Monologue 1.
Something more serious I've been working on. Davecentric babbling. Post game AU.
“It was actually really hard at first. Accepting it. Weird shit happens to weird people, yeah, but I always counted myself as being part of normal society. So when it was all over, when things were all said and done, I couldn’t just tell myself that I was normal anymore and things were back to the way they used to be.
We saved a universe. A goddamn universe. How do you even wrap your mind around somethin’ like that? Not a moon, not a planet, not a star, but a universe. A vast huge immeasurable thing that encompasses everyone. I did it with my friends and new friends and even some assholes that I reluctantly referred to as acquaintances. Even leading up to him getting stabbed straight through the chest, I just didn’t think it was real. But it felt real, and that pain was real and that blood and that stench and those tears were real, fuck, they were. Even when we won everything, even when life was, heh, ‘normal’ again, it wasn’t. It wasn’t before, and it’ll never be.
I first noticed that shit was off its rocker when John reported bad memory. Him, the star of the show, the leader, the head honcho of our rat pack was having trouble recounting little stuff. Little stuff turned into big stuff, and big stuff turned into ginormous gargantuan stuff. He couldn’t remember the game, he couldn’t remember the names of anyone and his sleeping was getting bad- I stayed over once and he ended up kicking me in his sleep. We moved in together about a month later; I couldn’t just let him destroy himself.
Rose was next. I guess grimdark anythin’ lingers around a lot longer than anyone ever thought. It was fucked up, how sick she would get- she’d stay at home for months on end, and Jade would usually take care of her but she liked to tend to herself. Said that she hated for everyone to see her reduced to that, but we’d seen the best and worst of her, so why did it matter? I guess it’s a pride thing, huh? A thing in our genes or whatever the fuck. It messed me up that I never went and saw her like that; I wasn't incapable of it. I'm sane. I could've helped. Instead, I cowered at home and worried myself stupid about what could've been happening. She never really told me what happened when the whispers got too loud and the shivers got too cold, but Jade said she once threw up ink and her tongue was black for a week. ...I wouldn’t be surprised. She once tried to sacrifice a virgin, I think. That coulda been a lie, but still; ain’t nothin’ surprises me much anymore.
At twenty three years old, you’d think there’d be more to my life, but it ain’t much. I sit at home and work on my studies and go to work and talk to everybody else. It isn’t easy making friends that don’t share your same grim outlook on life or hurt a lil' bit from time to time. With your best bro struggling to make his mind remember and with your sister puking black slime, you don’t have much time to go out and party like you used to.
Jade doesn’t seem to be affected much, and if she is, she doesn’t show it. She tends to plants and works on science-y shit that I don’t even try to understand; if physics is her playground than music is mine and it’s better that way.
With the trolls, they’re still trolls. Karkat calls it an ‘integrated society’ but that kinda means I see less people and more trolls. Fine by me.
Today, Tavros came over. Emotional wreck. Can’t keep food down, can’t sleep, little cuts make him nauseous and there are few people that make him feel at ease. We usually talk about how great our dreambubble shit was – I do admit, it was nice. He’s a good dude to hang around with. Even though there isn’t much animosity between John and Tavros anymore, since John can’t remember and Tavros gets into twitches and whimpers when he thinks about anything like that, they don’t seem to like being around each other...I dunno. Somethin’ to think about, I guess.
I dunno if I act as Tavros’ moirail or not, but I’m one of the only people that can calm him down. Gets into twitches, like I said. When he talks, his voice is gravelly and kinda rough like he ain’t been speakin’ much. Doubt he talks to anyone when his friends ain’t around. Or babbles to himself too much when he's alone. I don't ask him about it.
It’s closin’ in on me, I think. This mysterious ‘illness’ plaguing any and all participants of the game. It started with John, then Rose, then Tavros and it’s starting to edge at Sollux, too. Or maybe he’s always been a little crazy and I never knew.
I don’t see much of anyone else, just hear through word a’ mouth. We live close to each other now, try to be a system of support, but it’s hard when everyone’s fallin’ apart. I feel sort of helpless, I guess.”