#inadequacy complex

[autumnhobbit]

hey, violent self-hatred, why are you back? did you not get the memo that i don't do that anymore?

[coffee-fueled-art]

I was telling my little brother that I was voted winner of the Hunger Games among my art class because I'm "Calculating and Independent"

Then my little brother said "You're not calculating, you have a B in math."

So thanks ya little fuckhead for sending me down that downward spiral of inadequacy again. It's not like it took five years to become comfortable with it since you and Bailey both have had straight A's your whole lives and haven't had to deal with the crippling self doubt of being lesser than your brothers.

[cihuatldelaluna]

"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate..."

"oh yes, it is."

[thisisthesaferoute-blog]

Day 3: When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

Probably. I’m scared of everything, and I tell people all the time who come to me with romantic/relationship problems to just tell the other person how you feel. But myself? I’m absolutely atrocious at taking my own advice. There are few people who have this blog whom I actually know in real life, and of those, there are a few missing, a few whom I trust completely.. with everything but this. Him, most notably. Half of the things I say here, I’d be.. scared, to say to him, because I’m constantly scared he’ll realize I’m not as amazing as he thinks I am. I’m incredibly insecure. My greatest fear is that one day, everyone will realize I’m not as wonderful as they’ve previously perceived me. My inadequacy complex. So I can talk a good game, I can talk a great game. I don’t play worth anything though. I definitely will have said more than I’ve done. 

[jamiesinverguenza]

Apparently there is such a thing as being too focused.

Anna and I are having our first songwriting session in almost an entire month. (BLAAARG.) It is doubly important because after songwriting I suspect we'll be having a pretty intense 'quiet practice' (hell yeah rock camp jargon) where we talk about who we're playing with (or, you know, not playing with, yikes), and what's going to go down when we meet her friend Tristan/more or less beg him to play drums with us.

So at the moment I am admittedly...not 'stressed', but you know, doing the 'omg I need to be prepared I need to be prepared I'm NOT PREPARED' dance all day, a ritual in which I have been taking part since I joined the my high school orchestra back in the late '90s. Every single time I play with people I panic that I'm not prepared, and I never feel ready 'enough', or whatever...and then, things are always totally fine when we start playing. Also, every single time I'm like "no this time I'm really NOT ready, ACK", so right now I'm doing exactly that.

Result: I just freaked out slightly and wrote/practiced a song (that I feel like I should have done WEEKS ago, why am such a procrastinator with things I like doing?) and I worked on it so hard, I gave myself a slight headache.

With that, I think it's a good idea if I go for a brief walk.

[halfheartwholesoul]

There is always somebody else.

Somebody who's smarter. more accessible. with more continuous, flowing, poetic passion. who seems to "get" you "more than I ever could".

I'm just really sick of this second-best bullshit. I can't handle it. Maybe it's my competitive nature, or some deep-seeded issue I have, but I can't handle not being good enough for the people I care about.

I want to stop caring I have to stop caring but I shouldn't. I'm trying to feel better, about myself and life and the future and all, but everything and everyone I encounter just sets me that far back.