I’d been trying to figure out for ages what kind of attraction I felt towards him, because sometimes it was sexual but whenever we hung out I would always ask myself whether I actually would have sex with him, and more often than not I felt I couldn’t, so I was questioning my romantic attraction and I though definitely yeah I was but we briefly dated years ago and it didn’t work out, even though when he broke up with me he never told me why, but I put it down to distance as he was at uni on the other side of the country. Yet, over christmas, any attraction i felt towards him has gone and I feel quite negative towards him now. I don’t find him physically attractive any more, mostly because he grew a beard over the last few months and it was a bit of a shock because he hadn’t told me he was growing one (and it doesn’t really suit him all grown out and rugged, but that’s my opinion), and then as well, i feel that he’s been somewhat inconsiderate, even though he paid for food and stuff that we’ve shared, he’s just overstepped the line with me, and barely gave me an apology for it. First he invited me to a threesome after pulling someone at his works do and said he could have a plus one if I was still awake, which i was not and woke up to 4 messages from the middle of the night, so yeah I wasn’t happy, mostly because I don’t feel comfortable discussing sex in general and it makes me feel quite awkward, so I don’t want to know who he’s having sex with, I don’t ask, and he should know me well enough to know that i feel uncomfortable about the subject, he was one of the first people I told I was asexual, so now I feel weird talking to him because his apology was piss poor - “haha sorry, I had a little too much to drink” and I’m still pissed with him over it. and then today, ffs, he suggested we go out for lunch and then when we got there, after we’d ordered food, said that he’d ate not long before I got to his to pick him up, which annoyed me, then he argued with me quite a bit over why I now have snapchat and not facebook, then argued with me about how he doesn’t understand why facebook gives me anxiety, and later argued with me about an article I was reading on the guardian about how women should have a pay-gap day off instead of period leave, saying how the gender pay gap doesn’t exist, and also he got no sleep last night either so was running on energy drinks, and then briefly fell asleep back at his house to which i then suggested i should go. oh and he was also trying to be really cuddly with me, which normally i wouldn’t disapprove of, but today I didn’t want any of it yet he asked if I wanted to join him in the blanket and then leaned on me when i said I didn’t and kept trying to tickle me uuuuuggghhhhh, and now im not going to see him again until march/april which in a way im glad about. and i was considering going over to see him in the next few weeks while I’ve got time but i can’t be bothered. The last time i stayed at his at uni it was awful - his house was disgusting, he paid me no attention, i had to cook for him, and he also forgot I was staying too at one point and ordered take out without me.
I keep questioning why I always find feelings for him time after time and i think it’s because no matter what, he’s always been here and hasn’t disappeared out of my life, and we have a reasonable friendship. All the people besides him that I’ve liked I don’t talk to for one reason or another - one guy told me to fuck off a die then later when we tried to be friends again i just gave up because he was unresponsive to a lot of my messages, another guy told me I was creepy and just went off on one about me to everyone after a girl he was sleeping with tried to attack me in the middle of the night (that was first year of uni in halls and I was such a wreck and i was cutting myself because my mental health went out with window with leaving home), then the last guy I was starting to like was someone at work, and the last time I heard from him was my last shift there, and I just wanted to get to know him better and I’m not quite over it yet when i thought I was....
but yeah, i think I’m done with feelings for this guy, I don’t think he would respect me in a relationship when he’s barely considerate of me now. I might try and reconnect with the people I used to work with because I really miss some of them still and it would be nice to have a few more friends here again....
