!Simon are very happy together in their blue plate special life.

5. To the Manor Borne (T, 43k)

My COC entry from 2020, using each day’s prompt to write another chapter; the plot is intentionally loose at best, so the chapters are pretty standalone if you wanted to do this one in shorter installments. The ws-era gang spends the Christmas holidays at Pitch manor doing dead spot research, arts and crafts, caroling, canoodling, and introspection. Shepard teaches Baz, Penny, and Agatha how to tie their shoelaces the Normal way. Simon is back in therapy and trying to convince Baz to go to, too. Penny is doing work on her dad’s team. Agatha doesn’t know why she’s there, but she’ll figure it out. Snowbaz exchange gifts, have touching moments in the rain, go flying, and are just generally nauseatingly adorable.

And that’s it! If you read to here, hi, thank you, and if you’ve not done this yourself, consider this your official tag. Also tagging in five people: @bloodiedpixie @starwarned @skeedelvee @prettylightsbigcity @otherpeoplesheartachept-2

[palimpsessed]

Queueing this before going to sleep and the lovely @martsonmars was fast enough on the draw to have tagged me. Thank you! ☺️

Going to share again from my two latest fics, I Can’t Believe He’s Not Butter, my crackfest one shot, and Slings and Eros, my epic of an epic.

First up, a dose of 100% pure, organic, grade a puns from Baz, a pancake syrup who is none of those things.

Baz:

Of course, there's no need to even mention the ketchups.

What is there to say? They seldom get to spend quality time together, but the long distance hasn't affected their commitment. (I suppose they're good at catching up.) I wouldn't even mind that much if they weren't so showy about it. We all know they're married. Do they have to renew their vows every single night? For hours, they'll balance on the tables or on the Counter, tops kissing, not caring who sees. (They're just so full of themselves.)

It’s okay, Baz. You can admit it, you’re jealous.

And another peek at SAE Chapter 18, which I’m still chipping away at. (Blame Baz, he was being exceedingly fussy this week.) Under the cut for length.

Penelope:

I move on. Sometimes the only way to win an argument with Simon is to stop arguing. "I'll handle Thespiae. Mortals aren't unaccustomed to me paying visits looking for information. It won't seem out of character for me. And I have contacts I can use if I need to."

Simon’s head snaps up. "What contacts?" He asks, like he's personally offended by the implication I could possibly know other people.

He probably is.

"Oh, you know. The acolytes always hanging about my parents' place, eager to please."

"Oh," he says, still wary, but apparently satisfied by this explanation.

"And I suppose I'll stay put," Baz mutters, making no effort to mask his displeasure with this.

"And pout," I add.

He gives me a dirty look, but it's not like I'm wrong.

Then, Baz looks over at Simon and I barely hold back a groan. "Simon won't leave me alone. Not again."

(I have bad news for you, Baz.)

Tagging some people, or simply saying hello. @facewithoutheart @sillyunicorn @bazzybelle @takitalks @mostlymaudlin @johnwgrey @stillmadaboutpetra @moodandmist @gekkoinapeartree @bookish-bogwitch @urban-sith @im-gettingby @tea-brigade @ivelovedhimthroughworse @unseelieseelie @aristocratic-otter @artsyunderstudy @excalisbury @stardustasincocaine

[palimpsessed]

I made this draft yesterday and then just never came back on to actually post it. So here it is today. Thanks to all the people who tagged me. I’ll tag you all back for Sunday because I always like to see your words. @aristocratic-otter @bazzybelle @mostlymaudlin @bookish-bogwitch @facewithoutheart @stardustasincocaine @johnwgrey @urban-sith @martsonmars

I have two fics I’ve been working on, my crack fest fic and ofc Slings and Eros. I’m moving along on Chapter 18 of SAE and hope to have it posted later this week. Maybe? Assuming I can manage to stay awake long enough after work to write.

I’ve already shared a bunch of my crack fest fic, but what’s a little more? This will be my last chance to tease it before posting anyway.

ICBHNB:

“Is this allowed?” The man goes on. He leans forward, looking over his right and then his left shoulder. He’s clearly trying not to laugh, but I don’t get the joke.

Maggie waves him off, pouring coffee from a brown-handled glass carafe into a heavy white ceramic mug with a navy blue stripe around the rim. “Everyone’s allowed a vice, and that’s a cheap one.”

Cheap? The treatment I’m forced to endure.

The man smiles broadly, white teeth bright against the gloomy backdrop of fogged up, rain-streaked windows. It was storming heavily most of the night, and now that a dishwater dawn has broken, it's still raining, just less oppressively. The diner must shine like a beacon to passersby—if anyone were mad enough to be out in this weather.

I suppose the man at the Counter must be mad enough. He's the only one who's come in.

And some from SAE, too.

I suppose I should count myself lucky one of them isn’t being hand fed grapes whilst lying in the other’s lap.

Clearly, I can no longer leave them unsupervised. Just what I always wanted, to play nursemaid to my best friend and his ill-advised, fugitive houseguest.

“If either one of you feels inclined to help me with all the work we’ve still left to do, I’m prepared to hear you out.”