#ice-crushed

[schaaloser]

The scent of your cigarette smoke stains my clothes

Your puffs are my labored breathing

Igniting sparks seems to be your area of expertise

Would you light my candle? Mimi asks.

I turn into her as I gaze at you.

Taunting, whispering eyes speaking volumes

I left with my heart in flutters.

[schaaloser]

just putting this out there I don't know where it'll stop or end and it doesn't really matter but I just miss the easy-goingness we had everything seemed to fall into place or at least I made it out that way I like romance I don't think it puts on airs as many viewed it to be I like romanticizing things and seeing them through rose-colored lenses Naive at best Cynical at worst? Maybe cynical at best too. I don't think it was love. Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes I think I don't. Its hard. Evolutionarily speaking, I should be trying to forget it and move on I don't know what I'm doing Am I grieving you or am I escaping the sadness? Its hard to figure out because you were my maze buddy You'd help me find my way out of the labyrinths I've built for myself Thank you and you suck and you weren't supposed to be the one who left but it works out fine okay is a relative state its okay Did you break me? I wish you broke me. Maybe you did but I think I need someone else to break me more. Goodbye as of today I am resolved to let go and maybe for the first time I'm truly letting you go

[schaaloser]

Loving someone is watching them leave

Hearing footsteps as you grieve

You used to let me walk in front

Thinking I could take the full brunt

Remembering how we were so naive

Pain that I don't want to relieve

Sadness that seems to reprieve

Emotions I don't want to blunt

I keep watching you leave

Your bliss wasn't something I wanted to thieve

But I didn't want an ace up my sleeve

How do you salvage an affront

When you don't want to confront

Lost, not knowing how to retrieve

Because I keep watching you leave

[schaaloser]

Cathy, I'm tired.

Cathy, I’m tired. I’m tired of always looking for a fight. Because I’m terrified of being caught off guard by you and suddenly finding myself flanked.

Cathy, I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling as if a was walking barefoot on a floor scattered with glass shards. Because one wrong move would hurt me. I’d bleed and stumble into even more pain as the attacks come relentlessly just because of one careless mistake. Maybe not even careless, just a carefully planned out decision gone wrong.

Cathy, I’m tired. I’m tired of always seeing you. Always blurring them all out at the sight of you. Suddenly locking eyes with when I’m just standing in line or in mid-laugh. There’s just about 3 inches of wood between us and there’s a glass panel to see you with.

Cathy, please, I am so tired of feeling this way. I care about you enough not to swoop in on her. I love you enough not to take advantage of the moment. But you see, she’s dear to me too and I’d hate to see her hurting. Or you in pain or just feeling down for that matter. I’d rather not see it and believe otherwise but you’re too near for my own comfort.

Cathy I know I should let you go and I actually firmly believed in that. Until now.

History should not repeat itself so I won’t tell you. At least not yet. The plan will come someday and you’ll know this someday but by that time I hope we’ll both be happy already. With other people. Every time I lose you ends up putting me deeper in than when I started so I don’t want to gain anything from you again. I barely managed. A fourth would be too much pain than I may be able to hide.

A message to both of us: Stop self-destructing.

[schaaloser]

Sometimes when you write I can't help but think of me. Us. Our situation. 'She took something from me' and yeah thats me, I think. 'I watched her suffer and I laughed' yeah, I remember me again. I also remember how I may never understand what exactly it was you lost and in my finding it and taking it away from you, I lost an essential part of me too. You. Just like a bad dream, I remember how the events spun out. How it hurt and how it felt to lose something you needed to hang on to. I remember how I was lost and how much I wanted you to find me. And I remember how you found me too late. How I was already starting to become someone else when you did. Making me remember that frail, weak self I resolved to change. I want to make the rules even when to you it seems as if the rules don't apply But they should. I know they could. Your smiles won't faze me. I think. Maybe if you've read that letter. Maybe. Maybe I just am still quite stuck in the past I just read how one of my favorite songs about you is about dancing with a corpse. Maybe thats what I am doing. I'm dancing with the corpse of the memory I have of you. Maybe this is just how things will be and feelings fade don't they? In a couple of months you'll be gone from my life. I can almost swear on it. I can't come back to you, you see. I don't think I'll manage a third grand turn-around due to your whims. I'll let you go and you'll let me. Twins, twin souls or what-not, other halfs or soul-sucking entities of each other will just have to wait. Wait and see.

[schaaloser]

Why do I get the need to shit everytime I have all these feelings? Is it my body desperately trying to dump them all away?

[schaaloser]

Maybe I read into it too much but could I be your other half? still your other half like a couple of star crossed lovers that just won't get their happy ending or maybe we're just twins that can't love each other romantically because it would be weird because it would be wrong because it would cause problems but twincest isn't just cut out for us right even though right and wrong seem to have their lines blurred when its you and me I still love you though as a yin complements a yang and as a sister loves another you're family. My family. More than most. For Cathy. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- its pathetic but its frustrating and its sad. I miss you. Kinda. Maybe just a little bit or at least the memory of you. I miss the memory of you. The happy,easy-going feeling as if I was a cloud or a ray of sunshine and I made you happy as much as you made me but I guess you're happier now with someone else who can give you what you learned to crave. I'm not sure if you changed or I was stopping you from being real Maybe a little bit of both. I'm reading Horimiya though and yeah I miss the memory of you. For E. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi. I'm a freak. and I don't mean it in a storybook or novel kind of way I'm weird and annoying frustrating and yes I am delightful I'm a regular Jughead Jones in a Betty Cooper kind of body and you're the opposite We are the good examples to the definition of how the exterior doessn't match the interior Maybe just a little though. You with your RBF and your dark thoughts but your heart overflowing with love and kindness for me and a lot of people and me with my bright smiles that attract the wrong kind of people or the right kind in the long run who make people like you fall in love with me when I just can't make myself feel the same when it matters life sucks that way love sucks that way. I think I may love you in another time in another setting when I discover that I need your support and considerateness your sweetness and thoughtfulness see I have discovered that its only when you love someone that you do those kind of things that will make a person feel so infinitely happy in that small window (making me wonder if My Moses did indeed love me - fall in love with me before and if so why not now? Is it because of Jamie? and if the answer's yes then gods he's still fucking up my life 'til now and that makes two.) life what a turnaround and I'm not even halfway through it at least I think not I hope not? I don't know. Will you stick around long enough to find out with me? For my Feline Goddess.

[schaaloser]

i mean sometimes it sucks something as simple as not being greeted on your birthday not having the doors opened for you when you're in crutches not beeing given leeway when you literally just woke up sometimes it just sucks not talking about things because you feel as if it would get messed up even more not wanting to see someone you use to have great feelings about moving on without you not wanting to finish that letter because closure means finality and ending things never played out easy for you sometimes life just sucks as i miss you and your damn voice in my head my god you were just typing out words on a screen but I heard you. I could hear you and feel you with me even though you're miles away and all I can see are letters on a screen and I loved it and I wanted it I cherished our time when everything seemed easy and wonderful and perfect to me You were perfect for me until you weren't.