You wouldn't last 5 minutes in my head
It's real easy for people who don't have BPD to give advice designed to enlighten me. I have a disorder that has intense fear of failure and rejection. It isn't as easy as reading some self help book and implementing the tools given. It isn't as easy as just to " let it go" or "what is worrying going to do to change the situation". I fucking never said it would change the situation. This is how my brain works. I am getting better cause I don't throat punch people and for the most part I keep my thoughts to my self. I know my person means well and I truly appreciate that. I'm doing the best I can at this moment and this moment is all we have and now it's gone. My person is the only person I have ever allowed to see what I go through in my head. I have spoken the words that run through my mind out loud to him while it's happening. It was freeing. As if my deep dark secret is now in the light, yet it also leaves me feeling vulnerable, which in turn makes me want to lash out and reject any input. At the same time I have a rational part of my brain that is trying so hard to reel me back in by pointing out how irrational my reactions are. It's as though I am watching myself from above and I know I'm not right in my thinking process but I can't stop. Well there are some positives that have come in recent years and that is that I recognize my thoughts as flawed and know they are going to pass. The worst part is the impact it has on those unfortunate enough to love me.
