Mini heated rivalry ficlet
Set years after The Long Game
Shane and Ilya are parents
TW!!!
DESCRIPTION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/IDEALATION AND SUICIDE ATTEMPS
DEPRESSION
(please do not read if you feel this could be triggering in any way, this ficlet is centred around Ilya's depression and focuses on suicidal idealition and mentions past suicide attempts)
When Ilya Rozanov became a father he decided from the start that he would always be extremely open to his children about his mental health. He tells them that sometimes for him it gets quite bad and other time he feels fine. He explains that sometime you can notice when he feels bad and sometimes you can't.
He does this so that his kids will always feel safe to openly communicate their mental health to him. So he can make sure they never feel as bad as he did all his life. To make sure they never do anything stupid like he has many time before.
He doesnt tell them it all. He doesn't tell them that sometimes, when its bad, he finds himself on the edge of a bridge, stood by a busy road, sitting in the garage all alone, stocking up on medication. He doesn't tell them that because he's ashames. He doesnt want them to know that sometimes he doesnt feel like he can hold on and keep going.
Most of all he worries that they will think that they weren't a good enough reason for gim to want to stay
He knows this is everyones natural response.
He heard it from Svetlana the first time she found him throwing up in his family bathroom back in Russia.
He heard it from Marleau when he found him bleeding in his bath back in boston.
He also heard it from Shane. Shane who has never seen him like this because Ilya wont let him. Shane was only an hour away when Ilya founf himself on that bridge many years ago. But Ilya was ashamed. He didn't want Shane to see how weak he was and so he called Troy.
He's also heard it from Troy
He's heard it from evry person he has burdened throughout the years but he will never hear it from his children.
Even when they are all in their teens and approaching adulthood. When he tells shane he needs the house to himself for paperwork fully knowing that his family would be the ones that found him. He sat alone in that day. With notes pre written. Tears shed until there were none left and with everything he needed to ensure he would never have to burden anyone again.
He sat there and he found that the fear of it not working, of hearing his own children worry that they werent enough to make him stay causes him to hesitate. He may have hestitated before, when he called Troy from the bridge, when he drove to Scott's after he nearly walked into that road. But this time ws different
It was the point in his life when he knew the hesitation wasn't a temporary fix. It was the relisation that he could never let his children feel that way, the way he felt when he found his mother.
He doesn't blame her of course, he doesnt view himself as stronger than her because of this decision because his mama is the strongest person he has ever known but it's the relisation that he has to live for them.
When he became a farther he vowed to end the vicious cycle of the way he was raised and he has done that in so many ways. Broken the cycle over and over again bht it wasn't until this moment that he relised there was another cycle that needed breaking. He couldn't let his kids grow up the way he had. Feeling like their parent didn't love them enough to stay. Begining the endless cycle of doubt and eventually hopelessness.
He wanted to break that cycle that he knew his mama would want broken and to do that he needed to stay.
People always say that you have to be your own reason to keep going, you can't rely on other peope. But Ilya knows that as long as he has a reason thats all that matter. His children are his reason. His mama is his reason.