36: “I don’t want to be alone right now.” for ichiruki. I love how you write them ❤
“I don’t think you should be alone right now,” Renji says. Ichigo ignores him. Renji tries again. “Really though, is there someone I can call?”
“Sure, if you’ve got the number for the afterlife.” Ichigo’s voice is bitter like black coffee. His gaze cuts to Renji, and their eyes meet. Renji takes an involuntary step back. Ichigo’s eyes are lifeless, but there’s a bristling rage seething in their depths. “I’m fine Renji, I’m not going to do anything stupid. It’s not like I don’t know what happens to shinigami when they die.”
“I know what you’re doing,” Ichigo says, and gets up from the table to pace. “Stop it. I don’t need your fucking sympathy or your surveillance.”
“Ichigo,” Renji tries another tactic. “Look, I’m just trying to help, okay?”
“You can’t help,” Ichigo says, ceasing his pacing when he is standing right in front of Renji. “You can’t help, so stop fucking trying. Nothing fucking helps, okay? She’s gone, I’m still here, and yeah, you know what?” Ichigo leans right up into Renji’s face, eyes glittering and empty. Renji backs up until his back hits the wall. “Maybe I shouldn’t be alone, but if I’m gonna fucking off myself, I could have done it already, even with you here.”
Renji takes a deep breath. Ichigo waits him out, staring at him, unblinking. “I still don’t think I should leave you here alone, but if you want me to go, I’ll go.”
Ichigo deflates. He looks down and away from Renji, before returning to his chair at the table. Renji takes a step towards him and Ichigo looks up. This time, Renji’s breath gets caught in his throat. The mood has shifted, and the despair in Ichigo’s gaze is something Renji will never reconcile with the image of the boy that he has in his head.
“She’s gone,” Ichigo says, as if he’s just realized it now.
“Yeah,” Renji says, sitting down on the other side of the table. “She is.”
Ichigo scrubs his hands over his face, and then through his hair. Before pressing his palms against the surface of the table. There’s a pause before he speaks, and Renji itches to fill it, but holds his tongue while Ichigo summons up whatever he wants to say. “I’m gonna– I’m gonna go to bed,” Ichigo says finally, and Renji nods.
Ichigo stands, and Renji stands with him. “Call me in the morning, okay?” Renji says, and reaches out, dropping his hand on Ichigo’s shoulder as the younger man shuffles past on his way out of the kitchen.
Before Ichigo goes through the door, he turns back to look at Renji. “I miss her,” he says, voice choked.
“Me too,” Renji says, and watches Ichigo climb the stairs, as if each step is Everest itself.
Renji lets himself out of the house, locking the door behind him. Once he’s outside, he looks up at the moon, hanging high and silver in the sky, and then he turns back to the house, watching it for a brief moment, before stepping into shunpo and disappearing.
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