spending centuries with ten other immortal beings never taught you how to be alone. their presence was a background noise to help you stay grounded until suddenly, you were swamped in silence as the group separated.
while the others searched for deeper meaning amongst the humans, you searched for a distraction.
for a while, you were content to travel the world. the sights kept you busy and moving until you were too tired one night and stayed the night in a simple village somewhere near athens.
you decided to watch the humans from a distance that night as they celebrated loudly. the way they all laughed as they danced and how they shared warm embraces freely caused a small pang of jealousy within you. before you could stop yourself, you had joined them.
soon, humans were your new distraction.
it was simple enough to catch their attention. from there you would smile sweetly and let your eyes linger until the human would inevitably break eye contact, hands fumbling and face heating up as they get flustered over the smallest things. humans were cute like that.
tragically, they all fell into the same pattern.
you would find a new target, feign an interest for a few weeks, and then have them wrapped around your finger before carrying on. some part of yourself knew that if your fellow eternals could see you now, they would probably chastise you. ajak would tell you to leave the humans alone, sersi would tell you to be merciful with their feelings. druig might even offhandedly comment about how you’re wasting your time on humans that will live for only a small fraction of your life. and if they were there, you might’ve listened. but they weren’t.
time passed and your game evolved slightly into just hookups with various kings and soldiers and celebrities. by 1953, you had almost run out of ideas to stay entertained. until you woke up in the middle of the night to a loud banging at your door.
stumbling sleepily throughout your house, you instinctively grab a knife from the kitchen before swinging the front door open with no hesitation. you were seconds from threatening to remove every finger off the person’s hand when you take note of who is standing at your door.
“ikaris?”
he smiles at you and fiddles with his hat as he says your name in greeting.
ikaris still looks exactly as you remember him, aside from his lack of armor. now, he’s dressed in a deep navy suit, his sports coat folded over his arm neatly. his loafers are shiny and he shuffles as he looks around at the houses in your neighborhood.
blinking, you apologize before stepping back, “come in, let me take your jacket. if i would’ve known you were coming, i would’ve cleaned up around here.”
you both know that’s a lie, but he doesn’t call your bluff as he thanks you and steps into your home.
that night, you sat next to him on the couch and talked for hours. the sun rose without either of you noticing. you learned about everything he had been doing and you told him of all of your adventures while skipping over your distractions.
when you finally noticed the grumbling of your stomach, you offered to make him a meal. he accepted and it was while you were quietly cooking pancakes, that you finally asked the question that had been lurking in the back of your mind.
“so… where’s sersi?”
you pretend to busy yourself with filling his glass with coffee, but you notice the way his jaw ticks and how his shoulders stiffen at the mention of her name. this intrigues you slightly considering how often you had to watch them put on some lovesick display in front of all the eternals.
when he lowly mumbles that they broke up thirty years ago, you know better than to press for more details. you simply rest your hand on his shoulder comfortingly before pulling away to continue to cook.
his eyes lingered on you for the rest of breakfast and it was making you restless. the conversation felt much more one sided now that he was just observing you with occasional hummed responses.
when you picked up the plates and brought them to the sink to be washed, that’s when he finally spoke up.
his breath was warm on the back of your neck and his stealth in getting up from his chair to stand behind you would’ve scared you if you hadn’t spent so long around him. the feeling of his fingers ghosting from your wrist up to your shoulder causes goosebumps to race across your skin.
“i think i have an idea that we both might enjoy.”
in the beginning of the arrangement, it was pretty simple. you were roommates with benefits. ikaris picked up some chores around your house and he moved into the guest room, but spent most nights in your bed.
but as time progressed, it started to evolve from that. his touch would linger innocently along your fingertips when you would bring him to help shop for groceries. he would press a quick kiss to your lips anytime you were leaving the house. on the rare occasion that you called the landline from a payphone, ikaris would end the call with words that were too caring to be just friendly.
“be careful, i don’t think i would make it around here without you.”
“hurry home, i made your favorite for dinner and i wanted to play that board game again with you tonight.”
“how much longer till you’ll be here? it doesn’t feel right without you.”
each time you would stutter through a response and quickly hang up, cheeks warm and heart racing. it was an indescribable feeling that you didn’t understand until you saw it reflected in his eyes one night.
you never needed him to confess anything or to label what was happening, you were content with what you had with him. you finally had some background noise again and it was like life felt normal again. when you were alone, it felt like you were tumbling through time blindly and just grappling for anything that would ground you temporarily. being immortal and alone was a tragic feeling.
but with ikaris there, it now felt like time was passing and you were lounging on a boat. the changes around you were merely waves that were soothingly rocking you back and forth. the flashes of attention you received no longer felt like a spotlight and instead sunlight creeping through the branches of a tree.
everything was good until ikaris started hearing rumors about some workers that had been mysteriously killed in alaska. he left you in the middle of the night with a kiss to your forehead and a promise to return soon.
what you weren't expecting was him to bring sersi and sprite back with him along with news of ajak passing away.
it was too much.
your boat was sinking, everything you had built with ikaris was crumbling and rather than him helping you to patch it up, he was following sersi around the home you had spent half a century in.
frowning, you watch him pour a glass of your favorite wine as she begins to plot the next move and how to find the others. his eyes are trained on her lips, he was visibly hanging on every word she spoke.
"i'm sorry, y/n."
blinking in surprise, you turn to sprite. her eyes are studying you closely, watching you with sympathy covering her face. you sniffle and shrug your shoulders, forcing your face into a position of neutrality. turning your focus to your nails so that maybe the sinking feeling in your chest won't be so heavy, you mumble, "sprite, m'fine."
her hand rests on your shoulder and she sighs deeply. you know that back when you were all a group, she had underlying feelings for ikaris that she never acted on. you were never sure if it was because of her appearing young or if it was out of respect for sersi, but you had always pitied her for it. it was weird for the positions to be switched now after so many years.
her voice is soft as she quietly suggests, "maybe you could talk to him? try to figure out what's going through his head? i mean, it's been an overwhelming week."
nodding your head, you bite your lip and hum in agreement.
that night, ikaris offered to help you pack a bag since you would be leaving to go find kingo in the morning. you accepted his help and when you left sprite and sersi in your living room, you caught sprite's eyes and she gave you an encouraging nod.
it was silent for a few moments as ikaris pulled out your favorite shirts and you grabbed your bag from the closet.
you watch him for a moment as he folds them with care and neatly stacks them on the bed that you've shared with him for years. finally, you muster the courage to speak.
"so... you and sersi?"
you cringe at the desperation in your tone and quickly turn to focus on grabbing some socks from a drawer so you won't have to see his face. his sigh is quiet, but it speaks volumes as he breathes your name.
it's too much.
shaking your head, you instantly want out of the conversation as you mumble, "never mind, act like i never said anything."
ikaris grabs your arm to keep you from pacing the room, a habit you had that he always tried to break you from. his voice is low and you can hear in his tone that this isn't going to go well as he asks you to sit on the bed next to him.
the comforter once made you feel safe and bring a smile to your face. now, your knuckles are white as you clutch them desperately, trying to keep yourself grounded. there's a lump in your throat and it feels like you're drowning.
"y/n, i never meant to hurt you. i was lonely and you were too. i'm sorry if you thought this was something more."
there it is.
tears are welling your eyes, but your face remains stoic. your thoughts are so loud and suddenly the background noise is roaring in your ears. what was once reminders of happy times you shared now felt like mocking signs of your naivety. the flowers he had brought you before he left to check on the workers in alaska are dead on your nightstand.
standing, you shake your head and mutter, "i can't do this right now, ikaris."
he rushes to his feet as well, quickly stepping in front of the door and blocking you from leaving. his blue eyes that you would get lost in late at night were wide and you can't read the expression on his face even though you had mapped out every inch of it so many times.
his voice is still hushed, almost like he was embarrassed to be having this conversation as he pleads, "y/n, you can't just leave. that's not fair."
fair.
the word echoes in your brain and it feels like you see red. hands clenching at your side, you level ikaris with a glare and snap at him, "what's not fair is using me for fucking seventy years to pass the time until sersi shows back up. don't talk about fair, ikaris, when you know what you've done."
his shoulders droop at your tone. you step away from him, desperate for some space. folding your arms across your chest, you hold yourself as you suck in a shaky breath. it feels like you see him everywhere you look. you had brought him into your house and then allowed him to make changes as he saw fit. the deep green walls that once felt like a unique choice now felt like a reflection of sersi.
it's too much.
you feel sick to your stomach as you finally look up at him again. tears finally break free as you shakily ask, "did it ever mean anything to you?"
he doesn't meet your eyes. a sob breaks free from your chest, the silence is enough of an answer. falling to your knees, you try to suck in air, but it feels like you can't breathe as sobs wrack your entire body.
you don't bother looking up when you hear the door open and his footsteps trail away.
the silence surrounds you once more. there's no background noises now. in between your sobs, you bitterly think to yourself that maybe you were always better off alone.
Ahhh thank you so much for submitting this to me, I super appreciate it and I definitely have not been watching it on repeat for a stupid amount of time😌😏👀
ajak was always very comforting to be around. her warm nature typically made you relax and feel safe in her presence. but right now, you're not sure anything could make you relax.
you're curled up on your bed currently, listening to the sound of ajak and ikaris quietly whispering in the kitchen as they try to determine what to do.
typically at this time in the morning, you would be in the kitchen as well and making yourself a cup of tea that ikaris would inevitably steal from. typically, you would be sending him a teasing glare as you giggle and make another cup. but you can't bare to leave your room because you don't think you would be able to handle seeing the damage you had caused within the home you share with ikaris.
last night had been a night like every other spent with your best friend. ikaris had made dinner and you did the dishes, peacefully staring out the window as the sun sinks below the horizon. your cottage in scotland is very peaceful for the most part and recently, a few families had begun to adventure closer. any other homes were still a ten minute horse ride down the dirt path towards the nearest town, but it was nice to see people every now and then.
the radio on the counter was playing a quiet, scratchy tune and you smiled at it. it's the 1920s and technology still had a long way to go, but any time there was a new invention, it made you think of phastos so ikaris would go out of his way to bring it into your home.
in the midst of the tune, though, there was a scratch of static that made you gasp. ikaris, returning from the restroom, chuckled at the noise and said something, but it was too late. you weren't present in your mind anymore.
he hasn't told you too many details of what happened, but you saw the flipped dining table and the knife embedded in the wall. before he could usher you into the bedroom, your eyes caught a glimpse of blood staining his shirt and you knew that you caused it.
when the door finally creaks open to reveal ikaris and ajak, you have already made up your mind on what needs to happen.
"y/n, my sweet child," ajak moves to sit on the bed, but you flinch back so she shares a look with ikaris before remaining standing.
"there is no good way to tell you what you already know. you've seen thena live a wonderful life with gilgamesh. the mahd wy'ry isn't as unbearable as we once thought it was."
shakily, you finally make eye contact with her. you see the sympathy in her eyes, but you know that the words she's feeding you are sweetened, cushioned with slight falsities to make you feel better. your eyes cut over to ikaris, his deflated shoulders and watery eyes tell you the truth.
ajak opens her mouth again, but you cut her off before she can change your mind, "i want arishem to erase my memories."
silence.
ikaris is staring at you intently, a pleading look in his eyes with a distraught expression taking over his face, but you avoid looking at him. your eyes are locked on ajak as she sighs deeply, having expected your answer. other than ikaris, she knew you best so your answer didn't come as a shock.
she pauses a moment to think over her words as she carefully informs you, "y/n, if arishem erases your memories, i am not sure what will happen. there is no guarantee that you will be the same person that you are now or that the mahd wy'ry won't return at some point."
nodding your head, you swallow thickly before confirming, "i know. i just refuse to hurt someone i love again."
ikaris steps forward, stopping beside the bed and kneeling to be eye level with you now. tears spring to your eyes at the sight of how lost he looks. his lip is trembling and his jaw is clenched tightly as he begs, "y/n, you didn't hurt me. ajak healed everything and i can fix everything out there. we can go to gilgamesh and he can teach me how to help you manage this. please, there's other ways that won't take you from me."
your chest is hurting and you want nothing more than to go back to sleep with the hope of waking up from this nightmare of a reality. your knuckles are white as you desperately hold onto the comforter below you and your voice cracks as you stare up at ajak, "please, ajak. i'm not as strong as thena to live with this."
she stares into your eyes, looking for any hesitation, before solemnly nodding. placing a comforting hand on ikaris's shoulder, she quietly excuses herself, "i'll give the two you a moment while i tell arishem what must be done."
with that, it's just ikaris and you. it's been this way ever since the eternals separated, but so much has changed in that time. you look at the man in front of you and in any other circumstance, you would happily welcome the swirl of butterflies in your stomach and the racing of your heart.
now, as you know your fate, you smile sadly at him and attempt a feeble joke.
"it's been a couple centuries since i've seen you so quiet."
he doesn't laugh.
he doesn't even bitterly smile like you had expected.
instead, tears finally break free and fall from his eyes as he chokes out, "why?"
you sigh and slowly release the comforter from your grip before holding your arms out to him. he crosses the space quickly and he's in your arms before you can blink. ikaris holds you to his chest tightly, as if maybe his grasp on you will keep you from fading from him.
you simply hold him in return, fighting back tears as his fall on your shoulder. your grip is much more delicate, terrified of breaking him.
"am i not enough of a reason for you to stay?"
had you not been holding him so closely, you wouldn't have heard his whisper. but you did. and it broke your heart.
a sob finally breaks free from your chest and you sink into his arms pitifully. your hands grip his shirt tightly and you shake it as you cry, "ikaris, that's the problem. you're every reason i have to do this."
you know it's unfair to wait for a time like this to finally say everything you've held onto, but it's also the only time you'll have.
pulling back to look into his teary blue eyes, you reach up to wipe his tears as you confess, "i have spent centuries falling deeper in love with you and i refuse to ruin everything we've built together by selfishly holding onto these memories."
he stares at you slack-jawed, his face displaying so many emotions at once. you can hear ajak rustling around in the kitchen and you know time is running out. briefly, you mentally curse arishem and the world and fate and the universe and every god that you've heard of for putting you in this situation.
ikaris licks his lips and begins, "but y/n, i lo-"
shaking your head, you quickly place a finger to his lips to cut him off. your vision is blurry from the tears in your eyes, but you rapidly blink them away as you attempt to burn this moment in your memories that will soon be gone.
smiling shakily, you sigh, "not now. we'll begin again after this. this isn't the end. tell me when i'll be able to remember it."
ikaris shakes his head and falls back on the bed beside you. leaning back beside him, you embrace the moment of brief silence. he nudges you before attempting to joke, "hey, at least i finally get this place to myself for a little while."
you laugh for his sake. turning to face him again, you pray that he won't hate you for this.
"i swear if you turn our house into a bachelor pad while i'm recovering, i'll find some way to remember to beat your ass."
ikaris joins you in laughing this time, but the laughter falls silent when ajak cracks the door open once more. this was it.
you sit up at the same time as ikaris. his arms are around you again before he ruffles your hair. pulling back, he gives you a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes as he affirms, "you'll remember this. i'm sure of it."
"ajak, are you sure you gotta leave?"
her dark hair is braided and it keeps hitting her in the face as she whips around frantically while packing her clothes into a bag.
it had been a regular night between you two last night. south carolina is beautiful at sunset at this time of year. with summer ending and the leaves changing colors, ajak joined you on horseback to join you as you watched the sunset.
from there, you returned home to help her prepare dinner. the television was a pleasant background noise and you smiled to yourself when ajak teased you about the bell-bottom jeans you were wearing.
you were setting the plates on the table and filling your cup with tea as ajak was talking about how odd the 1960s had been so far when the call came.
now, you're watching helplessly as she packs her bags in preparation for her flight to london. she doesn't directly answer any of your questions, but you catch her mumbling about thena and an accident.
the word accident sends chills down your spine and is enough to silence you.
you absent-mindedly touch the back of your head as you spiral in thoughts about your own accident. ajak never told you too much about it. just that about forty years ago, she got a call from one of your friends saying that there had been an accident involving you that caused you to injure your head badly. she arrived in time to save you, but the accident took your memories so you've stayed with her ever since to avoid being alone.
watching her double-check her closet and the clock on the wall, you hope that whoever this thena person is doesn't go through the same thing that you did. despite living eternally and having the opportunity to continually rebuild who you are, there's an ache in your chest any time you consider whatever life you lived before. it hurt to know that you may have left behind someone or something that was once important to you.
stepping forward to help her zip her bag, you finally build the courage to ask the question that's been haunting your thoughts since the call came.
"what am i going to do if i have the dream again and you're not here?"
this finally causes her to slow down and face you.
ajak sighs and takes hold of your hands. you attempt a smile, but you know that she sees right through it.
for the past few months, you've had a reoccurring dream haunt your sleep. each time feels realer than the last as you hold a mystery man who sobs on your shoulder. you wake each time with a racing heart, pit in your stomach, and pain throbbing in your head.
the headaches weren't that bad at first. you would creep down the hall and take a few painkillers with a glass of water before returning to sleep. but then, as the dreams progressed and the image of the man became more in focus, the headaches were unbearable.
you would wake in pain, screaming with tears falling freely until ajak would come rushing to your room. after some time, even her powers weren't enough to completely rid you of the pain. now, she heals you and then you spend the rest of the day locked away in your room with the curtains pulled shut and a cool rag over your eyes.
the thought of bearing that pain alone was terrifying and ajak knew it, but for some reason, she refused to bring you along on the trip. she gave you a vague response about the accident potentially triggering you when you asked.
she stares up at you and notice an uneasiness in her eyes as she quietly begins, "oh, dear, don't worry. i've done some thinking about the headaches and i have someone coming to stay with you while i'm gone. he should be able to help you. if not, he'll call me and i'll come right back."
you furrow your brows, questions filling your mind, but before you can speak, you're cut off by the sound of someone knocking on the front door.
ajak looks over your shoulders and smiles apologetically, "i should've told you sooner, but everything's really rushed right now. please forgive me."
with that, she leaves you standing in her bedroom as she rushes to answer the door.
you take the moment of peace to compose yourself. glancing around ajak's room for a moment, you notice the flowers you had picked for her earlier in the morning still resting on the nightstand. sighing to yourself, you pick them up with the intention of finding a vase to put them in, but you can't resist yourself from tucking one behind your ear.
climbing downstairs, you approach the kitchen, but the sound of quiet whispering catches your attention. the noise buzzes in the back of your brain until you give in to you curiosity and peak around the corner sheepishly.
ajak stands at the entryway with a tall man, but you can't quite see his face. furrowing your brow, you stay tucked behind the wall separating the kitchen from the entryway. his voice is deep and from what you can tell, he seems to have an accent. his posture is tense and he shifts on his feet.
at that moment, his eyes catch yours over the top of ajak's head. you gasp quietly and move to flinch away, but something in the way his blue eyes are locked on you, as if he is scared that you will vanish if he looks away.
ajak is still talking, not noticing his diverted attention as he nods along to whatever she is saying, as you slowly peek out further to get a better angle to observe him.
the man has broad shoulders and you can tell that he is physically strong, which would typically put you on edge despite your powers. but knowing that he had ajak's trust helped keep you at ease along with the softness in his eyes.
after a moment, you notice ajak turning to look up the stairs so you quickly turn and begin looking for the vase that you had originally set out to find. you open a cabinet before letting it shut a little louder than normal to give ajak an idea of where you are.
footsteps trail closer to the kitchen and you quickly adjust your hair before grabbing the vase that you had been looking for. you place the flowers in the vase just as you hear ajak gasp, "there you are, y/n!"
you turn slowly and find the stranger still lingering a bit further back than ajak as she begins introducing you to him. now that he's closer, the buzzing in the back of your mind feels like a low hum and you tilt your head at the thought of this man feeling familiar.
"and y/n, this is ikaris. he's going to be staying with you until i come back."
smiling politely at him, you extend your hand to him and you're pleasantly surprised by how gentle his grip is when he shakes hands with you. he smiles in return, but the smile doesn't quite meet his eyes as he mumbles, "nice to meet you."
furrowing your brow, you hesitantly voice your thoughts, "are you sure this is the first time we've met? you look awfully familiar."
his and ajak's eyes widen in tandem before they share a look that you can't decipher the meaning of. ikaris opens his mouth, but ajak quickly cuts him off, "i think you might be confusing for that kennedy guy that you like."
frowning, you flatly ask, "you mean the president?"
ajak smiles brightly and you don't quite believe it, but you don't want to cause a scene in front of this new person so you just sigh and nod slightly, "i guess i can see some similarities."
with that, ajak gives ikaris a few more instructions before rushing to grab her bags and then within twenty minutes, she's gone and you're left alone with him.
the first few hours pass by unceremoniously with you mostly staying in your room to do some reading before you finally left the room to begin cooking lunch. you stop in your tracks when you're greeted by the sight of ikaris in the kitchen.
when you come closer, you stand on your tiptoes to sneak a glance over his shoulder to see what he's making. he jumps in shock when you gasp excitedly, "you're making muffins?"
he grabs his chest and chuckles at you, rubbing the back of his neck as he shrugs, "yeah, i figured it would be good since they're your favorite and it's been a crazy day."
you nod and laugh, "yeah, i really appreciate it. did ajak tell you about how much i like muffins or was it just a good guess?"
ikaris freezes for a split second before sheepishly laughing, "yeah, uh, ajak told me because she said you were nervous about her leaving. sorry."
shrugging, you pick up a muffin off of the plate and took a bite, humming in contentment at the taste. you nod your thanks at him before returning to your room, still unsure of how to exist near him.
when it comes time for you to watch the sunset again, you find ikaris sitting on the back porch. he stares at the hill where the sun is beginning to sink below the horizon.
the rays of the sun paint him in a golden light. his piercing blue eyes shine and you pause at the sight, the buzzing in your brain returning stronger than before. he hasn’t noticed your presence yet so you shut the door behind you loud enough to make him aware, but not to scare him.
his head swivels to face you and he smiles brightly at you for a moment, until his eyes become clouded with emotions you don’t understand. despite whatever thoughts are flooding his mind, he still greets you warmly, “hello, y/n. i figured you would be coming out here soon.”
you squint your eyes teasingly and arch a brow, “ajak told you about how much i love sunsets?”
he chuckles and winks, “you’re more observant than she’s ever given you credit for.”
something in his words makes you pause, but you feign normalcy as you come to sit beside him. typically, you would be saddling your horse and racing to the top of the hill to have the best view of the sunset. but as you sit on the creaky boards of the back porch with ikaris, the treetops in your line of view that allow slivers of the rays to shine through don’t bother you as much as it typically does.
silence washes over the two of you for a moment, but the buzzing in your brain is too loud so you finally speak.
“i knew you before the accident.”
it’s not a question, but you wait for confirmation. you need to hear reassurance that the fragments of your mind aren’t lying to you. you need to know that the thrumming of your heart and swirling in your stomach isn’t a symptom of whatever may have happened to you.
ikaris doesn’t meet your eyes. he stares at the trees in the distance and swallows harshly before speaking, “we knew each other before the accident.”
nodding your head, you bite back a smile as you take in that information. your thoughts feel clearer now as you sort through them. the cool wind blows through your hair and you can hear on the horses neighing in the distance.
“were we close?”
his voice is tight and his eyes are a stormy blue as he sighs, “y/n, i really shouldn’t be answering-“
“ikaris, please,” you plead with him, “i need to know.”
he still seems hesitant, so you shift to face him instead of the horizon as you compromise, “what if i don’t ask questions and you just tell me about before the accident? it can be anything. i just, i need to know what i’m missing, ikaris.”
this seems to win him over.
you give him time to think as you stare back out at the horizon. the sun has fallen past the treeline now and you know it's only a matter of time until night covers the land like a blanket. you almost ask him if ajak had told him an estimate of how long it will be until she returns, but he speaks before the words can fall from your lips.
"from what ajak tells me, you still like all of the same things and seeing the way you look at sunsets, i know that's true."
a smile crosses your face before you can stop it, but ikaris looks pleased to see it so you don't bother hiding it as you listen intently. the low hum of his voice soothes the buzzing in your head until it's almost silent.
his eyes flash down to your hand and notices the ring that you wear on your third finger. it's a simple silver ring with a small pearl set in the middle. the jewelry causes a smile to cross his face, but it doesn't fully meet his eyes as he mutters, "i can't believe you still wear that thing."
your eyebrows pull up in surprise and you sheepishly cover the ring with your other hand to protect it as you ask, "wait, you know where it came from?"
ikaris nods and shrugs, "i got it for you a couple years before the accident. you had seen it in the window of a small jewelry store and you would stop to stare at it every time we passed. i swear you spent months admiring it. so, for christmas, i got it for you and you were so excited when you opened it that you swore you would never take it off."
the idea of the memory causes your smile to grow bigger. it's reassuring to know that you managed to keep true to a promise that you didn't remember. ikaris chuckles again as he shakes his head to himself.
he tears his eyes away from your face and looks back at the horizon again, "i can also see that you're just as stubborn as before."
your jaw falls and you gently shove his shoulder in the blink of an eye as he chuckles at your reaction.
"it's not a bad thing at all. it was one of my favorite features of yours. how you would always hold true to your beliefs and opinions no matter who you were against. i was always jealous of that confidence."
snorting, you turn your head to hide the warmth in your cheeks as you sigh, "trust me, i'm not confident. that must've been just a before the accident kinda thing."
ikaris shakes his head and he looks firm in his belief as he stares at you, "no, love, i still see it their in your eyes. questioning and doubting yourself is temporary and normal. but your confidence in yourself is part of who you are. you've always known who you are, even if you don't remember it. you have always been love and everything you loved is part of you and that won't change."
silence returns as you let his words simmer in your thoughts. it's endearing to hear such high praises from someone who knows about parts of you that you don't even know.
your voice is soft and you pick at a loose thread on the hem of your shirt as you mutter, "thank you, ikaris."
shrugging a shoulder, he brushes off your gratitude easily, "you deserve to know some of your past."
with that, you both watch the sky fade from a vibrant orange-pink collage to a deep navy color. when the first stars begin to shine, you both return inside and eat a quick meal before heading off to sleep.
you stand in the hallway for a moment and watch as ikaris enters the guest room beside your bedroom. before you can hesitate, you quietly call out, "goodnight, ikaris."
the words catch him off-guard, but he smiles at you gently and nods, "goodnight, y/n."
"you'll remember this. i'm sure of it."
lurching up in your bed, your throat feels sore and you vaguely hear yourself screaming. the world feels too bright and it's causing stabbing pain in your skull, despite the room being pitch black. you thrash around in your bed as you fight to find any form of comfort. the blankets are too warm as a layer of sweat coats your body.
the door bursts open and the noise hurts enough to convince you that you may pass out spontaneously.
suddenly, you feel cold hands holding your face gently and there's a voice quietly reassuring you, "y/n, breathe. please breathe, love. i know it hurts, but you gotta breathe."
you feel the tightness in your chest at the reminder and shakily suck in air before releasing it. the cool feeling of ikaris's hands and the quiet humming of his voice as he guides you through breathing helps alleviate some of the pain that the dream has left behind.
time passes and you have no clue how long it's been, but slowly, the pain submerges to a moderate ache that you can handle. your breathing is more consistent now and your heart is no longer racing in your chest. nodding your head at ikaris in thanks, he slowly releases your face.
he sits back slightly and that's when you noticed that he's been on his knees beside your bed this entire time. wordlessly, you pat the space beside you on the bed.
ikaris hesitates, but he can see the look you shoot him in the dim lighting that lets him know this is non-negotiable. the bed sinks beside you under his weight and causes you to lean towards him, but your aching body is too weak to pull away from him and he says nothing so you rest your head on his shoulder.
in the quiet of the room, you allow yourself to think over the dream. typically, the pain blinds your thoughts and the dream is too intangible and blurred for you to understand or remember. but now, your thoughts are scrambled with a few remnants of it, specifically the end of it.
clearing your throat, you croak out, "ajak told you about the dream?"
your voice is scratchy and you wince at the sound of it, but ikaris doesn't mention it as he nods. you're grateful that he's trying to be mindful of the headache that ajak had warned him about, but you don't need silence in this moment. you need answers.
"i think i remember some of the dream this time."
ikaris still doesn't speak, but you feel him stiffen beside you.
you swallow harshly and the action soothes your throat enough for to quietly whisper, "we were in love, weren't we?"
if you weren't so close to him at the moment, you would have missed the shaky intake of breath or the way you can hear his heart start racing. he sighs and it sounds like he's choking on his words as he simply mutters, "i think so."
nodding your head, the information helps to soothe some of your headache. it feels like some puzzle pieces of scattered memories have been put back together at the confirmation.
you hesitate, but you know you can't stop now so you continue, "you're still in love."
your words weren't a question, but you found yourself waiting with bated breath for his response.
it's silent for a moment before he shakily confesses, "yes, i am."
breathing a small sigh of relief, the ache in your skull feels like a distant memory. the dream plays a little smoother in your mind, albeit with a few pieces still missing. the ring on your finger catches the moonlight and shines a little bit up at you, causing a smile to pull at your lips.
"i think i can relearn to love you, ikaris."
in that moment, you can feel his body release the tension that it had been holding for the entire time he had been in your room. the gasp he let out spoke a thousand words in a language that you distantly recall. the words meant everything to him and you can tell that he had never expected the day that he would hear them would come.
but you're there, staring into his eyes and smiling at him. maybe the look in your eyes isn't what it once was, but you're there and you're telling him that maybe it can be one day. you're there and you know that that's enough for ikaris in this moment.
licking your lips nervously as the silence draws on, you sheepishly whisper, "i think i can give you all of my heart again. it was always yours to have anyway. like you said, everything i loved is part of me and that's never changed."
you can see it so clearly in your mind now. the flickers of the past are meshing with the present and the trembling of his lips is reminiscent of the day of the accident. you're still unsure of what happened, but that doesn't matter as you feel whole again. the look in his eyes tethers you to the earth and it's everything you've been looking for. and this time, you swear to yourself, you will never lose it again.
this time, you will hold onto his hand and never let go of it.
