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[coywolffe]

Journal Entry: It’s Been a While

Found m’old journal, it’s been so busy for so long I haven’t really written much- but I think it’s due time I did so, eh? 

It’s been hard for me to think straight with so much going on, and even my heart aches from the brash decisions I’ve made. 

Sab left the clan, and that in turn made me panic, I’d been under enough stress from outside sources, but when she left, I felt as though I had to follow after her- I stepped down from my position as Warlord, and stepped away from the clan. That damn near killed me...I worked so hard to earn my spot, and now it’s all for nothing because of a moment of sheer panic.

This was a few weeks ago, and even so- the desire to return is still there. Many tell me to stand by my decision, while others tell me they want me to come home- Where I want to be, but...There’s a part of me that wonders if they’d be...accepting of my return or if they’d view me as a weakling that couldn’t stand by her decision.

I’ve still got things to focus on in my free time. I’ve begun to form a little band of folk, Sab suggested the name Steelfist because of my arm- I think the name sounds alright, it’s a strong enough name, and folk seem to like it enough- We’ve even started makin’ an impression--Someone hired us for an interesting contract that would require more than what my lot has at the moment....but who knows what would happen between now and then.

That said...The call to return to Stormblade clan is as strong as ever. I know I would have to work to earn my place as Warlord--if that’s even possible, but ancestors know I’d work for something I believe in...and part of me believes the Clan needs me - That said, I couldn’t abandon Steelfist at this point, not with so much going on. Perhaps I can figure out a way...

I’m concerned about Sab and how she may take my actions, I’ll need to speak with her before I make any real decisions, but I know she just wants me where I’ll be happiest. Though, at this point I’m happiest at her side- Age is startin’ to get to me I think. I don’t want to fight near as much and I want to be with my mate more often than not- I just hope she doesn’t get sick of me, Hah.

I’ve got a lot going on and some decisions to make. Let’s just hope I can make the right one, Eh?

[coywolffe]

Journal # 8 Family

I say this in almost every damn journal I write but...Ancestors. I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I’ve been in an almost constant state of exhaustion and frustration since those nightmares started wrackin’ my brain. I wish the past would stay behind me for once, ‘cause this is startin’ to effect my mentality.

What’s troublin’ me is that my desire to fight has dropped to almost a non-existent level- I’d rather fill out paperwork and trade contracts with some of the local boards instead of spar, I suppose this is where the most recent trouble has begun to brew.

In the last several months I’ve gone from bein’ a lone wolf, with no family, to havin’ Brothers in Tyliron and Rulo’Fon, a mother of sorts in Hakita, a lover in Sabriel, and a sister in Xuin..

Xuin...Ancestors I don’t understand Pandaren and this is makin’ me incredibly frustrated- As it would appear, the original host of th’ body I now inhabit had a younger sister, this sister found me, and became enraged that I was in this form- Her sister has to of been in a coma for a while before I got this body, so the spirit’s been long gone. The first interaction with this pup is her tryin’ to strangle me- normally I would’ve put her in her place, smacked her down and told ‘er to get lost but...For some reason I just stood there lettin’ this kid try to take me out, I even gave her enough coin to get her food, shelter, and better gear--But as it stands, she’s technically blood, and therefore I’m in charge of keepin’ her safe. Bah..That just makes me feel worse ‘bout last night. 

Hakita challenged me to another fight, I had initially refused, until Nagorag challenged me, Hakita took offense, and stormed off, meanin’ I went after her and accepted her challenge, I lost--miserably, Given the last time we fought I ended up gettin’ her good with an axe to the side I held back a bit more than I should’ve and ended up layin’ flat on my back, she ended up givin’ me the good ol’ boot to the face and broke my snout, damn thing is still bent outta shape despite bein’ healed, which is fine- I don’t really care ‘bout a bit of a bent snout. 

No matter how much’s changed with me, I still hate losin’ and bein’ healed, so I was already in a foul mood, that’s when Rulo tried lecturin’ me about how not all the horde is bloodthirsty orcs and orc-hearted folk like myself, tie that in with Xuin tryin’ to lecture me on how I’m treatin’ her sister’s body and I snapped. I...Backhanded the pup pretty damn hard- knocked her to the ground- That’d be the second sibling I’ve harmed this past week. Tyliron bein’ the first.

Tyliron doesn’t like my choices, or my decisions- he tried tellin’ me what to do and what I was doin’ wrong- sayin’ that I was easily manipulated and that folk were usin’ me for their own personal gain. I snapped, grabbed ‘im by the neck and bashed him against the wall a few times...Then dug my claws ‘cross his face. He hasn’t been takin’ visitors since then, I only hope he ain’t...dead or somethin’.

Then there’s the Andowynn thing...Damn woman didn’t follow protocol and a damned Ebon Knight broke in and tried to kill her- I got the information and then I killed ‘im despite Ando’s wishes to turn him back over to the Ebon Blade...Bah...Had to lock the damn woman up in the infirmary so she wouldn’t go gettin’ herself killed. She too has stopped takin’ visitors--Must be an Elf thing.

If I could figure out what was wrong with me I’d fix it, but it’s like the fight ain’t in me unless someone pushes me there, which isn’t good, I’m Warlord, a leader, and folk look up to me, and with all the new blood in the camp, I can’t falter now, I suppose I should be countin’ my lucky stars that the Boss’ pet isn’t roamin’ around, he’s make things so much worse.

Sindonia-A new forsaken in the clan has offered to help me and Xuin communicate with Tsurin--the original body holder, and see what ‘er opinion is on the whole ordeal--If she accepts my taking over her body, then that’s gonna be great, if not...Well...I may be draggin’ my old ass outta the ice and figurin’ out a way to be put back into it. The amount of problems I see with that is mountin’ high...Rega would be angry with me, I’d be angry at bein’ in my old body given that it’s charred, and missin’ most limbs, and honestly...I’ve gotten used to bein’ a Pandaren, I’m faster, and more put together.

Speakin’ of Rega...I’m worried ‘bout her, she seems to be feelin’ a bit better from the other night, but I can see it in her eyes that she’s still upset, she’s been a bit more reclusive too. I know she knows I’m there for support, but she’s more stubborn than I am ‘bout gettin’ help for that kinda thing.

I dunno anymore- I’m frustrated, tired, and at a loss for what I can do to fix all these damn problems. This time I don’t think a night in some corner of Azeroth is gonna help me. I gotta do something to relight the fire in my heart so I can serve the clan fully.

On the upside, the paints for stainin’ my fur came in yesterday, so I’ll be regainin’ some of my old dyes from my old body, preferably with a bit more blue.

[coywolffe]

Nightmare

“So you failed to to protect everyone again?” The words echoed in the darkness that surrounded Fenrir- her fur bristled as she shook her head. “We’ve been over this! Leave me alone!” She screamed, her ears flattened back against her skull.

“Bah, you’re nothing more than a child, aren’t you? You refuse help and that’s where you fail.” Zoghan’s voice continued to echo around her followed by a bloodcurdling cackle.

“I am not a child!” Fenrir screamed louder. “Go away, leave me alone!” 

“You failed to protect the Chieftan, you’re so filled with fear- and with that you will fail once more!” Zoghan’s voice rang through, chilling the Pandaren to the bone- without a second thought she fled, the darkness never seeming to end as she fell to her knees, staring at her hands, gripping the ground beneath her, panting heavily. 

A low, familiar laugh caused the woman to jerk up, red and blue meeting with feral, amber eyes, a black-furred Worgen, garbed in dark robes wearing a wicked grin plastered across his muzzle stared down at her. “N-no...” She whispered, terror filled her as she turned, trying to flee once more.

 She felt as though she were running through mud as she fell to the ground once more. In an instant flames surrounded her, her eyes went wide with terror as she was met once more with sharp, grinning fangs flames licking at her pelt as she let out a terrified scream swinging her claws wildly, trying to escape.

--------

With a soft snarl Fenrir sat up, her body trembled and shook- sweat clung beneath the fur as she knocked the furs off of her- she still felt those flames lick and burn at her skin as she hugged herself. Rubbing her arms for a moment she rose from the bed, padded feet quietly moving across the stone floor of the cave she called home- She glanced back at her mate that continued to sleep. She couldn’t help but smile at the sight, knowing full well sleep did not come easily to Sabriel, grateful that she had not woken the woman. 

With a shaky huff she moved outside of the small cave, hugging herself tightly as she sat- dangling her legs over the edge as she spoke softly to herself. “Ancestors I haven’t had one that bad in ages.” She closed her eyes as a cool breeze moved through her fur- she shivered and hugged herself tighter as she let out a deep sigh. “Bah...I gotta keep it together. Was just a stupid dream, that’s all.” She reassured herself. 

“C’mon Fen. You’re stronger than this, don’t let some ol’ Warlock and the past break ya, not now when folk are needin’ your guidance.” She spoke firmly to herself as she shook her head, opening her eyes as she gazed up at the skies above- focusing on the sound of the night that surrounded her as she took a few calming breaths, forcing herself to relax.

The sun had begun to creep upon the horizon when the Pandaren dozed back to sleep, there on the cliffside.