Very messy WIP of my John Hartnell reconstruction🫶 Based off an incredible photo from his exhumation (in 1986) that always makes me stop and stare for a while.
It’s a phenomenal photo, sharp and clear as if it were literally just snapped today. The contrast between the digital wristwatches, vinyl gloves, sterile sheets, and a young man who died 140 years ago is so startling yet poignant and sweet. It floored me the first time I saw it. Two worlds over a century apart practically nose to nose.
Hey, I just wanted to thank you for posting that youtube link to the Buried in Ice documentary a couple years ago, I've been looking for where to watch it for upwards of a week now before I realized someone on tumblr would probably have it.
You're welcome! I'm always glad to help a Franklinhead out, and this is where I took screencaps of John Hartnell's Dorset button!
For everyone else: here's the link. It's the highest quality version of the PBS NOVA documentary "Buried in Ice" that I'm aware of online.
Ice Mummies Ranked by How Well You Could Take Them in a Fight
I decided to use my academic interest in non-anthropogenic mummies—specifically ice mummies—to definitely rank each special case study in ice mummy-ology (cryomumiology?) based on the chance that you, my beloved reader, could take them in a fight. This exercise is based on the imagined scenario that each mummy has been brought back to tenuous life or animation and has overcome their causes of death to fight you back.
Notes: I haven't included any images of the mummies on the basis that some of them are nightmare-inspiring. Please use caution when looking them up to size them up for your inevitable battle. Also, ice mummies in this definition include both mummies found in glacial or permafrost conditions, but also mummies preserved by extreme cold.
(Special shout-out to @hollowtones for making posts about strong as fuck ice mummies and inspiring this whole thought exercise in the first place.)
Ötzi the Iceman - 5/10
You may possibly have a height advantage on the Ur-Iceman, Ötzi—he was only 5'3" (1.6m). However, Ötzi has a few advantages on you. Do you have razor-sharp lithic tools? If you do, do you know how to use them as well as a Chalcolithic human? Not only that, but Ötzi's got physical prowess and hunting instincts. Judging by his several dozen tattoos, he can also handle pain pretty damn well. You have a solid 50/50 shot at taking him down, but he's not going to go quietly.
Suggested tactic: Lure him in with the sweet, sweet promise of delicious cheeses and butters. He's lactose intolerant, so when he's doubled over and suffering, take him out right then and there. Aim for the joints since he's starting to show signs of arthritis. It won't be a clean fight, but mummy fights rarely are.
John Torrington - 3/10
You might have a height advantage against this whippersnapper, as he's roughly 5'4" (1.6 m again). However, he's young (19 or 20), relatively healthy aside from absolutely trashed lungs, and he's from Manchester. He's been spoiling for a fight since birth, and since he's a stoker, he's no stranger to physical labor. He'll also throw you off with his pretty boy looks—but make no mistake, he'll fuck you up.
Suggested tactic: Wait for him to wear himself out until he's a wheezing mess, then use that low center of gravity and knock him down. Or grab him by that Jacob Marley chin tie of his and fight dirty.
John Hartnell - 9/10
For once, he might have a height advantage on you, as this 25-year-old Kent-born sailor is a whopping 5'11" (1.8m). However, this sallow, willowy man was born with glass bones and paper skin, so it won't be hard to use his inherent weaknesses against him. He's fighting at a disadvantage with a sprained ankle, compressed lumbar vertebrae, necrotic right wrist bone, and lungs so shot to hell that it's a wonder he still has them (granted, his lungs are somewhere vaguely in the region of his stomach after a messy autopsy). It's more than likely you'll win, but the emotional toll of fighting this ailing man might be too much to handle.
Suggested tactic: Aim for one of his multitude of weak spots (ankle, shoulder, neck, chest, or messy Y-incision), or insult his mother. There's also a strong chance he's missing his left eye, so work that blind spot to your advantage. He's also not wearing pants, so make fun of him until he's emotionally-devastated.
William Braine - 2/10
Virtually no chance of victory against this guy. A 32-year-old Royal Marine, he's had plenty of experience training for this exact moment, and he's not going to let you win. He's also a towering Victorian height of 6'0" (1.82 m). Braine's had it rough in life and death and is also pantsless, but this Somerset native isn't letting that get to him.
Suggested tactic: He has a malformed spine from an advanced case of tuberculosis, so use that to your advantage. Other than that, just hope and pray for the best.
Kwäday Dän Ts’ìnchi - 1/10
It's not likely you'll actually be fighting Kwäday Dän Ts’ìnchi since he's since been cremated by his descendants, but on the freak chance he comes back for a fight, you're fucked. Coming in at 5'9" (1.75 m) and in his prime at 18 years old, Kwäday Dän Ts’ìnchi has a few good advantages on you. If you're fighting in his territory in Tatshenshini-Alsek Park in British Columbia, he can probably use the local terrain to his advantage, and did I mention he has a knife? He's also been on a protein-heavy diet of marine meat and caribou, so he's physically ready to put you in the ground instead of him.
Suggested tactic: Run for your life.
Siberian Ice Maiden/Altai Lady/Princess of Ukok - 3/10
Not very likely. She's young, she's in fairly good shape, and she's badass. This tattooed 25 to 30-year-old Pazyryk lady stands in at 5'4" (1.6m) but her presence is about twice that height. She's well-regarded in her culture, so even though she's dealing with some chronic pain, she has a whole team of people more than likely at her beck and call to do you in while she does something more important than dealing with you. She also has the advantage of grave goods, and might use her headdress and mirror to distract you long enough to kick your ass. Also, the presence of antlers in her group's grave material means she has access to plenty of pointy objects.
Suggested tactic: She was buried with cannabis, so maybe wait for her to get stoned before trying anything.
Children of Llullaillaco - 6/10
You can take these Andean kids on individually, sure—but would you? The youngest is only four or five, you monster. To make it a fair fight, take on the trio while we all make fun of you for fighting a group of kids. Granted, your chances of winning go down significantly if all three are present, as teeny-tiny El niño and La niña del rayo will distract you while teenage La doncella shoves you off the side of the mountain. Also, La niña del rayo was struck by lightning after death, so there's probably nothing you can do that can phase her.
Suggested tactic: Do you really need me to give you tactics to fight some kids? I hope they win, tbh.
George Mallory - 2/10
The Crown Prince of the Everest Ice Mummies, George won't let you take his title so easily. It took a mountain to bring this man down, and even then, he still kind of won. George has ice picks and axes on hand, and judging by the shockingly enormous amount of photographs of this man parading around completely naked, he's in the best shape of his life. Now, granted, he's had some bones broken since his fall, but I doubt he's going to let that worry him, old chap. He also might hypnotize you with his aforementioned naked ass.
Suggested tactic: Do not look at the ass. The ass is the way to your destruction. Focus on his shattered bones and bruised ribs, or try to get him to fall off the mountain again.
