It's all "Your mental health matters" until it actually gets bad.
TW for mentions of Passive suicidal ideation and Self Harm. I needed to put this somewhere and figured maybe Tumblr is the place where people could see themselves in it and not feel alone.
It's all "reach out if you need anything" but no one sees the signs unless it's what media has taught them. It's always on me to actually start the conversation, no one checks in and means it beyond a courtesy.
It's all "You should get help" but they don't care how hard that actually is to do, they said their one line of advice now shut up.
I have tried so many times to reach out, to get help, and every time it leads to nothing. It's more of the same "Go to therapy" or "It's not that bad" or "I can't handle this right now".
I am so fucking tired and so fucking depressed but because my depression doesn't look like bed rotting and hoodies, no one notices or cares. They see me fantasize about moving far away and think I'm ambitious, they don't think twice about it possibly being a cry for help. They see dirty dishes and laundry and think I'm just lazy when it could be a symptom, it could be the fact that I want to sit for a moment and NOT constantly work to keep everything to everyone else's standards. They see me pick at my skin until I bleed and bite my hands until they're red and scratch my neck raw and give me disappointed looks, they don't think about it being a form of unconscious self harm.
They don't care about passive suicidal ideation until I do all the thinking for them. It's on me to tell everyone else what to do to help. There is no such thing as taking initiative.
Just because I am independent doesn't mean I want to be. I have fantasized about being sick for a while just so someone else can be the responsible one.
I just graduated art school while working full time at a job with no upword momentum. Nearly every day I did one or the other or both then came home and did most of the cooking and cleaning and took care of a cat all while homework has to be worked on or at the very least takes up most of my mental space. I bought most of the groceries and tried so hard to make friends and be kind and treat others how I want to be treated but of course it is so so rarely reciprocated.
I have been an adult my entire life so other people could be children and have the space and safety to heal. When is it my turn? When do I get to act my age?
Anyway the therapist I've been basically courting like Elizabeth Bennett has left my emails on read for months now.
