I know there's a few posts I've been tagged in and not responded yet, but I've just been somehow really low energy these last few days so I haven't been in here much. I'll get to them eventually, i swear. 😊
And something weird happened. I've never actually known my dad well, it's a whole mess. But it's father's day here and I sent him a message, and he answered. And he asked me how I'm doing. And we actually texted for a few hours LIKE CIVILIZED PEOPLE?!
And he apologized to me about the way he has handled our relationship or the lack of it. And i apologized for giving him a hard time when he reached out after my mom died but i explained to him that I was hurting a lot back then and I acted out of anger and hurt. And that I also was being difficult just to test him, to see if he really wants to be a part of my life or if I'm going to end up getting hurt. Which ended up with me getting hurt.
BUT. But. He told me that he's been thinking about it and that he should've been more of an adult in that situation and try to put himself into my shoes. That he tried, and that's what got him fucked up bc he didn't know how to handle it all.
I told him that if he's up for it, I still need a dad. That even though I'm 34, I've been sad about not having a dad my whole life. That I don't need money or presents or shit like that. Just need my dad. And he asked "even a shitty one?" And i told him that that's better than no dad, and where does he think I got my attitude from, huh?
Idk. I'm too nervous to be fully happy about this bc I'm scared of getting hurt again, but I'm also proud of myself for reaching out and actually COMMUNICATING with him. Without trying to make him feel bad for me not having a dad growing up. And idk I feel like he appreciated it. It would be nice to get to know him, maybe my siblings from his side too, but I'm not holding my breath.
Im just too fucking old and tired to carry around useless resentment and bitterness about things I can't change or couldn't change back then. If you're up for it tho, send me good vibes that maybe we'll be able to ACTUALLY reconnect and start healing? If that's not your thing, that's cool too.
I know not many ppl care about my ramblings and shit but just wanted to share bc this was a huge thing for me even though my flabbers were fucking gasted. And I also know that if this won't last, I'll be okay. I always am. It will hurt like shit though but...
When I told my bff he told me to be careful. I told him that I am. That even though I'm excited right now it doesn't mean that I'll put all my hope and faith into this working out (yes i fucking will), that even though i know nothing is promised I'm still trying to be happy and take it one day at a time. "But if or when this goes ass up I'm warning you already, i will be whining and complaining about it to you and you can not tell me i told you so". He just said "of course I'll be there". I'm so lucky to have him. And my husband. With those shitheads by my side I can do anything.
OH MY GOD IVE BEEN RANTING WAY TOO MUCH IM SO FUCKING SORRY (no I'm not) ILL GO AND WISH FOR MY PERIOD TO START SO ILL GET BACK TO NORMAL K BYE
