after watching the episode learning that the kiss was all Akk's imagination makes it so much better.
Akk having Ayan so close, in his space - some part of him was screaming to finally act on those desires, to finally free himself from all these thoughts, these "why you?".
yet comforting Ayan was so natural - the worry in his eyes when he first turns to see Ayan's furrowed brows and his distress noises, closing the space between them to embrace him, to comfort him. he wasn't as scared anymore, all he could see was this boy. this boy that made him feel things he didn't want to feel, this boy that he couldn't help but care for deep inside. this boy that's been the center of his attention the last few weeks. almost close to him and yet so far. so many unanswered questions.
but there he was. an arm's length away, churning and turning and whining. a secret that hurt so bad that even the comfort of the darkness couldnt keep it sealed. Ayan was right there, and all Akk could do was embrace the boy.
imagining kissing him though. that's like running towards a road he's always been scared to cross before. he is letting himself run wild. imagining the cheek kiss was something, but having Ayan kiss him? twice? initiating both kisses? you can see how Akk melts into the first kiss too. all he wants is for Ayan to lead, to show himself back, to be close, to finally, finally have him, even if just for a night, in the dark, in the comfort of his bed.
because in the end, that's all he wants.
him. he wants him. he is yearning, pining, craving him. having him this close, this warm, this vulnerable.
to show such a raw part of Akk's desires, of how he imagined it'd be like to not be scared, to have Ayan lead him to finally give in to those feelings - to me that just shows Akk's innor turmoils, the whys, the hows. he needs, he wants this boy, and yet everything else in his life is screaming at him in the opposite direction.