The ramblings of a middle aged adolescent

[thedesire]

[borderline5150]

Its like I feel I have to try to say something profound every time I'm on her but truth is I'm just another fucked up human who got fucked up by another fucked up human who fucked up a bunch of humans. Humans raising humans is the problem with this world. I hate humans.

[borderline5150]

Shattered Dreams

She catches her reflection, her pride as bruised as her cheek

She sees how people stare at her. Her anxiety at its all time peek

She closes her eyes and repeats “this is just a bad dream”

She cries when she discovers her life is just as it seems

Can she move on and love with every fiber of her being like before,

When all she can see is herself gasping for air on the kitchen floor

She goes through the motions as though nothing has changed

After all she forgives despite her physical and spiritual pain

She wishes she had kept her mouth shut. Not pushed him into a corner

Naive to think their love stronger then those who suffered before her

He weeps through promises of change, professions of undying love

She loves him, her cosmic match sent straight from up above

Of course she forgives him, she can’t imagine her world without him

But she will never forget that fateful night of shattered dreams

[borderline5150]

She sits like a little puppy dog.What does she expect will happen? That he will feel sorry for her and profess his love. Or that he will reject her tears as symbols of falsehoods. Of playing a role of victim to esnare him in her web of selfishness. Can his words or actions ever please her? Seems nothing he says can dull her need for chaos. Yet she sits like a little puppy dog just waiting for whatever attention she can get knowing what his capabilites are and knowing that no human will ever satisfy her whims. She likes to play the role. She thrives in ruin and rubble. She doesn't know how to feel happy even when she is. She is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. She will create it if she must for comfortability is her enemy and silence her foe. She will never be at peace for it is foreign. She will die alone having missed many an opportunity at happiness.

[borderline5150]

#imsickbutimpretty

[borderline5150]

She sits like a little puppy dog.What does she expect will happen? That he will feel sorry for her and profess his love. Or that he will reject her tears as symbols of falsehoods. Of playing a role of victim to esnare him in her web of selfishness. Can his words or actions ever please her? Seems nothing he says can dull her need for chaos. Yet she sits like a little puppy dog just waiting for whatever attention she can get knowing what his capabilites are and knowing that no human will ever satisfy her whims. She likes to play the role. She thrives in ruin and rubble. She doesn't know how to feel happy even when she is. She is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. She will create it if she must for comfortability is her enemy and silence her foe. She will never be at peace for it is foreign. She will die alone having missed many an opportunity at happiness.

[borderline5150]

Who am I

Do I even exist here amidst these maladaptive behaviors?

Am I just one big trigger waiting to be pulled?

Am I the sum of all things traumatic that have happened?

Before being diagnosed I thought I knew who I was but now I have no idea.

It’s very sad and exhausting.

[borderline5150]

[borderline5150]

Check it out

The ramblings of a middle aged adolescent

[borderline5150]

I have joined several groups for Borderline Personality Disorder since joining tumbler. I have been able to relate to 99 percent of what is posted. It comforts me to know that I'm not the only one that has to contend with the voices that sound just like my own and whisper to me "No one can be trusted. Your not worthy of happiness. He doesn't really love you". With that said, my life is not all bad, in fact its pretty fucking rad. Yes, on occasion I spin out like a top at full speed before I crash but the differnece today is I have insight into why I process information this way. I understand the problem isn't the poor soul that dares to love me. Its ME. Im the common denominator. My brain and my past experiences have a way of twisting current reality into some toxic interaction that I often witness in the third person. I hurt people I love and am immediately sorry yet fuck you defensive at the same time. Its exhausting to say the least. Yet I am not unhappy in fact I'm over paid on a daily. Without darkness I cannot have light. It is in my suffering that I grow and learn the most. If I listen I will hear the solution. Im on the most amazing journey of my life. No longer mommy. My kids are off learning their own lessons now. No longer a well known professional with a great reputation I never felt I was worthy of. A poser if you will. I am living my most authentic life ever. I have a partner that gets me because he struggles just like I do. He loves me unconditionally and is willing to walk this journey, albeit tumultuous, by my side without judgement but with love and empathy. I am autonomous and I can be just ME. I am not BPD. Its a part of me but its not who I am. When your feeling down or negative just remember this is just a chapter. A moment and the moment is gone. What happened is behind us. We are all FLAWSOME in our own beautiful way So BLOOM ON MY BEAUTIFUL BORDERLINE BEAUTIES.

[borderline5150]

One of my favorite photos. I love the way water is captured in images with just the right light. 

#motherearthsartistry #colormakesme smile #bloomon

[borderline5150]

You wouldn't last 5 minutes in my head

It's real easy for people who don't have BPD to give advice designed to enlighten me. I have a disorder that has intense fear of failure and rejection. It isn't as easy as reading some self help book and implementing the tools given. It isn't as easy as just to " let it go" or "what is worrying going to do to change the situation". I fucking never said it would change the situation. This is how my brain works. I am getting better cause I don't throat punch people and for the most part I keep my thoughts to my self. I know my person means well and I truly appreciate that. I'm doing the best I can at this moment and this moment is all we have and now it's gone. My person is the only person I have ever allowed to see what I go through in my head. I have spoken the words that run through my mind out loud to him while it's happening. It was freeing. As if my deep dark secret is now in the light, yet it also leaves me feeling vulnerable, which in turn makes me want to lash out and reject any input. At the same time I have a rational part of my brain that is trying so hard to reel me back in by pointing out how irrational my reactions are. It's as though I am watching myself from above and I know I'm not right in my thinking process but I can't stop. Well there are some positives that have come in recent years and that is that I recognize my thoughts as flawed and know they are going to pass. The worst part is the impact it has on those unfortunate enough to love me.

[borderline5150]

Just thinking

When I hear certain song lyrics I can relate them to my life and it brings me comfort. Songs I've known my whole life, understood for the very first time. Sometimes I say "fuck ya" and rock out. Some lead me to contemplate. Some transport me to specific periods in my life both good and bad. Some just comfort my busy head. Some make me want to write the lyric out because it is so powerful. Once I was diagnosed with borderline and I started looking back on my life I really saw how music took me out of whatever I was going through and has always been there for me. And even today often times I don't realize that I am overthinking or having anxiety but suddenly I will realize that I haven't been listening to music, especially if I'm in the car. I love that music will always be the same. Technology and internet has changed the world and we can never go back again but music can never be altered. Songs of love and sadness will live on forever and this makes my spirit happy.

[borderline5150]

" I hate being me! I hate living in my head. I hate that I care so much. I need relief but I don't think it's possible!" Thank goodness this is just an entry in my journal and not how I feel all of the time. Writing it down helps me look at it and let it go for at least a while. I'm practicing not seeing things in black and white or good and bad but understanding that each situation is slightly different and thus should be recognized as such. They are just moments and now they are gone and now is all that matters right now.

[borderline5150]

Reality Check

When they said, "you are borderline", I thought what? No! And from that day on, after some research, I cannot unring that bell. It's like someone flicked the switch of denial to the off position and broke it off. My behavior, emotions, rumination, mood swings and general dis-ease are in my face whenever I'm not sleeping. It's like movie in there, in my brain. It's like the part in the movie where the truth comes and the screen flashes memories of times when you could have picked up the clues as they were so obvious. Denial is a wonderfully fucked up tool that is tough as steel but when it breaks its human host pays the ultimate price. Reality is a jagged little pill to swallow. But the show must go on. You must not let on that you are not at your peek, after all your pretty hot for almost 50. New boyfriend. Great sex life! New town .Autonomy for the first time since you were 16 years old. A cat and a dog. How could you possibly not have an attitude of gratitude You can’t let on that you are scared all the time. You must not appear weak because people will reject you and that is your greatest fear of all. So the journey goes of healing and self discovery. Every day brings with it fresh perspective and the understanding that this to shall pass. The pain is part of the process and will cleanse the soul.