Rage Against the Propogan-Dad
Regardless of one’s opinion on the subject, the two-gender, two parent household is a diminishing norm. The increasing number of people choosing to have children outside of marriage, the inevitability of legalized gay marriage, and the expansion of adoption and artificial insemination options (and eventually even gestational ones) have, and will continue to, reduce our reliance on the traditional model of parenting. In other words, it is no longer 1957 [see footnote 1].
But our myths have not kept pace with our culture. There are endless instances of people clinging to the old ways, like they were fighting to preserve the remnants of a once great and honored people. Be it the things I read (articles feteshizing the father/son relationship in particular), the things I hear (“I have to stay with my husband/wife, because I don’t want my baby to grow up without a dad/mom”), or the things I see (the number of television shows and movies that revolve around finding closure with a delinquent parent would be comical, if it wasn’t so tragic), many of our narratives (anecdotes and stories, both fiction and non) of self-discovery or affirmation revolve around a confrontation with, or confirmation of, the protagonist’s parent(s). And stories matter. They are how we understand our connection to the past, the potential of our present, and our responsibilities to the future.
The PSAs, self-help books, and Nickelodeon plot lines centered on tweens coming to terms with their parents divorce, or their gay dads, or finding out they’re adopted do not address the issues children in non-nuclear families face, they create them. The goal of these moralizing fables of the modern age is to show children they’re not alone in their confusion and pain, which is admirable, but destructive. These stories implicitly tell the children of increasingly varied genesis that their past is inextricably tied to parents they did not choose, that their present hardships are the fault of a single parent household, or that their future is imperiled by parents they never met. These narratives inevitably resolve in a happy ending, but only for the protagonist, not the intended audience.
If a child without a father is told that its missing something, the child will feel like its missing something. Inducing a sense of want in a child is the simplest thing in the world, as anyone attending a spoiled kid’s birthday party can attest. There is never enough of anything for the young; the discipline and foresight to do without is a learned skill, not an instinctive trait. I have yet to hear a child, regardless of familial or socio-economic status, say “sorry, but no more playing or toys. I’ve had my fill of attention and stimulation, thank you.” And most adults are susceptible to this as well! Humans rarely feel content with their lot [footnote 2].
Instead of the universal vilification for bad or absent parents, and the ambivalent media attention for non-traditional parents, our culture should redirect that energy to ideals anyone and everyone can achieve, regardless of gender or family composition: love and responsibility for those dependent upon us. A child doesn’t need a father, anymore than a child needs an uncle or a grandfather [footnote 3]. What a child needs are people that unconditionally and unquestionably care for them. In our culture, we have idealized the mother and father as the only people capable of filling such roles, but (again) it is no longer 1957. Anyone that takes a sincere and lasting interest in a child’s well being can fulfill a child’s need for love and support, be they aunt, neighbor, teacher, or friend’s older brother. That is not to say that parents are inconsequential, and this is certainly not meant as an attack on the concept of parenting as a whole. Rather, it is a hope that every adult recognizes their responsibility to foster loving connections and positive examples for the children in their lives, regardless of DNA. Daughters, nephews, godchildren, and the kid that just happens to live a couple doors down all deserve and need to be shown that they matter, and that you care.
Footnotes:
1) a reminder: the Victorian upper middle class ideal of a nuclear family has been a minority occurrence for the vast swath of human history. Economic, medical, and political trends converged to make it a norm for baby boomers, and their population bulge enforced domination of our political economy and culture drags upon us with all the weight of their well meant, but ultimately misplaced, nostalgia.
2) This is ultimately a good thing. Discontent is why people build bridges and circumnavigate the globe. But it’s also why people drink too much.
3) In the metaphorical sense. I am aware that, biologically, every child needs ancestors.