Apr 27, 2020
When your mind is your worst enemy..
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When your mind is your worst enemy..
So, I haven't posted in a while. I've been having a really hard time just holding it together. I'm sure everybody has those times when nothing is really happening that's different, but for whatever reason it feels different and it suddenly causes anxiety, or more stress, and you just feel overwhelmed. That's how it's been for me the less several weeks.
Nothing is different, but everything is a lot harder for some reason. I really want to go back to therapy, but I'm nervous about starting over with a new therapist since I am unable to see my old one. My schedule is changing at work, which I don't think will be too bad, but I will miss working with an entire peer group of people that I get along with and I'm going to miss my team. It's a little nerve-wracking not knowing how some of these people are, so I'll have to tread cautiously at first. I'm not sure how much "me" they'll be okay with.
I'm also struggling with homework. For some reason. It's not overly hard, it's quite a bit of reading, but it's taking me longer than it should to get through the reading because I can't stop myself from taking the scrupulous notes. Even though I'm in my fourth week of this class and I've proven to myself that I don't need to take these notes, every time I come across something. Even remotely important looking, I find myself taking notes. So, homework that should take me an hour or two, I would say three at the very most, is taking me eight to fifteen hours. In the previous three weeks combined I have spent over forty hours on homework.
Because of that, I have not had any free time in the last three weeks which is completely stressing me out. I am not giving myself any time to detox, relax, read, I haven't even been walking my dogs. I just can't handle anything else being on my plate right now, even stuff I enjoy.
In other news: My father-in-law connected me with a financial advisor that specializes in helping people get approved for mortgages. She's given me an impossible task and I'm not sure how I'm going to achieve it, but according to her, if I can't accomplish this Herculean task, I definitely will not get approved for a mortgage. If I don't get approved for a mortgage, I will have to keep renting and if my rent goes up again, which it will because it's rent, I won't be able to afford it anymore.
The last thing that's been bothering me lately is that I've been told I was graded as successful in my overall performance at work this year. Again. Ever since I moved into leadership I can't seem to get past mediocre. My leadership keeps telling me that successful means successful and I shouldn't feel bad about that, but in my head that's not good enough. I feel like I do my job really well so the fact that I'm only successful really sucks. It means the one thing I think I'm really good at, I'm really just mediocre.
I know life isn't supposed to be easy, but I don't think it's supposed to be this hard. Sometimes I just feel like giving up.
SUMMARY<3
The concept for my FMP has been to attempt to understand how I am dealing with the absurdity of life. A lot of times I can feel quite overwhelmed and over dramatic with my feelings, and for this project I wanted to gain a greater understanding of how I can contextualise what is going on in my head. Keeping a journal has been a key element in my understanding of myself while we are on lockdown and my thoughts are taking over. These thoughts feel absurd, and bearing in mind the three ways of “escaping the absurd” I am trying to find out what category I fit into and how I can experience it to the fullest.
#JustNoddingMyHead #ihavenoidea #Whataretalkingsbout ?? #BlankStare #inmyownhead #BitLini #VoicelessThoughts #ThingsWeAllThinkAbout #Creative #Artist #AilinLizeth with the help of Bitmoji #CyberArt #ComicStrip #CyberFunnies #artisart #WordsAreArt #BitLini #wellyouwerethinkingit #yeahbutyousaidit. #LikeandShare please #Bitstrips https://www.instagram.com/p/BpSs0XMByFb/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=col0hx6z7k9k
Truth
Struggling with a few thoughts on #selfishness. It’s a control issue on my part, I know. It’s not so much about getting “my way” but I’m I holding expectations or viewing a situation through my own lens? The Stoics all teach me to control and change what I can and not worry about what I can’t. It’s tough to just let it go sometimes. #sober #soberlife #inmyownhead #stoicism #serenity https://www.instagram.com/p/BnwGBz6HAHS/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=tx4eqark2urt
Sometimes I try so hard to understand why I feel this way but I'm not sure why I do in the end