#imsickbutimpretty

[borderline5150]

Its like I feel I have to try to say something profound every time I'm on her but truth is I'm just another fucked up human who got fucked up by another fucked up human who fucked up a bunch of humans. Humans raising humans is the problem with this world. I hate humans.

[borderline5150]

Who am I

Do I even exist here amidst these maladaptive behaviors?

Am I just one big trigger waiting to be pulled?

Am I the sum of all things traumatic that have happened?

Before being diagnosed I thought I knew who I was but now I have no idea.

It’s very sad and exhausting.

[borderline5150]

I have joined several groups for Borderline Personality Disorder since joining tumbler. I have been able to relate to 99 percent of what is posted. It comforts me to know that I'm not the only one that has to contend with the voices that sound just like my own and whisper to me "No one can be trusted. Your not worthy of happiness. He doesn't really love you". With that said, my life is not all bad, in fact its pretty fucking rad. Yes, on occasion I spin out like a top at full speed before I crash but the differnece today is I have insight into why I process information this way. I understand the problem isn't the poor soul that dares to love me. Its ME. Im the common denominator. My brain and my past experiences have a way of twisting current reality into some toxic interaction that I often witness in the third person. I hurt people I love and am immediately sorry yet fuck you defensive at the same time. Its exhausting to say the least. Yet I am not unhappy in fact I'm over paid on a daily. Without darkness I cannot have light. It is in my suffering that I grow and learn the most. If I listen I will hear the solution. Im on the most amazing journey of my life. No longer mommy. My kids are off learning their own lessons now. No longer a well known professional with a great reputation I never felt I was worthy of. A poser if you will. I am living my most authentic life ever. I have a partner that gets me because he struggles just like I do. He loves me unconditionally and is willing to walk this journey, albeit tumultuous, by my side without judgement but with love and empathy. I am autonomous and I can be just ME. I am not BPD. Its a part of me but its not who I am. When your feeling down or negative just remember this is just a chapter. A moment and the moment is gone. What happened is behind us. We are all FLAWSOME in our own beautiful way So BLOOM ON MY BEAUTIFUL BORDERLINE BEAUTIES.

[borderline5150]

You wouldn't last 5 minutes in my head

It's real easy for people who don't have BPD to give advice designed to enlighten me. I have a disorder that has intense fear of failure and rejection. It isn't as easy as reading some self help book and implementing the tools given. It isn't as easy as just to " let it go" or "what is worrying going to do to change the situation". I fucking never said it would change the situation. This is how my brain works. I am getting better cause I don't throat punch people and for the most part I keep my thoughts to my self. I know my person means well and I truly appreciate that. I'm doing the best I can at this moment and this moment is all we have and now it's gone. My person is the only person I have ever allowed to see what I go through in my head. I have spoken the words that run through my mind out loud to him while it's happening. It was freeing. As if my deep dark secret is now in the light, yet it also leaves me feeling vulnerable, which in turn makes me want to lash out and reject any input. At the same time I have a rational part of my brain that is trying so hard to reel me back in by pointing out how irrational my reactions are. It's as though I am watching myself from above and I know I'm not right in my thinking process but I can't stop. Well there are some positives that have come in recent years and that is that I recognize my thoughts as flawed and know they are going to pass. The worst part is the impact it has on those unfortunate enough to love me.