Congratulations on your milestone! 👏 I'd like to make the following request:
Jean + “In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”
all the ways to say I love you event
Violet! Thank you so much for sending in a request! An amazing one at that <3
genre: fluff, love confession
The vibrant flame of a lone candle flickered on the desk, casting a warm glow on a tower of books and Jean’s features. A frown etched between his brows, he squinted, trying to decipher the words on the pages.
“In…vain…” He whispered, unsure of himself as he read through a sentence.
He didn’t know how long had passed since he’d first entered the mansion’s giant library, but he was nowhere near done with his homework. The moon could frown upon him all she wanted; he wouldn't leave this room until he had read a chapter of this book.
Until he could be sure you’d be proud of him.
His thoughts wandered over to you. To your kind smile and patience. To the soft scent of your hair that he admits to have found solace in a few too many times during your teaching lessons.
He hoped you were asleep.
Jean had tried so hard to isolate himself.
To stay away from people and cage himself in his loneliness, chided in darkness for only his inner demons to see.
A monster to humanity. A disgrace to gods above.
And keeping to himself had never been an issue, so used he was to his own melancholy and loneliness. Confining himself to the walls of his bedroom or the grand arches of the church.
Maybe if he hid away from the world he could hope for redemption.
It hadn’t been easy for you to push your way through the walls he had built around himself, so thick and high they were.
The task had been even more daunting as he had resisted, resisted against anything kind and everything you provoked inside of him.
It had started small, a mere spark of something akin to hope. A flicker of light he had been quick to shush in its bud.
So long he had believed that he deserved nothing. No light, no warm feeling, no tender gestures. None of your smiles.
So long had he convinced himself that nothing should he feel but guilt and self hatred.
But you had persisted, in spite of all the times he had pushed you away. You had insisted on spending time with him and on teaching him how to read and write. On leading him out of the darkness and to the light of knowledge.
You had opened a whole new world to him. Not only through the discovery of words and written letters, but by granting him the door to salvation.
Slowly he had granted himself the right to open up, to think of himself as a flawed man rather than an immortal monster drenched in blood and sins.
A quiet smile curved his lips, his heart softening in his chest at the thought of you.
“In vain… Have… I struggled?” He continued, reading aloud to himself to try and get the grasp of the words on his tongue. The more he practiced the more natural they came.
He hoped to be able to read poems aloud for you, one day.
He stiffened, dark eyes coming up in a haste to fall on your surprised features.
There you stood in the doorway of the library, clothed in your nightgown and drenched in silver moonlight.
“Mademoiselle.” He answered, quietly.
“What are you doing so late at night?” You asked, walking up to him, concern laced in your gaze. Your eyes fell on the Jane Austen novel in his hands.
“I could ask you the very same thing.” He said, voice soft. “Is everything alright?”
You offered him a smile, “Yes, excuse me for worrying you, I couldn’t sleep and thought I might as well read something.”
He stood up, closing the book, “Let me escort you back, then.”
“I am fine, Jean, thank you. But what are you doing up so late?” You placed a hand on his arm, inviting him to sit back down. You took a seat beside him.
His pale cheeks flushed pink, eyes averting from yours in an attempt to flee from the embarrassment creeping up his chest.
Quietly, you seized the book in front of him, observing the torn pages, features softening in gentle recollection.
You couldn’t help but wonder what had first attracted Jean to this particular volume though.
“Jane Austen is a wonderful author.” You spoke, fingers tracing the lines on the cover, “Why chose this one, Jean?”
His heart sped up, its beat loudly hammering in his chest. Yet, he answered.
“I…-I saw you reading it a few weeks back, Mademoiselle… And thought it might be good.” He answered honestly.
He had wondered about what kind of book could have made you smile like this one did. He had decided to see for himself.
“Would you like for us to read it together?” You offered, looking through the pages, “Where were you at?”
Quietly he pointed out the line.
Your features lit up in recognition, a grin breaking on your features. “My favourite!”
At the sight of your excitement he couldn’t repress a smile of his own, eyes softening as he gazed at you.
“In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” You read aloud, Jean listening intently.
For some reason the words stuck to him, neatly tucked in a corner of his mind. He didn’t know what had made it so special back then.
Not until he succeeded in untangling the bundle of feelings swirling in his chest when it came to you.
And then one day, as he held your hands in his, desperate to let go, dark eyes boring into yours with the intensity of a million nights, the words finally made sense.
“In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”